Mirror Mirror...

Over my life, I have suffered from a love/hate relationship with my mirror.

It started early on as I benefited from a long hallway we had in the house which featured a full length mirror at one end. I could get cross dressed up and fantasize I was a beautiful girl. Unfortunately it was much later in life when I learned how wrong the mirror could be. The best example would be when the mirror thought one of my best described as a drag queen outfit would look good at the mall. I even put together a tennis outfit once. I can only imagine now how ridiculous I looked. In fact, many times the public told me with their reaction.

As the cell phone camera began to emerge though, the mirror emerged in a new light. Even though I owned an aging regular camera which has since went totally obsolete, the cell phone gave me a new avenue to view myself and show myself to the world. After extensive experimentation, I found I could take a better picture of myself if I took it from the mirror. Or so I thought. Seemingly, I could put any picture on a dating site and get a positive reaction.

Actually though, one of my pictures attracted my partner Liz on a dating site called Zoosk. Rest assured the process was long and grueling, as I suffered many cases of being stood up by men looking for a date. On the other hand, Liz was attracted to my photo because of my sad eyes. She felt a connection.

Every once in a while, I still sneak in a mirror picture. Here is one of my favorites from two winters ago. It was taken after a fun night on the town with Liz, in our hotel room. It had one of those fancy lighted mirrors in the room and I couldn't resist as Liz was already asleep.

After I see it, I want to color my hair again and shift the part back to the center. I have to keep telling myself to stay the course with my current silver gray hair which according to my "experts" (Liz and my stylist) is kinder to my complexion, age etc.

Plus, this mirror pic does not represent my real everyday life anymore. As with any picture, it only represents a small slice of time.

Trial and Error

Over the past decades I have learned the hard way there is no easy way for most of us to feminize ourselves and face the public. I can't tell you how many times I was brought to tears by people snickering at me.

What happened though was I developed a thick skin while I learned to take better care of my own. Also ironically the more harassment I received, the more determined I became to present better in public as a woman. The more I progressed, the more natural I felt and over an extended period of two things happened. Probably the most important was gaining all an important confidence. More and more any resistance to me from the public was their problem, not mine.

Equally as important and a factor which took me years to research was how far reaching my possible transgender leanings went.  All of a sudden, I decided to throw my easy cross dressing trips shopping out the window. Even I learned clerks in stores didn't care who I was compared to how green my money was and easy trips to quiet book stores didn't really challenge by goal to be more feminine.

Finally I decided I had to take steps to establish myself as more than the occasional cross dresser if I was ever to explore if I could ever live full time as a transgender woman.

Here was my method as I have written about before here in Cyrsti's Condo. First I had to try to take a realistic look at what I wanted to accomplish. Little did I know how quickly I could establish myself after I quit doing dumb things like basically changing my name to match new wigs and going to gay bars looking for acceptance.  An example was when I dressed to match all the other single professional women that first night when I slid into an upscale bar stool at a Fridays outside of a close by busy mall. Make no mistake, I was scared to death! I still remember what I wore and each and every emotion like it was yesterday. Basically I wore a black pants suit with flats. With my restaurant/bar experience, I knew once I made it past the hostess stand with no problems all I had to worry about was finding a seat at the bar.

To make a long story short, I ended up becoming a semi regular at the venue and was treated well over the years.

Of course others have different yet similar experiences. Let's check in with Connie:

 "I must say that this is certainly the time for 2020 hindsight! :-)

There's so much more for a trans woman to change than just her clothes. If only it were that simple for most of us. When one becomes uncomfortable with what had once been her comfort level, pushing a few limits is then necessary. Although there are copious amounts of information and anecdotal stories that are readily available, we all must subject ourselves to some personal trial and error, if we expect any change. Learning to laugh at one's own mistakes, and to celebrate the successes, is a change for the better."

So true! Thanks!

Burger King in the Gender Business?

Perhaps you have heard (from the far right) fast food giant Burger King is offering a new vegetarian Whopper sandwich.

According to right wing zealots, when men eat the new sandwich they can grow boobs, decrease the size of their genitals and become homosexuals.

So, there you go, I have an inexpensive way to cut back on my Estradiol and Spiro! :)

Battle Scars

Trend setting young transgender woman Jazz Jennings has always been in the fore front when it comes to publicizing her own life. Her most recent landmark came when she went under the knife and completed genital realignment surgery.

The picture of her in a swimming suit dramatically shows the extent of the surgery.

This is just another instance of how Jazz has stepped up and showed the world yet another slice of transgender life!

Plus, another very accomplished and talented transgender woman is appearing in another very visible television role...Laverne Cox is a judge on the Bravo TV's design show Project Runway.

As always, Laverne is an articulate, gorgeous representative of the trans culture.

Before you head off thinking all I am doing is glorifying the very attractive upper portion of our culture, I am not. The greatest majority of us struggle to achieve our own level of femininity at all.

My only point is to show those who have achieved it and put their efforts to good use!

What Was I Thinking/

I still can't get enough of the decade just past. The more I think of it, the more I remember doing crazy things. A few I remember vividly.

When I first started seriously down the feminine road, very early I decided I really didn't like the gay bars I was going into. It was about that time I discovered two small lesbian bars I began to frequent. One of which was the equivalent of a dyke biker bar. To say the least, they hated me there. The other was a different story and was the venue where I was strongly encouraged to sing karaoke by a super butch lesbian in a cowboy hat. I was also told one night by another lesbian I was pretty cute and maybe I should go home with her.  The major problem was I had a spouse to go home to!

Them again, there was the one evening I will always regret not being able to experience. That night  a group of stripper were supposed to entertain at the bar one night. Unfortunately, my wife was due home and I had to get back and change back into my male self.

Along the way, a few guys (including one trans guy) did enter my life. It was quite the adjustment and one it turns out I didn't have to accept. Every time I turned around, it seemed my life pushed me towards lesbians.  One of the highlights was acting as a "wing person" for one of my lesbian friends.

About this time too, as I have written about before, is when I met Liz. I was coming out of an intensely sad period of my life. I had just lost my wife of twenty five years and three out of five of my closest male friends to heart disease and cancer. I met Liz on an on-line dating site eight years ago and we have been together ever since.

Here is a New Years Eve picture:

The final point I need to make was, how difficult the decade really was. As with anything else in life you remember the upside and have a tendency to downplay the downside. Like the time I went to a downtown urban summer festival one night in Dayton and another time I went to a Christmas festival in my favorite boots, leggings and sweater. I remember the excitement and satisfaction of living the feminine experience but not the loneliness of doing it alone.

The only words of wisdom I can offer are, no matter how lonely and lost you are, if you don't keep putting yourself out there, nothing will change!

   

A New Decade

I suppose at my age (70) it's not good to measure my life in decades but then again age teaches you to do just that.

In my last Cyrsti's Condo post I said I would hitch up my big girl panties and show you all the hated "before" picture. It's the only picture I know of me and goes back over a decade to circa 1997.

Naturally enough, since I have been living full time as a transgender woman for over seven years now, there are no pictures of me as a guy.

So, here is a picture taken last summer in Columbus, Ohio at Club Diversity.

But hey!!! So much for me. May the New Year and new decade be safe, healthy and prosperous for each and every one of you!

Crossing the Gender Divide

As I went back and read the "Double Edged Sword" post, I decided on a couple other thoughts I didn't mention.

Looking back at the decade which is all but over, I realized the enormity of what I was able to accomplish.

Of course the trip across the gender frontier wasn't all fun and games and I wonder if I would have made it at all without the help I received.

As I moved forward into the feminine world, I learned very quickly three lessons as my male privilege disappeared. One of which was my perception of how women treated other women changed. It didn't take me long to realize smiling faces sometimes held  knives just waiting to be stabbed into my back.  Passive aggression was often as harmful as a man's frontal assault.

Another big lesson came in the communication department. It seemed the better I became in my feminine presentation, the lower my IQ became. The first time happened when my car broke down and I had to call a tow truck. The whole scene was "helped" along when a well meaning sheriff showed up to help. To make a long story short, it turned out both of them had a better idea of how to get my car back to my house than I did. On the way home I finally just relegated myself to "dumb blond" status, as I was back in those days and started asking stupid questions about how the tow truck worked.

Even after that, I was a slow learner. Somehow, someway I would get myself into conversations with men in the sports bars I went into. I found out again and again how little I all of the sudden I knew.

Being invisible in a crowd became a reality too. One time several cis women servers from a place I frequented quite a bit invited me on a "girls night out" with them. I was flattered and went along. Soon I found out how the most attractive of the crew received all the attention. I figured beggars shouldn't be choosers though and relaxed to enjoy the gender banter.

Perhaps the most important lesson came in how I viewed my personal security. I was fortunate. One late night on the downtown streets of Dayton, Ohio I was semi accosted by two men looking for money. I got away with only giving them five dollars. From then on, I learned to check out my surroundings and always walked with a friend anytime I could. In fact one night when I went back to the same area (which contained several gay bars) my wonderful trans guy friend was nice enough to walk me to my car.

As I wrote in my last post, it was quite the decade. I wouldn't wish being transgender on my worst enemy. On the other hand, crossing the gender divide was at times a scary experience and at others a terrifically exhilarating one. 

Tomorrow, on my New Years Day post I will follow Stana's lead from Femulate and show you a before and after comparison.

Double Edged Sword?

Looking back at the decade which is almost over, I can't help but marvel at the changes which occurred.

Specifically, in 2010 I was struggling totally with my gender identity. The more I lived and experimented with living in a feminine world, the more natural I felt. Unfortunately though, the better I felt the harder it was to give up my male past. After all, there were so many huge questions to answer. Most of my immediate family (my parents) had passed away, as well as most of my closest friends. I only had to worry about my only sibling (a brother) and my only child (a daughter).

Both of them turned out to be my first sword. My daughter embraced me while my brother rejected me. I have written profusely concerning both. Essentially though, my brother refused to accept me while selling out to his right wing, red neck, in laws. I was fortunate in that I gained so much more than I lost.

Of utmost importance in the decade, was meeting my partner Liz. She basically found me struggling to find myself on a series of online dating sites. Ironically, Liz was looking for a woman when she found me.

On the sites, I was still struggling with my sexuality, thinking I needed a man to be a woman. As it turned out, I didn't. Before Liz came along, I was able to make friends with two lesbians who did more than they would ever know in helping me in my new explorations of the feminine world. All wasn't so rosy though as the sword swung again as I was kicked out of one place I frequented and had the cops called on me in another. On the other hand, I distinctly remember a spaghetti dinner I attended at Zena's (a cis woman friend) when I wore my black short skirt and heels.

As always though, the sword swung back during the decade and I found myself reaping the benefits of hormone replacement therapy. An old transgender friend once told me I "passed" out of sheer will power. So I needed every bit of help I could get in the transgender presentation department.  It seems impossible to me now it was over seven years ago when Liz and I went out on New Years Eve and I took my first small doses of estrogen. Years later I can thank the meds for softer skin, longer hair, breasts and on certain days, crazy emotions.

All in all, it has been quite the decade for me. As I look back on it, the decade has been right up next to the 1970's for me as a time of turmoil and discovery. The sword swung mightily in both decades teaching me that life is but a circle.

The sword of course is just another mystical symbol. Life is also directed by destiny. If you don't take chances, it may never find you.

Jamie O'Neill

From Golf Week:

"Jamie O’Neill played golf for the first time in six years as part of a team-building exercise with her new employer, an engineering firm.

Her first tee shot went straight down the fairway for 280 yards. “With that one shot I was hooked on playing golf again,” O’Neill wrote in a story for Outsports.com.

O’Neill, who is a 43-year-old transgender woman, shared her story of chasing her dream to compete in World Long Drive Association events.

She began her transition from male to female at age 34 in 2010. Deciding to transition was not easy, O’Neill writes. “I was prepared to lose my family, my friends, my career, but what I knew was I was not going to lose my life.”

O’Neill underwent facial feminization surgery and then spent hundreds of hours on electrolysis for hair removal, voice therapy and breast augmentation before having sexual reassignment surgery."

For more, go here. Thanks to "Zena" for sharing!