Several years ago, we ran a post here in Cyrsti's Condo called Beyond Transition. At that time I mentioned I had a few more thoughts to share on the matter. I was curious to see how many (if any) of my ideas had changed over the years:
"Beyond Transition" is a huge idea to be sure. I look at transition as a passage from point "a" to point "b". When I look at the transgender community as a whole, does anyone ever really get to point "b"? My only point of reference is when I'm out with friends and I lose any sense of gender. I simply just am who I am. Have I transitioned, am I done? Am I the same as a transsexual woman who has gone through SRS and lives her life with no fanfare down your street? Could be...or not.
Although I have not had the surgeries the trans woman down the street has had, would her transition qualify as being more complete? Probably not. In essence if either of us is facing taking estrogen till the day we die, we are still transitioning. Perhaps the only defining separation is one of us is determined to talk about our life to hopefully lend some guidance to others - the other not and that's fine too.
On the other hand transitioning does imply a certain series of events. The external move from gender "a" to "b" is very clear. You decide you need to change to live, you begin to socialize yourself in your non birth gender, you decide you want to ingest chemicals into your body to further the process and you go "under the knife" to complete any physical changes you may deem necessary. This black and white process looks very good on paper and especially works well with a male mind but often runs into problems with the mental processes.
In my case, some would assume I already have the problems with my mental processes, so it's been damn difficult on occasion to sort out what is coming from where. An example is years ago on my first visit to a "gender therapist", she asked if I had any problems with my cross dressing. I said no but I did have problems on the effect it was having on my marriage. To make a long expensive story short, the only good result of the visits was that she diagnosed me with a very clear bi-polar disorder.
So I guess MtF transitioning is in the mind of the beholder. The TS woman down the street may be "snug as a bug in the rug" in her stealth life. On the other hand, I don't think I have ever been snug at anything. If the river is calm, bring me a boat to rock to see if I can tip it in my heels. Plus I hope I never lose the wonder of where this life has taken me.
Years ago when Uncle Sam let me go after three glorious years, I was discharged at Ft. Dix in New Jersey where my car was waiting from Germany. I threw my duffel bag in the back seat of my 1973 VW Beetle and headed home to Ohio. The next morning was clear, blue and beautiful when I got onto the Pennsylvania turnpike. Just for a split second at a toll booth on a hill and had a chance to look at the road in the valley ahead. What a rush of freedom it was! I thought I would never have a chance to reclaim that moment again but guess what - I'm close. Never say never.
So I guess my transition will only end when I depart this life and I look back and think how crazy it was that being transgender was so earth shattering. I will get back to you on that!
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Transgender Transition's Slippery Slope
I have been going back to 2013 and examining my old posts here in Cyrsti's Condo from the period.
The theme which seems to come through loud and clear, is 2013 was the time I was living an estimated two to three days a week as a cross dresser and thinking seriously of going 24/7. Of course the ramifications were huge.
Back in those days, I had three friends who ended up supporting me and they indirectly pushed me along. I did feel as if I was sliding down a slippery gender slope to a transgender life.
The difference to me from crossing the frontier from cross dresser to transgender woman was simply one of acceptance.
At the time, comments to the blog hinted I was no more than a full time cross dresser, since I had not always considered I was trans. It is a good argument, except when you consider I was easily into my 40's when the transgender term/life was even being explored for the first time. Also I need to point out I was running as fast as I could from the concept in my high heeled shoes.
Leaving my safe male background and all it represented was indeed a scary proposition.
The turning point? No matter how far or fast I was slipping down the slope towards the point of no return, the more natural I felt.
As it turned out, the fear of the fall was far worse than the landing. Little did I know I was headed towards a happiness I felt I would never know.
The theme which seems to come through loud and clear, is 2013 was the time I was living an estimated two to three days a week as a cross dresser and thinking seriously of going 24/7. Of course the ramifications were huge.
Back in those days, I had three friends who ended up supporting me and they indirectly pushed me along. I did feel as if I was sliding down a slippery gender slope to a transgender life.
The difference to me from crossing the frontier from cross dresser to transgender woman was simply one of acceptance.
At the time, comments to the blog hinted I was no more than a full time cross dresser, since I had not always considered I was trans. It is a good argument, except when you consider I was easily into my 40's when the transgender term/life was even being explored for the first time. Also I need to point out I was running as fast as I could from the concept in my high heeled shoes.
Leaving my safe male background and all it represented was indeed a scary proposition.
The turning point? No matter how far or fast I was slipping down the slope towards the point of no return, the more natural I felt.
As it turned out, the fear of the fall was far worse than the landing. Little did I know I was headed towards a happiness I felt I would never know.
Yay or Nay
This archive post goes back a couple of years here in Cyrsti's Condo but it is still relevant for me today:
"Back in the day" when I was cross dressing and beginning to explore the feminine world, I constantly thought would I - could I ever "go full time." Obviously (for any number of reasons) I took my time almost to the point of suicide.
During that period of time a couple things stood out in my mind. One of which was a "documentary" of sorts about a person who was shown picking out a wardrobe ahead of her trip to Thailand for her SRS. Afterwards, the story skipped ahead to a welcome home party of sorts to her home town. I thought at the time, wasn't that all a bit too easy? What did walking around in her new "little black dress" at the party have to do with her reestablishing a new life?
Then, there was the guy who went through sex reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for a few years and wanted no part of it. I remember thinking Wow - shouldn't a person be sure? Would I ever be? What if I went the distance and could never go back.
Well, I have never "gone the distance" as far as SRS was concerned and at the age of 66, I wonder about the health concerns of doing so. As it turned out, I learned the hard way what was between my ears defined me. Not what is between my legs.
I'm no expert but, over the years people have asked me what questions (and answers) which brought me to where I am today. My best advice is very simple. There are two ways NOT to find out if you can OR if you want to live as a trans woman. No matter how much time anybody says you should live a feminine life, that does not mean walking the mall day after day or hanging out in gay venues. It means doing decidedly unfeminine things (which women have to do) like going to an auto parts store-etc.
Plus, recently, Connie and I have have been discussing another level of acceptance in the world-as yourself as a transgender woman. In nearly polar opposites in the country we both became members of "Meet Up" Groups. In doing so, we have discovered total strangers like us for our feminine selves. Not a small deal of course.
So, of course, if one rushes into this gender change thing at any age, it's tough. It just could be tougher the older you get and the extra baggage (not under my eyes!) which comes with age. I can only say, as I MtF transitioned, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was doing the right thing. I can also understand why many would call me all too timid also!!!"
"Back in the day" when I was cross dressing and beginning to explore the feminine world, I constantly thought would I - could I ever "go full time." Obviously (for any number of reasons) I took my time almost to the point of suicide.
During that period of time a couple things stood out in my mind. One of which was a "documentary" of sorts about a person who was shown picking out a wardrobe ahead of her trip to Thailand for her SRS. Afterwards, the story skipped ahead to a welcome home party of sorts to her home town. I thought at the time, wasn't that all a bit too easy? What did walking around in her new "little black dress" at the party have to do with her reestablishing a new life?
Then, there was the guy who went through sex reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for a few years and wanted no part of it. I remember thinking Wow - shouldn't a person be sure? Would I ever be? What if I went the distance and could never go back.
Well, I have never "gone the distance" as far as SRS was concerned and at the age of 66, I wonder about the health concerns of doing so. As it turned out, I learned the hard way what was between my ears defined me. Not what is between my legs.
I'm no expert but, over the years people have asked me what questions (and answers) which brought me to where I am today. My best advice is very simple. There are two ways NOT to find out if you can OR if you want to live as a trans woman. No matter how much time anybody says you should live a feminine life, that does not mean walking the mall day after day or hanging out in gay venues. It means doing decidedly unfeminine things (which women have to do) like going to an auto parts store-etc.
Plus, recently, Connie and I have have been discussing another level of acceptance in the world-as yourself as a transgender woman. In nearly polar opposites in the country we both became members of "Meet Up" Groups. In doing so, we have discovered total strangers like us for our feminine selves. Not a small deal of course.
So, of course, if one rushes into this gender change thing at any age, it's tough. It just could be tougher the older you get and the extra baggage (not under my eyes!) which comes with age. I can only say, as I MtF transitioned, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was doing the right thing. I can also understand why many would call me all too timid also!!!"
Saturday, November 25, 2017
It's Time
It's been a week or two since my "trans-dar" has gone off at the regular mega grocery store we shop at.
I have grown accustomed to seeing a highly possible transgender woman spotting. After seeing a few dressed in heels and hose, the most recent trans women (I think) were dressed more to blend. With jeans, tennis shoes and or boots.
I also try now to at least position myself to smile and speak, if I am not off in my own little world (it's a nice place!) I also figure it's a good bet I will run into them again. Seeing as how many times we visit the same store.
It's almost time to start planning too for Liz and I's New Years Eve gala. As I have written before, the evening is extra special because it marks the anniversary of when I began my MtF transgender transition in earnest by starting HRT. Connie, leave "Earnest" out of it! :)
I am thinking of wearing my black, brown and gold ruffled sleeveless top with my black dress gaucho pants. Like any trans woman, I enjoy getting dressed up for an occasion!
Since now we have passed Thanksgiving and Christmas isn't far away, it's almost time for New Years Eve!
I have grown accustomed to seeing a highly possible transgender woman spotting. After seeing a few dressed in heels and hose, the most recent trans women (I think) were dressed more to blend. With jeans, tennis shoes and or boots.
I also try now to at least position myself to smile and speak, if I am not off in my own little world (it's a nice place!) I also figure it's a good bet I will run into them again. Seeing as how many times we visit the same store.
It's almost time to start planning too for Liz and I's New Years Eve gala. As I have written before, the evening is extra special because it marks the anniversary of when I began my MtF transgender transition in earnest by starting HRT. Connie, leave "Earnest" out of it! :)
I am thinking of wearing my black, brown and gold ruffled sleeveless top with my black dress gaucho pants. Like any trans woman, I enjoy getting dressed up for an occasion!
Since now we have passed Thanksgiving and Christmas isn't far away, it's almost time for New Years Eve!
We Go International
One of the amazing things to me about the"world wide web" is how global it is. I suppose I'm not alone in my generation.
Our Cyrsti's Condo post concerning my politics getting me blocked by an irate "trans" woman on FB. My point simply was, I didn't understand how any transgender person can support an administration who does it best to deny the trans community any rights. In fact, doing it's best to take them away. Somehow, questioning her "transness" came into play and we were done.
I also lamented the current highly charged political atmosphere stopping any political "discussions."
It turns out, the case is the same in Australia, from Jeni:
" Jeni SkunkNovember 24, 2017 at 6:12 PM
Our Cyrsti's Condo post concerning my politics getting me blocked by an irate "trans" woman on FB. My point simply was, I didn't understand how any transgender person can support an administration who does it best to deny the trans community any rights. In fact, doing it's best to take them away. Somehow, questioning her "transness" came into play and we were done.
I also lamented the current highly charged political atmosphere stopping any political "discussions."
It turns out, the case is the same in Australia, from Jeni:
" Jeni SkunkNovember 24, 2017 at 6:12 PM
Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"
This post was written in November of 2013 and explains a lot about me as a person:
Recently I butched it up and did some basic rewiring around Cyrsti's Condo. I accomplished what I set out to fix and destroyed my nails in the process of course. Naturally, electrical work is not recommended in Cyrsti's basic nail care book!
As I finally finished and had new sources of light for my dim eyeballs, I began to think of my own wiring. First things first, of course I'm transgender or at the least gender fluid or whatever label you want to attach to me. Then let's not forget about my pesky bi-polar disorder which was actually diagnosed by a therapist I was seeing because of my gender questions. Plus, for a touch of spice, let's throw in my occasional bout with dyslexia. Yes I do start a book or magazine from the back or middle. Doesn't everyone?
Certainly, I will never find out who was responsible for my wiring job. But dammit I want to blame someone! Maybe I could start with Mom taking the late 1940's/ 1950's problem pregnancy meds. Some of which have been mentioned as possible links to transgender issues. I can hear her now, "Would you rather be transgender or not here at all? And by the way we can get rid of that trans trash by plugging you into a wall somewhere."
What good would it do me anyhow? Over a half century later I'm fairly sure I won't see a lawyer commercial on the Jerry Springer show screaming if your Mom took Drug XYZ during her 1949 pregnancy and you are trans, call us now for cash!
Oh yeah, did I mention my attention span is so short I can barely read a book or the only time I am truly relaxed is when I'm asleep?
Damn! If I didn't live with me, I would have me committed!!!!
I can only say after I finally came to terms with all my wiring issues, I came to understand why my life was rarely boring!
Recently I butched it up and did some basic rewiring around Cyrsti's Condo. I accomplished what I set out to fix and destroyed my nails in the process of course. Naturally, electrical work is not recommended in Cyrsti's basic nail care book!
As I finally finished and had new sources of light for my dim eyeballs, I began to think of my own wiring. First things first, of course I'm transgender or at the least gender fluid or whatever label you want to attach to me. Then let's not forget about my pesky bi-polar disorder which was actually diagnosed by a therapist I was seeing because of my gender questions. Plus, for a touch of spice, let's throw in my occasional bout with dyslexia. Yes I do start a book or magazine from the back or middle. Doesn't everyone?
 |
| 2013 |
What good would it do me anyhow? Over a half century later I'm fairly sure I won't see a lawyer commercial on the Jerry Springer show screaming if your Mom took Drug XYZ during her 1949 pregnancy and you are trans, call us now for cash!
Oh yeah, did I mention my attention span is so short I can barely read a book or the only time I am truly relaxed is when I'm asleep?
Damn! If I didn't live with me, I would have me committed!!!!
I can only say after I finally came to terms with all my wiring issues, I came to understand why my life was rarely boring!
Friday, November 24, 2017
Transgender Hypocrite?
This morning I got into a political disagreement on Facebook! Imagine that :).
As you Cyrsti's Condo regulars know, I don't hide my contempt for the current president or his administration. On the other hand though, for the most part, I allow others to express their opinions on my feed except in the rare? occasion I can't help it and come out with some of my cynical replies.
Plus, if the truth be known, some days I just look to get a rise out of whomever.
This morning though, I chided someone for being trans and liking the Cheeto. I feel like I can't support an anti LGBT president...I just can't. Call me a leftist or whatever...I just can't.
Somehow this morning, the conversation proceeded with me pointing that out to the other person. She ended up writing I was questioning her transness. Now, I may have been questioning her rationale (which I just don't understand) and, I know so many don't understand mine.
The end result was she blocked me and I called her a hypocritical bitch.
The sad thing is, I always enjoyed discussing politics and can't anymore plus I could give a rat's arse less about being more or less transgender than another person!
As you Cyrsti's Condo regulars know, I don't hide my contempt for the current president or his administration. On the other hand though, for the most part, I allow others to express their opinions on my feed except in the rare? occasion I can't help it and come out with some of my cynical replies.
Plus, if the truth be known, some days I just look to get a rise out of whomever.
This morning though, I chided someone for being trans and liking the Cheeto. I feel like I can't support an anti LGBT president...I just can't. Call me a leftist or whatever...I just can't.
 |
| Writing the Blog |
The end result was she blocked me and I called her a hypocritical bitch.
The sad thing is, I always enjoyed discussing politics and can't anymore plus I could give a rat's arse less about being more or less transgender than another person!
Transgender Black Friday Shopping
For years I wanted to brave the crowds and go shopping on Black Friday. It seemed like one of the ultimate feminine things to do and I wanted to check it off my cross dressing bucket list.
I just couldn't connect the dots, having my work schedule combining with my deceased wife working at the same time, so I could go out. For years though, I always was able to arrange at least one day to do my special feminine shopping. During the trips, I was able to learn loads about the possibility of going 24/7 as a full fledged transgender woman.
An example was the night I bought a piece of oak furniture for my wife and needed help to load it. The male employees ended up loading the whole item in my SUV as I stood back and watched. It felt so good!
Back to my first actual Black Friday experience: I chose the closest big mall to me and got a reasonable start after I dressed to blend. Once I arrived and battled for a parking spot, I made it into a mall full of mainly women. The estrogen was palpable!
Lesson number one, no one paid a damned bit of attention to me. Everyone was on a mission.
All too soon, my trip was over as I had to get home and get ready for an afternoon shift. I finished the morning with a lot more confidence in my ability to live as a trans woman, and I checked another item off my bucket list.
I just couldn't connect the dots, having my work schedule combining with my deceased wife working at the same time, so I could go out. For years though, I always was able to arrange at least one day to do my special feminine shopping. During the trips, I was able to learn loads about the possibility of going 24/7 as a full fledged transgender woman.
An example was the night I bought a piece of oak furniture for my wife and needed help to load it. The male employees ended up loading the whole item in my SUV as I stood back and watched. It felt so good!
Back to my first actual Black Friday experience: I chose the closest big mall to me and got a reasonable start after I dressed to blend. Once I arrived and battled for a parking spot, I made it into a mall full of mainly women. The estrogen was palpable!
Lesson number one, no one paid a damned bit of attention to me. Everyone was on a mission.
All too soon, my trip was over as I had to get home and get ready for an afternoon shift. I finished the morning with a lot more confidence in my ability to live as a trans woman, and I checked another item off my bucket list.
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Transgender Thanksgiving Day
As I have said/written many times, how grateful I am for the support I receive from my inner family and my daughters family/extended family.
Ironically enough though, I continue to be estranged from my only brother. He essentially picked his red neck in laws over me, so that was his choice and problem.
I also know many sad/tragic stories of those in the trans LGBT community who suffer alone during the holidays. I urge anyone who is to seek out any local LGBT groups which may exist. Often they have holiday get together s.
Often, the groups can extend a wonderful extended family opportunity to those who need it.
One way or another, here is my wish to you to have a great Thanksgiving and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo.
Ironically enough though, I continue to be estranged from my only brother. He essentially picked his red neck in laws over me, so that was his choice and problem.
I also know many sad/tragic stories of those in the trans LGBT community who suffer alone during the holidays. I urge anyone who is to seek out any local LGBT groups which may exist. Often they have holiday get together s.
Often, the groups can extend a wonderful extended family opportunity to those who need it.
One way or another, here is my wish to you to have a great Thanksgiving and thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo.
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With number 45 though, the situation is far more awkward.
Number 45 is not Religiously rabidly anti-LGBT.
But its follow-up replacements are.
Pence and Ryan.
So the problem is how to keep number 45 in, to keep Pence and Ryan out, whilst minimising the damage actively being caused by number 45.
In their Religious zealotry, Pence and Ryan would trample anti-discrimination into oblivion, and happily turn the USA into a theocratic state.
Short of an absolute dictatorship, the worst of all worlds.
And don't assume that here where I am is much better.
Australian anti-discrimination law, at all levels of Govt, is littered Religious Exemptions applying, so the Religions do not have to comply with anything that goes in opposition to their Beliefs or Faith.
This includes employing women, sacking LGBT, refusing services, ect.
Basically those exemptions form a nicely detailed "How say F__K YOU to the Law, and Actively Discriminate, AND Get Away With It".
And from the U.K. and Paula:
"Paula GoodwinNovember 25, 2017 at 8:33 AM
I am concerned that over here in the UK we seem to be developing the same problem you have with an ever widening divide in politics. It feels impossible to have a rational political discussion with somebody with a different stand point and remain friends, very sad!"