Haters and Bullies

 Recently, Mark sent in this comment: "Very very AMAZING..LADY .very well done for talking about this ,my parents lived in Germany for 6 years detmauld ..WHAT bullyingly HAVE you had ..HOW DID You cope/what happened .MARK.X"

Thank you Mark for such an in depth question. 

First of all, I grew up in a small semi rural area of Ohio in the 1950's and early 1960's. Nearly the entire class of the school I attended knew each other from first through the ninth grades. It all made for rigid social lines being drawn. For example, there were the jocks, hell raisers, socializers etc. 

Around the time the 7th grade rolled around, I knew I had to make a serious decision concerning which social set I was going to try to join. As you probably noticed, there were no categories for novice cross dressers. As far as I was concerned, I was the only cross dresser I knew. To be sure also, to be labeled a wanna be girl, I would be labeled as a sissy too. Also I expected no support from my patriarchal, conservative family. 

I was also painfully shy, so being accepted as a school socialite would be difficult too. I was left with two possible circles, the jocks or the hell raisers. Furthermore, I always had an interest in sports even though I lacked in the skill department. So I chose a few nearby friends who shared the same interests. 

By taking these steps, I was able to insulate myself from the threat of bullying. In effect I befriended most of the people most likely to come after me. As all of this was going on too, I had to be very careful not to have my younger brother catch me dressed as a girl when our parents weren't home. I had many close calls over the years when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and rapidly wipe off makeup I had just applied. 

All of this carried me into high school. I transferred from a very small
middle school to a large high school, so in many cases I had to start all over again. This time though, the emphasis shifted to academics as I needed to be accepted to an university after high school. The alternative was the military because of the draft. 

By this time in high school,  I had perfected the art of staying invisible. My only social attempts came at the school's junior prom when I was essentially set up with a date. Then I met and dated a girl from the school across town and went to the senior prom with her. 

Through it all Mark, I can't begin to tell you the time and energy I wasted hiding my true gender identity. I didn't want to be with a girl sexually, I wanted to be her. If I hadn't waited for the years to go by to realize all of this, perhaps life would have been easier, Then again, I took the only path I knew. 

Through it all, I was able to dodge much of the bullying I would have been tortured with but I know too I was luckier than most. I also had to resort to hyper masculinity to survive. Which was not my ideal way to exist but it worked. 

Thanks again for the question Mark, hope I answered it. 

A Transgender Gem

 

Last year, Jamie Lee Curtis's daughter Ruby sat down in the family's Los Angeles backyard with her mother and her father, comedy director Christopher Guest.

Ruby had something to tell them. She was going to come out as trans. But she wasn't able to.

"It was scary — just the sheer fact of telling them something about me they didn't know," Ruby tells PEOPLE, sitting down in their living room last week. "It was intimidating — but I wasn't worried. They had been so accepting of me my entire life."

So Ruby left, and then texted her mother. Remembers Jamie Lee: "I called her immediately. Needless to say there were some tears involved."

In the Beginning

 

As I look back, my life has been filled with a number of dynamic ironies. Of course, due to my gender dysphoria, presenting and living a feminine life rated towards the top of my list.

For example, let's take my military service for example. As you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, I went to high school and college during the Vietnam War days . Otherwise known as the draft era when the war was so unpopular participants had to be forced into service. While the idea of serving was not one of my goals at the time, steering clear of donating two or three years to the Army really upset me. Why? Even more than the prospect of leaving home and playing soldier for an extended length of time was the more daunting fear of not being able to express any of my feminine desires. Somehow I thought shaved legs and a mini skirt wouldn't make it on a guy in the Army. 

Here is where the irony comes in. After I served a year of my three years in Thailand, where many of the pretty prostitutes were boys (no I didn't do anything) I was sent to Germany to finish my three year tour of duty. In Germany I was destined to shave my legs, apply my makeup again, buy a wig and mini dress and attend a Halloween party.

How could I do this? Because I worked for the American Forces Radio and Television Service as a morning disc jockey in Stuttgart, Germany. By doing so, I was part of one of the most un-military units in the military at that time. In addition, since our broadcast unit was so small, we received extra money to live off base. Plus, close by was a big "PX" (mini shopping mall) where I could pick up some much needed items also. An example would be a wig.

As the party approached, I still remember the apprehension I felt. Prior to this Halloween, I never had the nerve to express my feminine desires in a public setting before. Plus, I needed a place to do my "prep" work. Here is where the woman who was destined to become my first wife comes in. I was able to borrow her apartment to shave my face, legs and apply my wig, dress and makeup. All too soon it was time to leave for the party.

The overwhelming majority of the people at the party were from a local medic's unit which was also stationed nearby. So the only people I really knew when I arrived were my future wife and two others.

This all happened back in 1973 so there are no pictures and a whirlwind of memories. I only remember the amazement of several people concerning my costume and the rush of hands on my panty hosed legs. Back in those days it all validated my fragile idea of being a woman. 

Weeks went by after the party until one night as we were under in influence of great German beer, the subject of our costumes came up.  I was lucky. When it was my turn to discuss "costume", I told the truth and said I was a transvestite which could have been enough to get me kicked out of the Army if anyone told. No one did and even more important, no one cared.

It turned out my most feared time of my life (being in the military) would turn out to be the most beneficial. I was honorably discharged, married my first wife, fathered a very accepting daughter and went on to use Veterans Administration resources I accrued. Including HRT. 

Life is but a circle. What I feared the most came back to help the most.

Belle of the Ball

 This is actually a two part post combined into one because it involves a similar topic.

As I began to become more comfortable in going out on Halloween in feminine attire, I decided to try my good fortune by going to large so called straight venues. In my mind to do it correctly I had to go by myself without my wife.

The first time I tried it was with my first wife who was very vanilla and didn't really seem to care. I often thought I could tell her I was going out for gender realignment surgery and she would not care. At any rate, as Halloween approached that year, I had already made up my mind I was going to the biggest venue in town as a woman and see what happened. 

My "costume" was all in black with a tight sweater, mini skirt, black tights and blonde straight wig. All topped off with a black beret. The whole outfit worked well as people I thought I knew merely passed me off as another costumed Halloween person. However, all of it came to a halt when a person in a full mask stopped to see me and said he knew who I was. I was floored! How could anyone see through my elaborate "costume"? Finally I said how did he know me and he said I looked exactly like my Mother. It turns out he was a childhood friend who knew my Mom. Turned out later he was a notorious transphobe who made extremely derogatory comments about me behind my back. But that's another story.

Other than him, the night I thought went well and I enjoyed myself immensely. What I was discovering though was how natural I felt when I dressed in feminine mode and interacted with the public.

The second part of this post deals with another experience I had when I was away from home training managers for a company I worked for. This one occurred with my second wife who also knew I cross dressed but was much more strict about my comings and goings. 

Once I found out I was scheduled for a training seminar in a city I had to overnight in for a couple of days over Halloween, all I really had to do was figure out how to sneak a "costume" out of the house for the evening along with all my work clothes of course. With a little creative packing I was able to pack what I needed.

For the evening I basically had the same objective. Dress to blend with the other women at the venue in their Halloween costumes. I found a tight, short faux leather skirt and top, added fish nets, heels and heavy make up with a blond wig and off I went. 

Much like the first night, all went well except for a few unwanted butt feel ups. All to quickly as I always say, it was back to being my same boring guy self. The only problem this time was I had to chase my gender euphoric fog in a hurry. The very next morning I had to teach a class at 8 AM.  I made it time wise after triple checking I removed all the makeup from the night before. 

While I certainly wasn't the "belle" of either ball, I still had a great time!  

Transgender Cover Girl

 

The latest picture from one of my favorite transgender acquaintances on Facebook, Melonee Malone. 

Pink sure does look good on her! 

Transgender Emmy

 

The ABC’s kids drama series First Day, starring transgender actress Evie Macdonald, has won an International Kids Emmy Award.

In the show, Evie (pictured  left) plays Hannah Bradford, a 12-year-old transgender girl, who is navigating starting at a new high school as her authentic self

First Day premiered on ABC ME in March 2020, and subsequently was a huge success overseas.

It screened around the world including in the US, UK, Canada, Japan, France, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Israel, New Zealand, Taiwan, Ireland, South Africa, and Brazil.

Now the show has won best live-action series at the 2021 International Kids Emmy Awards, announced online this week.

After the win, the show’s producer Kristy Stark thanked everyone involved with the show.

Bar Room Shuffle

 Georgette as well as others responded to my Halloween "Political Connection" post here on Cyrsti's Condo. Thanks very much and here is another experience from Halloween a couple years later. 

At this time in my life, my second wife and I recently married and moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. I left my fast food job for a better offer. 

As it turns out my second wife who knew of my cross dressing desires before saying yes to my marriage proposal kept closer track of me. Especially when it came to going out by myself cross dressed. I only bring this up because this all happened in the early 1980's and my memory doesn't go back that far on many issues. 

At any rate, one of my female assistant managers was having a Halloween party with her and a few friends. I really didn't know the wonderful experience I was about to begin as she invited me along.

This Halloween I chose an in between "costume" idea. I would wear one of my shortest dresses and accessorize it with heels, jewelry and big hair so popular in those days. Of course my wife did not approve but I thought I looked great. 

Out the door I went and met at a pre set up location, where I would meet the other party goers. I was amazed when I discovered the other attendees were all cis women and were dressed similar to me. When I walked in to the living room where they were all waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they looked me over head to toe. The reactions were priceless when they found out the truth about me. What made the whole experience so priceless also was the fact they were all almost as tall as I was. 

It was quickly time to leave and I didn't even know where I was going with this group of women. My skill in walking in heels was put to the test when I learned we were walking the short distance down the block to a neighborhood bar which was having the party. As we walked, I tried to hold my head up and walk with as much pride as the women. After all, this was my first "girl's night out" like it or not.

Amazingly to me, no one in the bar paid me much attention, assuming I blended in so well with the other women I was with.   

After a while though, they drifted away from me and I was left with my drink and an elderly man who kept trying to get me to dance. 

All too soon it was time to head back again to my boring male world. The only problem this time was going out to the Halloween party with one of my assistant managers cross dressed could have potential consequences. Fortunately, all I experienced were the comments which said how good I looked. Perhaps a little too good for a supposed feminine "costume." 

The only real downside turned out to being the gender euphoria rush which was hell coming down from and the fights with my wife which ensued. The only saving grace was I knew there were transvestite mixers nearby I could attend. 

I wouldn't have to wait for another Halloween to test the public and see if I could at least make it appearance wise in a feminine world. 

My Political Connections

 As Halloween rapidly approaches, as promised, I thought I would share several closet opening experiences I went through. These experiences were instrumental n helping me to gain courage to pursue a life in the feminine world. 

The experiences are not in chronological order and this one actually occurred a couple years after my earliest attempts at going out as a woman on Halloween. 

As it turned out, a friend of mine owned a huge spooky Victorian mansion and was going to have a fairly exclusive Halloween party. I was a fairly well known radio DJ and somehow made the cut for an invitation, along with one of the news girls. 

Since this wasn't my first Halloween rodeo dressing as my true self, I deiced to steer clear of my previous "slutty" costumes and try to dress as a cis woman to see what would happen. 

To make a long story short, I had a great time. I ended up going with the news person somehow instead of my wife. One of the few times she left me unattended. It was first page news when the news girl saw my "costume" all the way down to my freshly shaven legs. It turned out the evening was only going to get better. 

The party was well attended and everyone I encountered remarked how "real" I looked, especially one of the area's up and coming politicians and his wife. They wouldn't leave me alone, all the way to inviting me to come along with them to another party they were attending. Since I didn't drive myself that night, I said no and decided to go back with the news person who drove to the party. 

Needless to say, the whole experience was a prime case of gender euphoria for me. At the least, I found I could present in the world as a feminine person. The down side came the next day when I had to return to my boring male world. Except for questions at work about my so called "costume", which I quickly laughed off.

I will always wonder though what would have happened if I had left with the political couple and went to another party.  Also, unfortunately I have no pictures. It was a long time ago in the late 1970's.  

I did pass along a close replica of how the house looked.

Gender Euphoria

Ripley, Ohio. Courtesy 
Cyrsti Hart

 Over the years I have certainly posted here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning my battles with gender dysphoria. However, I can't ever remember writing about gender euphoria.

The reason I bring it up comes from an experience I had yesterday at the auto repair sh
op. Along the way I have never totally gotten over my internal fears of going unattended to a male dominated business such as a auto repair shop. 

Yesterday though,  my fears (and gender dysphoria) were quickly put to rest when the male clerk said "Can I help you Mam" From there I checked my car in and waited for my oil change to be completed. 

From the opening comment on, for the rest of the day, I took advantage of an all to brief wave of gender euphoria. 

As I started to look back in my my life, I really did have more than several euphoric moments as I went on an exciting yet terrifying journey to living as my authentic gender self. From the earliest days as a kid staring into a mirror at the feminine girl looking back at me, all the way to the occasions at lesbian mixers when I was approached and flirted with. When my two lesbian friends couldn't seem to generate any interest. 

As I look back at my life also, I see the times of gender euphoria coming along often just at the right times which I needed to keep moving along. All the times when I was sent home crying due to cruel comments and harassments.  Of course too, as I mentioned in a recent post, there was the physical gender euphoria which came with my hormone replacement therapy. 

I could write another post (or two) on episodes of euphoria which encouraged me to keep going down the path to living full time as a transgender woman. Many of them revolved around Halloween, which I will try to write about before the holiday is upon us.

In the meantime, the only words of wisdom I may try to come up with is, try to feel and cherish any incidents of gender euphoria you may have. They could keep you going.