Transgender Widows

Photo by Norbu GYACHUNG on Unsplash

 The idea for this post comes directly from "Takoda  Patterson" on the "Medium" blog. She writes about a subject which I have been on both sides of, acceptance (or non acceptance) of my transgender leanings by a spouse. You Cyrsti's Condo know the story but before we get to it, in Takoda's words, what is a trans widow?

"A trans widow is a woman (usually heterosexual) whose male partner or husband believes that they have a gender identity other than “man” or who cross-dresses. Often women also report having experienced that their husband or partner has autogynephilic (AGP).

Women in this situation report feeling like their male partner has died. This is particularly true if the partner or husband came out as transgender and decided to transition. The transformation is usually so complete that their partner is unrecognizable as the man they married. Both in looks and personality."

Back to me. My wife and I of 25 years literally waged a gender war of attrition. She unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack when she was 50. Crossdressing on my part was no problem with her but she drew the line when I discussed the possibility of hormone replacement therapy. I am not proud of the times I went behind her back to explore the feminine world and then tried to lie to her about it. My problem was I did love her deeply and selfishly tried to live both sides of the gender spectrum. 

Perhaps some of you have attempted to go down the same road before it became too difficult to do. 

Over the years, I have found life is but a circle and the time I was down and out was repaid by the life I have now. I was able to find and get along with a cis woman who totally accepts my transgender self. I need to point out though the person I found could have just as easily been a man. Selfishly though, I have always been around women in my life so staying with woman was always easier. 

In my case I guess I have been a true transgender widow since my wife passed away in 2007.

Teaching the Teacher?

 Yesterday was therapy day. I have mentioned many times here in Cyrsti's Condo how long I have been with my VA therapist. She is my original therapist with the VA who helped me with my hormone replacement therapy program as well as the paper work to get my legal name change rolling. In other words, a long time. 

During most sessions she asks me about the blog and this session our discussion here on "Confidence" caught her attention. Yesterday, it really did when I quoted the conversation here by saying "Confidence is our one greatest accessory." She was so impressed, she wrote it down. 

Most of the time I forget I have to backtrack with her and explain what I am saying. An example would be the process we transgender women and men go through to live a new life as our authentic selves. According to Connie, it's a wall:

"  I remember much discussion, here on CC, about sitting on the wall (straddling the fence). That may be one degree past being up against the wall, but it's where many of us end up for far too long. Once I had built up enough nerve to make the jump to the other side, I found it to be a soft landing - and I have walked confidently on this side of the wall ever since."

Thanks for the comment! I always referred to my "wall" as a slippery slope. The more I experimented living in a feminine world, sure it was scary but it felt so natural. Finally I made the decision to permanently put my male persona in the closet and live 24/7 as a transgender woman. 

Perhaps the teacher will learn just a little more to help the next novice trans person she encounters. I keep telling my therapist to consider just the smallest gender aspect of her life she takes for granted and reverse it. Another example would be when she wakes up in the morning. She has the gender privilege of knowing she is a woman. Most of us knew it too but had to really work to express it. 

It's really wonderful when the teacher learns too. 

Finally an old picture. 

This picture taken after my first trip to a real woman's  hair solon. A birthday gift from my daughter. from 2015.

 

Transgender Winner

 For the first time in the pageant's history, the title of Miss Nevada  has been won by a transgender woman.

Kataluna Enriquez was crowned the winner Sunday in Las Vegas. The 27 year old won the Miss Silver State pageant in March. It was the preliminary for this pageant. 

If she wins the completion in  November, she joins Spain's Angela Ponce as the seconder transgender woman ever to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. 

Transgender Confidence?

 Emma wrote into Cyrsti's Condo with a wonderful comment on how to go about achieving confidence as you enter the feminine world:

" Indeed, I agree completely that confidence is our best accessory. But how does one gain confidence? For those of us who're used to just living authentically what can we advise others?

I think there are a couple of things:
1) As you progress through the world, grocery shopping, doing the mundane things, look around and notice, especially those who you wouldn't normally pay attention to. I know I'm drawn to those I admire, such as pretty, small, young. The truth is that the world is full of a huge variety of people. The message: people just don't notice most others.

2) Do you remember the song "Almost Cut My Hair" by Crosby, Stills, and Nash? In it they sing about letting their "freak flag fly." While we're certainly not freaks it's fair and okay to just put ourselves out there and be, as we are.

3) For most of us, no amount of makeup, padding, and other stuff is going to make us blend in seamlessly. So, get over it. Lose the excessive makeup. No one wears it, and just having all that on your face calls unwanted attention. Again, pay attention to the women you see and present in a similar way according to your own taste.

4) When it comes down to that moment of taking the first step out, consider this mantra that I used to repeat to myself:

"Whenever we feel fear, it means we’re up against some kind of wall … on the other side of the wall is some kind of freedom."

Get to the freedom. It's worth it."

As I said, a wonderful comment! Thanks Emma!

Once you get to the freedom, there is nothing like it. 

More on Transgender Veterans Care

 

Michelle sent in an update on the recent announcement by the Veterans Administration (VA) approving gender realignment surgeries:

" Here's un update on the VA. I talked to several friends that work for the VA and help run clinics for trans people. One stated that it is in the rules and regulations that full trans care has been approved but will take time to get it written into the operating procedures. Apparently, several of the clinics here in Florida already have the personnel that specialize in trans care but the problem is that no formal trans exclusive clinics are set up. My friends say that it may take up to a year to get everything fully established. Here's hoping it won't take that long, but then again it's the government."

Thanks for the update!

As I have written before, a few of my dealings with the VA in the past have resulted in me being referred to an outside provider.  Which leads me to this point, where you are will probably dictate how fast the VA can react to this new ruling. 

For example, I know of two experienced hospitals here in Ohio which do SRS. Perhaps it would be easier for the VA to refer cases to them. 

We shall see. As you said Michelle, it's the government. Personally,  as far as I am concerned, I am fortunate in that I don't desire any radical surgeries to reaffirm my femininity..

Out...and About

 

As you can see by the selfie, Liz and I did make it out last night to enjoy eating at one of our favorite restaurants. 

The food was good and I was able to show off my quite expensive dental work.

Aside from the woman who sat us, our server was was adequate but friendly and referred to us as "ladies." 

Also from yesterday, I commented on the heat wave going on out West. I mentioned Connie who lives in Seattle. Since Seattle isn't used to such intense heat, a large percentage of the population doesn't have air conditioning. 

Does Connie? Let's find out:

"Well, the thermometer on our deck is reading 110, and it's only 3:00 pm! The composite decking may be influencing the thermometer to read higher than the actual temp, but it showed 98 when it was in the shade earlier. Anyway, I'm glad I'm not working outside today, although we're one of the 67% of residences that does not have AC here in Seattle, so being inside is not so great, either. I discovered that I've collected seven electric fans over the years, though. I wish I had that many fans left for my musical career, and I know what may still remain is not very electric anymore. :-)

The worst part of this heat is that I have to wear a wig! Of course, I could go without it, but I don't think the skin on top of my head is my (as you put it) most valuable beauty commodity."

Stay cool all. As you can see I have my mane of hair pulled back to stay cool. 

Stay Cool out There

 As most of the United States is suffering through intense heat, it's time to pull out those tank tops you maybe haven't had a chance to wear in awhile. 

In Seattle where Connie lives  the temperature  today is expected to reach well over one hundred degrees (F). 

The picture is of Connie doing her job pre-covid by keeping the plants beautiful (as she is!) in downtown Seattle, 

As uncomfortable as all the heat is, it does give us transgender women a chance to show a womans most valuable beauty commodity, our skin.

Around here in Ohio the temps are supposed to be near 90 and Liz and I are supposed to go out tonight. I have finally located my favorite sandals and now if I can get my feet public ready, I will wear them tonight. 

In the meantime, somehow- someway I hope all of you out West manage to get rain and relief from the heat.

Lots of Clutter

 I attended a rather lengthy webinar yesterday designed to help care givers deal with elderly parents or patients. Predictably, no mention was made concerning LGBTQ+ individuals. I did have a question in to be answered by email at a later date. We will see if the moderator ever answers me.  I doubt it but at the least I got my point across. At any rate, the whole adventure used all my battery power on my laptop along with the usual allotted time I use  to write a blog post.

Then today, I filled out a LGBTQ+ survey and filled out the on line vehicle license tags registration for our car. As always it took Ohio time to catch up and offer an on line service to residents of the state.

Speaking of Ohio, the Repugs in our legislature tried to pull a quick one and reintroduce a ban on transgender athletes in the state which was previously defeated. Fortunately it was defeated again and so far trans athletes in Ohio can compete.  As always, our transgender rights seem to be so fragile. 

The idea of fragile rights continues in this post as readers discuss the recent VA policy shift supporting gender realignment surgeries. First, Lisa P:

" It is good news, but we will see joy know that we have real progress when the next Republican Administration doesn't dismantle the program. My advice to anyone who needs the help is to get it NOW, while the getting is good. Hopefully, this policy will remain in place, but one never knows."

So true Lisa, thanks for the comment.

Then Michelle commented: 

"Remember that the article did state that the VA needs to find medical staff the can perform the procedures. Unfortunately, as with all government programs it will take some time to get it established. I'm with Lisa about if the republican party has anything to do with it, we will see that taken away. I'm also fully aware of the transphobe medical staff that the VA has down here in Florida.
As you said Cyrsti about having a hint of paranoia, I will be waiting to see what will happen. I hope to find out more this weekend when I meet with several members of the LGBTQ group that works in the VA."

Hopefully this means if the VA can't do the procedure themselves, they have to find someone to do it!

Please keep us posted! Also the person in the photo is Carla Lewis. I wore a similar shirt to a Columbus, Ohio Pride event several years ago. 

Confidence!

Circa 2014

 Most assuredly a novice transgender person's initial
 feminine steps into the world are terrifying. Changing genders is not for the faint of hearted. 

Recently I read a post on one of the social media outlets I follow from a new gender explorer desperate to live her life farther. She was tired of "walking" the malls (which are rapidly disappearing)  and wanted to try new and exciting venues. I recommended checking out any local LGBT groups to see if they had any social get togethers. 

The whole interaction brought back memories of my earliest days when I too was tired of the malls and wanted to try something different. I was fortunate and was able to establish a new life as a transgender woman without terrific setbacks. The fear of trying to live a feminine life was far worse than doing it. Plus the more I tried, the more natural my feminine side felt. Perhaps my first transgender girlfriend who used to meet up with me in straight  sports bars said it the best, I passed out of pure stubbornness.  A nice way of saying I wasn't the best looking woman in the room but a woman none the less.

As I fast forward to today, I think back to the recent interaction I had with the restaurant hostess who was stressed out with her seating situation. When it was my turn to ask about the group, there was no recognition from either of us there was a transgender woman in the conversation. The whole interaction was simply person to person. 

Once she found out I was not upset, life went on and I found a spot at the bar. It felt good to be out and proud in public again.

Confidence is our best accessory!