Feminine Envy

Many people assume the male of the binary gender spectrum  has a higher level of competitive spirit. Women are just not expected to compete on the same level. But I think they do, in their own ways. Similar to the differences in how men and women communicate, women are often not to up front on their comparative drive. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

Take for example sports. While women are supposedly the fastest growing segment of sports fans, often they don't take it to heart the way men do. More importantly women compete intensely on family matters as well between themselves on appearance , among other things. Here is another example from me as a transgender woman.

I can't remember a day in my life I haven't been envious when I have seen an attractive woman walk by. I have so desired to have one day in which I possessed even a portion of her physical attributes. Then I begin to relax and think I am probably doing the same thing any other cis woman would do. I am sure even super models can find something wrong about their appearance on occasion. Plus they have a legion of followers to make sure their makeup and clothes are just right for the camera. 

I think too appearance plays a role in married relationships when a male spouse begins to transition into their authentic selves. When a wife sees her husband dressed as an attractive woman for the first time has to come as a shock and the shockwaves have a tendency to rock all she has ever felt about herself and her relationship. Did she do something wrong? How will her friends react to the fact she is now living with a transgender woman and what about family? Once her spouse gets a high heeled step out of the closet, it is nearly impossible to go back to a "normal" life. As I write about many times, my second wife who was fine about my crossdressing simply drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender and starting hormone replacement therapy. She simply said she didn't sign up to live with another woman. The problem quickly became, as I progressed, like it or not she did sign up to be with another woman and not one she particularly liked. She called me the pretty, pretty princess for a reason. For the longest time before I learned more and more about the feminine world all I wanted to do was dress up as completely as I could, practice walking in heels and putting on makeup. On the other hand, she rarely wore makeup or heels of any sort. It's no wonder our feminine natures clashed.  

Before you assume I am portraying all women as being too shallow in their life lookouts, there are other aspects to consider. My examples are my former hair stylist Theresa and my daughter Andrea both of whom have transgender children. Both of them too are fierce allies of the transgender community as a whole and their children in particular. I am very proud to know both of them and know from previous experience how fortunate their transgender children are to have such understanding parents.   

Women for the most part live many layered complex existences  The process to learning to understand living a feminine life is often difficult and even lonely. Every door you open to a new life, seems to lead to another and another. The problem with envy is when desiring a another woman's existence leads to not improving your own. We can only improve ourselves by developing our emerging selves. The problem with envy in a relationship is it can result in destroying both parties. 

The Last Halloween

 Actually I should rephrase the title and write "My last Halloween Post". 

As I had previously promised, I decided to save my best Halloween experience for last. This Halloween occurred when I was a local disc jockey in Springfield, Ohio. The party invitation directed myself and any guests to an old restored Victorian mansion. I found one of my co-workers (a news person) and female was invited also. I love it when a plan comes together and now I just had to talk my first wife out of wanting to go. 

Of course I was beyond excited at the invitation and of course I needed to figure out exactly what my "costume" was going to be. By this time in my Halloween "career" I had progressed from glitzy to desiring to present as a cis woman at the party. Since I had arrived at this spot, it was much easier to rummage through my wardrobe to find something to wear. It was basically what I was wearing at the time when I went out on the rare times I could try out the feminine world. In a very short time, I knew exactly the outfit I was going to wear. 

On the much anticipated evening of the party I had gone through all the necessary prep work I needed such as shaving my legs, applying makeup and combing out my wig. Finally, it was time to meet my temporary date for the evening and we headed out to the old mansion where the party was being held. First it was the reaction of my "date" for the evening which got me started off on the right step. As she saw me, first she was incredulous at my transformation then she settled in with no problems. We were fortunate in that we arrived early and was able to find a close parking spot so my heels would not have a chance to bother me so much. 

The mansion itself looked tremendous. In addition to the natural beauty of the home, the decorations included a coffin with a real skeleton. Since I was was really into restoration in the town, the owners knew me quickly and similar to my companion for the evening were amazed at the feminine transformation. As far as I went, I was enjoying the attention I received. 

As the evening progressed, more and more new guests arrived. Including a couple I vaguely knew from his background as a local politician who was running for an office in Washington, D.C. He was with his wife who later approached me and said they had no idea I wasn't just a well dressed woman who stopped by the Halloween party. Naturally I was on cloud nine when the couple took it all a step further and asked me to go with them to another party. 

It was one of those times I wondered what would have happened if I had made the opposite decision. Because my "date" was doing the driving and I still was worried about abusing my wife's feelings, I said no. Who knows? Maybe a potential career in Washington was defeated with my decision.

Regardless, I achieved what I set out to do. For the briefest of moments be mistaken for a cis woman.

If you celebrate, I hope the Halloween season has been festive and fun for you this year!   

The Greatest Insult

 Perhaps the biggest Halloween insult any transgender person has to endure is the comment of great costume when you are simply out being yourself. In the middle of all of the glowing posts (including mine) of Halloweens' past, what if you found yourself in the middle of a transphobes world wanting to destroy your world for no apparent reason. I'm writing this post indirectly for one reason and directly for another.

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

First, the indirect reason. I have a transgender friend who on social media wrote on the torment of never having the freedom of being a cis woman able to exist in a world without transgender haters. The sad part is my friend who I met at the beginning of her journey from male to female, has blossomed into a very attractive woman. Her problem, similar to many of us, is we carry the effects of testosterone poisoning with us. No matter how much money you have, there is next to nothing you can do about your size. Even though I have managed to lose quite a bit of weight over the years of my transition, I am still big and have a thick torso. So I know completely where my friend is coming from. As far as dealing with unfeeling transphobes or people in general who open their mouths without thinking, I just try to stare them down and consider the ignorant source.

As a matter of fact, I had to deal with the very same situation yesterday at the funeral of a friend my wife Liz and I attended. About three quarters of the way through the service I noticed someone giggling behind us which I thought was incredibly wrong due to the circumstances all of the mourners were going through. Finally through the laughing I heard that's a man. Perhaps I was just hearing things but I assumed the comment was directed towards me. After the service I didn't have any other dealings with anyone I assumed to be the source of the problem, so we paid our respects and left. It was time to rest my sore back and watch The Ohio State Buckeyes play football. 

Plus, my days of partying are nearly over and I myself have never been to a venue on Halloween which didn't have a serious Halloween party in progress. So I didn't put myself in a position for any out of the way comments concerning my gender. Very early in the Halloween "costume" process (as well as life in general) I learned the comment about how I presented as a woman was I looked good in a dress, for a man. I always remember the heartbreak, to this day, of how much of life I had missed by not coming out earlier or even never ever having the chance to ever be a cis female. 

Finally I decided to do the best I could with what I had to work with. Surely, hormone replacement therapy helped quite a bit but on occasion I still wonder what it would have been like to grow up as a girl.

As far as the world goes, they can take their unfeeling insults and shove it.  

The Good, the Bad and...

 Actually is there is no ugly in regards to this post.

Last night we finally were able to venture out for my birthday dinner. We decided on a venue I have been wanting to visit for quite awhile now. Liz is a little more reticent to go to new places so I had to throw the birthday card (I won't say rump card) to get her to go. 

The Turf Club Cincinnati

Once we arrived, in our casual clothes and all, we felt right at home with a crowd basically dressed in jeans and sweatshirts. Plus, seeing as how the Turf Club (where we were) had a brief visit from the network halftime network football crew who was doing the Bengals game, quite a few of the patrons were showing off their best football attire. Even though I am still a huge fan, I have not been able to afford any of the current up to date "fashion" so I just went with a simple sweater, jeans and knee high boots. 

I will finish my plug for the venue by saying it has been visited by Guy of "Diners, Drive ins and Dives" Food Network fame and I had the same half pound burger which he did. Well, not the same one but made the same. 

A Turf Club Burger

Probably, most importantly, no one seemed to notice the tallish transgender woman in the crowded restaurant. It was the second time this week I experienced gender euphoria. The first was when I was instructed on which frames were for the women earlier this week when I went for my new glasses. This was after I spent too much time worrying about if the eye glass receptionist would have any gender related questions for me. 

Finally, today was my therapy day. It turned out nearly the entire session was dedicated to  revisiting all my old Veterans Administration mental health paperwork in the system. So, for the second time this month I was asked how I identified by the VA. Again I dutifully replied, I am a transgender lesbian and I answer to the she and hers pronouns. 

On the plus side I found I was going to receive a new I-pad to enable me to better be served virtually by the VA. Of course it can only be used for veterans related needs. 

Actually I fibbed earlier. Liz and I are attending a close friend's funeral who committed suicide. I have only been to one funeral since I gender transitioned, so I have picked out my best black outfit for such a sad event. That's the ugly of a terrific week.    

The Most Important Appointment

Today was my six month virtual visit with my endocrinologist. Quite possibly my most important appointment I have with all the various experts who attempt to keep me on the rails of life. Going a bit further, my endo prescribes and monitors my hormone replacement therapy medications. Without her support I would struggle to be outwardly the feminine person I am today.

Halloween Picture from
Columbus, Ohio Black Party
Courtesy Jessie Hart

HRT is always difficult to write about for several reasons. The first and main reason is that too many  having rogue unmonitored hormones can be extremely detrimental to your health. Estrogen can only take you so far in your outward feminine development before the tables turn. Which I have seen years ago in a couple transgender women at Trans Ohio meetings. Both of them were in ill health and blamed their problems on too much HRT.

On the other hand, under supervision, my years on hormone replacement therapy have for the most part produced magical results. I grew breasts, hair and hips while I went through the second major puberty in my life. But, it took me years to do it, often at minimal levels of added estradiol to my system. Most likely what aided in my progress was the fact I was older when I started around the age of sixty. So my natural testosterone levels were decreasing anyway. While I will always regret waiting so long to begin HRT, at least I could be confident I did the process the right way under medical supervision. To be sure, testosterone poisoning was something I still fight with but the memories of living in a toxic male world will always be with me too. 

Perhaps one of the biggest changes I didn't see coming were the internal ones which no one externally sees. I had heard the stories of emotional changes which occur with HRT but I can't say I was prepared for them when they came and became reality. Finally being able to unleash the emotions of my feminine inner soul was akin to lifting heavy weights from my shoulders. All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be ashamed to cry. The whole experience was very enlightening. Once of the examples was when my body thermostat changed dramatically. Quickly I went from a person who was never cold to a person who always was. A shock when I found out all those years I thought women were faking it when they said they were cold. 

All of these reasons, plus several more I didn't mention all combine for me to consider my Endocrinologist appointment my most important visit. She checks all my extensive blood work to see if anything appears out of range, refills my Estradiol patches and Spiro and sends me on my way. With a promise to do it all again in six months. I take nothing for granted at my age and sadly am prepared to give it all up if my life depended on it. Which for many transgender women it does. After all gender is in your head. Not between your legs. 

I'm sure though by the time my time has run out, hormone replacement therapy will have done it's part to take years off my life. I will just have to decide if it was all worth it to enable me more completely to live an authentic life I  waited so long to live.  

Transgender Bravery versus Conviction

 Yesterday I virtually attended my monthly Veterans Administration LGBTQ support group meeting. Normally the meetings are fairly routine and I don't say much, plus the last get together featured an interesting mental exercise which everyone needed to be a part of if possible. The exercise started with a circle and then you had to add all the various important facets of your life. Examples would be privilege, family etc. 

After a few people stepped forward with their ideas, it became evident how important being a veteran was to all of us, as well as being transgender. Various privilege's came in a close third. Since we all happened to be white, almost everyone mentioned it. Mainly in a sense of how much privilege we lost when we gender transitioned into feminine lives as transgender women. 

Of course I write often and long concerning my own losses of male privileges when I transitioned. For the most part I felt them quickly and firmly. All of the sudden I had lost a significant portion of my IQ and were ignored when I was talking to men. I brought up the experience to the group when I needed to have my car towed and tried my best to explain to the tow driver and a sheriff where I needed to go. Once they heard the address they didn't need any other information from me. Since I was a blond that day, I finally just sat back and asked dumb blond questions about how the tow truck worked. Then I was "man-planed"  how it did. The best examples for me came when I was talking to men about sports which of course I knew quite a bit about. I found I was never taken seriously. Due to time constraints I was never really able to talk much concerning the real issue of losing control of your own safety when you transition to a transgender woman.

By far the best experience was shared by a transgender  man in the group who is completely presentable as a man and works as a nurse. He was saying he works with men from other countries who refuse to take any guidance from women and he has to go in and mediate between the two genders.

Other than that, perhaps the biggest topic from the group came when discussion started about being veterans and what it meant to us all, For me being a veteran was something I never wanted to do but was proud of myself for serving my time in an honorable fashion. Or at least I tried! :). Several others in the group managed to draw lines between being veterans and having the courage to pursue their lives as transgender women and men, 

Over the years occasionally I will be called "brave" when I describe a few of my coming out of my gender closet experiences. I prefer brave be saved for those who deserve it such as first responders. On the other hand my convictions led me to where I am today. As one of the participants said yesterday, as soon as she stepped foot into basic training, she had to stick with her convictions concerning who she really was. Plus I knew also, I just couldn't live a gender lie as a man. Somehow, someway I would have to find a way to live fulltime as a transgender woman.

There is no contest in my book in comparing transgender conviction to any sort of bravery. I rather leave the bravery to the ones who deserve it. Conviction is different. We all need it to survive in an often hostile world.  

Passing the Eye Test

Since Liz is off this week, I convinced her to go with me to pick out new frames for my new glasses. My old glasses which you may have noticed in a few of my pictures were rather non-descript. So I decided to change my eyewear up to something more up-tempo or modern. Hoping to add glasses to my fashion accessory list plus knock out two birds with one stone. The other bird is being able to see better. 

A Girl in Glasses
Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart 

 Regardless, It seems no matter what I do these days brings with it a dose of transgender paranoia. You would think my internalized fear would be going away since I have been out in the publics eye so long. But it just hasn't. My fear this time revolved around being directed to where the men's glasses frames were on display. To add to my fear was we had to wait a half hour in a crowded Veteran's Administration waiting room to be seen. No one in particular seemed to pay us much attention until when I came out and they  were able to see how tall I am. Around five foot ten but my weight is down to 215 Lbs. So I hope to go below two hundred pounds probably for the first time since I was in the Army. Currently, no matter how you cut it I am still a big woman. 

As far as the glasses went, my fears were unfounded. The receptionist gave me a cheery good morning and said immediately the selection of women's frames were right behind me. Proving once again most all the worry and transgender anxiety I feel is unfounded. I know where it comes from. All the problems I encountered when I first attempted to come out. A transgender girl friend of mine said it best when she told me I passed in the world out of sheer will power. Which I did. It took me tons of times when I went back to the drawing board to try and perfect my feminine image. At the least the process left me with scars which linger to this day. 

I like my new glasses a lot. They are hard to describe except the frames are multi colored and according to Liz (my wife) they frame my face well and flatter my complexion. The only downside is I have to wait three weeks for the glasses to come in. Seeing as how the entire process is free, waiting is not such a big deal. Not to mention just seeing better will be a plus. I have a difficult time seeing the keyboard well when I type the blog. An example would be seeing more clearly the difference between a comma and a period.    

Since I have been wearing my current glasses for nearly six years, I expect the change to be fairly dramatic. I plan to slowly shorten the length of my hair also to enable it to be more age appropriate. Liz already trimmed six inches off before the wedding. 

I hope the new glasses become the fashion accessory I think they will. Small essentials such as writing a blog and being able to see a menu in a dimly lit restaurant will be a welcome relief.  

Party Down Witches

Before Covid and continuing to the present, various organizations have hosted "Witches Balls" around Cincinnati, Ohio. Back in the pre pandemic days I was fortunate enough to have had a really good time at several of the parties. Most of the parties contained various mixes of people in costume, belly dancers and pirates. Along the way I managed to dress sexy for one of the big witches ball and even was hit on by one of the pirates. I don't know if it was a combination of what he was drinking or the low lights in the venue which worked to disguise my true gender to him. But either way I was flattered because I was more than a little drunk at the time also.

First Witches Ball with Liz
High Heels and all.

A year later I was actually able to work on the committee putting the event together. They all knew I was a transgender woman and welcomed the help I provided. I couldn't do much because I needed to sit down quickly most of the time. So the two "most mature" individuals in the group were assigned to a table

Second Witches Ball with Tom
On the left.

selling items which benefitted the coven putting on the ball. It wasn't as much fun as I had in the past but at least the sitting down didn't put a strain on my sore back.

As far as gender recognition went, I was striving for more of a more authentic witch look more than any sort of sexy costumed appearance. By this time, I had transitioned away from the need to try to be sexy into a more appropriate well dressed woman. Hoping to blend into the crowded venue more easily. 

I can't tell you I had more fun but deep down I realized I was changing from needing Halloween to being such a major event for me.  One thing was for certain, my feet were more comfortable after I relaxed my "costume" requirements and started to wear flats to the venue. You can't see what I was wearing from the waist down in the second picture but I chose soft flowing legged pants along with my black flats. 

I still have one final fairly dramatic Halloween post which I have been saving for the end. In the meantime, the Witches Balls I attended played a major role in me transitioning from being a cross dresser into my authentic life as a transgender woman.

       

Just a Series of Walls

As I pause this month to look back on everything I experienced and learned from during my Halloween public experiences, in many ways, the experiences served to be predecessors to my future gender discoveries.

Wedding Photo with my daughter on the
left and Liz's son on the right.

At first I was all about my appearance, not  thinking how I looked would only take me so far in my quest to live a feminine life. Especially when I decided I was indeed a transgender woman. Not a cross dresser anymore, I decided to move forward again and transition into being a transgender woman. I realized at the time (finally) I wanted to be a woman, not just look like one. When I take the time to look back to the earliest days of blogging I can easily read how obsessed I was with appearance. One of the posts I remember was when one Saturday night I sat out to go to a local downtown festival in nearby Dayton, Ohio. I was very detailed into how I looked and how the public responded. I went before the sun went down and even went as far to wear sunglasses so I could judge reactions to me. Both positive and negative.

During this time I was unknowingly preparing to perhaps climb the biggest wall of all, the power to exist in a world which I knew ran onto the often invisible power of woman. Mixed in with the obvious draw of male privilege. Fitting in to this new world was a challenge which was difficult but one I desperately needed to face. Surprisingly to me, I had to climb this wall quicker than I thought I would. People (mostly other women) were quick to observe me more completely when on the other hand, men had a tendency to ignore me. As I made it to the top of the wall, the view I observed was at once terrifying and equally exciting all at the same time. 

It was about this time I was forced to face the fact other people wanted or needed to talk to me. Mainly from the time I spent when I began to leave the malls and clothing stores which for the most part were too easy and begin to stop for lunch. Which caused me to do my best to develop a feminine sounding voice quickly. Something I am still working on to this day. Yet another wall I have not totally climbed. 

Perhaps the final wall I have to climb will be what will happen when I die. Since Social Security just announce they would now honor gender changes, which may be a small benefit to us all. Even still, as I always write about if the final paranoia I feel when or if I have to be sent to an assisted living facility and/or a nursing home. I feel my problems could be magnified by the choice I made to have had no surgeries regarding my gender. I am also paranoid of what will happen to me if I am directed to stop taking my hormone replacement therapy medications.

As I look ahead to the wall ahead, I have decided to live my life to it's fullest the best I can. Even though I may be out of walls to climb.