So Little Time-So Much Thought

As my time grows ever closer to severing my ties with the most invasive male portion of my life, I find it harder and harder to stay focused on my job. My job is the only real part of my life I live as a male. It is until the first of the year...I am done. (Yes I do have a way to support myself.)
Here's an example from today.
I do have a circle of friends who know me in one of three ways-only as a guy, only as a girl or maybe both (rare). On occasion I communicate with them by text message. I'm the first to admit "texting" is not the greatest form of communication and I have been known to text my friends who only know my real self (girl) from my male job.
Here's my question. Do I text more as a guy when I'm working as one? Is that possible? I know what you are thinking "Cyrsti has too much time on her hands if she all she has to do is think of this?" Ironically I'm thinking of this while I am working!
The point is I do think my remaining maleness does creep into my texting and I am certain I go through "detox" when I come home from my job. Even my texting is different. I think.
Also, another interesting answer to a long standing question is coming soon.  What will be the most powerful influence on my life? Will the lack of a male "detox" period in my life or the effects of hormones have quickest effect. I'm sure many of you reading this have gone through the same process and have your own answer. I'm guessing you would tell me "detox" will have the biggest initial impact until the hormones begin to really take effect. Then again all of our results are highly personal and will vary.
One point is certain. No one should ever wish time away.  I'm trying hard not to wish part of this month away.  So far I haven't been very successful.

Say It "Ain't" So!

Sit down and prepared to be SHOCKED!

Khloe Kardashian is being sued by a transgender woman who claims Khloe
beat the crap out of her outside a Hollywood nightclub.

Chantal Spears -- also know as Ronald Spears -- claims on December 5,
2009, Khloe violently struck her "in and about her body," causing
serious injuries.

TMZ broke the story ... the incident occurred outside Playhouse
nightclub on Hollywood Blvd., after Chantal/Ronald allegedly walked up
to Lamar and told him he was "too young to be married."

I'm devastated! I will never watch trash television the same again!

Telling Others I'm Transgendered

I actually wanted to call this post "If I Knew Then What I Know Now."
Then I thought, I didn't know it then so who cares? It seems maybe I do.
Should I have come out to more people earlier in my life?
Compared to others, I guess I actually did. I've told all of you before both of my wives knew of my transgendered leanings. Indirectly both of them enabled me to learn more about my feminine side.
I compare the process to walking up to a sharp steep cliff.  Each step I took as a girl took me a little closer to that cliff. Deep down I knew once I jumped there would be no return.
Or so I thought.
For most of my life, the thought actually scared me. Sure I loved the feminine existence I was learning but I also wasn't sure I could live it full time.
So I waited and sometimes put myself and my loved ones through hell. They were better humans than I.  On occasion they helped me, sympathized with me and even shamed me into making a decision I just couldn't make.
Until now.
Right or wrong I rationalize not telling others more earlier in my life or accepting the reality of a feminine existence because I still valued my male life.
Every time I crept closer to the cliff and looked over, he kept pulling me back.
What he never counted on was the incredible strength and endurance of the woman he was fighting.
As she looks back at him and jumps off the cliff, she just smiles and says you could have saved so many so much suffering.
If only I knew then what I know now.....

And...Speaking of Lea T...

She just landed her first major magazine cover.

Teen Transsexuals

Should young transsexuals be allowed to change sex at such an early age? Certainly, it's a question sure to raise many opinions!
Here is another story from the UK about a 16 year old transsexual. "Jack to Jackie's" story comes from the "Yorkshire Evening Post".

Of course I'm biased-even envious to a degree of a young transsexual who has the courage and the support to follow her or his convictions How much easier would have my life been if I totally knew and accepted what was going on with me at a younger age!. BUT, I do understand the concept of a person so young making such a huge decision.is very scary.
In many cases, the choice of changing genders comes down to a "life or death" decision. Either the young person changes genders or wants to die.
The fortunate ones like "Jackie" (shown above) are supported by their families. The unfortunate transgender youth disappear to the streets or worse yet try to commit suicide.
In that case, change is for the better!

The Prettiest Boy In The World

Model sensation Andrej Pejic may indeed be the prettiest boy in the world and is the model of gender contradictions.
A recent example is when he went to meet the Queen of England in a skirt. Pejic described his outfit that night to  "British Vogue":
"I'm wearing a Paul Smith blazer, because I wanted to wear at least one British designer, with a vintage Versace pencil skirt and just some heels," Pejic told us as he got ready for the event. "I wanted to just be myself - androgynous - and play with the masculine blazer and pencil skirt. It's also a bit Nineties, which I love."
Whilst not transgender, Pejic is comfortable to dress in women's
clothes if the shoot or show demands it but, far from being the blank
canvas he hoped, this has seen him pigeonholed as part of the new
gender "trend" - a phenomenon which also includes Brazilian
transsexual model Lea T.

Pejic has commented that both models are placed in the same
 category, but our look is very different.  He said  "Lea has been extremely brave in being very honest about her journey - but I don't
 really see myself as being here to challenge transgender stereotypes. I'm just myself. It's taken a while to be
taken seriously,  but I hope to prove that I'm very versatile and that
I'll still be here after the phenomenon has passed."

Or when he gets the sex change he said he would get to land a "Victoria's Secret" contract?

Another Step Down My Transgender Path

I took another step yesterday in  my quest to finally fill the hormone prescriptions with my local VA.
In  a previous post I mentioned my medical doctor wrote the "scripts" and wanted blood work  I was scheduled to have done anyway at the VA.
He gave me the proper paperwork to have the extra tests done and to send them to him.
I had a day off yesterday and went in guy drag to my local clinic and gave the nurse the extra paperwork/instructions. First of all she said she couldn't do any extra tests without the permission of my VA doc.- until she read the reason for the extra tests. The reason was listed as hormone tests as I was a male to female transsexual. The words seemed to take on a life of their own and jumped off the paper.
In the meantime, the nurse said hold on a minute. 
She went to get the lead nurse and they studied the paperwork for a second (seemed like hours) and said just take a extra portion of blood.
Then the most amazing thing happened.  The nurse's whole demeanor towards me changed.  She became softer and even started to explain her daughter's shopping bonanza after Thanksgiving.
She was so nice even to the point of doing the little female touch as she talked to me about the tests.
Yet another difficult situation of coming out to a total stranger came and went with positive results. I am very fortunate!
I went ahead and made an appointment with my VA doc before Christmas.  What a gift it would be if he sends me straight to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousnad Words!

I find this striking picture of an illegal Mexican transgender woman to be almost haunting in it's portrayal of her. I see a powerful yet painful femininity enhanced with the kids in the photo.

The photo credit comes from the AP and Isabel Castro.

"Castro" is working on a documentary that will share the tale of three transgender women from Mexico who fled to Los Angeles. “Crossing Over” focuses on Francis Murillo, Brenda Gonzalez and Abigail Madariaga. All three come from rural areas of Mexico and suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of family, friends and police because they are transgender.
The story comes from "The Stamford Connecticut Main Street Connect".
I was so overpowered by the picture, reading much of the article was almost anticlimactic.

 

Finally!

The day finally arrived and I made it unharmed and on time to my doctors appointment.
I had to calm myself down and make sure I would be able to ask all the questions I wanted to. If you are new to the blog, the "Doc" I'm referring to is the medical doctor who is advising and prescribing  my female hormones.
My basic questions concerned how fast changes would occur and how much control would I have over it.
As it turned out, I really didn't have to ask very many questions at all. I had heard this doctor was very experienced with transgendered hormone therapy and it showed!
First of all he asked me a couple basic questions. How long and how much had I lived a female existence and how far did I want to go?
I told him I was still living a dual gendered existence but not for long. Within a month I would be severing my last ties to living as a man when I quit my job.
Ultimately, I don't see major sex reassignment surgery in my future but do feel the need to further feminize my body and emotions with hormones.
At this point he told me what the process would and could be if I chose to follow it.  He would prescribe me estrogen and a testosterone reducer. He recommended a slow and steady dose of both to let me "grow" into the changes. At the same time,  he told me how much of a dosage would quicken the process and how much of a dosage would be "toxic" to me if I abuse it.
The slower process appeals to me. After all I have spent many years getting to this point, so why push it now.
Of course I wondered how long the slower process would take to produce what sort of results.
This is what he said. The best breast development he had ever seen was a full "B" cup. (Genetics play a factor I hear and my Mom was well endowed.) Of course my body hair will thin as will my beard. Conversly the thick head of hair I'm already blessed with should get thicker. Finally, over the space of a year I should begin to experience the fat deposits which will give me more feminine hips, skin tone and a lessening of my muscle mass.
Having said all of this, your results may vary!
A whole other story is how all this fits in with the VA. More on that later as it is still unfolding.
Those closest to me have asked how I feel? The answer is it is a surreal feeling to have made it to this point. Perhaps the toughest part is staying grounded as I let the process play out.