I'm no Angel

Look I'm old and human.  Recently it occurred to me I have been guilty of passing along most all of the good times of my transition years and none of the bad ones. I have decided for a moment to change all that. It is time to look back at a few of the times I flat out lied or operated on the "down low" to get out the door as a cross dresser and into the world. Well, actually more than a "few" times, I did it for years and I'm not proud of how I did it.

As cross dressers go back then or now I had it good. My wife was super agreeable to me living one day a week as a woman and it was fine with her for me to get a hotel room and cross dress then hit the world as a woman. Every couple of months or so we would even go out as two women. Well of course I felt if one day was good, wouldn't three be better? The more I tasted of life as a woman, the more I wanted and just didn't have the courage to do the right thing and tell her. I wanted her badly as my wife but not bad enough not to cheat on her with myself. The lines were drawn in the sand. She would accept me as a cross dresser but we would part as friends if I wanted to go farther.

Cheating was tough but far from impossible I found. For many years before her death, my wife worked as a retail store manager. A couple nights a week she closed the store, which meant she wouldn't be home until around midnight.  If by chance I wasn't working a night on the same day, I was planning immediately how I was going to get out of the house, past the neighbors and spend the evening as a woman.  In order to do it I had to make up a story about where I was, what I was doing and have all traces of makeup off my face by the time she got home. All of the sudden, my one day a week out as a woman became three.  I was quickly learning the ropes but paying a very high internal price.

It was excruciatingly tough.  I hate people who I can't trust for whatever reason and here I was at the top of my own list.

I can go on and on about the less than stellar "adventures" I had but this one is as good a place as any to start with.  In the mid 1980's I was opening a chain of restaurants along the Ohio River and ended up living in the Marietta/Parkersburg West Virginia area for awhile.  On my days off when she was working I began to get dressed up and doing the grocery shopping etc. My wife would see the groceries but had no idea of how I was dressed when I bought them.

This was working well and I was even doing a fair job of negotiating society as a woman until, by pure accident one day I ended up walking right by her boss in a parking lot. The problem was he was very familiar with me as a guy.  He didn't flinch a bit and showed no recognition so I thought I dodged a bullet. All was good until about a week later my wife mentioned him talking about this "big redhead" he saw recently in a parking lot.  She knew of course I had a red wig and there was some sort of possibility if he said "a big red headed cross dresser",  the dots would be easy to connect. On that occasion, I was able to talk my way out of it until about a month later.  She got off early one day and we passed each other on the highway heading to our house.

From that point on, she had no problem knowing who the "big redhead" was driving that day and I was in for a week of deserved hell. Yet again I had to decide between a relationship I cherished and my woman within. The proverbial "rock and the hard place." The decision this time involved an agreement to go to counseling. The therapist did a good job.  Bottom line was my "girl" wasn't going away but unless I could control her effect on the marriage, my wife would. I didn't have to hide her away in a closet but then again I couldn't let her have her own way.

I can make excuses and say I wasn't totally sure of what I thought my gender solution should be but I had a pretty good idea and was afraid to face it. I didn't have the courage to follow what I knew was true all the time. I was more female than I dared admit to myself.

This was one of the times of my life when my persistence overcame any common sense I was rumored to have.  I pushed on and achieved success in my work and for the most part concealed who I really was. Calling it torture would be a bit much but severe internal turmoil and tearing would be very accurate. Looking back, I'm sure all the self destructive actions I took were just a way to sink myself and end the madness.

Of course I know I can't go back and reverse any of my lies and sneaking. The only thing I can do is write about them. One of the reasons I am is I'm fairly sure some people think I have led this "charmed" life as a pre transgender cross dresser. Or, for some reason I don't understand those of you who are stuck in the closet.

Obviously, I have been there and did the closet thing.  It's true, once I started to open the door,  the good did out do the bad. To not mention the bad all though would be as wrong as doing it in the first place.

Replacing a lie with silence doesn't make it right.

Cyrsti's Condo Featured Trans Woman of the Day

There is no way I could simply call Veronique Renard our Cyrsti's Condo Cover Girl of the day.  She is so much more!

Read on! (From Wikipedia)

"Véronique Françoise Caroline Renard (born 26 May 1965 in Jutphaas, the Netherlands) is a Dutch author and visual artist. She is also known as Pantau, a name that was adopted after meeting the Dalai Lama at an audience at his home in McLeodganj, Dharamsala, India in 2000.


In 1982, at the age of 17, Renard transitioned to being a trans woman with the support of her family, friends and people in her hometown. Renard's mother renamed her Véronique. In 1983, Renard was granted permission by a court in Utrecht to change her legal name, she added her second name Françoise (after her best friend), and third name Caroline (after Caroline Cossey, a British model who appeared in the 1981 James Bond-film For Your Eyes Only with Roger Moore).

Initially unaware of the phenomenon of transsexualism and gender reassignment surgery (GRS), Renard conveyed in her 2007 memoir that the international media attention around Cossey in 1982 regarding her transition helped Renard to self-diagnose her own gender dysphoria. The day after reading about Cossey in a Dutch tabloid, Renard consulted her doctor and shortly after, the Amsterdam Gender Team. Renard was diagnosed with Klinefelter's syndrome, having 47 chromosones (XXY). Females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY. Renard started hormone replacement therapy soon after. She completed her physical transition 18 months later in 1984."

As a side note, for some reason the picture of Veronique in the bikini took me back to yet another Cleveland, Ohio Tri-Ess meeting I attended so many years ago.  One of the main "gossips" of the evening centered around a member who wasn't there who was reported to be so accomplished that she could wear a bikini to the beach with no problems. She was also "rumored" to have been on the verge of "going all the way" and transitioning into a full time woman. But the story went on she had found the love of her life, an understanding genetic woman and now she had put her decision on hold. Plus there was another very accomplished and attractive "participant" at the meetings who for all intents and purposes put the rest of us to shame in the looks department. The last time I saw her at a meeting, she too was telling everyone she had met a genetic woman and was "hanging up the dresses."

I have always wondered what happened to the two of them. Were they actually able to "pull back" from the transition brink and lead lives as guys?  More than likely I will never know but I have theories.  I believe whatever gender switch is thrown in our noggins can never be turned completely off.  Of course how far the switch is thrown, say from cross dresser to transsexual sex change does vary. But in one way or another the "urge" is always there.

Speaking Of "Tri-Ess"

If you are a bit younger, check this vintage (circa 1989) Phil Donahue video with Tri Ess cross dressers on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen, JoAnn went on to be an influential member of the transgender community and was a founding partner of the Transgender Forum.  She passed away in June of 2013 but "TG Forum" is still going strong.

This video does give an idea of how far we have come thanks to people like these who were brave enough to step out of their closets and educate the world.

Rocking the Denim Style!

I have told the story many times around here in Cyrsti's Condo of when I was taken to task years ago for wearing slacks and/or jeans to my early Tri-Ess meetings.  Why would I wear pants when I could wear them the rest of my life?

The fact of the matter was, I liked what I wore and was still too new into my style process to understand totally why. These days I've come to a "Boho-Tomboy old Hippie" style to describe me. I know it sounds kind of a loose "tossed together" style but actually I know exactly what I want to wear.

Of course denim fits in exactly and I do I have two or three pairs of favorite jeans plus a pair of denim leggings. Recently I found an example to pass along to you from "Just Fab" called "Real Women Denim."  Of course as with any other fashion style I see, my primary concern is if I can adapt it to my body style.

Here's an example.  My denim leggings are very close to the style on the right. I'm fortunate enough that HRT is just beginning to give me a basic feminine shape in my hip/butt area.  I wear the leggings with a long sweater which drapes over my hips and a pair of slouch boots. Similar to the ones shown to the left..

My goal is to minimize my large upper torso and bring more attention to my hips and thighs which I consider is a plus for me. I have also seen quite a few women do the same look with a long blouse rather than a sweater. I also love to add a bright color fuzzy scarf for fun.

The look also works for me in other ways too.  First it's a comfortable style which can be sort of dressed up or down slightly. Plus,  since I'm increasingly seeing the same peeps on a routine basis I can't be wearing the same thing continually but want to stay within my style parameters. Different sweaters, skinny jeans and a couple other pairs of leggings and I have increased my wardrobe dramatically without killing my budget.

Such is life for a transgender gal trying to make up for years of lost time!

Finally!

I think I finally replied to all the comments on the posts involved.

I thank you all so much!

Also thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo.

I'm humbled and flattered! You all are the best!

Cyrsti

Dragging Out the Trans Girl?

Some time ago here in Cyrsti's Condo I wrote about a surprising, semi enlightening experience when I did drag one night at a gay venue.

I look back at the experience and compare it with what genetic women experience on Halloween.  The bewitching parties allow women to sex it up in costumes they don't see as proper any other time. I felt the same way when I was in drag with the big hair, the slit skirt way up my thigh and the low cut top. Needless to say, you wouldn't catch me dressed like that in the real world today!

My problem is I have fought long and hard not to be labeled as a drag queen, so I don't want to ruin my "transgender citizenship" in one evening.  On the positive side, I have mentioned many times I don't frequent gay venues often and I'm not a regular in any of them. So it's not like the next time I came not in drag, I would still be labeled as a queen there forever. I wouldn't have to worry that someone would spot me and say Cyrsti isn't transgender at all.

Since we are all friends here in the Condo, I will let you in on a little secret. One of my fondest dreams is getting busted in drag for taking unfair advantage of the queens since I have been on HRT. (Kind of like getting kicked off "Rude Paul's" Drag Race.)  Wouldn't that be neat and totally unreachable but I said it was a dream!  Hey! No one ever accused me of not having an imagination!

The main problem is if you want to run with the queens, they have a huge attention to detail and know if you aren't wearing four pairs of hose to cover leg hair and/or some of your developing curves are real. Or you don't have any arm hair and your nails are yours. They know you are not going home and take off the makeup and be a guy again. But again, I think it's a fabulous way to break the monotony of life and go play in a situation many of us grew up in.

After all, there is no pressure.  we all know the best looking women in a gay venue aren't women at all. Sometimes getting all dressed up in your best drag is a great way to compare yourself with the best and have some fun doing it!

Cyrsti's Condo Cover Girl!

Today's featured Cover Girl is Pavel Arambula:

Act Like you have Been There.

Transition 101 basic:  "Act like you've been there."

Easier said than done when you are trying to negotiate the world as a transgender woman or man, or a cross dresser exploring life out of the closet.

If someone refuses to admit how terrified they were in the public eye, "me thinks" they may be fibbing.

I was so scared along the way, I thought I was going to have to carry an oxygen tank as a fashion accessory for use if I fainted from fear.

One of the key transition terms I blocked from my thoughts early in the process was the idea, "I was trying to fool anyone.  I was dressed as a woman therefore I was.  I also was helped when I  made the conscious decision to know being accepted as a transgender woman was good enough and maybe as far as I would ever get.

Of course there were more than a few hurdles to navigate.  The first was the appearance factor I already mentioned. The second was knowing human beings are predators and would pick up any "blood in the water". I would be noticed  more if I gave the impression I was doing anything wrong. Even when I was whispered about and even laughed at, I somehow, someway  learned to take a deep breath and move on.

It just takes awhile for those of us who have lived in our birth genders for any length of time to accomplish one of the most difficult of all human tasks - transitioning into our chosen gender. One of the most amusing comments I read is "I won't go out in public as a woman until I am very attractive." I quickly think they never will get out of the closet.

Most of you Cyrsti's Condo regular visitors know the rest of the story.  I "acted" like I had been in society as a trans woman until I owned doing it. To this day though,  I still have the old fears of ghosts from cross dressing past coming back to haunt me. They are a tough crowd!

Finally, unless you are one of the many people who are much smarter than me, the only way I know to transition your gender in the world is to do it. When you do, you won't have to act like you've been there. You have!

Cyrsti's Condo's Feature Photo of the Day

Fernanda Brown:   (before and after)  

 And below which speaks for itself!