Attraction?

 Unfortunately, too many transgender women and/or trans men are very lonely. Along the way on our transgender path we face obstacles from family and spouses which causes us to break up relationships. Also, transitioning later in life adds to the pressure of restarting our lives as another gender. So many  transgender women  face the daunting task of overcoming years and years of testosterone poisoning. All of a sudden, the bodies which have served us so well (even though we hated them) are no longer wanted or needed.

I started my search to gender transition in my early sixties after putting myself through an intense process to determine if I really wanted to undertake such a  serious project. I have always believed changing genders is one of the most difficult and/or painful undertakings a human can attempt. 

As I explored the feminine world, the more natural I became and I decided to move forward into what I referred to as the high maintenance gender. More than likely I was fortunate in that I was on the cusp of being able to pass in the world.

After a painful period when I tried to live a dual gender life, which ultimately led me to a suicide attempt, I decided enough was enough and I left my male self behind. Then I jumped off the deep end and started hormone replacement therapy.

All of this brings me back to my attraction topic. As I transitioned, I was very lonely too. Not to mention confused. Was I supposed to reject a lifetime of being attracted to women and switch to men? The answer came quickly for me as I explored several dating sites and continued my routine of going out to non gay venues. Even though I did have several interactions with men, for the most part either stood up by guys or treated as sort of a curiosity. 

On the other hand, I found many more women were attracted to me in my new gender than ever were when I was a man. Ironically, it was two lesbians who helped usher me into the feminine world and another lesbian who I still live with nine years later. 

As I indicated, I was fortunate for  the wrong reasons. For instance, I was so lonely because my wife of twenty five years passed away very suddenly. So I had no disapproving spouse to worry about.  I was on my own.

Over the years, I have been asked how I rebounded to where I am today. The answer is I flooded the dating sites and kept on trying. I had my fair share of trash as I would change my profile from seeking men to seeking women as a transgender person. Finally I hit pay dirt and was rewarded with another relationship I never thought I would be part of again this late in life. (71)

I am also on occasion slightly amused by the transgender women  who are looking for a "good man" not realizing they are in competition with the majority of all cis women in society. 

Indeed, attraction is a fickle beast, especially when it involves transgender humans.   

Patti Harrison

 Disney’s new animated film Raya and the Last Dragon has sparked debates about whether the two main characters, Raya and her enemy Namaari, are queer or not. Yet even as the major studio has decided to leave the sexuality of their main characters ambiguous, there’s one instance of explicit queer representation in the film: Patti Harrison’s appearance in the small role of Tail Chief. It makes Harrison the first known transgender actor to appear in a Disney animated film, as pointed out by Out.

Daniielle Alexis.

This is Daniielle Alexis.

 Alexis (above) is an Australian-born transgender woman on an acting visa in the US - and she is fully embracing her Hollywood trailblazer status.

After overcoming bullying, family struggles and discrimination, she is now living life on her own terms.

Before her move to Los Angeles, the West Australian appeared in popular Aussie television shows such as Wentworth and The Heights.

International Women's Day

 International Women's Day was yesterday, so yes I am a little late in mentioning it. In many ways I feel justified being late in mentioning it because of how transgender women are largely ignored.  

Since women of all types have been hit so hard by the pandemic, I understand the urgency of any sort of a quality push for gender equality. 

As a woman of transgender experience, I feel added pressure to "fit in" in society. After all, we trans folks, woman or man, have to blend into on some occasions and have to be better on other occasions than our cis gender counterparts. Plus, it's so much harder to obtain quality employment, housing and insurance which also needs addressed.

So, on this late "International Women's Day" post, I'm having a difficult time getting enthused. Even though I have been welcomed to play in the cis women's mailbox on occasion, perhaps it's my impostor syndrome which is keeping me from feeling totally equal.

Then again, maybe someday the world will catch up to our world and transgender women will truly be able to be included in the Women's Day observance. 

Toxicity

 Connie (below) responded to the Cyrsti's Condo recent post concerning me connecting with one of my previous employees, or more precisely...she contacted me. 

Here is the comment:

"Even in this very left-leaning city of Seattle, there are pockets of toxicity. One needs only to drive a few miles out of town to find it, as well. I've had my share of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" and "Lola" experiences, myself. Nobody needed to tell me that my business would have suffered, had I come out, as I depended on the patronage of building contractors (not always the most liberal-thinking people). My own dysphoria ended up sabotaging my business, so that (I thought) I could move forward with my transition. Ironically, this caused a great hindrance for me to have the finances with which to do so.

 Securing any kind of employment as a woman became more difficult, not only because I was trans, but I couldn't even provide references without outing myself to past, present and future business associates in the process. There exists a passive toxicity, in that most employers will consider the possibility of drama that could accompany the hiring of a trans woman - especially for a management position. Basically, I've only been able to find low-paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement. In fact, the only thing advanced about me is my age, and that just makes the whole thing worse.

 I changed my name and gender, legally, in 2015, when I was 63-years-old. I had thought about delaying the changes in order to secure employment, as my male self, with a company that I knew would have accommodated my transition later. I know people who have done this successfully, yet I just felt it to be wrong for me. It felt, to me, like going through the back door, rather than being the honest and straightforward person (woman) I wanted to be. After all, I had been living a lie for so many years, and I was just plain tired playing that game of deception. The game itself is toxic - and of my own creation. Just as transphobia can be internalized, so can the toxicity. Sometimes, I think, moving away from toxicity involves more than finding a new location. It can also mean that we have to let go of those internal demons that keep us from moving forward - not only with transitioning, but with life."

Thanks for the comment! To be sure, you are right, the transgender journey we have pursued is by nature full of toxicity. 

I was fortunate in that when I decided to do my MTF gender transition, I had the resources (barely) to just retire and go on to change my life. Then again, along the way, I considered the feasibility of joining a new company and then transitioning. But at that time the restaurant business I was part of was a very conservative patriarchal industry. So, starting over in a new profession as I transitioned was even more daunting. 

The toxicity levels I was about to face were tremendous. I took the easy way out and didn't face them at all.
 

 

Another Transgender First

 Tashnuva Anan (below) becomes Bangladesh's first  transgender news anchor!

Rosa Montezuma

 From Panama, transgender beauty pageant model Rosa Montezuma:

Thanks Tonya

 Perhaps you recall the Cyrsti's Condo post I wrote not long ago about the former server/acquaintance I employed years ago before I transitioned.

When I responded to her Facebook friend request, I was almost certain from there she would try to get ahold of me. Early last night, she did. 

Very early in the Facebook Messenger conversation, she was very complimentary as far as my appearance is concerned.  For whatever reason of course, any compliment I receive does wonders for my gender dysphoria. 

Not long into the conversation I asked her if the tavern we used to go to in our hometown was still open. She said she was going to ask me the same question. It turns out she moved from our medium sized city at approximately the same time which was seven years for her and close to that for me. She said the town had become toxic to her.

Even though I had not thought about it, the amount of toxic feedback I received (real or imagined) made it easier for me to move too. Along the way, due to me finally giving up the ruse of leaving my house as my true self , the word finally escaped of my desire to transition to a woman. I faced passive and forced aggression from people I knew. An example was the 4th of July party I went to with my deceased wife when the DJ who used to work for me just "happened" to play "Dude looks Like a Lady" when we arrived. Worse yet was when a long time acquaintance told me my reputation would ruin my business. 

So, Tonya was right, the toxicity got to me too.

My partner Liz even noticed it from our earliest days together when she said I had "sad eyes".

Hell, my very own brother wouldn't even back me up. I was fortunate though when my daughter,  her in-laws, and of course Liz and her family accepted me as a transgender woman. 

In conclusion, here is a picture of me you probably have seen from the toxic days.  Circa 2014.

Meetings

 Over the past several days, I have been somewhat busy with going to the vampires for a phlebotomy (when they take a pint of blood out) and virtually attending our monthly Dayton Rainbow Alliance Board meeting.   

The trip to see the infusion vampires was fairly uneventful and didn't even hurt much this time. What hurt me worse was being called "sir" by one of the new women at the clinic. She quickly reversed her gendering to miss after noticing whom she was talking to. Other than that, not much happened as my veins were working well and the whole experience was done before I knew it. It's too bad the blood can't be put to a good use. They take it out when my iron level exceeds a certain point.

The meeting also went well. First of all, the person running it kept everything moving and the information coming. I have a very short attention span and get bored easily.

I did get a chance to bring up my upcoming Trans Ohio presentation on transgender aging issues. I wasn't surprised when the whole idea  was well received and then again, no one really knew anyone who is transgender and living in assisted care. Or a nursing home. 

Now all I really have to do is lock down which format I will use to present it. The organizers at Trans Ohio would like me use the transgender/crossdresser support group Facebook Live platform, which now means I have to find out who to contact to do it.

No big deal.

Before I go, here is one of my fave photos taken a couple years ago at a Trans Ohio seminar with a statue of the Ohio State University mascot, Brutus Buckeye: