Liz and Elizabeth

Elizabeth Taylor at 44

Perhaps you all have noticed Connie and I "sparring" in the comments section of a recent post. To cut to the chase, our discussions came down to the preparations trans women have to go through (versus cis women) to even face the world.

Interestingly, I have had the same discussions with my therapist and my partner (cis). My point was to all of them, including Connie, that while I and (most of the rest of the feminine population) will never possess the looks of movie star Elizabeth Taylor, I would not prefer to look like "Liz Taylor" of recent "American Horror Story" fame with Lady Gaga.

Of course I know there are parts of my Mtf transition which are entirely out of my control. Financially I can't walk out and schedule Caitlyn Jenner style plastic surgeon rebuilds and I am stuck with my big bones etc. On the other hand, I know if I can do well with my makeup, I will present with less effort. Often in direct proportion to the work put in.

However, my point to Connie (and I can be accused of not making it well) was a woman, cis or trans should not be judged by her looks. But, where does that idealism leave me? 

Liz Taylor

Well, you all have seen my pictures and you know where it leaves me-with a lot of work to do. But, on the other hand, I am completely unapologetic about who I am, and if I am out of time to do much more than tie my hair back, put on some light foundation and mascara for the grocery or gym-so be it.

Let's not forget Cincinnati, even though it's only a couple hours from ultra LGBT diverse Columbus, Ohio-still needs work on our acceptance. It's happening and I would love to help as much as possible!

In the meantime, I won't give you a "spoiler alert" about Liz Taylor, but you maybe will be surprised if and when you watch the show. 

When Life Face Plants You in the Potty Box!

We have pair of ferrets along with cats and dogs in our Cyrsti's Condo mini zoo. The female has grown to probably one third bigger than her male counterpart. This morning, he was at the wrong place at the wrong time and she face planted him into their potty box. 

Fortunately, we had just cleaned it recently. But, I got to thinking, haven't we all have to deal with a "face plant" or two in the potty box?

Maybe we all are like our ferrets, a higher force is looking down on us laughing when we do it in our cages?

I'm Proud

At the Grandson's  Bar Mitzfah Saturday with Liz and Daughter

Legging it Out?

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo I have been writing about my first ever exploits in a fitness club.

Of course, in the winter months around O.H.I.O I don't have any problem with going in for my workout in baggy sweats, but of course I do have a goal.

The biggest is I need to be more agile and take off the 10 pounds or so I gained since I have felt better this year. The other is, I'm tired of wearing the baggy sweats into the fitness place- already.


Plus, if my next step is Yoga, I need something more fun to wear..

Now, I would love to wear some of the many many fabulous workout leggings including ones on the left.

Before you think I have fallen off some sort of cliff on my head, I know I will need to find some sort of "T" top that come down far enough on my body to cover a very key area.

Those long tank tops are available, in fact I have one I wore last summer.

Of course I will keep you posted, between exercise machines.

Would You Rather?

Over the space of time here in Cyrsti's Condo (nearing five years), one of the questions which has popped up along the way for those of you who are seriously considering a male to female gender transition is-(From Connie) " One of the questions I used to ask of myself, and now of others who may be contemplating transition, is whether it would be better to be considered a beautiful transgender woman or an average-looking cis-woman."

To be fair, I am taking this part of her comment out of context to make mine, but the thought is a very real one. (Go here for the rest of the post and comment.)

On a very deep level, trans is trans and presentation is just something which makes it easier for your inner self to navigate society. 

Obviously, cis women face the same situations as we do and that's why we see the tremendous marketing drives towards women's makeup and fashion products.

I'm actually just getting started on a very intimidating process of putting together similar groups of the over 4,000 posts I have here for another book. It has been no real surprise to me that my earlier posts revolved more completely around what I wore. I guess now, I am boring and expect everyone to just know I'm going with Liz to her doctor's today and no, I will not go through an hour make up process. I can't and work on a blog post, the book and list a few collectibles to make an extra Shekel or two.

So, what's a trans woman to do? Well, it depends quite a bit on how far you have to go to make a "gender jump" in the public's eyes. Some men quite naturally are more effeminate than others and it is easier. In my case, I don't think I ever really was, so I rely heavily now on the external effects of my HRT. Speaking of, I consider my hair as the biggest plus as I consider who I am as a trans girl these days. O (then again) my attitude which helps my public acceptance, or the fact I am very fortunate to have a group of friends and a partner who accept me for who I am.

It's never been a question in my noggin-I would rather be the transgender woman I am trying to make my way- than the so called 'beautiful trans woman' of many dreams.

ShaZAM!

I guess it my be true, if you wait just a little longer for the VA to grease it's squeaky wheel and approve my name change  will it be worth it? 

Today it did just that and it was. But, it was too cold to do my happy dance naked in the middle of the street.

So now my legal name is legal within the system. Now I have to replace my Goddess Awful Veteran's Administration I.D. card and I am free of my old self.

Wow. Just wow.

It Was Only a Dream

Years ago, I used to wake up broken hearted from a reoccurring dream of being a girl. 

Then, as I began to advance through life and became more knowledgeable in the look or looks I was trying to achieve-and the more I began to go out- my dreams followed the process.

In my dreams, I was the prettiest or at the least most convincing girl in the room. Reality to say the least wasn't pleasant. So, in it's place-day dreaming took over. 

I have always wondered how much of my life I essentially wasted in the day dream mode. How would have things been different? Who knows, can't cry over spilled hormones and I am not.

These days, interesting enough though, my dreams are going a different direction. Or not. 

I'm dreaming about coming out as transgender to people. Or appearing to get my gender marker's changed-or whatever.

I guess dreams do follow reality.

Except, I think I would look good in that brand new Porsche of my dreams!

Fright or Flight?

The last couple of days I have had a couple of those moments when I wasn't totally sure which I was going to do. Stay scared or get out of the situation I was in. 

The first was the actual picture taking of the families before the Bar Mitzfah- with focus on the extended families of my grandson as well as him. I just don't like pictures to start with...so I hitched up my big girl panties and got over it.

The second time was today when (for the first time in my life) I went to a fitness club with Liz.  So, I basically went sans most makeup in sweats. (Proud owner of my new ID.) Needless to say, I was at my best but again hitched up my panties and began on my fitness goals. Why?

I need to see if I can exercise my way out of my bad hip's influence. Burn a few extra calories and become more agile before I begin my plan to start yoga. In my quest to live longer and get this transgender trip I'm on as far as I can possibly can.

Even though "fright or flight" seemingly at times is as much a part of my journey as the night years ago when I sat in my car seemingly forever gathering courage for the first time ever to go into a restaurant by myself to eat as a woman. Why would I possibly stop now>

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another cold Sunday edition is hitting your front porch. Around here in Cincinnati, we are at a balmy (yet sunny) thirteen degrees. Lets get a hot cup o joe (coffee) or cocoa (with marsh mellows) and get started.

Page One - The Week that Was or Wasn't: Saturday (yesterday) was one of those days when life's transgender changes seem to pile up. In chronological order, yesterday morning, I went and did the final work to get my Ohio drivers' license with the magical "F" under gender. I wrote yesterday about 50 years between Major license changes. What I meant Fiona was I got my original license when I was 16 and now I am 66. I got to thinking, does a half a decade sound better? Pretty intimidating to me-either way! Then, I didn't have much time to reflect upon the moment, as we Liz and I had to head up to Kettering, Ohio for my oldest Grandson's Bar Miftzfah. Being a grandparent, I had to do my duty and step up and in for what seemed like a million pictures with the family. I could only think that years later, future generations would look at the picture and see very (very likely) the immediate family's first transgender member. Although-my first wife (and mother of my daughter) has a trans man nephew. Indeed it is a small world.

Page Two- Yesterdays' Coffee - Opinion: As I rejoiced in the success of changing over my State of Ohio ID (driver's license), a trans girl friend of mine reminded me how difficult it is to do it. From Racquel: 
" Kick ass. Appeasing the Ohio BMV is no small feat. It took me over an hour on the phone just to get them to figure out which form to send me. Then you gotta get a shrink to certify you as trans enough. I can't help being proud from a "rite of passage" standpoint. But needing to beg for the permission of so many gatekeepers — having to satisfy doctors, therapists, the BMV, the State Dept, probate court, vital statistics, and the Social Security administration — is total BS."

Thanks Racquel! You see, she is much younger than me and I forget many don't have the benefit of a free therapist like I had being a trans vet. So, indeed my therapist had to approve my transness to enable me to start HRT. 

"BS" to be sure and my problem these days too is "treating" transgender youth (to prove their 'transness' has become a business of sorts. 

Page Three - The Back Page - Back to the Future?: Last night I literally had to stand up and do a "special reading"my Grandson chose for me in front of approximately 125 people. So, for the rest of the evening, it was tough to hide- if I wanted to. Plus, I saw more than a couple peeps I knew through my daughter from my male past. The top moment I suppose, was a rest room visit of all places. Liz and I were going to pee before the trip home and all of the sudden, it was "old home day." Seemingly, two or three women showed up from nowhere to have a bathroom chat-mostly about how much weight I have lost and how long my hair was from the last time they had seen me. At that moment, I knew the world had come full circle - at least for now.

Page Four- The Back Beat: As always, thanks soooooo much for stopping by the Condo. Hopefully, you are in a spot out of the snow and/or cold!