What Now? More Steps???

Image from Henri Pham
on UnSplash

As I view my progression into a transgender lifestyle, I see it as a series of steps. In other words once I arrived at one step I needed to look around and see what was coming next. 

It all started innocently enough after I discovered I could wear certain items of my Mom's wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. After that step, I found I wanted to shave my legs, put on hose and a mini skirt I found at school and head outside to check the mail at our house. I knew I was hooked and needed to figure out what was next in my life. 

The next step was very difficult to come by as I mentioned in yesterdays post., I needed to acquire the makeup and then learn how to use it. My next step upwards did not actually come until my college days when I was able to buy a wig I loved for a girlfriend I had, then keep it when we broke up. Finally, I could complete the total makeup and hair step and I loved it. It was around that time when I became brave enough to attempt to express my feminine side at Halloween parties. Immediately I began to learn new lessons from the experience such as how I was separated from all the male friends I had when I was cross dressed as a woman. I was excluded from the club.

From that point onwards I needed to decide if I wanted to be excluded from a club I worked so hard to be a part of. It was a huge step in my life when I decided I should and would give up my male past and go forward as a transgender woman. Little did I know, when I made the decision, so many steps were to come. Such as when I began to enter the world as a woman, I needed to concentrate on so much more than just look like one. I compared the process with taking a mirror image and then putting it into motion. I needed to concentrate on femininizing my movements and then undertaking the biggest challenge of all, communicating one on one with the world. Which meant mostly women since most men had the tendency to leave me alone because their sexuality was threatened. 

My steps then came quicker and quicker the more I tested the world. Confidence came when I successfully negotiated one step after another and was ready to move on. At times the process was not easy when I thought I was moving too fast. I paused and began to consider how much I had to lose if I continued on the path I was on. I was on a collision course with the reality of my true gender. My next step just had to be gender affirming hormones or HRT. Fortunately I sought out medical and therapeutic help and was approved for the hormones. A huge step as my what now was answered. My body took to the hormones easily and I was able to flourish. 

Finally I ran out of steps and excuses and decided to give my male clothes to charity. What now became the future and it was time to live a life as a transgender woman. 

Complacency

 

Summer Image with padding.
JJ Hart

As I did my best to transition from male to female there were many times I experienced moments of complacency.

It happened slowly enough as I kept throwing lifelines to myself so I could survive a life burdened with gender dysphoria. To add insult to injury, I was not gifted with feminine external attributes to help me along as I initially tried to make it in the world as my authentic inner self. Disguising my testosterone poisoned body was a total learning experience. Angles needed to be changed into curves using everything from pads to balloons to foam. Anything it took to perfect my image and avoid complacency. 

The main problem I had was I could not avoid all the years I had lived as a man. The male trip was never easy for me to learn and even a more difficult time to forget. I had survived and even flourished and now I was trying to give it all up and for what. To live as a woman which became an all encompassing goal. I would practice the best I could walking and moving as a feminine person. Even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I was at work as a man. I figured it was because I projecting a feminine "aura" to the world and resolved to add the idea to my accessories when I was out in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

I started to project very strongly that I was a woman to any stranger I was interacting with. Along with looking them in the eye, I was able to be accepted for the first time as the person I wanted to be but I still had to guard in not letting up my guard and not slipping back into any of my old male ways. Just one time walking like a linebacker or not paying any attention to my new feminine communication skills could essentially ruin my whole day. It did not matter how much time, effort or money I put into my appearance, if I forgot who I was, nothing mattered. For years, my entire existence was still so fragile until I put in the years and work to tip my gender balance.

I can't say, even today I don't experience moments of complacency. It is easy when the cis-women my age and younger are for the most part very casual in their appearance. Ironically, when I see a woman in heels and hose in the grocery store dressed to the nines, my "trans-dar" goes up and I want to take a closer look. Perhaps the person could be part of the transgender or cross dresser sisterhood. 

Through it all, complacency or not I have never forgotten how the differences in female fashion is and was one of the fun parts of transitioning. No longer was I confined by the drab and boring male fashions. I had forever admired how the woman around me had the freedom to express themselves through fashion and now I could also.

On another topic, I attended two other LBGTQ support group virtual meetings recently. The groups moderator is a trans man and does a good job of keeping everyone involved. The group is very diverse and I was surprised to see a couple of the transgender participants seemingly have partially de-transitioned over the years. Plus I learned the Veterans Administration has finally approved electrologist visits under their care and my mammogram was approved after four tries. The main problem was the hospital I wanted it done at still had an old chart on me with my dead name so getting a new one was the problem. The VA needed to approve the process and did so my dead name information has been changed on yet another document. Progress is progress I guess.

At least I was not being complacent and stayed the course until I saw results.

Sitting Pretty

Image from JJ Hart.

It never took me being a genius to figure out my appearance as a woman would cost me much more than my male self ever did. 

I started out my feminine life innocently enough as I began to save my meager allowance to buy a few articles for my girl wardrobe. I even took on a rural newspaper route to add a few dollars every week to spend on whatever I wanted. The problem was, finding my way to a store where I could attempt to spend my hard earned money. 

Our family home was actually in a rural area outside of town and I needed to figure some sort of an excuse to make it into town by myself because all I had was my bicycle. I figured out the answer which came to me when I was asked to go in town and visit my Grandma. She just happened to live very close to the downtown area and probably would not resist any attempts on my part to go downtown alone. I knew also, there were several stores downtown which sold makeup as well as other feminine accessories. So close but so far.

Predictably Grandma didn't and I had free reign to go shopping on my own. Then, the next biggest hurdle came along when I had to actually go into a store and shop for any makeup I found that may be suitable. The first time I was brave enough to shop for my own makeup, I was panicked and just wanted to buy something and get out of the store. Another problem was my Dad worked a short distance from where I was shopping and if I was caught, I would have no answer to why I was buying makeup. He never did catch me and the only hurdle I needed to face was the clerk who would be checking me out with my purchases. 

I was able to visit Grandma and do my shopping with no problems except for my extremely limited financial resources. Even though I managed to buy appropriate makeup, panty hose and even shoes, there was no way I could ever afford a suitable wig. For years, the wig of my dreams was just a fantasy of mine. Even so, time flew by and I managed to survive, even with my gender issues. It wasn't until I was out of the military did I realize how much sitting pretty would cost me. 

Dressing head to toe as a woman still proved a challenge for me to afford. Most of my needs would be met by going to thrift stores in our area. By doing so, I was able to find fashion "treasures" which were added to my growing wardrobe. While the thrift stores were cost effective for me, so many other aspects of cross dressing myself were not. Due to the size of my feet, thrift stores were out and I needed to shop retail. The whole process of adding new makeup, accessories such as purses and jewelry was a challenge because for the most part, my wife had control of the family finances. Through it all, going to a wig shop and buying a wig was still very difficult and frustrating. What I mean is, once I was able to put together a quality outfit, I was still struggling with having a wig to finish off my look. 

Finally, my financial situation improved to the point where I could afford a quality wig but then I needed to figure out which wig I could buy. Initially, I was like a kid in a candy store and picked out the wrong wigs which made me look like a clown. Through all my fashion errors when I was out in public for the first time, I finally was able to buy the correct wig which fit me well and framed my face correctly. It turned out the wig was the final piece of my presentation puzzle. 

For the first time ever, I was able to do my best and sit pretty as a novice transgender woman.