Thank You All!

Image courtesy Howie R
on UnSplash

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who checked in and commented on my post about going to my endocrinologist recently. One of many responses came from Joanne (Jo):

"I'm fortunate in that I can see the results of my hormone checks before because the lab sends them to me as well and so I usually get them several days before my appointments. It will be interesting to see if my T levels stay stable post-GCS now that I am no longer taking Cyproterone to block. They are slightly higher than before surgery, but very slightly and that the very bottom for the range for cis women. On the plus side, my cold tolerance has improved a touch.

Good luck on the check up!"

Thanks for the comment and yes the visit did go very well. So well in fact, she set my next visit for a year from now. I was seeing her every six months. Plus Jo brings up a point we don't discuss much in the Condo, the regimen required when a person is ready to undergo "GCS" which I assume meant gender change surgery. I am far from an expert since I don't plan on undertaking any serious gender realignment surgeries at this late stage of my life. As far as hormonal levels go, I also have been at the very bottom testosterone level for years now. So much so, I have cut back my dosage of Spiro in half. Spiro is another med prescribed to limit testosterone levels. 

Through all the comments, I would be remiss if I did not mention the input from those who could not undertake any hormone replacement therapy due to recent of reoccurring health problems. A few even indicated they had naturally high levels of estrogen in their body so HRT was not really needed. A wonderful predicament to be in if you don't have to ingest any extra medications into your body. 

To finish off the news concerning my "Endo", all went so well, she was able to access my recent blood lab results without a problem from the Veteran's Administration website I am a part of. The problem I used to have was I was actually seeing two VA clinics and or hospitals and my records kept getting mixed up. The problem was finally solved and I was ready to move on.

Since I have entered the senior citizen part of my life, I realize the greatest gift you can receive is the gift of health. The gift of health is followed closely by having a loving spouse and or family member. I am so fortunate to have both. My daughter is completely accepting of my status as a transgender woman as is my recently married wife who I have known for over eleven years now. 

Plus, while I am on the subject of thankfulness, I need to thank all of you who read my writings on one of the two platforms I write on. Either "Google Blogger" or the paid "Medium" site which costs the reader fifty dollars a year for unlimited access to content. I don't thank all of you enough. Your comments and participation of any sort make the process so worth it. Thanks again!

A World Class Observer

 

Image from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

For years and years I needed to be satisfied with merely observing the women around me hoping to see clues on how the women dressed and interacted in the world, among other things. All along, I thought I was doing the best I could in my observation  techniques without coming off as creepy. 

All along, I was doing all the easy things right. I noticed fashion trends and also observed which women seemed to have conquered the fashion world correctly. Some of whom managed to take fashion to an art form. As hard as I tried, I was unable to go any farther than being a more than casual observer of everything feminine. I was always stopped at the door by gate keepers who wouldn't let me into the inner sanctum of what being a woman was really about. While I was stuck on the outside looking in, I needed to sit back and concentrate the best I could on clothing and makeup. So at least I was doing something positive. Or so I felt. 

As the years went by, I worked hard to perfect my feminine image. My peak of acceptance was the night I was refused admission to a transvestite mixer in New York because I was a "real" woman. The experience was all well and good until my second wife and I became embroiled in a huge fight about it. To make a long story short my still strong male ego got the best of me in a fight and I told my wife what had happened. At that point she told me I made a terrible woman. I was deeply defeated at that point when she backed off and said she wasn't talking about my appearance, she was talking about my inner knowledge of what a woman went through in life. From that point forward my life changed as I knew I needed to discover what she was talking about. 

The path I chose was very difficult and little did I know I would spend the next decade (at least) to learn what she meant. The biggest problem I found was I was automatically excluded from entering the inner workings of how women actually communicated and interacted with each other. Even though I worked in a woman dominated industry, the basics I learned such as the dominance of women in cliques and the passive aggressive nature of such cliques was new to me. In fact, it wasn't until after I began to transition in earnest into being a full fledged transgender woman did I understand totally the basics of how women communicated without men. Quickly I learned how feminine conversations could be built on silence with just a look of the eye. I needed to toss aside the old male patterns such as full frontal attacks when life came to confrontations and aggression. 

Naturally the more time I spent in the world as a transgender woman, the more I became a world class observer of cis women everywhere. In order to survive and make myself into a better person, I needed to step aside from all my old male ways and accept the direction my dominant inner feminine self was taking me. After all, she had spent years waiting for her chance to shine. As I always write about , I was fortunate to have strong cis-woman friends and role models to help me along. They embraced me when so many others wouldn't. My observation techniques with them most certainly became world class because they allowed them to happen. I finally was learning what my wife told me concerning making a terrible woman. I found out the hard way what a terrible woman was and made sure I didn't make that mistake again.   

Staying Out of Your Own Way

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

As we follow our journey to live as our authentic gender selves we often encounter many roadblocks as well as twists and turns along the way. Naturally, it is very difficult to keep moving forward. Due to impostor syndrome or any other reason, I always had a difficult time accepting the gains I had made as a transgender woman. 

Also the entire backward process could have been due to the number of times I was rejected in public when I first began to leave my closet and explore the world. Looking back, I think too I expected way too much from my feminine presentation. For example, I wanted so badly to be mistaken for a cis woman, it became my entire goal. When, in fact, I was doing fine with being accepted as a transgender woman in the world.  To get to the point of accepting myself, I had to get out of my own way. I needed to realize what was real and what was false and proceed from there. In order to accomplish it, I needed to go through several other major transitions.  

One of the biggest transitions I went through I write about often. It was when I finally decided to quit obsessing just how I appeared as a woman and begin concentrating more on the reality of the situation. In other words, I set out to see if I could be accepted in a world of other women when I went to an upscale bar near a mall where professional women met when they got off of work. To try it, I needed to dress in my finest professional women's outfit I owned to try to blend in. Even though I had experienced some success in trying a similar move in the past, I was still terrified of what I was getting myself into. It was the first time in my life I was stripping myself of all the hard earned white male privilege I had built up and attempted to start all over again. I am certain much of my terrified thoughts came from knowing this had the chance of being a life changing experience. If I was successful, there was no way I could ever go back. 

The rest of the story that night was I was very successful. I learned I could breathe and enjoy my first experience being a woman in the world. Plus I was treated with respect by the staff of the venue I visited.  From there you would think, staying out of my own way would be easier but it wasn't.  The biggest problem I faced was I still had the misconception of which gender I was dressing for. I set out to please my old male self by trying to dress as a few of the sexy women I had admired over the years. The obstacle was my testosterone poisoned body just didn't lend itself to being sexy. All I did was turn out looking trashy. Once I figured it out and began to dress to blend, I started to get out of my own way and began to discover a stable path to discovering my true feminine self. 

From then on, all I needed to really do was try to determine how I was going to approach the inevitable...some day I would have to live my reality by letting my male past go. To get out of my own way and live fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Hormonal Visit

 My endocrinologist visit is coming up and most importantly we review my blood lab results and primarily for me, she monitors my hormonal levels. 

In many ways, my estrogen and or estradiol blood levels are my life. Years ago when I started hormone replacement therapy, I was careful to seek out a physician to help me. I did not want to follow down the path of unmonitored hormone programs I had seen other transgender women undertake. The excesses of foreign purchased estradiol are easy to see and even easier to come by on line. Plus, since I was older (in my early sixties) I very much wanted a professional to evaluate me to see if I was healthy enough to begin HRT. When I was, I was elated. I couldn't wait to begin the new hormones and experience the changes which would follow. 

Each time I write a post on HRT, I warn everyone to seek medical advice and the results you will experience will vary widely due to many factors. Variables include your age, your dosage and even how you administer the medications.  Age of course effects the hormones already in your body. At the age of sixty (plus) my male hormone testosterone would naturally be in decline. Allowing the estradiol an easier path to begin it's changes. Dosage for me, similar to many others, started at a minimum level to see how my body tolerated the changes. I even went through a period of time early into my HRT when my endocrinologist stopped me from taking my hormones all together for another health scare I went through. Finally there are several ways to administer your hormones. I started my process on pills which were advised against by my first "Endo." Then I went to patches which I am on now. The other popular way to take hormonal doses is through injections which I have heard is the most effective way to do it. Since I have never been a fan of taking injections, I stayed with my patches which have allowed me to experience the changes I so desired.

Since my "changes" were slowed with my initial minimum hormonal dosages, I still showed amazing progress. To me, in no time at all, I experienced magical changes including breast growth, softer skin and increased hair on my head which was exactly opposite of the hair disappearing from my body. Except my beard of course. In record time I went from appearing as a macho male all the way to being a very androgynous person. Even though my outward appearance was feminized, it turned out my inner feelings changed too. As I went through my initial hot flashes, at the same time my inner thermostat became broken and I was cold all the time. I found out quickly how cis women were not making things up and their emotions were real. My lifetime of not being able to cry as a man changed rapidly the first time my emotions overcame me and I cried before a summer thunderstorm. 

Through it all, I have labored under the possibility I could have problems and have to stop my hormone replacement therapy, Since I have the benefit of having two Veterans Administration nurse practitioners reviewing my blood work before it gets to my endo, I don't anticipate any problems with my HRT continuing the way it has been. Even still, I have my share of anxiety over any potential results.  

Business Trips

 

Image from Christopher 
Ivanov on UnSplash

As I look back on many facets of my life I wonder how I was able to hide the many times I was able to escape the house and explore the world as a woman. Several of the more exciting and enlightening experiences happened on business trips I was scheduled to do by my employer. 

I worked for a very successful regional restaurant company and I ran one of the most profitable units and I was a managerial training manager. As such I was required once a quarter to make the trip (approximately two hundred miles) to the company's headquarters in Lexington, Kentucky.  When I was told to go to the training sessions it did not take me long to figure out how to attend the meetings as well as take the time to go out and explore the world. It was exciting to not have the same old time requirements I encountered when I was at home. Once I did I found a whole new exciting world I had mostly only dreamed of.  I only just had to figure out how to pack a whole other set of clothes. 

If you are not familiar, Lexington Kentucky is the home of the University of Kentucky and as such had several large gay or LGBT bars/clubs. I immediately located one of the clubs close to the hotel I was staying in. The only drawback I faced was classes started on time at eight in the morning, so I needed to be prepared for the early hour. It turned out to be not much of a problem since the gay club turned out to be quiet when I went in there during the week, plus I was relatively early for the majority of the other clientele to arrive. As I recall, the only person of interest I saw was another cross dresser. Who I didn't talk to. Even though I was satisfied with going out on the first night as always I needed more. Since the training day I was scheduled for was just that, one day, I told my second wife the session really lasted two days so I could take the extra day to play around. 

For my second day, I decided to stop half way back in Cincinnati and check out a couple of the more exciting gay venues I had heard of before. Before I did, I needed to find a motel room to change in plus I needed to make sure I could pay cash for the room so my wife couldn't see any strange receipts on our monthly bank statement. I am not proud now of how far I went to hide my gender issues but only mention them to show you where I was mentally at the time. At any rate, once I dressed in my best mini skirted black outfit with heels and hose I finally found the large gay venue I had heard so much about, I went in and after one drink encountered a very drunk guy who was showing me quite a lot of attention. Initially, I was flattered until another woman showed up who turned out to be his wife. Fortunately for me she saved all of her hostility for him and I thought I could be in real trouble when he said to her "Why don't you have legs like her (meaning me)." By that time I was preparing to make myself scarce from the bar and headed to the restroom. When I returned, the couple had left and I was safe from being a part of a domestic disturbance. As it turned out, it was the last time I was ever in the venue. It has long since closed.

Along the way, I left the company I worked for to start my own restaurant and I had no more business trips to contend with. I had to come up with other ways to express my feminine side. Sadly it wasn't too long after that my life took a severe turn for the worse. I lost nearly all the friends I had to cancer, my second wife to a heart attack and my restaurant to an economic recession. Maybe it was a touch of karma coming back to haunt me for all the sneaking around I did so I did not have to face up to knowing the truth about myself. All along my truth was I should have been trying to live as a full time transgender woman much sooner than I did.  

Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.   

Living the Gender Lie

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

At some point in our lives as transgender women or trans men, many of us come to the point of telling ourselves enough is enough. Doing it is so very difficult because we tried so hard to live a lie. A lie is a lie. Once you begin to lie, you have to build in other lies to support the original one. In time, the original lie becomes unbearable.

At least that is how the process worked for me. As a kid and into adulthood I did all the right things I thought it took to be a man in a man's world. I played sports, served in the military, became a father and supported my family. It seemed the more I did to be a man, the more frustration I experienced. Perhaps it was because I was growing as my feminine self (or trying) at the same time. Being a railroad fanatic I can compare the process to two runaway trains approaching each other on the same track. A collision was not an if, it was a when. 

As I lived the process I also lived the pressure of such as an existence.  I am sure many of you can sympathize since you have gone through the same gender issues. Living the gender lie is a very real existence and it is no fun as a few transphobes would like the public to think it is. The life we live as transgender individuals is as diverse as any other so called "normal" humans and were definitely not just a lifetime phase we are going through. 

When you live a lie, you have a tendency to go overboard to protect the lie. When you are a transgender  woman that means often you have to over masculinize yourself. The result is an increased level of trans women in activities such as sports and the military. Anything to throw the outside world off the true track we are on concerning our hidden gender goals. Perhaps before we even know we had gender goals. Once I decided I needed or wanted goals, I finally decided to use them to do away with my gender lie once and for all. Since I was always a very much not a goal orientated person in my male life, it was quite the change for me. I had quite the motivation as my feminine person continued to grow and demanded more and more of a life. The more she wanted, the more pressure she created. 

In my case, pressure created results. In true feminine fashion my dominant self pushed and pushed until she finally got her way. Once she did, in dominant fashion , she never looked back. Most likely, the most ironic aspect of my MtF transition was my feminine self employed a decidedly male style push when she had the opportunity to be out in the world. Once she was out, she wasn't coming back. She was mocking me with a mental "I told you so" when it came to me living a gender lie. In addition she was very smug when I was very surprised with how well she did when she was given the chance to run my life. 

It's no wonder living a lie is not good for you no matter what lie you are trying to live. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I felt when I finally decided to take a major step and live full time as a transgender woman. It seemed the weight of the world was off my shoulders. It seemed my parents were right about not lying. Except when it came to severe gender issues they would never been able to understand.

Climbing the Gender Mountain

 

Image from David Billings
on UnSplash

As we transform ourselves over the years to live as our authentic gender selves many changes take place. Recently I came to the conclusion the whole process is similar to climbing a gender mountain. Initially we start in a huge valley and attempt to make our way out. 

Similar to so many of you, I started my journey exploring the wonderful world of my Mom's clothes and then working my way to the mirror. On a good day I was able to gather enough courage to walk down our long driveway to the mailbox when I was dressed. We lived on a rural road so cars were rare and discovery was nearly non existent.  Even so, I felt I had reached the first pinnacle of my climb and I rested then wanted more. If I had more guidance back then, I am sure I wouldn't have to have waited all those years to understand I was much more than a casual cross dresser who was attracted to wearing feminine clothes. 

Perhaps the next step I took up the mountain was when I started to go to Halloween parties as the most attractive woman I could be. Each year I improved the process so much on occasion I was mistaken for a cis woman. I loved it when it happened and was so sad when I had to wait another long year before another Halloween rolled around. Another year of just me and my mirror. The one thing I knew for sure was once I had reached a certain point of acceptance in my preferred gender, I could never go back to my unwanted, mundane male life. From Halloween interactions forward in my life, times were due to become more complex as the climb became steeper. Once I started to break out of my gender closet and explore, the more I saw of the mountain, the more I wanted.

Those were the days of escaping the endless clothing stores and malls searching for acceptance and doing my best to climb even higher to my goal of existing as a transgender woman in the public's eye. This step was radical for me and required years of work and years of learning on what I needed to do to achieve the new goals I had set up for myself. In fact, for the longest time back then I wasn't even aware I needed any gender goals. What I did know was the more I was able to look out and experience this new wonderful world I was in, the more I loved it. I certainly wanted to attempt to keep climbing. The problem was I was becoming increasingly engaged in a fight with my male self over my actual life as I knew it. In other words I was becoming more stressed on how I spent my time in each of my competing genders. Not to mention a marriage I was trying to protect . I can compare it to climbing to a certain point and then looking up to see how far I still needed to go.

At this point, the stress of the climb became too much and I became very self destructive. All the way down to falling into the valley of a suicide attempt. Of course it took me time to restart my climb after dealing with that massive set back but somehow I was able. Perhaps the biggest reason why was deep down I knew I was on the right path. I knew somehow I needed to climb higher and see what life offered. The next step I took was a major one when I started hormone replacement therapy which helped to further feminize my exterior self to sync with  my interior self. Once I did the HRT, new wonderful opportunities to climb opened up to me. Even still since I am afraid of heights, the fear of going higher often scared me.

Finally, with the help of several very supportive friends and family I was able to undertake a major step upward and decided to live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. By the time I did, I wondered why it took me so long because I felt so natural. I was just afraid to climb.