The "Castle"

I remember when I started to transition into the feminine gender in public, one of the biggest misconceptions I had to change was the Ladies Room. I did know from my days as a restaurant manager the "room" wasn't the "castle" most men thought it to be.To be blunt about it, I encountered too many bloody messes when women couldn't be bothered to dispose of sanitary products properly.  Also over the years, I overheard much more gossip along the way than I ever heard in a men's room.

Slowly and sometimes painfully, I learned I wasn't always welcome in the "room" too. In one case I was screamed at and called a perve and even had the cops called on me in another. Fortunately, that was years ago and now I don't experience many problems (at all) and have really enjoyed the increase in gender neutral bathrooms. I think even though it has been over seven years since I have had a real issue, it only takes one person to trigger another problem. 

For another take on rest rooms and my Mardi Gras restroom post, here's Connie:

Woman's Room

"Been there - on the stinky restroom dilemma. One can't help but be a little embarrassed, and it's not like you can try to explain to the next person in line that it wasn't you.

It's been so many years since I've used a men's room that I am almost unable, anymore, to remember the difference (other than the urinals). I can say, though, that I was surprised to learn that the sounds and odors in the ladies room were worse than what went on in the men's rooms I had used for most of my life. Maybe it's because the ladies room is a refuge, where a lady can finally relax from all of the expectations that come with being one by the outside world. What goes on in the stall may not stay in the stall, but it still stays inside the ladies room - one hopes.

Considering what goes on during Fat Tuesday, it might be a good idea to avoid ladies rooms for a couple of days, anyway. I know that the traditional Cajun cuisine does a number on my system) :-)"

So true!

Off to See the Wizard

It's travel day with Liz today and a cold one at that. Wind chill temperatures are expected to "hover" around 20 degrees (F) today. So Spring has not sprung yet.

Today, I am going with Liz to her Doctor's appointment, to her office to pick up a piece for her computer (she works from home) and go to the drugstore to pick up her new prescription.

Unfortunately, we are not down in New Orleans for the annual Mardi Gras celebration. We were able to go several years ago.

As you can imagine, it was quite the experience. I remember quite clearly the transgender PTSD I still experienced when I went. Needless to say, that was a wasted emotion. No one remotely cared. The most embarrassing moment came as I was coming out of a women's restroom in a restaurant we stopped to eat at. The person who used it before me (to put it lightly) made it smell very foul. Unfortunately, the space was very small and it retained the odor quite well. I attended to business in a hurry and opened the door to a line of women waiting to use it. Needless to say, the first couple of women in line were not entranced with me and probably unfairly blamed me for the smell.

Looking back on the whole trip, restrooms seem to dominate. I also remember quite clearly having to stop at a road side bathroom stop on the Alabama-Mississippi border. Two women read me as I was leaving and I spent the next half hour on the tour bus wondering if a cop was going to pull us over. Nothing happened.

None of that takes away though from the wonderful party atmosphere of the whole event! I had been to New Orleans before (not on Mardi Gras) and my second trip did not disappoint either.

The Salvation?

I received this comment here in Cyrsti's Condo from Paula Goodwin from "across the pond" in Great Britain:

"I fear that many trans people expect transitioning to solve all of their problems, but it won't, only the gender one!"

I especially think this is relevant to those who go all the way and have gender realignment surgery. I have known some people in my past who ended up being very bitter and disappointed people. Seemingly, they would have been better off pursuing their part time feminine life than living 24/7 as a woman. 

If you remember too, "back in the day" the approved way of approaching being transgender or transsexual was having the operation and disappearing into the woodwork, or becoming the neighbor lady next door. All of a sudden, the round peg was still being pounded into a square hole with little positive result. 

These days, we have more options of course. We are coming to realize the gender fluid spectrum is becoming a real thing. Also, after excessive repetition,the public is slowly coming to realize gender is between the ears and sexuality is between the legs. Plus, there is no such thing as being more transgender than someone else just because of operations. Outwardly, you can appear in the public's eye as little or as as much as you want, even though your mind tells you you're feminine almost all of the time. 

As a sidelight, Stana of Femulate blog fame has a similar personal take on her blog today.

So, society is changing and the person who regularly crosses the gender line at our cross dresser - transgender support group meeting is becoming more in vogue. He/she admittedly is gender fluid and sometimes she comes to the meeting as her male self and sometimes as her feminine side. How great is that?

Quite the Week

Over the past week here in Cyrsti's Condo, I wrote about how busy the week was.

I believe the only day I didn't write much about was my Doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Since I have attempted suicide in my past and I am Bi-Polar, I have two mental health doctors assigned to me. One actually keeps track of my meds and the other of my life. Tuesday, I saw the meds doctor.

During my visit, I had my annual "update." It was worth noting to my Doc how my moods have been very smooth lately and much of it has to do with my decreasing Mtf gender dysphoria. However, I keep expecting it to start ramping back up any day. Unfortunately, I seem to always be looking over my shoulder. An example of positive reinforcement for me came Wednesday night when I went to Liz's martial arts class to pick her up. For a change, everyone there was nice and smiled and spoke to me. I especially liked it when one of them referred to me as "she."

Instances such as the experience always help my fragile confidence. Which in turn helps me live my overall life.

I know some people claim they don't need their anti depression or anxiety meds after they started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) but I am not one of them. In fact I had to make sure I could separate both sides of myself to the Veteran's Administration when I started my treatment years ago. In other words, I was transgender and Bi-Polar and one didn't equate to the other. So far, it's working.

Also this week, I did submit my proposal for a workshop at this years' Trans Ohio Symposium and I did choose the gender dysphoria subject. So far I have not heard anything back.

So, all in all it was a great week.

Gossip Central

Last night,  the cross dresser - transgender karaoke social was mainly a cross dresser dominated affair. Since for once I could hear what was going on around the table, I learned several surprises.

The first of which was one the most surprising was the fact one of the most natural feminine persons at the table still worked as a guy and lived a male existence. I wish I had a picture but you are just going to have to use your imagination.

Adrian Cronauer

Another surprise was another attendee was a transgender veteran. It became interesting how much else we didn't  have in common. She is a "Desert Storm" era marine sniper and I'm an ex American Forces Radio and Television Vietnam Era vet. Yes, I narrowly missed being in Southeast Asia with the late Adrian Cronauer
who Robin Williams portrayed in "Good Morning Vietnam."   She said she didn't see any combat and barely fired her weapon and didn't live in the barracks. I said I didn't even see a M-16 weapon the last two and half years I was in. Out of three.

By not living in the barracks, she meant she lived in a tent. When I said I never lived in a barracks (except basic training), I meant I was paid off for off base housing in Thailand and with my Women's Army Corps girlfriend in Germany. I did even miss out when the pesky Viet Cong mortared the air base I was working at in Thailand.

Robin Williams

Finally, still on the subject of transgender veterans, one of the group members (also a vet) who moved became the topic of discussion. She was the member who claimed at one point in time she had all the signs of pregnancy, even to the point of being intersexed. It turns out the whole story might have been just that...a story. Since she now lives in Minnesota, not Ohio, she couldn't speak for herself.

But hey, the group was proving they could gossip with the best of them.

Of course, my least favorite person of all was there. He/she was still talking the same line of trash trying to make in roads with my partner Liz or even Aggie, the very presentable cross dresser I mentioned earlier. Last night I was fortunate I could set down the table farther and ignore most of the trash.

At least it kept it interesting. 

Consecutive Days

Yesterday as I got ready to go to the auto repair shop to pick up my car, I realized how many consecutive days it has been for me to put on my make up. Last Saturday started the string when I went to the Liz's martial arts class and to run errands, including the grocery store. Sunday was the ill-fated Witches Ball Meeting.

Monday brought about another sure fired need to out do everyone (and look nice) for the cross dresser - transgender meeting. Tuesday, I had a doctors' appointment up in Dayton at the VA Hospital and Wednesday I went along with Liz to her appointments.

Thursday I thought I was going to get a "day off" until it became obvious the car needed immediate attention. Fortunately, the problem wasn't major and the guy at the front desk barely even looked at me when I picked up the keys and paid.

All of this brings me to today. Actually tonight is the "karaoke" social we go to once a month at a local Mexican themed bar/restaurant venue. Looking nice is definitely a priority, although I don't go all out like so many of the other attendees.

Which brings me full circle back to Saturday when I go to martial arts again with Liz (to watch) and go a couple other errands like the grocery store.

I can remember vividly thinking how it must feel to have to get ready and apply makeup/outfit everyday.

It just took me quite a while to get here.

Stuck in the Middle with Me

Last week, we lost of our long time vehicles (a 2001 Ford Focus) to a fatal injury to the engine. So that took us down to our other car, another old Ford Focus. Now it is in the repair shop, hopefully for a set of new of new rear wheel bearings only.

Since Liz works from home, possibly the only main distraction we will suffer from our schedule is the cross dresser- transgender karaoke social Friday night. So, we shall see about it happening.

The best case scenario is the wheel bearings will be under warranty and I will have to pay for labor only. Then I will have to hitch up my big girl panties and go back into the repair shop to pay for and get my car.

I don't know why I still feel so reticent about doing it because I have always been treated with courtesy but I still do. Maybe I always will. 

Cross Dressing and Gender Dysphoria

I couldn't help but share this comment from Connie on the subject of transgender women, cross dressers and Mtf gender dysphoria:

"Cross gender expression and presentation, in the absence of gender dysphoria, is - to me - pure cross dressing. I can only speak from my own experiences and acquaintances, but I have enough anecdotal evidence to, at least, theorize on this. There was a time, before I began my transition, that I actually expressed my admiration to cross dressers. The ones I knew seemed so happy just to get all dolled up for a Thursday night out "with the gurls" and then go back to their regular male lives the rest of the week. That was in contrast to my waking up Friday morning (and every morning), feeling so very deflated that I was about to face the world behind my male facade. I used to think that I just didn't have the same grip on reality as they did, and that the dysphoria I had always had was something that needed to be overcome. Most of us who have gender dysphoria, whether we admit to it or not, will learn that it can't be overcome; over-ridden by willpower, maybe, but not overcome. It was with us at birth, and it will remain until the day we die - and may be the very thing that is the cause for dying, sadly.

I still don't know if it might just be varying degrees of gender dysphoria that make the difference between one being a cross dresser or transsexual (for lack of a better term). Was it dysphoria that led me, at a very young age, to be attracted to feminine things like makeup, jewelry, and dresses? I certainly had a sense of euphoria when I put them on, but I don't know that euphoria needs to be a counter to dysphoria. I do know that the dysphoria was recognized when I began puberty; when my body started changing to something I was not happy to have. The dichotomy of a testosterone surge against my deep desire to grow into womanhood was only tempered by cross dressing experiences. The biggest fete of my life was to, at seventeen, decide to suppress my desires and maintain it for another seventeen years. The darkest period of my life was the next seventeen years, when I attempted to use closeted cross dressing to deal with my dysphoria. Like a drug addict, though, I was only maintaining, and I eventually took the leap to going out of the house as a way to find the fix that would bring back that euphoric feeling.

Hanging out with cross dressers soon lost its luster for me. I enjoyed myself, to be sure, but I still could see differences in our individual motivations for expressing our femininity. After about a year of attending events with this group, one of them asked me a question that really set me on the course of transition. She asked if I were going to disappear, as others had done, because I wasn't feeling the gratification of being involved with a bunch of "mere" cross dressers. Well, yes, I had already determined that I was not like most of them. My femininity was not dictated by a series of events at which I was participating. Those were just things that I had been doing, but I finally learned that they were only a part of who I was. When Thursday nights became the trans version of the movie, Groundhog's Day, for me, I did make my exit from the group. Interestingly, though, the few I did try to maintain relationships with ended up disappearing from my life within a short time, as well.

Although my theory of dysphoria/euphoria is in need of more development, I have found a balance in my own life that causes me to not really care anymore. My gender dysphoria will always be there, but it has become less of a motivation toward what I do to alleviate it; more just a part of who I am that is as innate as my compulsion to breath. Funny, it took finding who I am to be able to really breath."

Thanks for such an insightful post!

Transgender Support Meeting

Last night was one of the twice a month transgender - cross dresser support group meetings. It was sparsely attended due in no small part to a couple of regulars who are in the hospital. One had a heart attack and the other just went through a complex operation to remove a brain tumor. Both had the habit of adding quite a bit to the discussions. Fortunately (or not) I was able to step in with discussions of my own.

The first had to do with volunteering to work the front door at this years' Cincinnati Witches Ball Halloween party. As I wrote before, my request was met with shock by the lead organizer. On the spur of the moment, I decided I was not going to sit on the sidelines anymore and to hell with being trans...I was going to step up. The rest of the meeting became so dis-orientated due to internal squabbles and a very noisy young boys basketball team who disrupted everything else. At the least, I am satisfied I stepped up to help the ball and volunteer for a very important and complicated job.

For the last several years, we have also set up at Cincinnati Pride, which has become a huge event and I volunteered to get us registered for that. It too was lost in the dust of the mess of a meeting. Oh well.

My first topic last night involved my quest to present a workshop again at this years 2019 Trans Ohio Symposium. I have decided gender dysphoria will be my central topic. My proposal has to be in by Thursday.

Ironically, one of my assumptions about dysphoria was shattered by the moderator of the group last night. When I mentioned what I was going to try to do, she stuck her nose up in the air and said she had never experienced any Mtf gender dysphoria at all. We got into a brief give and take about what dysphoria really meant and how it was possible she never felt the pulling and tugging of the two main gender binaries. It was an eye opening experience for me.

Finally, towards the end of the meeting, we somehow ended up discussing how Victoria's Secret doesn't use transgender models and even how I don't support Chick Fil A with any of my money. Of course she said she does because she considers herself a role model of sorts for trans people everywhere by proving she could eat there. I simply said since she does have quite a bit of passing privilege, her attempts were wasted because no one knew anyhow. All she was doing was contributing to the profit margins of an anti LGBTQ company. After another person said if we stop going to all the companies who don't support us, we wouldn't have any place to go. I had to step back in and point out that wasn't true either. Cincinnati alone has several big companies who are pro LGBTQ including Kroger grocery stores, Fifth Third Bank, Procter and Gamble and Pure Romance.

So, all in all it was an exciting couple of days.