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| Image from Valentina Conde on UnSplash. |
Since I was always a person who had a difficult time living in the present, tomorrow always loomed large in my mind.
I think it all started when I began to rebel against the
masculine world I was being forced to live in and always thought tomorrow could
be better. It turned out that all the wishing and hoping I did for a better tomorrow
turned out to be wasted time and energy, I finally needed to take matters into
my own hands, stay in the present and do something about me being stuck in my dark,
restrictive, gender closet with only a mirror to help me.
It took a quantum shift of thinking on my part to even
thinking about how I could change my life. First of all, it was nearly
impossible for me to quit daydreaming about the next time I could cross-dress
in my mom’s clothes and try on her makeup. Any time I was not actively being
engaged in male activities, I was hoping that soon I would be glimpsing a view
of me in a favorite miniskirt I had found by accident at school outside of the
girl’s locker room. If the girl who left it behind did not want it, I certainly
did before a janitor found it and threw it in the trash. I was overjoyed to add
it to my small but growing feminine wardrobe at home. Hopefully away from any
prying eyes who may find it.
Somehow, I managed to hide my “treasures” away and add to
them with my own meager funds I had earned from my rural newspaper route and
from chores I was doing around the house. I will never forget the excitement I
felt when I found a pair of women’s shoes that fit me in the department store
where I was sneaking in to buy my makeup and panty hose. The whole process made
me feel good because for once I was not relying on anyone else to help my
cross-dressing along. It all was just me, and I was in the present doing it.
As I moved along in years and experience, I increasingly
wanted to break out of my dark closet to see if I could exist in the world, in
the present for once as the person I was coming to believe could be my true
self. I learned the hard way that the public would not be as forgiving as much
as my mirror was as I was treated quite rudely the first several times I went
out. Even in places I should have had no problems in such as the big shopping
malls back when they were popular. I couldn’t seem to dodge the giggles and
stares I got from the teen girls before I learned to stay in the present, be
who I was and begin to blend in with the group of other ciswomen in the mall. I
learned the hard way to dress for them and not rely on some sort of trashy look
that appealed to men. Which was getting me clocked as a man in drag every time.
All this new reality was teaching me I could indeed enjoy
the present when I was out in the world. But not enough to keep me there when I
was back in my unwanted male world. I have always wished I could get back just
a portion of the time I wasted daydreaming of how it would be if I was the only
ciswoman in a business meeting I was in. I know I could have been more
effective…if I could have been accepted. Which I would not discover how
difficult that would be until I got out further in the world as a transgender
woman. I will always remember how I was shunned by a small group of men I
somehow became involved in a discussion with when I first came out of my shell.
Quickly I discovered, as a woman among cismen, I would have to fight for my
right to be heard on an equal basis.
The more I was out in the world, the more I was forced to
stay in the present. If I did not, I could find myself slipping back into old
male habits which would give my past away much sooner. Such as not employing my
old “stay away” male scowl and replacing it with a much more pleasant feminine
look which said I was happy to be here. Which got me by. Other areas of just
being a woman I needed to concentrate on was how I moved around in the world
when I was still trying to juggle being in both worlds of male and female. One
day I needed to be feminine, and the next masculine ended up taking a real toll
on my mental health as I did not know somedays what present I was supposed to be
in.
Plus, the one aspect of being in the now as a transgender
woman was the one I always mention, communication. As I was blissfully
(sometimes) going along my gender path, suddenly more and more ciswomen wanted
to know about me and were curious why I would be in their world. I was totally blindsided
when I needed to start and participate in entire conversations with other women
who appeared in my world. I discovered communication went way past just how my
voice sounded into exactly what I was saying and how fast I could pick up two
uniquely feminine communication aspects. Non-verbal communication and passive aggressive
behavior. The normal ciswomen who interacted with me ended up using all their
skills to size me up and often it turned into quite the contest that I needed
to stay on my toes to get through.
Eventually, surviving all the gender wars I went through,
made me a better, more well-rounded trans woman who could hold her own in the world.
Primarily because I had built up the confidence to do it, and it became my number
one accessory. So, what if my makeup or walk wasn’t exactly correct, I knew who
I was and it showed. There was no blood in my water for the human sharks around
me to come after.
All those years of trying to get into my present and stay
there finally paid off for me, but only after I had paid all my dues.
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