Staying in Your Own Lane

 

Image from UnSplash

Staying in each others own lane has been increasingly difficult for the transgender community. 

Much of our existence changed under the four year rule of a certain former president who brought out hate in our country. All of a sudden, more and more people became less reserved about changing lanes and invading the LGBT world. Recently I have a close friend whose world was invaded by gender bigots crashing her world. It happened at a relatively upscale casual dining restaurant very close to where my wife Liz and I live and I felt so bad for my friend. 

To make a long and personal experience short, her and her wife's dinners were ruined by other patrons who referred to her as a "Fa--ot" and worse, such as religious slurs. In our experience in the venue, I was laughed at once by a server but that was about it. Even then, we felt bad enough about it to never go back. Plus, that was years ago and people and times have changed. So many think it is acceptable to hurt others with their feelings. So now, it could have been so much worse for me. 

I have said or written it many times how fortunate I am to have Liz with me most of the time when I interact with the public. She is approximately the same height as I am and opens many gender doors for me and others have a tendency to stay in their own lanes. An example happened a couple days ago when Liz went to one of her pre surgical appointments. As always, I didn't have any issues in the doctors offices and especially when we went to a nearby coffee shop to order a cup of caffeine and a breakfast sandwich. The coffee shop was very near one of the  local major university campuses, so the extreme majority of the patrons were college students who certainly had no gender issues other than their own.

In other words, all the people I encountered had no reason to leave their own lane and enter mine and I was free to enjoy my own transgender life. 

For all of you who are attempting to live as your authentic gender selves, I hope people stay out of your lane and you can enjoy your life. I know I am preaching to the choir but you deserve a stable and pleasant gender existence. My blog gently weeps for all of you locked in your dark closets or are just out in the world trying to stay in your own lane. I know my basics of being out in the world is easy, be nice to everyone I can and tip well when I need to. I also benefit on occasion from being easily remembered because of how well I present as a transwoman or don't. 

Either way, I am sadly waiting for the day when a gender bigot decides to veer out of their lane and into my own. 

Always on Stage

Image from
the Jessie
Hart Archives

Very early on I learned when I entered the world as a novice cross dresser, I was always on stage. 

More precisely, not only were men judging me, I also needed to worry about other women. Even more so than men as it turned out. As women in particular had the tendency to be more picky than anyone else because they had been through the process of appearing in public. Women know all of the intricacies of fashion and makeup. Even if they decide to follow the rules or not. At the least, genetic or cis-women don't have to follow the rules when they go out in public. 

How this all translates to transgender women is, we all have to try harder than the average woman just to get by in the world. Not only do we have to blend in with the women of the world in general, we have to do it better. My biggest mistake was when I began to transition, I was still mainly interested to pleasing men which eventually led me to try to dress sexy. Which eventually turned out to be trashy for me. The entire process for me led to me creating too much negative attention that resulted in embarrassing situations. I was trying to fit my testosterone poisoned male body into teen girl fashions, which in no way worked. 

Finally I learned the hard way to blend in but with an edge. By an edge I mean I still had to work hard on my feminine image. I needed to out do other women but not look like I was trying. To work towards accomplishing my task, I had to perfect an understated fashion look. What were other women wearing and how could I come close. Not to mention the makeup I chose for where I was going. 

Since I was always on stage, I became used to it. I became secure enough not to retreat when I was approached mainly by other cis-women. I kept my cool and was able to learn from them. How did they handle the world around them. Specifically their interaction with other men. It turned out, for whatever reason, I never was able to have much interaction with men to worry about. As I said, women were a different matter. Other women often were able to start a conversation with me by complementing me on an accessory such as my ear-rings. probably because most were just curious why I wanted to be in their feminine world. Through it all, I found overall acceptance and was able to slowly perfect my on stage presence. So much so, I began to feel natural doing it.

Feeling natural soon became a primary goal for me. As my old unwanted male self began to slip away, I felt better and better about myself. 

Even though being on stage was very un-nerving for me in the beginning, I became used to it as a normal way of life for all women in the world. Both men and other women were always looking at me. Once I got used to it, life became so much easier to survive as a transgender woman in the world.

Coming Out Day

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

Recently I know I missed "Coming Out Day" which I think was actually on October 11th. 

My excuse is I have been so busy with medical appointments between my wife Liz and I, I barely had a chance to write a post at all. Today, following a very early morning trip to Liz's hospital for pre surgery instructions, I had a chance to sit down, do a little research and write concerning the when's and how's of my actual coming out.

Following a bit of quick math, I determined I actually decided to shed what was left of my old male self and come out in the year 2010. Up to that point, I was still attempting to recover from the loss of my second wife who passed very unexpectedly in 2007 from a massive heart attack. In reality, she was the only major hold back to me coming out in the world as transgender excepting what would I do for employment. I knew for sure the company I worked for would not accept me as a trans woman so I needed some way to support myself. Since I was already in my early sixties, I researched how much I could make if I retired early on Social Security and determined I could make a living by selling off all the vintage collectables my wife and I had accumulated over the years. 

I ended up selling enough to even pay off the back taxes I owed on my house before the bank came after it when my loan became due. I moved in with Liz and let the house go which is something I should have done years before. 

I remember vividly the night I decided once and for all to turn my back on my old male self and live full time as a transgender woman. Primarily, I was exhausted from all the gender tension I was putting myself through. Plus I had started hormone replacement therapy and was rapidly approaching the point when I was at the least, very androgynous. I had put myself in a gender corner I couldn't get out of and deep down didn't want to. As I stared into the drink I was enjoying, I finally said enough was enough and why did I have to live the way I was living. I was dividing my time between the two primary binary genders and I wouldn't wish the ripping and tearing I was experiencing on my worst enemy. It became so bad, I needed to consciously consider which gender I was going to live as when I awakened in the morning. 

As you can tell, I have been out and living as my chosen feminine self for many years now. As much as I wish I could, I can't take all the credit for shedding my old male self and never looking back. I mention often the small circle of women (cis or genetic) who helped me along my transition path. It turned out I was making the whole process much more difficult than it had to be. It was Liz's final push which sent me down the slippery slope to a new life when she told me she had never seen any male in me at all and why didn't I just transition and get it over with.

I suppose somewhere along the line I should have been keeping track of my coming out anniversaries but life always seemed to get into the way and the reality of the situation of living my dream of living as a transgender woman was too much. 

The old saying is true, time fly's when you are having fun.