The Mechanic

The trip to get the oil changed at the mechanic was predictably uneventful. First of all, social distancing was being practiced so there weren't very many customers in the place to start with. Plus the rest of the customers and a few of the employees were all wearing masks. The guys actually doing all of the work weren't so I hope they were not Covid positive. 

All paranoia aside. since we are regulars in the store, no one paid us much mind. They are always happy to see our money. Of course, with our luck, something as easy as an oil change couldn't go over without a hitch. It was filter change time too, and the place didn't have the filters they needed to finish the job. So now we have to go back when the filters get there. 

Now, at the least, we have another excuse to go out somewhere. In other areas too, life is looking as if it may return to a sense of normalcy for us. Liz received a text from her boss today saying she possibly may be going back to work (from home) next week. 

I am looking forward to going out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants one of these weeks. Most places are reopening with guidelines in place. I guess I am fortunate in my self esteem is not connected with how I dress everyday. I know when I wake up who I am. I am unfortunate in that my depression stems from being bi-polar. I have been under it's influence for so long, after a few relapses (such as yesterday) I know what to expect. 

On occasion though, I do feel guilty about not being able to write about the frilly feminine aspects for me being transgender. Reality tells me the next time I will possibly get dressed up will be for my youngest grandson's bar mitzfah which will be coming up on a very limited scale later in June. 

In the meantime, I will have to do with what I have!  

Depression

It's a good thing I had Liz around to talk to yesterday. For some reason, I began to feel the walls close in from our forced quarantine from the world. Along the way too, I have begun to think of what we are going to do as the world begins to open back up. Since summer has finally arrived, I was able to pull out one of my favorite outfits I barely remembered I had. Essentially it's a sleeveless tank top with a satin bow which keeps it fitted together so it can be worn in public. I paired it with a pair of lose fitting culottes. Even the outfit couldn't get me out of my depression. I even fantasized about wearing my semi revealing summer outfit to one of our local lesbian bars. 

Reality soon set in and it was back to thinking ahead to the week ahead after Memorial Day. The only exiting happenings revolve around our cars. I need to take our newer car into the mechanic for an oil change. The older car is much more of a challenge. It has been sitting for quite a while now and needs a new battery (I hope). Assuming we can get the hood open, we have a portable battery jumper we can try out. How's that for excitement? 

Since I am bi-polar, I am used to bouts of depression and how to handle them. Since I have waited this long for things to open back up, it looks like I still have a ways to go to at least get out and about...just a little. 

In the meantime. it seems like at the least boredom is my way of life.   

Mommies' Little Girl

This is actually from 2010 and was reposted in 2012 and has always been received well, so here we go again. It was actually called, "What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mom Want?"

This picture was from the end of
my "blond period" about 5 years ago
and was only taken as a response to
those "who wanted to see more of me"
As you can see the quality is terrible.

"Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us. Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.

All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons. The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did). The second would be is how much I look like her. How many of you believe your Mom knowingly or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world? I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out. I would bet you my brother doesn't!

 The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know. (Update! Perhaps the DES drug my Mom very well could have taken during her pregnancy could been the answer.) Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.

My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts. She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance. She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like and live a very wide open lifestyle. Neither Mom or me or even my daughter are shy women."

Memorial Day 2020

As you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, Memorial Day is special to me for a number of reasons including the fact I am a transgender veteran of the Vietnam War era. In itself none of my service entitles me to be any more patriotic. But then I was forced into service and honorably served my time...the best I was able. Unfortunately,  many of you too know someone who served and paid the ultimate price. It should be for them we celebrate the holiday. 

I celebrate my service too because of what I gained. Most importantly I gained a relationship which actually thrives to this day and provided me with a daughter I cherish. I found the hard way that life is but a circle, the least of which is proven by me finally getting to live as my chosen gender. Other ways though include the Veteran's Administration health care I take advantage of, all the way to my nine year relationship I currently enjoy with my partner Liz. 

Perhaps now, more than ever before our country faces more challenges. On Memorial Day it's time to pause and examine how we got here and how to improve where we are going.

Cyrsti's Condo Quote of the Day

" Life is but a circle if you let it turn!"

Jessie Hart

A Decade

It turns out I have been writing Cyrsti's Condo for a decade now. On certain days, it seems like yesterday when Connie encouraged to start writing a blog on others it seems as if it was a century ago. At any rate, after I figured out what a blog really was I am nearing six thousand posts today. 

After extensive searching, I found a post from 2010:

"Saturday, May 29, 2010

You make a better looking woman!

You've probably heard the comment.
Unless you are like the recent "Tyra Show"guests. I'm referring to the 7 and 8 year old transgender kids who are living in their preferred gender. You've likely agonized over the duality within you. .When I played defensive end, I wanted to be the cheerleader...you know the story.
My experimentation with the opposite gender didn't really start until I was about 12. The magic elixir of seeing a girl in the mirror was powerful.  I've often wondered if some chemical endorphin in my brain is the catalyst for the creature I am today.
And what about the comments that I made a" better looking woman than man"?  (Halloween party gossip) Comments such as those used to destroy me! How could I even consider stopping this shameful "hobby"? Where was my "get out of jail free" card to end this madness?
Obviously, I didn't stop. In my mind there is nothing more powerful than a beautiful woman so I listened to the comments and obsessed to get better.  Better I did become.

The world knew me as one gender or the other and for the most part I went out of my way to create two existences.  Chance encounters with people who knew the male side of me never produced any recognition. Life was balanced.
Until New Years day this year.

Symbolically, I started the year and decade as Cyrsti for the first time ever. Checked into the hotel as a girl, went to the clubs with friends and left the next morning in girl clothes. On the way home, I changed into my favorite teams jersey (filled it out a little different!) and stopped and watched the first of the bowl  games.
On the way home, I was totally into girl mode when impulsively I stopped at my regular grocery store to pick up a couple things. On New Years Day I figured none of the regular cashiers would be working.  If they were, they wouldn't know me anyhow.  Wrong, wrong and WRONG! Both of the regular cashiers were working.
Of course one of them picked me out of the crowd immediately. I knew it and she knew it...she thought. I bought my groceries and took off.

I went back the next day to see if I was right.  It took her about ten seconds to start asking questions since I was alone in line.
She said "I know how you will answer" but "do you have an alter ego" or did I lose a bet.
I was naturally evasive as I considered "outing" myself and just said I was at my brothers watching football.
I did not out myself to her so she got bored and  wrapped it all up with "Who ever it was was very attractive and really looked like you".
Nearly three days later I ended up in the other cashier's line. Following a similar Q & A, she just said "if you ever had to go that way, you would have no problems, she was beautiful."
Not my ideal way to go fishing for compliments.

Fortunately, my gender balance wasn't too difficult to restore.  Many around me know of my duality and I don't care.
I did spend some time considering the old questions about how challenging it is to live life this way.
But you know I wouldn't miss another shot of that "magical elixir." Life would be soooo much more boring!"

There you go. Obviously I was better looking a decade ago! I even found pictures from 2010.

A Real Transgender Hero

I know from a few of the comments I receive there are several Nicole Maines fans who visit the Cyrsti's Condo blog. For all of you (and more), here is an interview I found on one of my news feeds you may be interested in.

This comes from an interview on the Collider site:  As Nia Nal, a.k.a. Dreamer, on The CW series Supergirl, actress Nicole Maines plays the first transgender superhero on television. Before her time on Supergirl, Maines had already spent years as something of a superhero in real life, fighting for trans rights, equality, and visibility from a very young age. With two Supergirl seasons under her belt, Maines has had the opportunity to highlight both the strides made toward acceptance and how far there is still to go.

For more, go here.

Back in the Saddle...

Well almost that is. I have actually had an active week for a change, even though some of it has been done virtually.

Monday, I had a therapist appointment  by phone. I am so fortunate in that my moods have been stable for awhile now, so the session only went about half the scheduled hour. Hopefully I gave up the rest of my time to a veteran who needed the time worse than I. 

Tuesday was what I call "vampire day". I actually had to travel up to Dayton, Ohio to have my blood labs taken to see if I needed to have a pint taken if I had too much iron in my blood. Also, it was my second try to find out what my hormone levels were. The last time they were taken, the labs disappeared in the system. In a day or so, I will be able to check myself on my veterans health on line site. I am still three months away from my next endocrinologist visit so hopefully all will be fine as it was with my iron. This time I didn't have to have any blood taken.

Tuesday also happened to be the day for the "question of the week." The Dayton VA hospital I go to is now cordoned off so they can control who comes and goes. When I arrived at the guard station, the woman asked me if I was there for an appointment. I so wanted to say, no, this place is so exciting I just come to hang out here. But I didn't. 

Thursday was my virtual meeting with the Rainbow Elder Alliance up in Dayton. The group was screening me to see if they wanted me on their board of directors. My goal is to get to a point where I can speak to elderly housing groups concerning treatment of transgender and LGB persons they treat. If I can get to a point where I can help at least one other person, the whole effort can be worthwhile. 

One other surprise I took from the virtual meeting was how much the other board members didn't know about transgender people. In fact, one of the women said just that. I told them, there haven't been many questions I haven't been asked over the years, so fire away!

Thursday was also the day for our trip to the market. I don't know how you feel about wearing a mask in public. I feel if I want to protect someone else, I should have the right and I expect others to respect me too by wearing a mask. Yes it is uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to breathe with my breathing problems but I do it and so should they. It's a good thing some of them couldn't hear what I was calling them, under my mask. So much for my rant of the week. 

By Thursday night I was "socialized" out and decided not to attend the first virtual social of the cross dresser-transgender group I am a part of. As snarky as I was feeling, it was probably a good move. As I am back to whatever "passes" for normal for me now!

Suicide With a Cat's Perspective

Over the years, I have read and seen all too many posts concerning suicide brought on by transgender gender dysphoria. The title of the post is the same as the title of this post and can be found in it's entirety here.  Many of you regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo know I led a very self destructive life which led to my own suicide attempt, These days I have a very sound support system with my partner Liz, my daughter and two mental health professionals provided by the Veteran's Administration because I am Bi-Polar. Through it all, I realize how fortunate I am. I know there are many of you who live in despair. Here is an very small excerpt from the mentioned post to maybe help you:

"You are not a failure.

Just because you are transgender, does not make you broken- you do not need fixing.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are a human in the wrong physical body, but with the strongest, most precious soul and I see you and you are beautiful.

You are not your thoughts and you are not other people’s thoughts.  They can tell you that you are crazy; they can tell you that you are wrong.  You can tell yourself that this is too hard or that you are not worthy of being the person you desire to be.  Or, you can practice watching these thoughts come in and go out and let yourself be worthy of life. 

Be impeccable with the words you speak about yourself and others because those words become the general consciousness of society; every time you define, judge, criticize and belittle yourself, you are contributing to the creation of the same world that hurts you so much."

This was taken from the final blog post of a transgender woman in Scotland. Aside from being on the brink of suicide myself, I don't consider myself a trained professional expert on the subject. My advice to all of you is perhaps you can reach out to a local LGBT group for help resources. 

Always remember too, what is true today, doesn't have to be true tomorrow. Take my life as an example. Everything and everybody around me who were dear to me died off (literally) in a three year period and deep down inside I believed somehow I deserved it. All of a sudden my life started to change and I found myself where I am today.

Life is a series of rebuilding projects and believe in yourself to make it.