You Make a Terrible Woman

 Recently I wrote a post concerning the reactions from my past two wives when they were confronted with my gender issues. I left my current partner Liz out because by her own admission she has always viewed me as a woman. 

Photo source: Cyrsti Hart

To rephrase what I wrote in the recent post, my first wife was fairly bland when it came to dealing with  me being a cross dresser. Back in those days also the word transgender was not even known. So it wasn't even a discussion point.

All of that changed with my second wife who I was destined to be with for twenty five years before her death from heart problems at the age of fifty. She was as stubborn as I was and we became embroiled on numerous occasions. All of which were caused by me wanting to go further and further towards living full time as a woman. 

Several times I remember vividly. 

The first (of many) occurred when we lived just Northeast of Marietta, Ohio. It was a time of my life when I was really starting to find success going out and experiencing life as a feminine person. To "manufacture" more reasons to go out when she wasn't home, I began to do things like the grocery shopping. When I did it, I slowly expanded into doing other kinds of shopping too. All of it worked well until I accidently ran directly into my wife's boss in a store parking lot. I thought I succeeded in passing him until nearly a week later I heard the infamous comment about him seeing a large red head when he went to the store. It just so happened I had and wore a red wig at that time. Of course I denied all knowledge. It turned out it didn't matter anyhow. She caught me cross dressed in public and the giant fight which came later led me to my first sessions with a gender therapist.

It turned out, the visits with therapist just put off the inevitable, I still continued to slide towards living full time as a transgender woman. 

The second of many fights I can remember came after one of my most successful cross dressed outings I can remember. I have written about it here in Cyrsti's Condo many times. It was the night I went alone without my wife to a transvestite "mixer" when we lived in the NYC metro area. Two women sat at the door and were going to deny me entrance because "No real women were allowed."  Of course in those days all I had to validate me as a woman was my appearance and I went on a giant ego rush. All of it made me impossible to live with and my second wife and I ended up in a huge fight. 

During the fight she said what quite possibly were the most profound I heard in my entire life, "You make a terrible woman." I was taken aback because the night before I had been mistaken for a woman. Then she went on to say she wasn't talking about how I looked. There was a deeper meaning I hadn't even considered and wouldn't until I actually started to seriously transition. 

Without going deeper into the whole process now, I learned the nuances of gender communication and privilege when I began to live as a woman.

It's easy to say now but she was right. I did make a terrible woman. However I did take the opportunity to rebuild my life in a feminine world. A world which was dramatically more layered and pleasurable than the male world I had known. 

The wait was worth it. I'm not so sure the cost to my soul and to others around me was. My cross dressed man did make me miserable and unfortunately I made others around me miserable too.

Equal Time

 Recently I have been writing several posts concerning the interaction between my Halloween adventures and the interactions with my wives (at separate times.)

First of all I had experience with two wives for the stories. The first was much more accepting than the second but both knew about my cross dressing urges before we became married. The problem became more prevalent  as I slipped further and further into the realization I was much more than a cross dresser. I wanted to follow the natural urges I was feeling to shove my male self into the closet and live full time as my authentic self. 

My second wife used the well worn phrase, she didn't sign up to be in a relationship with another woman. Plus, a few other phrases I will save for another post. 

What happens to the spouse when that happens? Back in the day, I used to take a look at a few blogs which dealt with women who were immersed in relationships with their husbands who suddenly told them they were transgender. Needless to say, the reactions I read from the wives were not positive. Even I was shocked. 

I think what we all miss during our Mtf transitions is that cis women have egos also. In many cases a husband figures prominently into her ego. Or, what she did wrong to "drive" her husband into the feminine camp. 

As far as I am concerned, I don't know how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and my spouse wanted to complete the difficult journey to another gender. I just know it would be very difficult. 

I can understand too how a transgender path could be considered the ultimate in being selfish. After all it is an all encompassing desire to make it to the other side of the gender divide. What happens to a families life, jobs and kids when it happens?  It's so difficult to help another person to understand there is really no choice when you are considering crossing the gender frontier. It is so much more than just dressing as part of the opposite gender. It is life or death. 

So, my heart goes out to all the understanding spouses I have been reading about recently. Or even the ones who begrudgingly have come to accept and stay with with their former husbands or wives. Of course the internet has helped with all of that. Positive information abounds on how couples in love have survived their gender journey together. 

Taking my local scene as an example. the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of has recently featured several couples who are successfully staying together. As I wrote, all my positive thoughts go out to the spouses who made it happen.

Equal time! Good job!

Disappearing Shoulders

 Before we inherited a distinct fall chill to our weather here in Southwestern Ohio and sweaters became a priority, I had a chance to wear one of my patterned button up blouses over a tank top I have to make a trip to the VA for a flu shot. I wanted to wear something which would provide easy access to my arm for the injection. 

My reaction to the shot proved to be little or no consequence and in fact was over before I knew it. 

It turned out my bigger reaction came when I checked my reflection in the mirror and was amazed how much mass I have a lost in my torso/shoulder part of my body. Fortunately, the approximately twenty five pounds I have lost on our diet plus weight distribution changes due to hormone replacement therapy, the weight from my upper body has been added to my hips. 

Now I have to go shopping again to find new clothes to reflect the new feminine changes to my body. Yay!

Bond Girl

 This week end my partner Liz and I are planning to see the newest James Bond film. Thinking of going has brought back memories of the "Bond girl who was born a boy":

Caroline Cossey, also known as Tula, made headlines as the first transgender model to pose for Playboy magazine. Prominent throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s, 

Cossey worked with major fashion magazines and small brands, even appearing topless in denim ads. Her big break came with a cover spread for Playboy in 1981, which led to her role as an extra in James Bond’s film For Your Eyes Only. 

After being outed by a British tabloid in 1991, she made a comeback by posing for Playboy again, this time in a solo spread that dubbed her a “beautiful woman who was born a boy.”

Of course I couldn't wait to grab a copy of "Playboy" to get my glimpse of this impossibly beautiful transgender woman.

Out in Plain Sight

Georgette sent this post into Cyrsti's Transgender Condo. She is a fellow transgender veteran who served approximately the same time I did:

" What some of us did during our military time to try and satisfy that inner girl,

I was in the Navy from 69-74, My reason was I didn't want to take a chance on being drafted and didn't like the idea of people trying to kill me, Plus I was able to secure training and placement in Advanced Electronics away from all that killing but did require a 6 year enlistment,

I was never able to fully transform but always found some way to be myself away from others, While living off base from 72-74 I was getting more and more bold, But while just driving around I got stopped by a small town cop, He did not make a big deal at that time, But did report it back to my command,

I thought for sure that my life was over, But the base psychiatrist

 and Navy security people (I had a Top Secret clearance) were very understanding and was interested in any activities with others (think Gay), Went back to work and left Navy in 74,

For me to fully describe and come to realization what/who I was and a real game changer."

Thanks for the comment!

A Night at the Theatre

 This will be the final post concerning how Halloween parties paved the way for me to actually come out of the closet and live a fulltime feminine life. 

This one goes way back to my post Army days in the mid 1970's and happened in Columbus, Ohio. 

When Halloween rolled around that year, Columbus had just restored and reopened the "Ohio Theatre" a very ornate and beautiful structure complete with the original restored theatre organ. For the event, they decided to present a costumed event complete with a silent horror movie and the organ music .I thought it would be an ideal time to reprise my "costume" I wore at the Army Halloween party I went to. 

For the evening I managed to persuade my future first wife and two other friends to attend with me. The first mistake I discovered I made was when we had to park approximately two blocks away. Up to that time in my life, I had never attempted to walk that far in high heels before and I felt it! Other than feeling the fall chill on my exposed legs, the only other real impact I felt was how much attention my outfit did not cause. I guess with all the other unique and wonderful costumes, a guy in a mini dress didn't cause much attention. 

However, none of that mattered as we found our seats for the show. The theatre was magnificent. Especially for a person such as me who is really into history and restoration. I do remember trying my best to enjoy being dressed as my authentic self.  After all, it was very close to the first time I was able to actually go out in public as a woman. 

Looking back at all of it was, once the thrill wore off, I was coming to understand how natural I felt

and how would I ever make it an entire year before I could attempt going out again. Finally the realization slowly came to me indeed I couldn't make it and would have to find other ways to express myself. About this time was when I started to research Virginia Prince and subscribed to the cross dressing Transvestia magazine. Wow! There were others like me after all!

Bottom line was, once the door to my gender closet was opened, it could never be closed again. As I have written sever times, I felt too natural as my feminine self to go back. 

A night at the theatre proved to be only the beginning as I was able to enjoy watching the show around me as the woman I was destined to become.   

Trans Icon

 

Leyna Bloom (left) moved from Chicago to New York City in 2008 at the age of 17, ready to make something of herself.

 Finding a place of acceptance in the underground ballroom scene and taking inspiration from models such as Tanay Pendavis and Tracey Africa, Bloom served face in Harlem dance halls   

From there, she appeared in a cover shoot for Candy alongside other trans icons including Janet Mock and Yasmine Petty. In the past few years she's starred in major fashion campaigns and walked runways, and in 2019, she made her on-screen debut in the Martin Scorsese produced Port Authority. It's submission to the Cannes Film Festival made her the first trans woman of color to star in a movie in its 70-year history.

Of course also, there was her famous "Sports Illustrated" cover!

Haters and Bullies

 Recently, Mark sent in this comment: "Very very AMAZING..LADY .very well done for talking about this ,my parents lived in Germany for 6 years detmauld ..WHAT bullyingly HAVE you had ..HOW DID You cope/what happened .MARK.X"

Thank you Mark for such an in depth question. 

First of all, I grew up in a small semi rural area of Ohio in the 1950's and early 1960's. Nearly the entire class of the school I attended knew each other from first through the ninth grades. It all made for rigid social lines being drawn. For example, there were the jocks, hell raisers, socializers etc. 

Around the time the 7th grade rolled around, I knew I had to make a serious decision concerning which social set I was going to try to join. As you probably noticed, there were no categories for novice cross dressers. As far as I was concerned, I was the only cross dresser I knew. To be sure also, to be labeled a wanna be girl, I would be labeled as a sissy too. Also I expected no support from my patriarchal, conservative family. 

I was also painfully shy, so being accepted as a school socialite would be difficult too. I was left with two possible circles, the jocks or the hell raisers. Furthermore, I always had an interest in sports even though I lacked in the skill department. So I chose a few nearby friends who shared the same interests. 

By taking these steps, I was able to insulate myself from the threat of bullying. In effect I befriended most of the people most likely to come after me. As all of this was going on too, I had to be very careful not to have my younger brother catch me dressed as a girl when our parents weren't home. I had many close calls over the years when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and rapidly wipe off makeup I had just applied. 

All of this carried me into high school. I transferred from a very small
middle school to a large high school, so in many cases I had to start all over again. This time though, the emphasis shifted to academics as I needed to be accepted to an university after high school. The alternative was the military because of the draft. 

By this time in high school,  I had perfected the art of staying invisible. My only social attempts came at the school's junior prom when I was essentially set up with a date. Then I met and dated a girl from the school across town and went to the senior prom with her. 

Through it all Mark, I can't begin to tell you the time and energy I wasted hiding my true gender identity. I didn't want to be with a girl sexually, I wanted to be her. If I hadn't waited for the years to go by to realize all of this, perhaps life would have been easier, Then again, I took the only path I knew. 

Through it all, I was able to dodge much of the bullying I would have been tortured with but I know too I was luckier than most. I also had to resort to hyper masculinity to survive. Which was not my ideal way to exist but it worked. 

Thanks again for the question Mark, hope I answered it. 

A Transgender Gem

 

Last year, Jamie Lee Curtis's daughter Ruby sat down in the family's Los Angeles backyard with her mother and her father, comedy director Christopher Guest.

Ruby had something to tell them. She was going to come out as trans. But she wasn't able to.

"It was scary — just the sheer fact of telling them something about me they didn't know," Ruby tells PEOPLE, sitting down in their living room last week. "It was intimidating — but I wasn't worried. They had been so accepting of me my entire life."

So Ruby left, and then texted her mother. Remembers Jamie Lee: "I called her immediately. Needless to say there were some tears involved."