Reach Out!

Every once in a while I get a blast of new contact requests on "Yahoo" and "Flicker"
Some I respond to, some I don't and many I don't understand.
I have waded through the "avatars" and now I have more exclamation points than all the elementary school alphabets in Ohio.
I can understand the point of staying safe on the internet and creating layers of exclamation points to conceal your identity...really I can.
I guess what I don't understand is the total silence I normally get from the "point". I'm ready for something exciting!
Ok, in reality I'm looking for anything. "Hey girl, you look amazing!" Or even "Did your Mom dress you funny because you haven't learned anything!"
Maybe I'm being stalked? Will I turn around this weekend and see an exclamation mark following me down the street?
No I won't because the "point" is in the closet. Been there, done it and was fortunate enough to get out.  Even in my deepest and darkest days, I was able to peak out and meet someone.
Good luck all you "points"! I'm rooting for you!

How Do You Feel?

When you wake up, Before you get your coffee. You make your way to the bathroom and the mirror.
I'm fond of telling others, it's at this point if something on my body doesn't hurt...then I'm dead.
Recently I ran across another description of my life.  "Gender Fluid" is the descriptor and it really works for me on some mornings. Those are the mornings when I start the day as a man and end as a woman.
The situation is definately not where I want to be right now. On the other hand, my gender status is similar to my joint's  aches and pains.  If I didn't have it...I could be dead!

Famous?

I don't want to be famous! I didn't set out on this very difficult path to be in the white hot spot light. I'm a bit dramatic, I know!
A couple of nights ago I did find out I have made some sort of social arrival.
At my favorite pub (I'm always boring you with) they hired a new male server. He really tries to speak to me and even introduced himself.
At my advanced age I can't remember my name, let alone anybody else's, 
To be polite,I asked the bartender what his name was.  I quickly added I felt bad because he knew my name and I didn't know his.
Without hesitation she said "every one knows you...you are famous."
There are many ways to interpret that.
I guess famous is nice. The crew and managers are very nice to me and fortunately I present well enough to cause very little extra attention. It's our own little secret.
I work very hard to maintain my "status" and live in fear of a restroom complaint.
One side of me wants to rejoice. To those people I'm a positive transgendered role model.
The questioning side of me wants to ask why? If I presented better, they would have never known (like most of the clientele).
Maybe it is all karma. If a "stealth" life is in my future, I would have to trade in my "famous" existence. Hopefully others can benefit!

Transgender Flirting?

What happens mentally or chemically when we flirt? Could we or should we even consider flirting?
Oddly, I think if you are a drop dead gorgeous transgendered girl maybe you shouldn't. A sexual surprise to more than a few guys is not pleasant and they retaliate.
Since I'm not in that category and in the more mature age category (lol), why not have a little fun if I can.
My prime example was the married man across the bar I mentioned in a previous post. The "not so sly" eye game we played could be viewed as a form of flirting. Who knows what he really thought? Anything from why is that guy dressed like that to what is she doing all by herself? Most certainly, he was in town and wife wasn't so the mental wheels were turning in his head.
All of this is just another gender category I'm almost completely inexperienced with. Research is always good and this is some of what I found. "Learn to Flirt Like A Pro" from "Your Tango" was a great start. One of many informative ideas was the " flirty dressing style", which in that case was: low-cut jeans and cowboy boots. If you feel really powerful in cowboy boots, you're going to do your best flirting if you feel confident.
My "guy self" experience tells me  that most women are very calculating in most situations and flirting is one of those. I need the tools to "calculate!"  I just don't have the experience (yet) to process it from a girl's perspective.
As I have learned, any knowledge can serve me well when unexpected situations arise! Get to it Girl!

Seeing What Isn't There?

Or is it? We do so much with mirrors in a transgendered life. We mirror a gender we weren't born as but feel at piece with.
All of society is a mirror. We are not unique in that aspect. Growing up in our birth gender, most of us tried hard to to mirror what we thought society and families wanted us to be. The problem was the mirror was distorted.
The image it gave us was different than we felt and even different than we really looked. I've mentioned my confusion and frustration with my mirror several times Here is an example from a post I wrote last summer called "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall".
Please tell me I'm the fairest of them all!
On occasion, the mirror does tell me that. Then again, the mirror has been known to fib!
I have always had a struggle with that mean old mirror.
It told more than a thousand times I was beautiful only to be stared and laughed at in the first public venue I visited.
More than once the mirror said "you are plain and unattractive" and I never had a problem.
Before you want to jump to conclusions concerning the mirror's judgment, let me reassure you I passed through "transgendered puberty" years ago. I don't frequent malls and such in a micro mini and 5" heels.
Luckily, before I tossed the mirror into the trash heap , we called a compromise.
I told the mirror what I wanted to achieve and we have been working together to be successful.
My ideal was to be a 40ish, big and curvy girl. (My age and size made that a reality! lol) 45 and 5'10".
No real surprise with any of this. Society is obsessed with self image and males are obsessed with female image.
As transgendered women we struggle many times to show what is there. Our inner female self. Unless you are fortunate enough to have a sympathetic spouse or friend, you are on your own with the mirror. Not an easy task but there are many alternatives.  You may have transgendered support groups in your area that either have makeover parties or recommend places to go. If you are brave enough, go to a department store makeup counters and find a person who will help not just sell you something. I had a friend who had great success with a "Mary Kay" lady.
The important point here is that you are not fooling the mirror or a person, you are becoming the person you were meant to be. It has taken me literally years to get to this point.
One thing is certain. Society's obsession with looks is not going away anytime soon. Our challenge is to let our self image shine through the best we can!

Transgender History 101

This article comes from the "South Florida Gay News"
"The fifth annual Tribeca/ESPN Sports Film Festival will include the world premiere of Renée, a documentary exploring the story of Renée Richards, the first transgender tennis player to compete in the women’s US Open. Directed by Eric Drath, Renée is full of rare archival footage and interviews with close friends and family members -- as well as tennis legends Martina Navratilova, John McEnroe and Billie Jean King – and explores the surprising and affecting human story behind one of America’s first transgender people in the public eye."
Living in the fast moving world as we do, I believe it is important  to remember our "transgendered pioneers."
Dr. Richards was certainly one of them.
If you haven't read her first book, it's a great read about her journey...and inexpensive!

I'm Changing. REALLY Changing!

A former neo-Nazi skinhead has had a change of direction - by changing sex, becoming a nurse and joining a left wing party.

Monika Strub, an ex-member of Germany's neo-Nazi NPD party, is running for Baden-Württemberg's state parliament for the Social Democrats.
She said: "I am not trying to hide my past and I never have done, either from the fact that I was a man or the fact that I was a member of the far right scene - but now I am a different person and I have completely broken ties with the NPD. I am a true socialist."
From the "Orange News"!
Hey, what the biggest change? Gender or Politics?

Pink Boys

I am fascinated by the amount of material coming to light concerning non gender conforming kids. I am envious of the fact these "possibly" transgendered kids are provided a path not even imagined in my generation.
On the other hand, I am so happy for them!
I followed a succession of links to get to this quote:
"Playing chauffeur to both kids, I end up picking up Oscar and uncle on a street-corner outside the mall. As I wait at the curb I find myself studying a tall girl with shoulder length hair in a cinched dark navy coat. Then I experience the shock that so many feel on seeing my willowy, twelve year old boy.
The girl is my boy."
This came from "Accepting Dad". This blog is actually a link from the "Sarah Hoffman" blog "On parenting a boy who is different."
A really positive look on a brighter future for transgendered individuals in the future!

Transgendered Fun?

Had it coming. Do it all the time. Single woman sitting at a bar. A single transgendered woman at that. I'm not that stupid to realize the dynamic has all changed. Single guy at the bar normal-woman target. No problem for me the last couple of years...until this week.
I sat down a couple nights ago in a regular pub I go to.Just wanted to enjoy a night off following a hard weekend of work. Started my usual "girl talk" I value so much with "G" the bartender. Before my beverage had been on the bar for five minutes, here he comes and sits down beside me at a largely unpopulated bar. I looked at "G" and had to decide to stay and fight or run from the look she gave me. She slyly told me this was not his first visit to the pub today and was not necessarily harmful but a load none the less.
I decided to stay and see if I could have a little fun with the guy. He was pretty sure I was out to "pick up" a man or a woman. (as he put it). Which did I prefer if he wasn't getting too personal. I told him he was and wouldn't he really like to know what I preferred to pick up? Case closed. Case opened on problems with spouse. (surprise). After two and half (free) beers I was able to escape his whining when he went to the bathroom. I was gone!
I need to tell you I probably sound like an alcoholic. Here's my disclaimer. My weekend really starts on Monday and winds up on Tuesday. Most of my stories are from those two days. Not in addition to Friday and Saturday. Now, I feel better!
 I stopped one more place to play trivia and listen to classic rock and I thought I was going to go two for two. This man seemed much more reasonable. Dressed well, my age but with a very prominent wedding band. He was playing the "eye" game with me and drinking rather quickly. I felt there was a definite chance he was coming over but he left me to my game and music. I was rejected! Wonderful.
Normally I go with friends on my Tuesday out. Tonight was different, so I went to "two dolla" pint night by myself. Actually went late and got a seat at the bar. Not easy!
Of course (to make my weekend complete) I ended up talking to the guy next to me for two hours. A very pleasant conversation made even more spicy by the fact he mentioned a certain restaurant he opened that I did too! It was a long time ago and of course I made no mention of ever being there.
He was a smoker and took a lot of trips outside to smoke. The law in my part of the world. My favorite "confidante" bar person kept circling out of curiosity. I told her "OMG" he opened the same restaurant with me years ago. I meant it in the sense he could recognize me. Her reaction was essentially was why the problem. What job did I do (as a woman) when it opened. I just need to shut up about ever being a guy! What a idiot I am!
All right, I should be flattered right? You know I am! I guess the new hair is a better look than I ever imagined.
You know I would have to have a problem right? Here it is. What am I going to do about going out to be alone?
Just slap me now!