Why Me?

During my walk this morning, I happened to encounter one of the neighbor's older daughters as she was leaving the house.

Per norm, she barely looks at me,which is fine too. She fits the norm child in the neighborhood. Blond, slim and pretty.

For a second I flashed back to my teen aged days (a large flash :) and wondered what my life would have been like if I had been able to live the way I wanted. I graduated high school in 1967, in the middle of the Vietnam War and I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the amount of angst I lived through about being drafted. I didn't have wealthy parents or bone spurs to keep me out of the draft but I did have the where with all to go to college and earn a four year deferment. None of which really helped me with my gender dysphoria.

Four years later, my deferment ended and I was drafted.  I figured my little stash of female clothes wouldn't be accepted during basic training at Ft. Knox, so I purged before I went. Again I was getting farther and farther removed from my dreams of ever living like a girl. I persisted though and the world began to slowly catch up to me.

I learned there were others who yearned to live like me and even stumbled upon a new term...transgender. Slowly and all too surely, I finally came to the conclusion I was indeed transgender.

Now at least, I could achieve my goal of living my life out as a woman. I learned the hard way again what it truly meant to cross the gender frontier.

It's still tough to do but when I see another woman, I can think I finally made it.

VA Pride Day

"LGBT Pride Day" at the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital campus, turned out to be a well attended quality affair. I would estimate approximately two hundred peeps wondered through. Only a couple were remotely negative to the three of us who attended to our table. One fool was enjoying call us "you guys" a little too much. Some people shouldn't be allowed to get out much I guess.

On the positive side, we had one person who came up and said he was deeply closeted but was looking for alternatives to come out. He took a ton of the information we were offering. There were also several others who said they had transgender members in their family.

The part of the event which really stood out to me, was a brief performance of "Muse", a woman's a capella chorus. They were wonderful and truly represented the feminine spirit.

Finally, I believe nearly all LGBT Pride events paint a too rosy overall picture of the transgender lifestyle. While (even with the current presidential administration which is dedicated to taking all our gains away), things are getting better for our trans sisters and brothers. On the other hand, I think of the two (out of an approximate twenty) transgender women in one of my support groups who have been fired from their jobs recently.

All in all though, it was a nice event and I received another invitation to yet another monthly support group.

What Does it Mean to Me?

For some reason, in the waiting room I use when I visit my therapist at the Veteran's Administration always carries the latest issue of Glamour Magazine along with an incredible collection of boring male adventure issues.  It has occurred to me there must be several transgender women besides myself who use this waiting room.

Today, as I was looking through it , it occurred to me, what did it all really mean. After all, it seems to be focused on the millennial female market.

Slowly but surely though, my noggin began to realize in trans years, I am a millennial. Even though I still can't even come close to the makeup and clothing styles I see, all the other articles about the future of women in society and their overall attitude, mean everything. I began to notice the  extra amount of material which focused on feminine attitude and success.

It was worth the read.

Gender Fluid Ballerina

32 year old Chase Johnsey has made history by becoming the first "genderfluid" dancer to star in a "woman-only" dance troop in London. (English National Ballet)

Chase Johnsey

Johnsey, who uses male pronouns and identifies as gay, won the title of best male dancer at last years National Dance Awards. Johnsey went on to say he learned how to do his makeup from drag queens and enjoys performing as a girl ballerina even though he lives as a boy.

It's quite the story and you can read more here, in the Pink News.

You Might be a Crossdresser If...

Tonight is the larger of my two cross dresser - transgender- LGBTQ support groups. I added the extra "Q" because lately, we have seen several more questioning individuals. At the least, they add quite a bit more interest to the groups.

Of interest, in the group tonight is the person who is a fetish cross dresser. He finally has cleared divorce proceedings and is deciding his sexuality may not be as specific as he once thought. Which is completely fine with me. He is the one who always proudly proclaimed he had to be a cross dresser because he is only into women. Now it seems, he "could" be into a guy if he was forced to cross dress in front of him. Again, nothing so rare about any of that.

Divine

What I think is slightly humorous is he thinks he is so ugly as a man, or woman. He finally is posting some pictures and in them he looks quite a bit like Divine out of drag.

If he comes tonight, I am thinking of bringing it up to him. At the least I can try to tell him to take the "drag queen effect" away from Divine and zero in on the fact they have basically the same rounded facial features.

At the least, it should be interesting and I will let you know how it goes.

John or Joan Q Public

I was out and about in several busy stores and a restaurant today.

Initially I was surprised by a couple of smiles I received by a couple women and one man while we were shopping at the grocery store we visit regularly. Exchanging smiles with cis women isn't so unusual because women are allowed to greet each other without knowing one another. The man, on the other hand was intriguing, because I normally don't get much response from my old gender.

Other than that, nothing out of the ordinary happened, even with the few kids I ran into.

As far as the restaurant went, I have been there several times before and tip really well, so we got the same server and she remembered us. During this food venue visit  I had to use the rest room and my potty PTSD kicked in. Nothing happened though, as I walked right by two servers and went into the women's room. My only worry was a big "red neck" looking very non personable manager who was "running the place. Again, no problems.

No body screamed "Hey! that's a man in the women's room." Actually, that hasn't happened to me in a long time. You would think, I would be working my way through it. But I haven't.

So, all in all, I had a fun day in the public's eye. Now, if I knew what that guy was thinking...

Rest in Peace

Last week, we lost two celebrities to suicide. Kate Spade of the hand bag fame and famous chef Anthony Bourdain. I was never in the financial position to purchase a "Kate Spade" bag, but, especially after my career in the restaurant business, I loved Bourdain. To the point of reading one of his books.

Kate Spade

Needless to say, I was in shock, then again not so much.

Anthony Bourdain

I have my own suicidal demons which are addressed with my therapist when they get too loud. Sufficient to say, my demons will be brought up this Tuesday during my next therapist visit. I am betting I will have to bring up the fact I am entranced not so much of the whys of their suicides (which I understand) but of the hows. The problem is I have learned to cover for my demons over the years.

Some even assume since I have been able to Mtf gender transition, it is all I live for.

Naturally, suicide is a very personal and complex issue and it is easier for me to write about it than speak to anyone about it. Plus, I know I have almost instantaneous access to various suicide hotlines. Including a Trans Vet Hot Line.

Also, in a sense, I suffer from going through three very personal suicides when I was younger, so I know the cost involved to the ones you leave behind. The guilt just builds.

Finally, thanks to all for reading my vent. I am OK and it means a lot I can write about something this personal.

Creating a Vocal Identity

Every once in a while, I need to revisit my quest for a more feminine voice here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Over the past month, I have pretty much had to stop my vocal exercises due to a bad throat cold which makes me sound like a frog...not a girl.

However, during my therapist's appointment on Tuesday, she owes me an explanation about what she has been doing to hook me up with a VA vocal therapist. I am betting she has done nothing until I force the point. Which I will.

I also saw additional information from my news feed which includes vocal information from nearby Ohio University (not Ohio State).

"For individuals who are transgender, voice is a very high consideration although it probably isn't an area of practice people think about first," said Sarah Taylor, M.A., CCC-SLP, clinical supervisor of Speech-Language Pathology in Ohio University's College of Health Sciences and Professions. "Vocal cords are tiny and picky. We help create a voice that reflects the individual, but is also safe to produce."

As the individual treating the majority of adults within the Hearing, Speech and Language Clinic, referrals for transgender patients looking to alter their voice came to Taylor who said, "The clinic's commitment to Safe Space and service availability as well as an interest in voice evolved into the current programming offered here. The hope is that these services will expand."

With speech therapy, altering a voice to a different pitch is possible although the time frame greatly depends on the individual. Time has to be spent changing the "muscle memory" of the cords while time is also spent on identifying the sound the person is seeking to achieve

For more, go here.

A Busy Week?

This week, my entire week starts on Sunday.

We have our monthly Cincinnati's Witches Ball meeting on Sunday. Then on Monday, I have a cross dresser - transgender support group meeting at 7:30. Tuesday is my session with my therapist. Finally, Wednesday is VA Pride Day at the Cincinnati hospital main campus.

Outfit wise, I am pretty well set, even to the point of hoping my "patriotic" top gets here on the early side of it's shipping date, rather than the later side. With my luck, it won't.

My only problem is my nails are needing a touch up, or it's time again to take all the polish off and start over.

All in all though, it's a busy week coming up, which is fun!