Going Back to My Roots

Before I get too far into this post, no I am not talking about my hair roots! I'm writing about my very dark years in the cross dressing closet and realizations how the past has effected my present.  First of all, I'm always surprised when peeps think I have magically arrived at this point in my life without a tremendous amount of stress and tension. Very simply, I almost didn't live through it. Connie said it best- we are survivors.  In most all transgender cases (to quote a movie line and twist it) "it's not the years-it's the mileage too."

Recently, I have been revisiting my past by reliving it through others.  On one side, there is Gena I'm chatting with.  She is in her 60's deeply closeted except for a semi understanding spouse and beginning to think she is trans. Then there is Maria with her Cross Dresser's Wife blog. And, finally last night there was Kadijah who by accident ended up sitting beside me at a Creative Society of Cincinnati meeting. 

All of these dots connect. All take me back to my roots.  Gena is self explanatory.  We share the same age and probably if not for certain extenuating circumstances she could be in a similar situation as I am. Maria on the other hand most likely shares much of the same problems/opportunities which my wives have had from loving a cross dresser or transgender woman. (And more I will mention in another post.) And then there is Kadijah who was a "civilian" until last night.  At these meetings, Liz primarily networks her beadwork, knitting etc. and I use them to "hawk" my book Stilettos on Thin Ice.  Of course, as I do, I automatically out myself as I did with her when she asked what my book is all about.  Anymore my simple answer is my sometimes painful story of living a lie as a cross dresser until I came out and transitioned as transgender.  It turned out Kadijah was a 30 something very talented artist from here in Cincinnati and we ended up having a fascinating conversation which went way past being trans.

Never a dull moment! Thank goodness!

It's Not All About Me

Yesterday, I was making my way through the grocery store on a decidedly snowy winter day, I was immersed in buying only a few items to get us by at  the house.  As I was stopped at the salad department finally fighting off the cold in my long wool coat, I heard this voice behind me say "can I help you sir?"

I briefly thought "Really??" until I turned around and saw the real sir the produce clerk was talking to-not me.  So I guess it's true, it's not all about me.

Lewis Carroll said it best.

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Over the years I think I have seen over a million on line pictures of anything from the most off the wall fetish cross dressers to the most beautiful transgender women.  For my own purposes I put together a checklist of sorts.  In a picture, I basically look for drastic photo shopping, where it was taken and who took it.  Was the picture taken outside, with a group etc...only then do I backtrack from appearance (or whatever initially drew me to it.)

Recently I found a set of pictures from Alex Cole on Pinterest.  I think she represents the joy and style of presenting herself as a woman and decided to pass along a picture here.  To see more, go to Pinterest and search for her!

Almost Equal Time?

Connie obviously didn't think kindly about my suggestion of any similarities between her and reality TV (not CD) person Mick Dodge and she even tossed the age card at me! 

Although I have visited the rain forest on the Kitsap Peninsula a few times in the past, and I actually do live on a peninsula on the Puget Sound in Seattle, I have, thus far, been able to dodge Mick. BTW, this peninsula is partially made up of Discovery Park, which was once Fort Lawton - where Cyrsti once was stationed. Of course, they hadn't change the name at that time, because Cyrsti had not come to really "discover" herself yet. Funny that my house overlooks the park, and I am still overlooking Cyrsti today. (Back to Mick) I even grew a beard one time at the ill-conceived advice of a therapist who thought he could "cure" me. While I'll admit to being a survivalist, I never was anything like Mick, nor was the Hoh Rain Forest named after me. I do wonder, though: If a tree fell on Cyrsti's Condo, would anyone hear it?


Hmmmn Connie, if I was techno advanced enough, I suppose I could add tree sound to the blog!  As far as Ft. Lawton goes, does having a drill sergeant at Ft. Knox by the name of Custer count? (True story!)  He tried to overlook me too Connie because he was about four inches shorter.

I have added a rather heavily (OK Really Photo Shopped) Pic from Connie's Facebook page above. Below is what she really looks like from her forest as she waits for a tree to fall. Or is looking for "magic mushrooms."

Up Date

Several of you have asked if I have heard or read any further information on the young pagan transgender woman in Akron, Ohio who was slain from her "demon's" by her father.  The reposts I have read still say (more or less) "Bri" was migrating back towards Brian during the last year.

My only "guess" is Bri leaned towards being gender fluid and was searching for gender roots.  Plus, as some of you may know, my partner Liz is a Wiccan (closely related to Pagan's in beliefs).  So, I know enough about it to be dangerous.  It's quite possible (like me) Bri was exploring a spirituality which is largely feminine based and similar to the ancient Native American cultures, acceptors of a Two Spirited person.

Now, since I'm guessing, Bri's hometown of Akron, Ohio is actually clear across the state from me and is yet another decimated old rust belt industrial city. I would think it would not be the ideal environment for a person with a crazy father- if you are searching for a gender identity.

Of course I have my biases and ideas-but that's all they are-unfortunately.

"Shades of L?"

Some time ago I found myself in a conversation with a generic about my sexuality.  She called me gay. I said I am not gay, I am trans.  She said didn't I say my partner was a lesbian. I said yes and she said-OK you are gay. The experience leads me to this discussion of how we- as transgender or cross dressers are accepted in the world and how (like it or not) we are all linked together.  Often, not under positive circumstances.

Like some others of you. I have been totally embarrassed by the actions of others in my so called community. To be truthful, fetish cross dressers. I only care about their lifestyles when it intrudes with mine.  One night in particular comes to mind when a certain group came in to a gay venue I was in and in effect trashed the women's room.  (The place had a sizeable lesbian presence that night.) Of course I distanced myself from them.

Switching gears a bit, I have always found connecting the dots between all the various gender and sexual spectrums of this is fascinating.  For example, take (again) the cross dressers who use dressing as a woman as an "excuse" to have sex with another man or transgender "admirers" who may feel the same.  Then if you begin to throw all the various "shades of L" in with generics-the fun really begins. 

First of all, those of us raised male simply (naturally) do not have a perception of what it is like to grow up generic and a lesbian one.  Why wouldn't it be a so called inclusive and increasingly enabled club similar to cis gay men?  Thus, transgender women have to get up to speed quickly to just be admitted to the club at all.  Plus, if you are a Mtf trans person and still prefer women sexually, you stand a better chance of being perceived as yet a bigger "wolf in sheep's clothing".  Some of you have mentioned the "Butch" lesbian community and my experiences have told me I don't even show up on their radar.  My one exception was a hundred years ago in a hard core butch bar. One of the regulars said she said I didn't look too bad and she should maybe "take me home with her." Lots of sexual tension after a free beer and that comment!

OK, I am tired of all these dots. Finally, I don't totally understand the reluctance to accept the trans women into the world of women at large.  Sure, most of us were raised male but have given up all of that perceived male privilege to enter a feminine world that half us are willing to kill ourselves to get to. Furthermore, we share the same nasty problems of male abuse as generics do-but worse not to mention the we just don't get paid less-we don't get paid at all.  

But, we are capable of adding a full rich spectrum of experience and knowledge to women everywhere.  We just have to quit being our own worst enemy and prove our worth to the feminine community as a whole.

Lesbian's, Trans Nazi's and Mick Dodge?

First of all, maybe you all are asking just who the hell is Mick Dodge?  Mick is yet another reality TV "star" who happens to come from Connie's "neck of the woods" in the Hoh Rainforest region of the Pacific Northwest. My question is how long has it been since Connie been hanging out in the "Hoe Forest" and could it be that Mick (below) is actually a pre transitioned version of Connie?



And, on we go with Connie's comments: (for all the fun I make of her- I agree with both!)

"Years ago, I was involved in a "discussion" with a Lesbian woman who, to put it more nicely, refuted the validity of my gender identity. She just couldn't come to grips with the gender/sex separation. Before it got too nasty, though, I told her, "Well, I guess that the difference between butch and bitch is "u" and "I". She laughed and bought me a drink!

On a side note, I admit to having avoided a certain group of (self proclaimed) cross dressers for quite some time. To (some of) them, I am a bitch because of that. Cyrsti, you may even put me into the TransNazi class for that. But, my avoidance is not because I consider myself to be superior in the "gender spectrum", rather, it is because I have a different identity of self that does not include what I perceive to be their exhibitionistic motivation for going out in public. I like to say that these people re-create themselves for the purpose of recreation. I had tried that for a short time, but I learned that it just didn't fit. This doesn't mean that I don't support and accept them any more or less than I do anyone within the LGBTQ community. For me, I had spent so many years struggling alone with my gender identity, and the more I've become self-assured, the more independent I've become. I don't think that I'm so different than many in this respect. Still, I believe the important thing is that we do respect each other as fellow human beings. Sometimes, though, the more narrowly we define ourselves, the more we distance ourselves. Or......maybe it's like a teenager who asks Mom to drop him off a block ahead of school - the fear of embarrassment does not diminish the love, though"

More to come! This is a huge topic.

Connie, Connie, Connie?

This morning when I opened the Cyrsti's Condo comment page to review, I saw I had been really "smooched" by the "Seattle Bombshell" or just bombed "Connie."  Before I head out on the tundra, I thought I would share one.

First of all, since she is from Seattle, Connie is a coffee snob. She commented: "The only thing that is disappointing here is that you get your coffee at a gas station. YUK"  What she doesn't know is all the attention I get from the tree company guys!!! On the other hand-  She (Connie) is stuck watching a bunch of Frazier reruns in a Seattle coffee shop, all the time wondering if she had a chance with Frazier's closeted gay brother Niles.

Her second point was much more serious and it concerned a transgender woman's often rough interactions with lesbians... coming up next!

Cyrsti's Condo "Vintage Looks"

Remember Jim Bailey? Female impersonator extraordinaire!