Trans Girl at the Symphony

 

Cincinnati Music Hall

I really don't know why but this experience usually slips my mind. Even though, it is one of the most dramatic experiences I have ever had. 

All of this happened several years ago when I was still attempting to navigate the world as my authentic self for first time. Also, my future wife Liz felt the time was right for me to accompany her to the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra Christmas concert. The whole idea petrified me, but I could not say no and I set about preparing for what I could wear to a semi formal event. My first.

Fortunately, thrift shopping came to my rescue as I found a very sparkling gown to wear in black. As I prepared by shaving, applying makeup and doing my hair, my nervousness subsided a little as we waited for the Uber, we called to take us downtown to the concert hall. 

When we arrived, my nerves returned as we were stuck in a crowd of people waiting to go to their seats. The only thing which saved me was, no one seemed to be paying me much attention. When I sensed no one cared about me, I began to calm down. As far as the musical performance went, I admit I had never been much a fan of classical music, but I did the best I could to enjoy it, and I did. Once I calmed down. Ironically, I was very calm until the lights came up and intermission began. People were moving around which put me in danger of being discovered as a transgender woman. I was not, and the concert resumed. 

Before I knew it, the experience was over, and I could breathe again until we stopped at a venue along the Ohio River for a drink or two to celebrate the holidays and our relationship together. Once again, my nervousness increased until we settled in at the new venue. Again, we were treated very well. I even used the women's room with no repercussions which was becoming a necessity.

What I learned from the entire experience, I found if I did not try harder to expand my horizons as a transgender woman, I never would. Plus, there was never a better time in my life to do it. Because I was spending my time with Liz, it made the whole time so much more pleasurable.

The concert was only the beginning of me building my confidence in my transgender womanhood. Liz wanted to travel, so I learned to travel and again learn new horizons of fitting in with strangers as a woman. I viewed it as a layered trip to learn more and more about my new world. Most importantly, I learned to interact one on one with other women and basically ignore the men who were ignoring me. 

It all was an important springboard into my future desired life which I had to do in a hurry, since I had such a late start at the age of sixty. I can't stress enough, when I did start, despite my fear or nervousness, I enjoyed it immensely. The entire process, proved once again, I had made the right decision when I chose to live as my authentic self. Plus, I needed to discover for once and for all, who was my true self before I could move on with all the major decisions I needed to make.

As I said before, I had never been a real fan of classical music, but it started me down the path to a beautiful future. 

Always Running

 

Image from JJ Hart

Much of my life was immersed in running from my gender problems. 

As fast as I could, I changed jobs and even places my wife and I lived so I thought would make a difference in my life. The prime example was when I picked up and moved my small family from our native southwestern Ohio to the huge bustling New York City metro area to operate a fast-food restaurant. By doing so, I thought deep down I would be closer to a population which would be more friendly to my cross-dressing desires.  I only made it a year before the culture shock pushed me back to our native Ohio.

In the meantime, I did have several moments when I was in New York which I will always fondly remember. One of which was the night I actually got out of the house by myself without my wife and drove myself out to Long Island for a transvestite mixer I had read about. Once I was out, I had two major surprises waiting for me. The first of which was I was happy I found the venue at all. The second one happened when I tried to get in. There were two women at the door monitoring who got in or not. I was flattered when they refused to believe I was a man at all and asked for an I.D. to prove who I was under all the hair, makeup, and fashion. 

The second most memorable night was again when I managed to be out alone in the world as my authentic self. Quite unexpectedly, I was invited to a Halloween party by one of my female assistant managers. Of course, I did not to think twice before I accepted her invitation and began to plan ahead on what I could wear that my wife would approve of. Finally, I learned she would never approve anything I wanted to wear, so I set out on my own to come up with a costume I would have fun with. It turned out my short tight dress and heels matched perfectly with what the other women in our little group were wearing. Plus, the women were all tall and I really blended in well in our heels.  

As I said, the culture shock of NYC over Ohio wore me down and we ended up moving back. When I did, I immediately fell back into the whole cross-dressing culture I was in before. I was unhappy and hidden away from the world, so I found another place to move to and uproot our lives. The job I was working offered me an opportunity opening restaurants along the Ohio River in southern Ohio. A very conservative area to be sure so I needed to up my cross-dressing outings. Somehow, throughout the whole adventure I grew tired of having limited places to go and wanted another move to improve myself. 

This time, I tried to move back to the Columbus, Ohio area where I knew several very diverse friends in the LGBTQ community, specifically the transgender crowd. Following a lot of work, I finally landed the job I wanted, and we moved again.

Finally, I grew tired of all the running I was doing, and I needed to settle down and face my gender issues head on. It took me until I was sixty to realize I needed to make a change to a full-time transgender lifestyle. When I did, a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I went on to start gender affirming hormones or HRT. It was a wonderful way to live. 

Someone is Paying Attention

Image from Alena Garrett
on UnSplash. 

One thing I immediately noticed when I left my mirror and went into the world as a novice transgender woman was when I was suddenly noticed more by both primary genders, male and female.

Of course, being raised in an unwanted male world, I knew how many guys made a big deal about the appearances of the women around them. What I was not prepared for was the amount of attention I received from other women. Especially, younger ones as teen girls were especially observant. I cannot or prefer not to recount the times I was stared down by a group of teenaged girls or younger. 

My primary example was the day I was out shopping in the racks of a women's clothing store when around the corner came a small child who startled me. Obviously, I startled him also because he ran back to his mother (who was close by) and said, "Look at the BIG woman!" Initially, I was relieved because he had called me a woman. Then he continued and said, "The big MEAN woman." Naturally, I learned a big lesson. The BIG mean woman should always be prepared to be friendly, which means I needed to immediately learn to wipe that old male scowl off of my face. If that was all I needed to do to not scare little kids, it was an easy lesson to learn. 

For a while, I was intimidated by all the attention I was receiving until I began to understand where it was coming from. The more I dressed to blend in with other women, the less attention I received from men. Primarily, because I just wasn't that attractive. On the other hand, the increased attention from women came from the fact most of them were just curious what I was doing in their world or were appreciative of my efforts to look the best I could. If I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my jewelry or earrings, I would be a rich person now. 

It took me time but eventually I learned my lessons well and adjusted to the fact, my appearance as a transgender woman was a fact of life and in many ways a form of female privilege I needed to live up to. My observations made me work even harder on my feminine presentation. In other words, it was all part of my rite of passage into transgender womanhood. Plus, in many ways, I needed to work even harder to present well than the average cis-gender woman who was just getting by because she happened to be born female. Which, by the way, did not automatically allow her to be a woman. Neither gender birthrights allow them the permission to claim an automatic right to claim a title of man or woman. Which comes from socialization. 

I learned if someone was paying attention, I should make the most of it and adjust to my new surroundings. Once my confidence built to a point I could do it, I was able to project a strong feminine aura. When I did, questioning my gender became someone else's problem. Not mine.