Passing Confidence

 Recently I received this comment on "passing" from the Cyrtsih@yahoo.com email from Tami:

"It seems that many have different views on the importance of passing, and I won't argue that.  To each their own.  I put high value on it however.  Like many, my initial experiences out in public were guarded. My wig was ok, my makeup just ok, outfit not quite right.  Then I matured, the facial hair was 95% removed, and I grew my hair out.  Already small at 5'9" and 145 lbs at my heaviest.  My dermatologist helped with a little botox and fillers to feminize my facial cues.  (So supportive too!) I took some voice lessons at U of A in Tucson .  It all just came together for me.

I still go to work as male, push my medium length bob back and play it straight.

At a business lunch with a speaker recently, I sat next to a woman at our table of eight women.  I invited her to lunch a few days afterwards.  She had no clue I was trans and said so, when I mentioned it late into our second meeting.  So I don't need to be 'stealth' but if it happens, I let it.  I could share a dozen more stories that warm my heart given the intimacy, good humor, and kind words that were shared. 

I pass now 99% in any setting, and there isn't anywhere I won't go or do confidently.  Friends have said I own the room with my confidence.  I can (and do sometimes), have a bad 'voice moment' and leave someone wondering, but never a discouraging word is heard.  Always a compliment!   I always want to be the best ambassador for trans people and it works.  So the icing on the cake (for me), in passing is the total acceptance from others; the many female friends I have developed long and lasting relationships with.  And, sometimes their husbands too.  I had once thought that other women might only see me as a novelty, and their interest would fade.  It hasn't.  They are remain friends and the circle grows.

So it's the relationships - normal friends and a social life that makes passing rewarding for me and easy for others to befriend me and stick with me."

Thanks so much for the comment! I know another local trans girl who is a "natural" and passes easily. Even to the point of being a wonderful karaoke singer (when there was such a thing!) but she still goes to work as her male self. 

To each their own! 

My own story was a little more complex as I was slightly under six feet tall and weighed over 275 lbs  when I started to transition. I then promptly lost fifty pounds. I too though began to rely on my personality and confidence to gain any "passing" privilege I could.

Former WWE Superstar Comes Out

 For years I have wondered how long it would be before an NFL Football player comes out as a transgender woman. With all the thousands of men who have played (or are playing) the sport, the odds have it a couple have to be trans. After all, several have come out as gay. 

Now, in another sport it seems the transgender barrier has been broken.

Former WWE superstar who wrestled as Tyler Reks has come out as Gabbi Tuft has come out as her authentic self. 

 

She said, I don't expect everyone to agree or understand but it wasn't her place to change any core beliefs. As the outer shell may change, the soul remains the same.

It all makes sense in that so many transgender women seek to over masculinize themselves to over compensate in the world.

Up Date

 I spoke too soon (or wrote) because a couple hours after my meaningless "Robo" call from the VA concerning my Covid vaccine, my phone rang again.

This time there was actually a real person on the  other end waiting to help me make my appointments for both Covid shots. 

So perhaps the best news is I am going on this coming Saturday for the first one which looks like a better day weather wise. The middle of the week, we are supposed to have the infamous snow/ice mixture interspersed with bitter cold.  

The only bad part of the call was, the guy on the other end kept mis-pronouning me. No matter how many times I corrected him. I finally gave up and made sure my name was on the list.

I hope the vaccines are proven to be the beginning of the end of this pandemic madness.

Desperation?

 It's very frustrating when a trip to visit the vampires to have my blood work done becomes such a big deal.

After all though, it was one of the very rare times I have been able to get out of the house these days. I was able to talk Liz into going with me as we had to head north to Dayton to let the vampires do their quick work.

It's my own fault in that essentially I am stuck between two Veteran's Administration hospitals. The first one in Dayton is about an hour and a half away but it is definitely more user friendly than the hospital here in Cincinnati. Plus, it might be my imagination but the Dayton VA seems to be more transgender friendly. 

Be that as it may, as we entered the hospital, we had to be checked in and asked the magical question, "What brings you here today." I so badly wanted to say just to look around or we came just to enjoy the wonderful cafeteria food. Needless to say, I didn't say that and we were allowed to continue our masked journey to where the blood laboratories were taken. 

Very quickly, we were done and making the trip back to Cincinnati.  Since I had fasted for the blood letting, we stated to look for a place to eat on the way back.

Along the way we found one of those infamous fast food strips along the interstate so we left the highway and began our search. Amidst the sprawl was a Popeyes Chicken restaurant. In the past I have eaten at a Popeyes several times but since there isn't one close to our home, I had never tried one of their chicken sandwiches.  I loved my first spicy chicken sandwich and wondered why anyone would ever eat at the hate chicken place, Chick-fil-A.

All too soon after a couple more errands the big day out was over and it was back to covid seclusion to me.   Perhaps a light is coming at the end of the tunnel for me. Sunday in typical VA style I received a robo call from the Cincinnati asking me if I wanted a vaccine. When I pushed the proper number saying I did, the voice came on and told me no one was available to answer my request. I just laughed and thought some things never change in the military...hurry up and wait. 

TDOV

It doesn't seem possible but the days are rolling by and it's time again to plan another Transgender Day of Visibility.   Recently, here in Cincinnati, I was contacted by an acquaintance of mine from the transgender - cross dresser group I participate in every now and then locally. 

For the TDOV issue I was asked if I had any ideas and/or would I participate in the Zoom meetings for virtual planning. After giving it a little thought, I figured the whole subject I could shed some light on was what happens to LGBT individuals when they have to seek out assisted living care facilities later in life. 

As I thought the whole process through a bit farther, I thought how fortunate I was  to have been able to attend two seminars on the LGBT aging subject from the person who not so long ago suddenly passed away. In more than a couple ways, I like to consider him a mentor of sorts. 

Now, if I decide to move forward, I have to come up with how I would present it. 

Girls Night Out

 In my very early days of being out and about as a transgender woman, one of my "bucket list" items was to be included in an authentic girls night out. 

My first happened in 2016 as I was invited by my friend Min to come along. Even though I was thrilled, I was still scared to death.

Most amazingly, I found a picture! I am on the bottom left holding my breath :) The picture was taken by Min's (bottom center) husband Ian. 

Terf's in the UK

 Paula responded to our Cyrsti's Condo post on "Trans excusatory radical feminists" or TERFS in the UK where she lives:

' Yes they are a BIG problem here in the UK, they are a very small but very vocal and very well funded minority, and our media seem to hear and listen to them. For me the idea they embrace of bodily determinism is diametrically opposed to main stream feminism ~ but a lot of people who claim to be feminists really aren't or haven't really thought it all through. They also seem to miss understand what it is they should be fighting, men are not the enemy, the patrimony is. I have been fairly active in both the feminist movement and LGBT+ matters over here so I am well aware of how much of a minority they really are, not all feminists and certainly not all lesbians are TERFs."

Thanks for the response Paula!

Gender Frauds?

 In somewhat of a continuation of the Cyrsti's Condo post on "Terf's", here is another idea I have seen recently which effects transgender women during their lives. 

I have a young transgender woman acquaintance who has shaped herself into a very convincing woman. Even though she has transitioned well, she has what she describes as "impostor syndrome." I think it is another description for gender dysphoria. 

She is quite outspoken about her life and the trials and tribulations of working while trans. For awhile, she was employed as a receptionist at a psychiatric clinic which primarily dealt with transgender patients. Along the way she left that job and decided to re-pursue her educational goals. Along the way too, she worked at a deli and was accepted by everyone except perhaps the worst Terf of all, a religious one. Daily, my friend was subjected to religious reasons she shouldn't be living the life she was. 

Fortunately for her, she escaped the Terf and now is advancing quickly up the ladder of a restaurant chain. Since I worked in the same business for over three decades, I whole heartedly think her personality would be ideal for the job. 

I just hope her "imposter syndrome" doesn't reoccur and get the best of her .  We all have to remember we are never gender frauds. Human beings rarely exist on the well worn gender binary. There are more than two genders. Sooner more than later, narrow minded bigots in society will have to work their way through it. Similar to the current waves of Republican bills in state legislatures around the country seeking to curtail  transgender representation in sports all the way to bills against youthful medical transgender transition. This time around, we have the groundwork in place to fight back.

Always remember...Instead of gender frauds, we are the true gender survivors.

Terf's

Do you know what a "Terf" is, or what it means?

To put it simply, a Terf is a cis woman who dislikes transgender women  First of all, here's how the name came to be. It is the abbreviation for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism. Essentially the idea it is impossible for a person assigned a specific gender at birth to transition and occupy the space of another gender. They take it as far as seeing it  as an invasion all over again from the patriarchy and essentially raping women again. 

In their neat conceptual world, men are the predators and women are the prey. To introduce any form of a transgender woman is an attack on feminism everywhere in addition to trans males being a threat to butch lesbians.

I would have to ask Paula for sure but I think Terf's are more publicized in Great Britain where Paula is from. However, a few years ago I was confronted by gender rejection at a lesbian Valentine's Dance Liz and I went to here in Cincinnati. You could definitely refer to the person who literally sought me out to harass me as a Terf. 

I was minding my own business waiting for Liz to rejoin me with a few appetizers when this lesbian approached and started to ask me about what my "real" name was. Unfortunately, I hadn't had my name legally changed yet to produce my driver's license.  By the time Liz returned, the bitch had disappeared again into the crowd. 

Being the glutton for punishment I was back in those days, I even tried to join Liz's lesbian meet up group which put on the dance. Naturally I was rejected for being transgender and not a "real" woman. Shortly after that, Liz left the group, 

Since essentially, my feminine upbringing was helped along by cis women lesbians, I know all lesbians aren't Terf's. Plus, naively I have always felt the more the better when it comes to any form of human movements. In other words, I don't understand why cis women Terf's wouldn't want transgender women involved in their search for equality in gender rights. After all, we have seen the gender world  from both sides and made our choice to leave our male privileges behind. 

In the meantime, I will forever remember the time I was gender slurred and attacked by a Terf.