Transgenderism: Disorder or Destiny

Some feel if you don't feel totally sure you are not living your life in your chosen gender at an very early age, somehow you are a transgendered impostor.
Some feel your feminist is measured somehow by the number of operations or the amount of hormones you have taken.
Only you know for sure what gender you identify with or the one you think you identify with.
In my case I thought I knew I wanted to be a girl but I didn't dare wish it was possible. Being part of a family with WWII /depression age parents didn't make life any easier. My situation was so completely different from some of the family stories I read about today, I can't even imagine it
So I guess you can say my slow transition in life was destiny. In a sense, the process wasn't so much "the farther I went-the more I needed". It was "the more I loved it".
As I write this I can say this is the first night I have experienced some soreness in my breasts and it is the first time in my life I have liked soreness!
The best part of destiny is a greater appreciation of the changes I'm going through.
So I guess I'm guilty of not being sure I wanted to be female at the age of 6. I'm also guilty of not assuming my genitalia determines my gender.  Even if I ever go for sex change surgery (or not) an operation will not determine my inner gender.
Gender disorder or destiny does not really matter if we become at peace with ourselves and others!

Internalizing the "She".

OK, I'm going to admit to you I do a lot of talking to myself.
If you read the blog much that will not surprise you I know!
A couple days ago I discovered myself self making a HUGE mistake. I was internally using the male pronoun "he" with myself. 
Here's an example. I'm a great believer in internal motivation but I started to catch myself in something like "boy let's get to it" not "come on girl!"
Sometimes it seems this entire transgendered path is filled with obvious gender holes to fill- not unlike a new video game.
Once you are pretty sure you have most of the process together, here comes talking yourself as a guy???
My excuse is I'm into changing another lifelong process and some would argue I should have acted on it long ago. I am not even going down that rant!

The fun part is answering myself and you know what that means!!!!!!

Vote For Pejic!

Such a shame I have politics on the brain already.  The Republic primaries and the very beginning of the ton of anti-Obama ads we will see heading to the presidential election have gotten my attention.
The campaign I'm writing about is yet another modeling coup for Andrej Pejic. The video I'm passing along is mainly in French (I so am bad at French) but I can tell you Pejic is supposedly ready to sign a major mainstream perfume contract. Wouldn't it be fun to see him on mainstream television ads? Would some of the girl scouts and the legislator in Tennessee boycott their product?
Sorry, I had to go there. Here is the video:

Trans Woman Appointed in Columbia

Tatiana Pinero

From "Columbia Reports"  comes a very positive story!


"Bogota's mayor has appointed the capital's first transgender public official, as director of corporate management in the city's Social Integration Department.
In an interview with El Espectador, newly-appointed director Tatiana Piñero expressed her admiration for Bogota's new Mayor Gustavo Petro, and his support for LGBT issues.
Piñero described Petro as "a person who recognizes diversity, who respects and values people for their work, and not whether they are African, LGBT or indigenous."
The department in which she is taking up her position is described as responsible for the development and implementation of social policies which guarantee citizens of Bogota "the ability to exercise their rights, in conditions of equality."
Terrific!

The Small Things in a Transgendered Life.

Didn't seem possible but today was time to call in my first estrogen and Spiro refills..
Of course I took a bit of more time to reflect on what changes occurred during  my first month on HRT. (Jan 30)
Previously, I have mentioned a couple real changes in my overall personality plus a new sensitivity in my breast area.
Overall I have been quite a bit more mellow for whatever reason-until this morning.
I just had this unreasonable paranoia this morning that for some reason the VA wouldn't refill my meds. When the automated system said yes the meds were refillable and on their way, I first felt relief then a real sense of satisfaction. I really was doing all of this and it is not a dream I will wake to some day.
Today was also fun when I discovered I could actually tie my hair back into a "itty bitty" pony tail for the first time in my life.
The only drawback was when I noticed I was ditzing out and taking half of the "Spiro" that was prescribed. If you didn't know, "Spiro" is essentially a blood pressure medicine that reduces or "blocks" testosterone.
Being the math genius I am, I saw I had twice as much of one prescription left as the other. Both were filled at the same time for one month. DUH!
Perhaps I would have seen a bit more changes?
At any rate, the past is the past and the present feels pretty good right now!
I go to the Doc again on Wednesday, so we will see how that goes.

No Pain - No Gain?

It's life's lessons-good and bad that bring us to the point we are today.  No big surprise I know.
Sometimes when I think I have this transgendered journey down to perfection and I can exist in society as my chosen gender I get a slap in the face.
An example came one day when I was out by myself in an antique mall.  I always find the experience relaxing and fun. This time I was coming off of a solid week of positive public feedback on my female presentation.
Maybe I was getting careless or sloppy but I got totally busted by three guys who happened to be standing around at the door.
Now I know situations such as that with men lead to intense scrutiny of any woman.
What infuriates me is that I still get tense in those situations and we all know any blood in the water will bring out the sharks.
At any rate the moment came and went  I'm sure the three guys went home with the story of the big stunning blond they saw at the antique mall-but not so much.
The reassuring point of all of this now is I don't feel the need to go back to the drawing board for some sort of major overhaul.
My basics are sound and the fact remains I'm never going to present female to 100% of the public all of the time. (Unless I went under the knife for facial feminizing surgery.)
I know as the hormones I'm on reshape my body and as my hair grows to the point I can wear it in public; all of that will make a huge difference.
Regardless though, experiencing painful lessons and learning from them is still in my immediate  future!
Confidence and attitude keep the sharks out of the water.

You Have Now Entered the "Transition" Zone

Perhaps some  of you "more mature" readers remember "The Twilight Zone" television series.
As a youth, the  mixture of self-contained drama, psychological thriller, fantasy, science fiction, suspense, or horror, often concluding with a macabre or unexpected twist at times kept me up past bed time with the lights on.
The "Transition Zone" often has provided some of the same effects on me. I have spent sleepless nights, although not so many with the lights left on.
Drama/Suspense? Well certainly more than I would like but not as much as some would imagine. Suspense? More than I would like on occasion. How do I or how will I present as female is fading. The suspense goes with it.
Horror? Outside of the last verbal attack I sustained in the restroom not so long ago-not much thank God!
Fantasy? I'm living it! I've said many times I can not believe how fulfilling my life is becoming.
Macabre? NO!!!!!!
Psychological thriller? Depends who you talk to. I feel very normal as a transgender woman. Some would consider that alone as a psychological problem. I don't and that's all that matters.
Unexpected twists? Many of them! Anyone who thinks changing gender directions isn't a complex learning process just hasn't lived as a transgendered person. Every time I think I'm ahead of the curve and have an idea of the whole process, along comes an unexpected twist!

Science Fiction? Well, I have always been fond of a few of the short crew women's uniforms on the "Enterprise".  I know what you are thinking, doesn't that go under "fantasy"? I will never tell!!!!
I don't have much more to add from my "Transition Zone".
Now, where's my cable tv show? 

Trans Women Find Jobs Are Hard to Find

Unemployed transgendered model from India.

Where's My Chocolate Mocha Ice Cream?

I have find myself entranced again by the women in chick flix  Months ago I caught myself following intently the interaction between women and men in a certain movie I was watching-totally from a female perspective.
Now, all of a sudden again I'm watching and learning more on a whole different level.
By the luck of the draw recently, several movies came along showing  female leads being hurt deeply by the men in their lives. At one point of time I would have looked at the emotions from a male point of view. Sure the men were wrong, but what were they going to do to get themselves "out" of the predicament.I  really only considering the woman's perspective from an anger viewpoint. After all they were only being irrational females.
My, how times have changed..
Now I feel the joy, the uncertainty and the pain of the women I watch on the screen.  When I watch a close up of Katherine Hepburn staring into the eyes of Spencer Tracy, I feel her emotion.
I didn't set out to do this on purpose. I grew into it over the last year or so.
I have compared the process to one of a young girl growing up. The process of course I missed in my life.
Many times I have been asked or have wondered was I just covering up my real female self. The obvious answer is yes I probably was or maybe I was just clueless. Really. none of it matters now because the process now is now so real.
So yes I am learning and feeling and growing from the "chic flix" I watch.
The obvious benefits are the natural ones as I grow in my new world.

Please excuse me, the next movie is starting!