Road Trip

Yesterday was my monthly LGBT Veterans support group meeting and my voice lesson at the Dayton, Ohio veterans hospital.

The trip north was fairly pleasurable under a bright cool fall day.

Since I have been working on my vocal homework after last month's embarrassing appointment, I think I moved my overall score up from a "F" to a "C". At least I earned the chance to move up again and work on phrases, breathing and overall vocal presentation. I still have to work on a daily basis to smooth out my voice, use my breath more to enunciate my words and still speak in a more sing song voice. I have been trying to temper my expectations on myself to keep them realistic. 

An hour later, it was time for my LGBT support group meeting. As I was waiting, an obvious butch lesbian showed up early for her appointment. As it turns out, she has the transgender VA Doc monitor her meds.

As we were talking she noticed my rainbow "VA Serves LGBT Veterans" bracelet. It was cute when she said "I'm the "L", so I replied I am the "T".

The waiting room was very quiet so ironically at one point when the trans doc came out, there were two transgender women and one lesbian in the room. Later, when more members of the group showed up, there were three lesbians and three transgender people. Including a trans guy who had just decided to come out of the closet. He was delightful too, so we enjoyed a nice meeting.

All in all, a successful road trip and it's nice to know I still haven't lost my touch with some of the lesbian community.

Plus, for once, the ride home in rush hour was almost livable.

How Much Effort?

How much effort are you/should you be putting into your feminine presentation?

I suppose it's like everything else you do in life, what you do, is what you are able to do, are motivated to do and how much work you can put into it.

Looking like a woman is very hard for the great majority of  cross dressers and/or transgender women. Let me use the example again of the transgender woman who comes to one of my support groups. Essentially, she throws on a pink dress and flip flops and says to the world, hey! I'm a girl.Sadly, as you can guess, it doesn't work in the world. I'm sure you have seen plenty of cis women who have no clothing or makeup skills either.

Before this post becomes a novel, let me add in what Connie sent in on the topic:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEOctober 11, 2018 at 2:34 PM

"When I first ventured out of the house with a feminine presence (eleven years ago) it was to a monthly cross dresser meeting (it was the first time I'd gone out and interacted with another human, anyway, as my numerous previous drives "enfemme" don't really count). A quick survey of the room showed me that I was far more ready to be out than were many in that group. Because I have always been something of a perfectionist, I just couldn't understand how someone could expose themselves without, seemingly, trying to make the best presentation possible. As I continued to attend the monthly meetings and participating in other social events with this group, I learned a couple of things: I was not a cross dresser and there are people who may have the same seed of gender identity as mine, but that is our only similarity. From that, I discovered that some of those people were happy just to put on a dress, and I developed an admiration for them and their lack of dysphoria.

The person you refer to does not seem to be happy in her current situation. I would expect, though, that only she will ever know what would make her happy. I have seen people, after getting a professional "glam" makeover, find a whole new hope. I have also seen others who didn't really care for the new look and showed up next time looking just like their "before" pic. This goes for both trans and cis, by the way.

There were many reasons that led me to stop attending meetings and social events with that particular group. As I said, I had learned that I was not a cross dresser, and so I did not need to find acceptance and affirmation the way, it seemed, most of them did. The thing that really made me want to leave, though, was the way they treated one member in particular. This cross dresser did nothing more to make a change in appearance than to wear a fancy ball gown. Although being allowed to attend the closed-door meetings, this person had been banned by the officers from going out in public with the rest of the group. Efforts had been made to "help", but I believe they were made for the benefit of the group - not to her (or him). Even at the meetings, though, she/he was ostracized most of the time, not unlike the school kid who eats lunch alone in the cafeteria. I did sit down with her/him one time, and learned so much about myself in the process. We were both unhappy being in the group, but for entirely different reasons. I learned through the grapevine, later, that we both quit attending meetings after that encounter, and I've often wondered if she/he ended up being as happy as I have become with myself. I do have the feeling that many in that group would say they're happy that the weirdo is gone, and that bitch, Connie, too.

*I have referred to this person with both pronouns because she/he did not, at the time, know for sure which applied."

Thanks for the comment!

Finally, it needs to be said these days there are more and more avenues to find help with your feminine presentation at fairly reasonable prices, if you can get out of the closet to take advantage!

Out and About?

As Halloween rapidly approaches, it's time again for closeted cross dressers and trans women everywhere to step out of the closet and strut their stuff. Sometimes, I feel sad Halloween has lost much of it's "buzz" with me. Every year here in Cyrsti's Condo it seems, I have written about a few of my more memorable Halloween adventures. Of course the pressure was on when I knew it may be another year before I could get all dolled up and go out again. Along the way, I think I secretly hoped my friends would grow suspicious if I looked too much like a woman. As you may remember, I first came out to a few close friends after a Halloween party in Germany when I was in the Army.

Those of you who have any military experience wonder just how it happened, here is how:

First of all, I worked as a disc jockey for American Forces Radio and Television (AFRTS) which as you can probably guess was one of the more non-military jobs in the Army. Essentially, I landed my spot because I worked for my congressman on his radio station during college and seven slots opened up quite unexpectedly when a battle damaged F-4 hit the radio/tv station in Udorn Thailand.  Killing all in the station.

I put in a year and a couple days in Thailand and against impossible odds landed up with a try out for AFN in Germany. They told me they were going to send me to Stuttgart and "hoped I would improve." What it really meant, was they needed a morning DJ who could get up in the morning on a regular basis to do the show. I could.

We were housed in a school complex which included a large commissary, medical facility and other units such as signal corps. So, when these groups got together, the parties were pretty legendary. That was how I was able to find a Halloween party to dress as a woman for while I was in the Army.

However, there were several gaps in time before and after the party which I couldn't even think about Halloween, let alone dressing up.

Now I will go to the Cincinnati "Witches Ball" dressed as a gun moll of sorts because I have to.

I just don't want to be mistaken for a man in a woman's costume. 

Up the Down Staircase

Last night marked the end of my week long birthday fun. I don't believe I have ever cared enough about my birthday to even think much about it. This year though, my partner Liz has "engineered" quite the fun.

Back to last night. We went to a roof top steak house over looking the Ohio River and downtown Cincinnati. It rotates 360 degrees in approximately one hour.

I wore my embroidered long flowing black skirt with lace tank top and even had to break out my black leather jacket for a cool evening.

As we arrived, we naturally had to take one of the elevators up to the eighteenth floor where the restaurant was. For years, I have suffered my own personal transgender PTSD for being trapped in a relatively small box with people I don't know. For some reason I think one of them is going to whisper, isn't that a guy?

This time though, one guy proceeded to introduce his party of four to Liz and I, so I survived the short journey. As it turned out, we had to climb a short set of steps before we could get to our table. Dinner was enjoyable and the waiter called us "ladies" several times. Then the fun started.

As we approached the stairwell which went down to the elevators, there were probably at least twenty people and/or families waiting for their tables. I suffer from a small case of vertigo on steps, so I had to be very careful as I felt every eye was on me. Fortunately, I didn't stumble and every person I glanced at was just giving me an empty stare.

Finally, to cap the evening, one of my worst fears was realized...riding down in the elevator with five wet rowdy kids, trying to get back to the swimming pool. Not escorted by any adults. They were pretty much just interested in themselves, so once again everything turned out fine. It wasn't all about me.

It was another fun evening and I can't wait to do it again!

National Coming Out Day

Per norm, I am a little late, but yesterday was "National Coming Out Day" for LGBT women and men.

Also "per norm" my coming out was basically backwards. The first time I told anyone I was a "transvestite" came when I was in the Army in Germany. I had a very close knit group of three friends, one of which included my future first wife.

My disclosure came circa 1974 after a Halloween party when I came dressed as a slutty prostitute. Looking back, it's hard for me to remember how I was able to acquire the shoes, clothes, makeup and wig to even attempt to pull it off.

Seeing as how this was way before "Don't ask, don't tell" time in the military, I'm lucky I didn't get reported to the higher-ups. Maybe it did, but I only had less than six months to go before discharge and hassling me may have led to more problems than worth. Of course too, this was way before the transgender term had been invented.

At any rate, later on in life, one of the guys I came out to ended up coming on to me, the other remained a friend for years and as I said the woman involved ended up marrying me.

Ironically, outside of an ill fated attempt to come out to my Mom when I was discharged, coming out to anyone else didn't happen until I came out for good.

Sink or Swim?

In a recent post we discussed a forlorn transgender woman at one of my support group meetings. Sadly, I know she is far from being alone. Gender dysphoria is cruel to say the least. The only simple thing it does is to cause you to build an un- penetrable very dark and lonely closet  to hide in.

As Connie points out, too quickly it becomes a "sink or swim" situation:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEOctober 10, 2018 at 12:20 PM

"I think I was about eight-years-old when my mother sent me to the community pool for swimming lessons. My grandfather was over for a visit when I came home, and he told me how his father had taught him to swim - "He just threw me in the lake, and I figured how not to drown."

Figuring out how not to drown and learning how to swim are not the same thing. Figuring out how to not let gender dysphoria drown you, likewise, is not the same as learning how to live with gender non-congruence. I call it "survive or thrive." I hope your friend learns how to survive long enough to find herself thriving."

Thanks for the comment!

Perhaps the saddest part of the trans woman's existence (in question) is her seeming total lack of regard for how she looks. Most of us learn early and often how much work it takes to perfect a feminine presence. At the least, a quick shave and a touch of makeup may do wonders for her. In other words, she is setting herself up for failure. 

Maybe if she keeps coming to the meetings, someone can help her with it and relieve some of her pressure. I think sometime in the near future, makeup and hair experts are returning to do free makeovers. Instead of going for the "naturals" in the group, maybe she could get some help. 

Even if someone has to tell her to shave. 

Monday's Meetup

The Monday night cross dresser - transgender get together was for the most part exceedingly sad.

Why? The loneliness in the room was perceptible. Even with all the social events the group does. I would venture a guess in any given week, if a person was able, someone in the group was going out somewhere.

Even that though wasn't enough for one of the attendees. She is in her early 50's and must suffer from some sort of learning disability. I have only seen her in one dress with flip flops and short cropped hair which probably may have been blond at some point.

I give her credit though, she feels female and refuses to not go out in the world looking like she does. But, she almost caused me to tear up when she said she was tired of being abused in the world and having no friends.

It was then, several members of the group brought up social media contact and joining up with a few of the other social outings. She refused, indicating it was all over her learning capability, in so many words. I think though, by the end of the meeting, a few of the other members talked her into to trying.

I hope she discovers a new universe for herself because she is talking suicide by the end of the year.

So sad...no it's tragic.

Boy in the Mix?

In one of the latest "Ulta" beauty company commercials, they show several different people getting their make up done. In the midst of all the cis women is one boy busily applying makeup.

This got me to thinking competitor "Sephora" here in Cincinnati has a special session every now and then just for transgender women and/or cross dressers. The only other thing I know about them (the sessions) are they fill up quickly.

For more information on classes in your area go here.

More Meet-Ups

Tonight is another cross dresser - transgender support group meeting.

EJ Johnson

This is the one which has become way more interesting, due to new and returning participants. For example we had one of the members describe herself as "agender" a term I hadn't heard much since I don't go to the younger trans meetings here in the metro-Cincinnati Ohio area.

It's interesting I did hear the term used last night when I happened along a Lisa Ling special on gender neutral people. One in particular was "E.J. Johnson" who happens to be the gender fluid off spring of NBA basketball star "Magic Johnson."

All  in all, the show was a nice fascinating look into gender which included a crossdresser with a beard in a coffee shop.

The series is on CNN and here is a link to their web page.