Life Turns on a Dime - Part Nine

This post I could have called turned on a quarter because of what happened.

As I wrote before, I was pretty well freed up to finally choose a feminine transgender path if I wanted one.  As I was seemingly taking my good old sweet time, the sun, the moon and the stars parted and showed me the way.

It was about this time the Veterans Administration announced it would cover HRT treatment for transgender veterans if I was approved and I went for it by signing up for a round of therapy. Also around this time my group of friends was showing me down a feminine path, more than they ever realized and finally I was close enough to take early Social Security retirement at the age of 63. So I could be freed up not to try to transition on a job.

So one night I was sitting by myself and the blinding realization came to me this was a golden opportunity to fulfill basically was a lifelong dream-to be a girl. And, all of a sudden the weight of tons of guilt fell from my shoulders and a murky path was clear.

Besides just living the feminine experience as a trans woman instead of a cross dresser, hormones were to make a tremendous difference for me.

This is where my story gets a little tender, because I don't belittle crossdressers at all or even trans girls who are not on HRT. Because I know at my age, I know I am but one health condition away from going off my hormones.

But to me, estrogen was going to make an almost immediate positive impact on my life and one my friends would notice.

So much so, it deserves it's own post.

Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

I picked this old post because it fits in with our "Dime" posts: from 2013:

Monday, December 16, 2013

Problem?

Two ladies commented on the Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition Post".  "Billie" commented the evening must have been wonderful, but asked where was the "problem" I mentioned.
The "problem" was simply one of "habit".  As I struggled to learn more and more of what this feminine life is really all about, it was tough.  Of course, the whole process of dressing yourself, moving correctly and interacting with the public was tough enough.  As difficult though, was having to accomplish the task in "bits and pieces".  I resorted to one to three days a week living as much feminine life as I could.  Naturally, I would lose much of what I learned when I lived as a guy again then started all over.

My problem now is, I have flashbacks to those days.  The rare times from my past when everything seemed to be "working" and I felt good as a woman, I really began to relax, enjoy myself and invariably slip back into male habits.  I had to constantly remind myself of which gender role I was occupying at the time.

I found myself "reminding myself" of the same habits at the party.  The problem is the process really disrupts me being me.  I know I'm relatively outgoing and I enjoy the process more as a woman.  For the most part, men still don't migrate towards me but women do and I enjoy the interaction.  Women of course are naturally curious and want to learn more about what makes me tick so the process works well.

The "problem" becomes when I start "thinking" about the process. When and if any of my male past slips through to my personality, so what?  He has been part of me for so long.  The transgender mix which defines me makes me what I am.

The incredible process I'm going through now, of course is tipping my gender scales more to the feminine side.  I should worry less and less about who I was but ironically now HRT has made worrying about less a bigger force in my life so worrying needlessly about problems such as this comes with the territory?

On a lighter side, Wendy commented about buying a bra as a guy and the register person calling for a "Wonder Bra" price check!  The ultimate in making an embarrassing situation worse!  Another little hint I learned yesterday was a bra made by the same company doesn't necessarily means it will fit the same!

Thanks ladies for the comments!

Life Turns on a Dime -Part Eight

I thought seriously about calling this post "The Slippery Slope." The time period covered is approximately 2007-2010 and is the time right after my wife passed away. Before we go any further, it is fair to note she somewhat supported my cross dressing desires but was dead set against any HRT or transgender moves.

Throughout my life I didn't have many male close friends and the three I did have about this time all passed away during the same time period. Plus I was coming ever closer to losing my business during the recession. So, I was left looking at a bleak social period in my life. To combat the abject loneliness I stepped up my visits to a couple of upscale sports bar/venues I was fast becoming a regular in.

During one of my visits, my regular bartender suggested I ought to meet her lesbian mother which turned out to be a friendship I have to this day. Then, on another night, another woman slid a note down the bar expressing her respect for me being me. I of course thanked her and another long term friendship was born.

Also during this time, I started to try several on line dating sites. Of which, most were dismal failures except the one I met Liz on around 2010-11. So slowly I was starting to rebuild my other life as a woman from the ashes of who I was. None of these people had ever seen or known me as a guy.

The slippery slope came as the three of them began to invite me to all their fun spots as the new me. Even a NFL Monday Night Football game! Finally I figured I had slid so far, these people had pushed me right off my gender cliff. Where is always where I wanted to go anyhow. I just didn't have the courage to do it.

Looking back now, the years were a whirlwind of learning. From learning the basics of using the women's room to dealing with men, almost all was new and exciting. There was one man in particular who treated me with respect and dignity (I enjoyed) among the rest who stood me up or expected me to dress them up. And then there was the experiences of going to lesbian mixers and being accepted (for the most part.) I went from being a "wing person" for one of my friends to being subjected to a giant/mean gender slur by a lesbian at another.

Undoubtedly, the most important part of falling off the cliff was the soft landing. Some of the padding was provided by my friends and other by my tough skin and willingness to learn. That is why I get so amused at those who think this transgender MtF transition process is so much fun or a walk in the park.

Coming up next, the doors open wide.

Thanks "Nat Geo"!

And thanks to all of you who have pointed out it's issue on gender which features a nine year old transgender girl on the cover.

The magazine has come along way and we need it as a respected counter balance to Brucelynn Jenner among others.

I think those of us of a "more mature" age still don't understand all the positive ramifications of a younger generation who see less gender in their world!

Regardless of what happens in the years ahead in Washington, some basics will never change such as when I went to Liz's company party the other night. Following the normal looks I get, everyone settled down and I had a great time and even met the wife of a fellow fledgling transgender person who is trying to find her way.

My only problems came when I was on the road all day and forgot to pack my backup makeup in my purse. I thought I could have presented better but then I always think that.

I would also like to thank Stana from Femulate who was kind enough to plug my book today. Stilettos on Thin Ice made it up to the top 6% of non fiction books on Amazon last week. And yes, book number two is still in the works.

Life Turns on a Dime - Part Seven

Time moved on and I found myself in the mid 1990's beginning one of the most difficult decades of my life for several different reasons.

To make many long stories short, during this time I was taking every possible opportunity to live my life as close to a woman as I could. Plus during this decade I was going to purge a year or so before my wife passed away. I grew a beard and ballooned to 275 pounds. Also, my Dad and three of my dearest friends were going to pass away and I was going to lose almost everything I worked so hard for during the recession.

Since I have jumped so far ahead, now let me back tract to a couple key events I have written about here in the blog during the past which gave me the courage to move on in the feminine world.

Since I became relatively secure in my abilities to negotiate the world in certain "safe" spots such as clothing and book stores, I felt it was time to spend an evening as close to being a woman as I could. Could I go stealth?

I chose an upscale restaurant bar for my trial because running a similar operation was what I did for a living. I knew once I made it past the hostesses, I would have a fairly easy trip to the bar where a group of professional women gathered after work for a drink most nights. I hoped if I dressed the part I could fit right in...sort of. That is if I could breathe because I was sooooo scared.

The five minutes or so I spent in the parking lot gathering my confidence seemed like five hours before I pulled up my big girl panties and went in. As suspected the hostess gave me the once over and asked if I needed a table and I said no "I was only there for a cocktail" and she directed me to the bar which had a couple big wooden posts on each end. Fortunately, there was a seat open near one, so I could do my "wood" impression blended in,  swept back my long blonde hair and ordered a drink. If indeed the bartender knew anything was amiss I don't know to this day but I was served, ordered another, tipped well and left. As I finally began to breathe again, I knew the night was something I wanted to do again and again.

The evening emboldened me to try to go to other similar places. Some of which I was successful and others not so much, mainly because of having to use the women's restroom. Along the way, I got kicked out of one place, had the cops called on me twice and got screamed at once. Through it all though I knew I had to keep on trying.

The biggest lesson I learned was I needed to adopt one similar style and stick with it. Or, quit being a blonde one night, redhead a couple nights later and a curly brunette a couple nights after that. In essence I was building an exterior image to fit my evolving interior.

Unfortunately, my extra curricular activities brought me more and more into possible contact with my wife.  One night after she caught me out again, we had yet another giant fight which led to me taking a whole bottle of one of my meds which luckily didn't kill me. I knew then the only way to stop the lying and sneaking around (which I considered cheating) was to grow a beard.

I'm proud at least I did because a year and half later she would be gone. Passing away from an unexpected heart attack after 25 years of marriage.

Coming up in the next series of "Dime" posts...what's next...or getting pushed down the slope.

Transgender Veterans

Thanks to Michelle Hart (no relation) for sending along a couple of VA LGBT related links and to Lynn for checking in via the Email route! As it turns out, Lynn and I share treatment close by and she actually hails from somewhat close to Shelle's neck of the woods. ( and both are trans vets.)

Here is the first link  and the second.

Thanks to all three of you for your service!

UpDateable

An estimated 0.7 percent of youth ages 13 to 17, or 150,000 youth, identify as transgender in the United States, according to a new study released by The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law. This study is the first to provide population estimates for youth who identify as transgender in each of the 50 states, plus the District of Columbia.
"

By now you have probably heard outgoing President OBama commuted the sentence of transgender veteran Chelsea Manning  allowing the convicted Army leaker to go free nearly three decades early as part of a sweeping move to offer clemency in the final days of his administration.




And a couple comments from our on going "Dime" posts:
Connie... the last post takes us into the mid to late 1990's!

And Pat:

"I think that if I have read you correctly it was a long slow process over the years that led to your epiphany that you are transgender. I would surmise that if you are transgender then getting out and about while dressed for shopping, restaurants, etc. was not a slippery slope but an affirmation of your core essence. 

Is the slippery slope analogy related to the concept of sneaking out on you wife to seek your feminine affirmation. If so that is a difficult issue. A real strong part of you (us) wants and needs to get out and about presenting in the female gender. At the same time we know that our wives may not like that idea. They may resist all gender issues or they may simply fear that people will find out and that there will be the issues that go with that. In any event I know that my wife fears disclosure and she fears, rationally or otherwise, all the bad things that can happen if I were out in a dress. This presents a bit of a hard choice. We need to go out but our going out upsets the person we love. Is the compromise to simply not tell her we are going out while dressed? Is this your slippery slope?"

Yes Pat, perhaps to put it more succinctly, deep down inside I knew I was transgender. The "slippery slope" reference came as I kept making excuses not to follow my heart until I was pushed into it by others as you will read in an upcoming post. 

My wife was a critical part of all of this of course, until she passed away.

And finally again from Connie:

"OOOOO...Hot in Cleveland! Did you ever apply to be a member of the Vanity Club sorority? They consider themselves to be "A" listers, I'm sure, but the fact that they do is enough to keep me far away from them (I was urged relentlessly by one of them to submit my photo(s) and profile).

 I never found posting a ton of pics to be validating, nor did I find "making the scene" with a gaggle of cross dressers validating. I'll always be grateful that they were there to get me jump-started, but the quick lesson I got was that I was not like them. I think we sometimes need to experience things just to find what we ARE NOT in our journeys to find who we are."

No. I was never a member (or applied to the Vanity Club. As you said I was busy experiencing things on my path to transgender self discovery!

Life Turns on a Dime - Part Six

Very simply, German Village is an upscale restored historical neighborhood just South of downtown Columbus, Ohio. One of the "A" listers I mentioned in a previous post bought a burnt out old brick there and restored it to a beautiful home. Before I go any further, the owner was not a "trans-nazi" so my wife and I were invited to small parties there. I will refer to the owner as "she" because she went on to have SRS.

The parties were fascinating. Anyone from cross dressers not in drag to the most down to earth transgender women in the world were there. Sometimes in tow with an admirer or even a lesbian. I learned tons in a short period of time. Often I learned all the hormones or operations in the world couldn't "make" a reasonable facsimile of a cis woman.

I also learned how a woman can be physically trapped by a larger man when a very big admirer cornered and trapped me in a narrow hallway- until I could be rescued by my wife.

At the same time, I was getting out and about more in Columbus shopping during the day. Fashions during the day included lite jackets, short skirts and opaque hose, perfect items from my wardrobe.

You may ask, where was my wife during all of this? When she was working, I was going out and hiding the fact I did and hoping to get all the makeup off my face. Again and again I was not happy about the lying and hiding behind my skirts and wigs but the more I learned about a feminine life, the more I loved it.

Along the way too, I was learning much more than ever before because I found people wanted to talk to me and took it I was a bitch if I didn't respond. Especially in restaurants where I began to stop and eat.

So before I knew it, a feminine part of me was emerging I wasn't sure I even had and I knew I was on a real slippery slope. However, the ripping and tearing of trying to live two lives was a terrible experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. My drinking continued and nothing seemed to work as I continued to ignore the obvious. I was transgender.

Life Turns on a Dime Part Five

 For me these were the days shortly after Virginia Prince and her Transvestia publication burst upon the scene. I was still amazed others in the world felt the same way I did. So, I ordered several issues of Transvestia and discovered a group of hetero sexual transvestites who held mixers through out the country. The closest to me was a very drive able Cleveland, Ohio so I paid my dues and headed to my first of several mixers.  

From those mixers I learned several important lessons including a much closer chapter forming in much closer Columbus, Ohio. 

Other lessons learned were some there were hetero questioning or as I called them "admirers in drag" cross dressers, and even a few who were on their way to perhaps a stealth (SRS) transsexual full time existence as a woman.

What Virginia never wrote about though was the difference internally was between a male who could pass as a female and one who had a feminine soul. So I know Virginia and others considered her a transgender pioneer but I am one of those who is not so sure.

I also discovered a very distinct social system as distinct as the one high school girls had. Very quickly I called them the "A" listers  because of their "mean girl" style social clique. You definitely had to look a certain way to be invited into the group. Which of course I didn't. However, these also were the ones who left the motel/hotel to go party elsewhere later in the evening. Later on I would attach the "trans-nazi" label to them but still tagged along-invited or not.

Other notable exceptions to the norm were the guys in their fancy dresses and smoking cigars as if to not let too much of their male self go.

Two dimes were dropped on me during these mixers in Cleveland. One, was an invite to join the group in Columbus and the other thanks to a free makeover at a mixer.

I pulled up my big girl panties and let a makeup artist take all my war paint off and start over. The results were startling. I was even invited to go along with the "A" listers without having to invite myself. Most importantly though as the night was beginning to wind down (right in front of all of them, a guy who seemed real nice invited me to stay over for a drink. I often wondered what would have happened had I said yes?

As promised though, I discovered an even smaller incredibly diverse group to learn from in Columbus as time marched ever forward.

Coming up next, German Village.