Just A Bit More Dangerous

Time it was again to color the gray out of my hair. In the past someone else has been entrusted to do what Momma Nature continues to make a bigger and bigger job. Liz has done it recently. This time though, my hair looked terrible, I had to head back up to my building for three or days and Liz had to work-so it was an emergency now or never for my hair. So, what's a girl to do? Beg of course. The problem was Liz was working, so all the begging in the world wouldn't work.  Her answer "basically" was 'get over it princess' unless you want to do the job yourself.  I did my best Huh? Hell yes I could do it myself!!!! Yay!! What a concept.

Before you think Liz is this ultra brave person though, remember this-she works at home so with a few warning shots from her like "how about reading the directions", off I went.  Actually, the bigger warning was a cheap shot I am still hearing from the first time I went really Ginger (red).  All was well when she put the color on and after 25 minutes, I was dutifully sent into the shower to rinse and condition.  What I didn't realize was my usual frolic in her shower made the walls look like a scene from the movie "Psyco".  As it turned out my faux "bloodletting" for the occasion, was not seen as a potential movie prop-but-a basis for a continual cheap shot. And, you guessed it, those were my famous last words today before my "rinse."

It was all good though. I punched my ticket on another of the mysterious girl tasks it takes to maintain a feminine external lifestyle.Plus, what Liz has not fully realized is, I am again a bit more dangerous. Not only can I pick out my color, I can put it on all by my self.  No more discussions about my choices!  Now I can already hear the first "what the hell did you do?"

Hey, that's an easy answer, "well it's your fault, you made me read the directions!"

It's Brutal

It seems the war against the gender bigots will never end, even when it seems to be increasingly senseless. Currently, states like Kentucky, Florida and Texas are the latest to attempt to pass discrimatory restroom laws against transgender citizens.

The only one of those states I can speak to personally is neighboring Kentucky as well as my hometown of Springfield,Ohio.  I don't hang around my hometown much anymore, but can tell you for a fact, anti LGBT local discrimination laws have been defeated by white and black church coalitions-in concert with conservative GOP leadership which goes all the way to the state legislature in Columbus.

Now, Kentucky.  To a person who only knows the state from coal mining stories and a few reality shows, there is much more than meets the eye. Far away from the "hollers", snake worshipers and moonshiners are the cities across the river from Cincinnati, Louisville, Lexington and other places which realize LGBT diversity is a key to development (and legality)

Which brings me to Alabama and it's Gulf Coast tourist campaign. Every time I see one of the commercials, in the background I hear the relatively chilling declarations of Alabama judges  against same sex marriage. I was transported back to the early days of the civil rights struggle in Alabama and I wondered if it was only me who thought I could spend my money elsewhere? Easy answer, elsewhere.

I also think some of us are too quick to dismiss pockets of bigotry by saying it's Alabama or Utah or wherever by saying the "good old boys" eat their young there.  And I feel sorry for the hard working people in the Alabama tourism business who have never considered what the rest of the bigots cost them.

Then again, maybe they do. After all, my hometown continues to be mired in it's misconception that it's a "good" place to raise a family. Then watch when their kids get the hell out of "Dodge"as quickly as they can, to greener much more diverse pastures such as Columbus. Then again, how would all those small town, small minded preachers and politicians keep their money coming?

Are You Listening??

I just know you have heard generics plead with the world to just listen to them.  I decided to list listening to me as the second biggest surprise of my Mtf transition.  Having said that, I knew women as a whole speak a different gender language and are more apt to be socialized to not be vocally aggressive -but really?  I also remember some of my earliest recollections interacting in the world when I was literally talked around and "over" by men. At the time, I assumed the more comfortable I would become, I could at least hold my own. 

 

These days though, I feel as if I am losing ground in the world, but I don't know if it is all bad.  One problem I know I have is with projecting a feminine voice. When I keep it low and soft, I have less vocal problems-I think. Plus,if you toss men out of the conversation, generics do have a tendency in my world to over talk each other. For the longest time, I did try to jump in, but now I just wait for the conversation to come to me.

I suppose it sounds like a clique, but my HRT years have taken the edge off my macho feelings and laying back I suppose makes me more "mysterious" - rather than a cynical pain in the rear.

Looking back though at the fateful day I started to transition, my expectations of how I would be able to communicate with the world, never felt like this! 

Survival in the Passing Lane?

Sometime ago I remember Stana on Femulate just rocking some hater/troll's world who told her she couldn't/wouldn't pass.I paraphrase but she (Stana) said "I always pass correctly. I make sure the lane is clear and use my turn signals properly." I loved her comment!

My perception of passing for years now goes back to what an long time cross dressing acquaintance said (again) a long time ago: I passed out of will power. Meaning, I was not a natural.  Although HRT has helped, I know I will never be a "natural" but that's OK too.

In many ways. I compare myself to one of the less than beautiful girls in school who overcame the shallow "appearance" factor to be a quality person.  She never lacked for friends.

Ironically, I was writing this post when I jumped over to Femulate and read Stana's latest post.  She wrote about "passing" meant women and men.  She is completely correct.  Women will check you from head to toe. Generics know the effort it takes to "present" at the highest level. They have to do it too.

So, these days, passing to me is having some sort of an idea of what is appropriate dress for the occasion to blend.  After I blend then I can pass and I am not writing at all about how I look. What tends to happen with me is, I have a tendency to keep interacting with a person or two I have met after the events/meetings Liz and I go to. Mind you, for whatever reason, these people are always generics. Men stay away for the most part, which is a topic for another blog post.

Finally, as much as I would like too, I must factor age into all of this. After all, I am 65 and I am far past being the sexiest person in the room. On the other hand, 65 brings a wealth of knowledge which I am just beginning to tap as a trans woman.  It is a narrow path to walk but so far I'm "passing" the test.

What if I Knew Then?

It's very difficult for me to believe how long ago it was when I set out on my MtF gender transition journey. I ask myself on occasion, if I knew then what I know now, would I do it?

Well, first off, I didn't really have a choice. I could have continued with my life-lying to myself and others about who I really am. Unlike so many others though (and myself for years), I had a door out of my own personal gender hell.

Give or take a few months, I think it has been five years since my decision. Not just pursuing HRT, but deciding to toss my male self in the dumpster.  In those days, I think I was out and about crossdressed three days a week back then. Out of all the blind curves I can expected to run into, my biggest transition surprise so far is seeing a feminine version of myself everyday.  My problems come from looking back at how far I have come, how far I have to go and what is the ceiling? What will I think of this post five years from now?

I have to tell you that although I can (and do) all the fun girly stuff like color my hair and do my nails. What I dreamed of years ago has become part of my daily existence these days.

Before you run off with misconceptions of about what I just wrote, in no way would I trade my spot in life today. Also, I can substitute "fun" for "enjoy." My example comes from last weekend when Liz and I were going to the Essex Studio's Art Walk here in Cincinnati. Earlier in the day, I had a chance to wash my hair which always brings out my natural waves and curls with a little mousse. I also had a chance to take off my old nail polish and put on a fresh coat of a new color which actually was a close match with my jewelry choice that evening. Finally, I picked an outfit which I thought was comfortable, a bit upscale and ideal for the occasion.

Certainly, five years ago, the day was just a fantasy I had of what a portion of my life would/could be like. The difference now is the planning and upkeep I need to do to stay up with it. Plus, coming into the Spring/Summer months, I will have to be more aware of my hair removal.  So, even though generics around me for years have gleefully told me "Welcome to our world."-that's all and good until you have to walk a mile in your shoes. That reminds me, I need a new pair of women's tennis shoes for the spring!  They certainly weren't on my shopping list five years ago.

Cyrsti's Condo "OOOOPPS!"

Un-identified cross dresser 

Ok dear, I told you there wasn't "another woman"-but you didn't want to believe me and wanted to meet her. Now you have since you came home early!

It Only Takes One

Perhaps you have heard the story of a generic in Midland, Michigan raising un-holy hell about an individual she assumed to be a man in the woman's locker room:
Yvette Cormier encountered someone she described as a “man” in that Planet Fitness locker room. “I wanted to know why there was a man in the women’s locker room,” she told CNN. “He [sic] looked like a man, and that’s what stopped me in my tracks.” Cormier complained to the front desk and then the corporate office, but Planet Fitness stood by its policy of gender identity inclusion. Unsatisfied with that result, Cormier returned to the gym every day the following week, constantly approaching other women to warn them about who she saw in the locker room.

The "person" in question was actually Carlotta Sklodowska a local transgender woman.  Planet Fitness did the right thing and kicked Cormier out but the story But (according to this Think Progress link) Cormier’s story indicates just how backwards the situation is for transgender people.Studies have shown that when transgender people use the restroom, they are the ones who experience discrimination and harassment, not cisgender women and children. Cormier spent several days telling everyone at the gym to fear the clothed “man” she saw one time in the locker room; Sklodowska hung up her coat and purse. (No naked shower mind you!)

On a personal level, I have written about my paranoia of using the proper restroom which has lingered with me from problems encountered years ago.  In fact,  I still have a friend from my past cross dressing days who doesn't believe "I have gone this far." (with the restroom thing.) On the positive side though, I am finding too, more and more gender neutral bathrooms.  The Dayton Veteran's Administration Hospital was a good example yesterday as was the "Essex Studio's" art complex in Cincinnati Saturday night. But, I have another example from yesterday.

Before my blood was taken, I was in the waiting room for approximately a half hour before my number was called.  During the last five minutes or so, a 40 something woman with her daughter sat down right across from me.  I didn't notice her until I suddenly looked up from my cell phone and saw that tell tale "smirk" on her face which truly I haven't seen for awhile.  As it turns out, I figured the woman was going to be admitted for neck "whip lash" from jerking her head to follow me back to the admittance area and even when I came out.  My "red neck dar" was on and I figure she would be the one who would call security about a "man" in the woman's room.  She didn't have the chance since both restrooms were unisex. So all she has to worry about now is her neck injuries!

And, good for you Planet Fitness!!!! 

Don't Try This at Home?

Following yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post concerning my endocrinologist increasing my estrogen patch strength, Jeni S. commented that after a certain point-it is wasted in your body. That it is, and most certainly if you try to overdose on it, you will not be sprouting the DD breasts of your dreams by next month.

What Jeni neglected to point out (along with me), estrogen can be extremely dangerous too.  I have met more than a couple of middle aged trans women who have damaged their body's from un- monitored HRT. In fact yesterday, the generic taking my blood, took the opportunity to "warn" me too.  I simply said, that exactly is why I am seeing the endocrinologist down the hall.

Let's be careful and patient out there girls-don't become a patient.

Flying Under the Radar?

Photo by Ryan Pfluger 

Connie passed this Amanda Simpson story along:  "The past few months have seen some big moments for transgender rights — from the State of the Union to the Emmys. But, outside the spotlight, there's a quieter progress being made. Hard-working, successful trans leaders are rising in the ranks of government and business — with less fanfare than their celebrity counterparts, but perhaps with even greater impact.
One such person is Amanda Simpson. In 2010, she made history as the first openly trans woman to be appointed by the Obama (or any) administration. Today, she’s the executive director of the U.S. Army Office of Energy Initiatives, where she works to build large-scale renewable energy projects to power Army installations.

It's an interesting place for a transgender woman to work: Simpson is a civilian appointee, but she works for the Army, which, like the entire Department of Defense, bans trans people from serving in uniform. Recently, there have been some inklings that this may change: Ashton Carter, the new Defense Secretary, said last week that he supports allowing transgender people to serve in the military, and the President’s Press Secretary said Obama had an “open mind” about it."

Thanks Connie!!!!