Why Me? A Transgender Odyssey

 As I recently wrote, I used to spend hours and some days even weeks wondering how I finally quit fighting living a male life and settled into a much more natural feminine lifestyle. Once I had the courage to complete my gender transition (more on it later) and begin to be able to see the big picture. I always considered the time I spent obsessing being a girl was somehow a waste of time. Plus many times I would be a whiney girl and get into my why me mode.

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart 

Basically it turns  out I was just wasting my time because I was pre-dispositioned to be transgender in the womb. Perhaps you have heard of the drug called "DES" or Diethyistilbestrol which is a synthetic form of the female hormone estrogen. It was prescribed to women between 1940 and 1971 to prevent miscarriage, premature labor and other related complications of pregnancy. It matters to me because my Mother was having and extremely difficult time with miscarriages and even still birth babies before I came along in 1949. It is extremely possible my Mother was prescribed DES.  It suddenly made all the sense in the world why I turned out the way I did, transgender.

Sadly the biggest problem I had moving forward was adjusting to the guilt I felt from being myself.  Through out my life I was very self destructive. From driving way too fast to drinking way too much, I was fortunate I was able to live a long life at all. I definitely had a guardian angel looking over me. Even more drastic to me was the fact I was lying to my friends and family about my true self. 

After I attempted another major attempt at self harm, even I started to feel enough was enough and began in earnest to really see if I could successfully live a feminine lifestyle. Following a few minor then major successes, my new life began to materialize. I had the confidence to go out in the world as a proud transgender woman. 

The more wordily I became, the more I discovered my transition would never be complete for any number of reasons. First of all, my gender transition is viewed many different ways in the LGBTQ community. Since I have gone through hormone replacement therapy but have not undergone any surgeries, some others have a tendency to look down on me. The good old I'm "transer than you" tired thought pattern. During my life I have been labeled so many things, I don't pay attention to the naysayers anyhow. 

While my life will never be known as one of the classic odysseys, it still is different than the run of the mill lives I see others live. After all, how many human beings have the opportunity to cross the gender frontier and experience how the other half lives. Often negotiating the maze isn't easy but then again how many lives are.

I finally came to the conclusion to why me? It came out loud and clear, why not? 

What is DES in medical terms?

Diethylstilbestrol (DES) is a synthetic form of the female hormone estrogen. It was prescribed to pregnant women between 1940 and 1971 to prevent miscarriage, premature labor, and related complications of pregnancy (1).

Voting on Hormones

 My wife Liz and I went out to vote yesterday when she got off of work. Without becoming too political, of course I voted mostly the Democratic ticket since the other party seems to be more involved in  erasing transgender people everywhere, not to mention attempting to control women's reproductive rights. That is all I am going to say politically.

Even more important to me is the fact I was able to exercise my rights as a citizen as a female on my state drivers license which you have to present in order to vote. It is very special to me because years ago voting with my new female drivers license was the first time I had the opportunity to use my new legal ID. All things considered, changing over most of my legal gender identifications was not too difficult even in Ohio. Back in those days though, Ohio hadn't yet changed the rules on changing your gender on your birth certificate and Social Security was still  into changing names only on their records. Not gender. It hasn't been very long since both of these procedures have changed. Social Security being the most recent. 

In addition to changing all my civilian legal documents, I had to change my gender on all my Veterans Administration records. With the unwavering help of my therapist I was able to change my gender with most all of my VA documents. So I have a Veterans identification card marked female as well as being female on my records. Ironically, the VA is updating all it's records and they are now asking how I wish to be referred to. So I updated my records to transgender lesbian, she and hers. Naturally I was surprised when I was asked about my preferences. 

Overall, changing your legal gender markers, is a big move. It goes way past just choosing a new name. For me choosing a new legal name represented another milestone in my journey to a feminine life. No longer could I change my name as quickly as I changed my wig. I can't tell you how many names I used before I got together with my daughter and decided on my new name I would carry with me until I died. I went back a couple generations and selected a name from my mother's side of the family and selected my own Mother's name as my middle name. It made more sense to me than the old male name I had naturally but even more so because I could honor my family and heritage with my new name. My new legal  name I feel would have been approved by my mother.

All of this usually comes to my mind everytime I am able to vote. Plus it is also a chance to get out into the community and exercise my right to be myself...my authentic self as a transgender woman. Plus if you don't vote, you don't have any reason to complain about the results of the election. For my efforts yesterday I was thanked by a male smiling poll worker, voted and received my sticker. And, since yesterday was also Liz's birthday, I took her out to dinner after we were finished at the polls.

I wonder as I grow older if voting will still have a special place in my heart as the first place I was legally recognized as my true feminine self. As I proudly showed my identification with gender marked as a "F". The way it was always supposed to be.  

 

Gender Trigger Warning

 I love watching classic vintage movies. I especially love it when I see my love interest Robert Mitchum  or better yet get a brief view of a cigarette girl in a swanky nite club. As a youth I was always fascinated by Mitchum without even knowing why. Looking back now, I believe I had my first crush on a member of the male gender. I loved his cool yet aloof style. 

What really set off my youthful gender dysphoria were the cigarette girls peddling their toxic goods. I loved their hourglass figures squeezed into slinky black leotard tops. Worn with dark tights or stockings and heels of course. I thought at the time what a great idea for a Halloween costume but soon after that smoking was going out of fashion and I have never been a smoker. 

What never went away was my desire to be a sexy woman. I suppose my ideal was to be able to sell Robert Mitchum a pack of cigarettes as a sexy sales girl. 

I think my next crush on a male person, this time a real one, came in high school. I had a very close friend who I may have been a little too close to. We were literally the best of friends. I should point out nothing of a sexual nature ever happened but I can't say I never fantasized about being his girlfriend. All of this was an extension of my dysphoria working over time. 

Ironically, the older I became the fewer crushes I had with the male gender. I finally came to a point when being with a man was simply a validation of me being a woman. Being on the arm of a tall good looking man was my new fantasy. Then, when I learned I could attract more feminine attention than male attention. I didn't desire men at all. Even though I did have a couple quality male dates over a period of time. Especially the time Bob and I had a wonderful evening over a few drinks and the vintage motorcycle man I met after his ill fated marriage. Neither were fated to last for a number of reasons. Bob lived a distance away and my motorcycle crush ended up moving away shortly after we met. 

Both to me, including the other crushes I had were quick gender triggers. So quick, it took me many years and more wisdom to even realize exactly what they were.

At Least it wasn't Boring

 Looking back at a long transgender life, rather than being a whiney person concerning the experience and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to change directions. Slowly but surely I came to the conclusion my life was actually was fairly entertaining. After all, what would I be doing with all my free time if I wasn't obsessing about being a woman. Even sneaking out of my house cross dressed was a thrill unless I was laughed at. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart 

I used to think this time I was in training to be a novice transgender woman could have been better spent obsessing about my work or other hobbies which I was already doing. During this time I was able to secure a really good job in the food industry which helped me to understand more fully what women go through in the work place and the difficulties they faced attempting to balance family and work. 

Also looking back, I would have missed the thrill of learning the first time I could possibly exist in a feminine world and live a life long dream. Then there were the other parties I went to in Columbus, Ohio when I learned I fit in with the transgender women more than the cross dressers. Then, after I figured all of that out, there was the problem of what to do next. I had a good job, family and loving wife to consider. 

If I hadn't decided to go through with my gender transition where would I have been then? Most likely very miserable and lonely after my second wife passed away. I had lost most everything which was dear to me and was experiencing very dark times. As it was, at the first opportunity I chose to seriously consider my feminine inner self as a source of strength. I followed her into another gender world and never looked back. One of the main lessons she taught me was to embrace who I was and try to remember the good times I experienced over the years of learning to be a transgender woman. Not the bad. 

Then there was the catching up time I had to go through to be able to play in the girls sandbox or the time and effort it took to learn to dress like and fully communicate with other women. I equate the process with what genetic females go through when they are socialized as women. It took awhile to shake off old male tendencies so I could grow into the woman I wanted to become. Once I did, I found I could face the world with more confidence than ever before. Plus, the process was sometimes terrifying and far from being boring.

The end result for me being able to live a transgender life was the benefit of being able to experience both sides of the binary genders (male and female.) The knowledge I gained was sometimes painful but so worth it in the end. I know intimately now how testosterone affects a man and how estrogen affects a woman. Priceless knowledge when it comes to never being bored. 

A Layered Life

One of the many things I admired about women were they are multi faceted human beings. While men were fixated on power such as sports, money and of course other women, the women they were fixated on had so many other facets of their lives to be fixated on. After all, none of us would be here if it wasn't for women birthing us. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

The first major thing I fixated on with women was their clothes. They were the pretty gender. Women were able to buy and wear the colorful clothes and obsess on their hair and makeup.  Here I was jealousy and all working hard delivering newspapers and saving my pittance to sneak out and buy my own clothes and makeup. I was fixated and driven to be a girl. 

Why was the good question. As a man all I had to do was compete with other men for my share of the power which came with male privilege especially since I was white. One of the problems I continued to have was I wanted to be chased as a woman, not be the chaser. Little did I know my future would not be with a man but with other women. 

As far as women's attachment to families, I didn't birth my daughter but in many ways we are so close I could have. So I feel comfortable talking about and comparing family stories with other women. The only thing I couldn't share in of course were all the experiences of actual child birth. 

In many ways, I believe hormone replacement therapy has helped me to learn more of what a woman goes through in her daily life. After years of thought I finally came up with a description of my biggest change...my world just softened with the effects of HRT. Slowly I began to notice I could smell and taste better. Plus the most dramatic change other than the emotional ones was when I noticed I was becoming colder faster. I found out the hard way women were not just making up being cold. 

Perhaps you noticed up to this point I had glossed over the extreme emotional differences I felt when the hormones began to kick in their effects. All of a sudden I could cry for the first time in my life. I didn't have to be the stoic male with no emotions. Even when those extremely close to me passed away. I learned also I could cry tears of joy as well as sadness. 

Recently I have experienced life's layers from a feminine viewpoint by going to a wedding (my own) and a very sad funeral. Of course, choosing the right outfit took me right back to my earliest days of wondering what a girls' life would be like. 

Sometimes I feel a portion of the resentment shown to the transgender or LGBTQ community comes from a portion of the population who are afraid of their own feelings about gender. Or, they are too lazy to try to understand the differences in human beings. Cis men choose not to try to understand cis women and vice versa. I found it interesting when I was going through my gender transition, women would come to me for advice about their spouse or boy friend. Perhaps the desire to learn from transgender women or men goes back to the ancient worlds when trans people were worshipped. Or, at the least not discriminated against. 

It all comes back to being able to lead the lives we need to survive as our authentic transgender selves. Layering your life can make the entire difficult journey worth it.

A Transgender Friend

 Do you have any transgender friends? I myself have many transgender acquaintances but not many I would consider to be friends. Perhaps the entire process is a holdover from my previous male life when I could count the friends I had on one hand. Along the way, right or wrong, I learned to shield myself from other persons. I was good at flirting with women and acting as if I was macho with other men. As I wrote, most of this carried over when I began my gender transition. 

Photo Courtesy 
Racquel

Along the way, I did have a transgender woman (left) acquaintance whom I called a friend. Since that time years ago we went on our very separate ways. She is much younger than I and underwent several body changing operations while I forged forward making the best of what I had. She is the one who told me I passed in the public eye out of sheer willpower. 

Maybe I am too demanding when it comes to expecting friendship to develop from just being an acquaintance. After all, just being transgender is a wonderful starting point to knowing another person. But then again, the transgender community is so segmented it's no wonder many of us struggle to gain what we call a true transgender friend. One problem is when certain social media platforms encourage you to gather an immense number of "friends" . Most of them you have no chance of ever meeting. 

Closer to home, I am fortunate to be able to live close to a fairly large metropolitan area with several well developed LGBTQ organizations. At the least the organizations give transgender women, trans men and even allies/spouses a chance to get together to discuss issues. For others in mostly rural areas, social interaction is limited to on line meetings. Sadly, I notice many of these on line relationships to be extremely limited in duration.

In transition, so many of us lose access to our previous access to friends and family, we become desperately lonely. Too many often fall prey to on line scammers, promising much and delivering heartache. Desperation runs rampant with many transgender people who are seriously lonely.

Finding a true transgender friend has been difficult for me. Mainly because I don't socialize much anymore and I was able to find and hang out with cis women friends as I transitioned. Before that time I could safely say I was a part of the seriously lonely portion of the community. Plus, how I made my way to freedom was one I would not necessarily recommend to others. My salvation involved plenty of alcohol and taking too many ill advised chances on social media. Before I happened upon the friends (yes I said friends) who helped me out of my social funk, I went through many times I was out and out gas lit when it came to a potential date. It's one of many reasons, I cherish the friends I made then to this day.

On the other hand, I know more than several transgender women and men I deeply respect. Even still, I hold out a precious few people I count as friends.  

Do Clothes Make the Woman

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

 
Early in life when my only feminine experience was with the mirror, I learned quickly my quick visits with my new friend did not last long. Within days I found myself right back where I started. Mostly very confused concerning my gender. None of what I was doing helped me with my youthful desires to be like the other girls my age. Years later I finally learned how I was beating my head against the wall. In reality I was just trying to look like a girl not be one. All of this was occurring way before the internet and social media and in fact long before the term transgender was ever invented. So I was very much on my own except for the occasional issue of "Transvestia" I received in the mail. It's founder Virginia Prince was very much into the theory of all transvestites should be heterosexual to be a member of her organization. 

Which in many ways was alright with me since I considered myself hetero at the time and was until my sexuality did come into question until I was transitioning. None of this helped me to understand clothes do not make the woman. 

It took me years longer to why I felt this way. First of all, I had to look at what I felt made a woman. It turned out, nobody makes anything such as a woman or a man, While it is true most of us are born into one or the other of the binary female or male genders, over the years we have the chance to socialize ourselves and grow into women or men. Secondly as we grow into women or men, clothes are just a way to better present ourselves to the world at large. Early on we transgender women or men learn the more proficient we become at presenting as our authentic selves, the easier our path is when we actually find our way out of the mirror and into the world. 

As I went through the often painful process of separating myself from the mirror, I still was having a difficult time understanding why just presenting well as a woman didn't come close to me having any sort of an idea of what a woman was. In other words, clothes for me were not making the woman. Following many more years of hard earned research and learning, I finally came to the conclusion gender was between the ears for me and likely had been my entire life. Clothes were just an extension of my inner feminine soul. 

Similar to any man attempting to hang on to his frail masculinity, I fought the feelings as long as I  could. Finally one night I decided to let my feminine self have her way totally. Now I wish I would  have manned up and did it years ago. 

I found out the hard way clothes do not make the woman. You do. 

Transgender...The Lonely Path

Sadly many  transgender women or men are involved in a seriously lonely journey to live as our authentic gender selves. Along the way a few of us are fortunate and found someone to help us in our transition. I remember vividly thinking I couldn't wait until a cis woman helped me with my clothes and makeup. In my novice mind, helping me to jump start my path to presenting as a realistic woman. What actually happened was she really didn't have much more skill with makeup than I did and I already had most of the clothes I needed so she wasn't really such a big help after all. Plus later on, she tried to hold the whole evening against me when the military came calling with the Vietnam draft. After the evening I more or less went back to being alone on my own transition path. 

Image from Unsplash

From the point forward I was unable to or did I seek out anyone to provide assistance on my transgender path. Due to timing or trust issues, I never found another cis woman to help me. However, having written that, I did go through a period of being monitored by two wives who knew in advance I was a cross dresser. My first wife was very much a go with the flow type person and she did not add much if any feedback on my appearance. On the other hand, my second wife minced no words and told me what she thought. Rightfully so, I was going through my teenaged look a like crossdressing phase and she had every right in the world to comment on my appearance. The sad part is my phase led to her never respecting my desire to transition into a novice transgender woman. Once again I went out on my own to learn what she meant when she said I had no idea what being a woman was all about. Eventually I learned the hard way what she meant on my own but by the time I did, she tragically passed away. I often wonder if we could have ever made friends woman to woman.

As it worked out, I started nearly immediately following her passing considering how I would pursue my life as a full time transgender woman. What I did was figure out which venues I could go to to be what I called "out by myself". The first realization I made was the so called safe spaces of gay venues was not going to work. At least the male ones where I was treated as a drag queen outcast. I did find a couple small lesbian bars I could go to and had a few very interesting experiences. One night I even had to sing karaoke against my will by a very persistent butch lesbian in a cowboy hat. 

Other venues I began to go to were essentially the same ones I went to as a guy. For years I had enjoyed managing and going to big sports themed venues. Give me several big screened televisions and a big draft beer and I was happy. It took a while to be accepted as a regular but once I was I could have a good time. Ironically going out to be alone eventually led me to a small group of cis women who for the first time in my life provided me with feminine role models I could learn from and be around so my transition wasn't so lonely. 

Overall, even though my path proved to be a successful one thanks to so many women later in life like Liz of course,. I wish I could reclaim the time I spent alone when my only path was between the mirror and me. The mirror proved to be an overall liar in that it told me only what I wanted to hear or see. In the end result the mirror couldn't help me stay off my lonely transgender path. 

Transgender Balance

 The delicate balance between the two binary genders often is very fragile. Take for example how a cis woman date or spouse feels when an in the closet boyfriend or husband sneaks a peek at another woman when the two are together. 

Image from Fabian Moller 
On UnSplash

In an extension of yesterdays post, Lauren wrote in with a very interesting comment. Lauren said her late wife and current lady became upset when she even remotely looked at another woman. What Lauren went on to say was how difficult it was to explain how or why the reason you were looking at another woman was very different. Being a transgender woman often means we look at other women differently. I know to this day, my attraction to other women is not a sexual one. 

On the other hand, I have an appreciation of a well put together woman. Every once in a while when I get out I notice a woman who gets my eye. So much so I have to struggle not to stare. An example was a couple women at the funeral I went to Saturday. They were dressed in black of course, one wore what appeared to be a knee length skirt and jacket with long wavy hair and black heels. The other was wearing pants with her jacket and had very tasteful makeup. Again with heels. All at once I felt envious and totally under dressed, even though I was wearing my best black embroidered long skirt with a nice black sweater. It just wasn't enough. 

At this point in my life I don't think much is going to change. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be one of the girls I envied so much. A big portion of the learning process I wished I had understood earlier was the difference in looking like a girl rather actually being one. What mattered was finding my way out of the mirror which I was admiring myself in and finally getting into the world as my authentic self. 

When I first left the Army and decided to get married , I thought and maybe even hoped the process would enable my gender dysphoria to subside. Which it did for only around six months. After that the old feelings began to creep back in and I was intensely envious of cis women everywhere. Why couldn't I have their soft skin and round curves. Worse yet I had no one to explain my envy to. In all fairness, I barely understood it myself. How could another woman who was born with curves and other lifestyle necessities I so desired, even understand what I was going through. So I took the male approach out and bottled it all up inside me and tried the bottle to drink it away. The whole process made me depressed and angry. Until I finally did something about it. 

Now of course my life has changed. For the most part I am able to study other women from afar. What they are wearing and how they are wearing it. Which as I have found over the years is a true gender art form. I have also discovered the power of a woman to woman compliment. The briefest mention of a woman's accessories for example is a real ice breaker among women. Looking back, I wonder if I had not been so gender self centered and complemented my spouses on their feminine qualities if my life may have been different. 

Just another "what if" of life which age sometimes reveals. As my Dad used to say, "Once you become old enough to understand it's too late to do anything about it."