"Trans Victim" Revisit

I am fortunate to have received quite a bit of intelligent feedback on the "Victim" post here in Cyrsti's Condo and from outside friends. The post actually came from Helen Boyd's "En Gender" blog.

 The first comes from Paula Gee: " It's simply not fair, especially if we were misguided enough not to tell our wives about our selves before marriage. Yes any form a trans activity is selfish, and we have to understand that and deal with it."

The second from Reasonablynoble:

"As much as I've always included my spouse in my transition, it is an inherently narcissistic process. We spend so much time not focusing on ourselves that by the time we do this, we are wholly fascinated by our selves. It's hard to avoid navel gazing. At the same time, there are other people in my life and I have always been mindful about how my healing has both been a positive and negative for them. This is a healing process and it can, ultimately, make things better for everyone around us."

I'm agreeing with both and using my past and current relationships as a guideline. For whatever reason, misguided or not I told my second wife of 25 years I was a transvestite or cross dresser before we were married. So I didn't tell the truth.  As I think about it, if you put me under oath I would swear to the fact I knew there was probably something deeper going on with my gender identification but I was prepared to do my best to not follow it.

On the other hand, my current female lover is sure total love transcends gender and I'm fairly certain holds my deceased wife's views against her in someways. But it's not that easy and as wonderful as she is, I remind her she "caught up" with me after a ton of life experience and she is lucky. I knew who I was when we met.  Because as both of the ladies above mentioned, the cross dressing  through identifying as transgender or transsexual is, a hugely selfish process. Certainly,  for obvious reasons, we are fascinated by ourselves. I was no different.

The negative as Reasonably said "We spend so much time not focusing on ourselves that by the time we do this, we are wholly fascinated by our selves."  So,  if we can't or don't share ourselves with others- we are only a reflection in the mirror and doomed to a damned lonely existence. As you can see on Flickr or any number of other picture sites so many of us never get out of the mirror or the camera. Those who finally make it into the "real" world are naturally stunted. Not unlike the boy who was raised by wolves. My "anti mirror" friend examples are Drake and Stana who positively light up the room with their chance to live as their real gender.

In recent years as I jumped from my mirror into the world, I acquired a pedestal. You may have read me refer to it here. Sure, experiences such as developing a circle of friends, HRT  and the such are fantastic. BUT none of it makes me any better-or worse in the trans community.  I certainly have to constantly reevaluate where my life is, where I would love it to go and how precarious my "pedestal" really is. It's STILL  just as easy for me to be a victim as the frustrated cross dresser in the closet or the bitter transsexual who discovers SRS wasn't what she really wanted.

Of course I'm not smart enough to come up with an answer. I have been fortunate to have known all sort of peeps who revolve in and out of our culture from a long time friend who will go to any extent to rationalize purging his cross dressing "habit" 25 years ago because of wife and money to unhappy transsexuals to everyone in between.

Every once in a while though someone like Helen Boyd and Betty are able to put a little more perspective to the issue.

I am smart enough to know surgery is the end result to a successful gender transition not the beginning.

Well, this post has gone on so long I should be passing out cookies and milk to all of you here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Maybe I should consider a post called "The Transsexual as a Victim" when I really want to get ganged up on!!!!

Transgender Spouses in the Military

Seemingly, when it rains it pours with posts concerning transgender veterans and their interaction when serving on active duty and after they are discharged.

You regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo know I am a transgender Viet Nam era veteran of the U.S Army, so of course I have a very active interest in all the happenings.

Another very active source for news is Out Serve Magazine and in particular Brynn Tannehill who writes:

"In the past few months, same sex military partners have been part of the collective American conversation. When the Fort Bragg Spouse’s Club resorted to naked discrimination and active condescension to keep Ashley Broadway out, it was splashed all over the news. When Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta extended as many benefits as possible to married same sex partners under the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the LGB community celebrated. When the Supreme Court heard oral arguments on the constitutionality of Article III of DOMA, the plight of same sex military couples was front and center in the reasons for striking the law down. However, as all this was going on, I realized that another situation has gone unmentioned. What happens when the spouse of a military person is transgender? Some might argue that this is a very rare situation, and doesn’t need attention. However, my recent interactions with a number of transgender people associated with the military say that this situation is far more common than people realize.

A few weeks ago a trans woman in the Dayton area sent me a message asking me if I remembered a female colonel I worked for while I was still on active duty. I did, and replied that I liked her because she generally had a good read on who everyone in the command was and what they were doing. What she wrote next blew my mind. “She came out as a lesbian after she retired in 2008. We’re married now.” A little further digging revealed that they had met and gotten married after the trans woman had transitioned. However, because of military regulations and DOMA, the trans woman did not have base access, Tricare, or any of the other benefits the spouse of a retired colonel would normally have. In short, the military regards them as a same sex couple. But my marriage is regarded as a heterosexual one because I transitioned after we were married, even though in both cases we are trans women married to another woman.

At about the same time, I also spoke with a trans man in the military. He talked about the difficulties he and his boyfriend, a civilian trans man who lives in Washington DC, expect if they get married. Another situation that came up in discussion recently was a trans woman (MTF) I know who is closeted, but on active duty. She is married to a trans man (FTM) who is just starting transition. When the trans man civilian spouse went to medical to start hormone therapy, they refused to treat him unless his spouse came in and verified that she knew what was happening and approved.

Given all of these situations, figuring out which marriages the government will regard as gay or straight is a mind boggling exercise in one of the grayest areas of law. In the case of the retired colonel, the marriage is gay, but only because the trans woman transitioned before the marriage and wasn’t born in Idaho, Ohio, Tennessee, or Texas (where birth certificate gender changes are not legally allowed). However, the two trans men may or may not be a gay marriage, depending if the one in DC changed his SSN gender marker before or after they got married. The trans woman in the military married to a trans man is a heterosexual couple, but the trans man can’t change his gender in DEERS because of DOMA."

In addition, I live close to the Dayton, Ohio area mentioned above.

At the least- as Brynn wrote- this whole situation deals in the deepest shade of gender gray there is and this just scratches the surface. To read more go here.

Transgender Vet News

From the ThinkProgress site:

"Despite the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the military still does not allow people who are transgender to serve.

Still, many people only transition after they’ve completed their service, creating complications for their continued receipt of benefits. Now, the Pentagon has recognized its first gender change for a military veteran and established a process — albeit a bit burdensome one — for future trans vets to do the same. Blogger and activist Autumn Sandeen was informed earlier this month that the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System (DEERS) has been updated to show her gender as female. Department of Defense spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Nathan Christensen provided the following statement to BuzzFeed: For the last several years, the Department has made requested changes to gender in the Defense Eligibility Enrollment Reporting System (DEERS) for military retirees.

Autumn Sandeen

A gender change in DEERS may be accomplished by the retiree presenting the following documents: - A letter from the doctor who performed the surgery, documenting completion of a gender reassignment surgery - A court order, legally changing the gender in accordance with applicable state law - An original birth certificate - A document, reflecting the sponsor’s name and if applicable, gender following completion of the gender reassignment procedure for a spouse The Department will not change a gender in DEERS if it results in a loss of benefits to the spouse of the retired member due to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). The last point is noteworthy, in that the military is committed to making sure retirees receive spousal benefits without conflicting with the limitations of DOMA."

Of course there is much more to this process of interest to all of us transgender veterans.here to read more.
Go

Coffee with Stana

Thursday afternoon I did get to meet with Stana who writes the Femulate blog for a cup of coffee!
This was remarkable for several different reasons.

The first of course was geography. She lives nearly twelve hours away by car and airline connections are so loose between our two cities, it's quicker for her to drive than fly.
The second of which is the extreme rarity of meeting another transgender women who actually shares a number of life experiences with me.
The third is she is a blogging superstar. Her "Femulate" just went over some seven and a half million hits...Okay, I told you I was a 'groupie"!

Impressions? She is gorgeous! But more importantly though she seemed to be a genuinely nice person who radiates woman. You can jump over to her blog here to check out what she was wearing when we had coffee. With all those legs of hers, there was a poor guy trying to check in who couldn't seem to concentrate on staying in line.

But enough of all of that. Sharing a "cup o joe" with her was a true pleasure!

Victim is Spelled Many Ways

The En Gender Blog written by "My Wife Betty" author Helen Boyd comes up with quite a few "Damn I wish I had written that" thoughts. Here's one:

"I wrote this recently in response to a question, or an assertion, that nobody chooses to be born trans, but that often, the advice is that you can choose what to do about it. My wife says that a lot, and it makes some trans people unhappy.

 The way she puts it: you got a shit hand, but you still get to decide how to play it. Whether or not transition itself is a choice is an idea I will leave for another day. But here, in a nutshell, are some basic tenets I hope are useful. does it matter why? i don’t know what trans is – genetic, medical condition, etc. no one makes any distinction between nature/nurture anymore. nature is what? DNA? as in, something made out of protein that is created within a physical environment which is impacted by all our culture. just forget it. that binary is over, done with.

 Are people trans? yes. do they need to transition? yes. should they own their shit & do so as responsibly as possible? yes. should cis people start to fucking understand transness is not going anywhere, that it IS, in the same way that, say, queerness IS? yes.

 If you got married & you’re trans & you’re going to transition you’re going to wreck your wife’s life, pretty much. own it. minimize the damage however you can. your life was already wrecked by transphobia and represssion and who knows what else. your transition will give you the chance to change in a way that you’re looking forward to. your wife may, in turn, change her life into something she wants, too, but in either case, you will both experience a great deal of loss. none of it is fair, not a damn thing about it, & not for anyone. but stop, STOP, making it all about you.

 If there is anything i say to trans people all the time that none of you listen to – & that includes my lovely spouse – that is it. as she likes to say: trans people make Narcissus weep."

Enough said!

She Will Say It All!

I've followed this young transgender woman on YouTube for awhile and have been entertained with many of her videos which are a bit "out there" but all in all very entertaining.
The one I'm passing along on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen is when she slows down a bit and explains who she is.  I find soooo many YouTube peeps who have no idea of how they identify or want to hide it it.
Enjoy one who doesn't:

A look at my Other Half

I live in Ohio. Middle America USA. Sure it has it's drawbacks and it's strengths.  I'm over 60 and causcasian and transgender.  Many love to hate on me because I supposedly lived male privilege to the max and now I'm trying to change.

Regardless of all of that I do not know how young transgender women of color live. The women whose names all too often show up in the news as the victims of extreme violence. The closest I have come in person was a young trans girl I met in person who was originally from Detroit, migrated to the west coast and in her own words spent some "fun" nights in Los Angeles's "tranny jail". Toss a heroin addiction on top of all of that and here she was standing in front of me...proud as hell. Wow! I was impressed and told her so but then again words are cheap.

Recently Out News & Opinion presented a fantastic look at how my other half lives in an area I know A little about since I lived in the NYC area several years ago:

"Transgender immigrants flock to Jackson Heights in pursuit of a dream. Prostitution, drugs, and violence trap the unwary. Chadwick Moore spent three months with the girls to find out why they still come. Photography by Kevin Amato Arena’s been at it for three years. It’s nearly midnight on a frigid Thursday in January. She looks like someone’s daughter awaiting a ride to the mall, sitting perpendicularly on her twin-size bed with her back against the wall and her size 11 feet dangling over the edge. Her pink sheets are patterned with Betty Boop lip prints. In about four hours Arena will hit the streets, which she hates doing. It’s dangerous and lowly, but no clients have called today. Arena is Spanish for “sand.” Tonight she’s nostalgic. “I was in Indiana when I began the transition with hormones,” she says. The change occurred quickly and caught her off-guard. One afternoon she passed a mirror and became tearful. “I thought, Oh my god, I look just like my mother.” It was the happiest moment of her life. Arena’s V-neck shirt betrays a rash spreading over her torso -- large, red abscesses that look concerning -- but she likes this shirt because it buoys her modest cleavage. And this cleavage is what brought Arena to Queens and funneled her into the sex trade. Once she makes enough money for breast implants, she’s out of here. She’s not built for city life -- she downright hates it. It’s apparent in her hypnotic gentleness. She moves like a shy teenage girl adjusting to a sudden growth spurt. Her face is soft and round, her gaze thoughtful and submissive, and small patches of acne kiss each cheek. Her eyes periodically meet mine, and I wonder how much of her coquettish innocence is calculated."

This is a long post with many pictures and you can visit it here.

Million Dollar Candis Cayne

"Bravo" Television has a show called Million Dollar Listing".
I'm always interested in the show because the basis is a group of very high end real estate sales brokers selling property in New York and Los Angeles I could only dream of ever buying.

Today's show got my attention though when one of the prospective buyers was none other than the beautiful transgender actress Candis Cayne".

Candis if possible is even more beautiful in this show.
Go here for more pix! Many of the shows are rebroadcast on satellite television so you may be able to see her episode relatively easily.

Follow the Bouncing Hormones

I hate being in the "I think" mode as far as my HRT meds go.
As I passed along to you recently, I was making my medication transition again between my endocrinologist and the Veteran's Administration.
As far as I can tell by talking to my VA nurse is the new prescriptions have been filled and are in the system.

That should be all good....but....in the system means another possible ten days before the new estrogen and spiro can get to me. Plus I will have to wait until the meds get here until I can tell for sure if the new dosages are correct.

I'm having a problem with the old prescriptions cancelling out until the new ones will start.
While this process sorts itself out, I'm carefully monitoring my dwindling supplies of both meds. On the good side,  I seem to have a couple nurses in both offices on my side I can communicate with. So "I think" all is okay.

In the meantime the spiking up or down of my hormones has not made me a happy camper the last couple of days. I even had a fairly decent hot flash yesterday which is tied into hormonal imbalance.

Am I sending myself through a HRT menopause?