Revelvation #200

Revelation is a big word, kind of like epiphany.
Experienced one this morning thanks to an acquaintance I was chatting with. 
He is one of the few on line guys I have met in person.
As we all know pictures only tell a small part of a story. He saw the rest!
As we chatted, he did mention that he would like to see me again which was nice. I also mentioned the need to get some fall pix together and he has some experience. As we talked about the pictures, I said they should be a realistic view of what I look like but of course the bad ones should never see the public's eye! Even his!
The bottom line was he said I looked nice and that shouldn't be a problem.  Don't really know if "looking nice" was a real compliment but I took it! LoL!
Perhaps the most important statement was when he when on to say I was a fun and nice person.
Realistically, that is the most important part of life to me.
But did I just get the "kiss of death" blind date set up?

Just Say Something?

In all my years hanging out in bars with the guys or alone as a guy-there were several times when I felt I wanted to approach a girl that was sitting close to me.
I have always been a reasonably shy person,plus my transgender background usually played a role.  Would the woman even want me to approach? I really don't like pushy guys and I expect most women don't either.
Usually, I took the easy way out. I kept ordering drinks to build my confidence to talk to her...and she left.
I'm fairly certain the same thing happened to me tonite.
I was finishing up my evening at a favorite pub watching the baseball playoffs  About halfway through the game, a guy grabbed the stool next to me and ordered the nightly beer special.
As the innings progressed, I noticed he switched to mixed drinks and was ordering when I was. Then-I left.
I will never know if he was "tracking" a transgendered "Cougar" or if the whole situation was a just part of my imagination.
Maybe that's the best part!

What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mama Raise?

Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us.
Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.
All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons.
The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did).
The second would be is how much I look like her.
How many of you believe your Mom knowingly  or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world?
I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out.  I would bet you my brother doesn't!
The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know.
Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.
My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts.
She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance.
She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like!!!!!!

Paranoia!

On occasion (believe it or not) the old noggin goes on blank mode.
Do I want to write about the same old happenings? The agony of defeat when I don't present correctly-or the thrill of victory when I do?
NO! How about some good old fashioned paranoia. As Crosby, Still's and Nash would say "it's like looking in your mirror and seeing a police car."
Paranoia comes in different doses of course. Last night I was certain I looked just as I wanted to! Boots and Jeans. Nice soft mid waist low cut sweater and a whole bunch of red curls. God I thought I looked great!
Then reality crept in. Almost the same look in the same crowded sports bar and BAM-I get busted.
Hey, it didn't happen last night. I guess the police car wasn't really in the mirror! I was safe warm and happy!
A totally different paranoia struck me down at work today when a couple fellow working peeps started talking about a guy with eye makeup.
The police car was in the mirror and I quickly headed to the restroom to see if it was me.
It wasn't and the police car turned to chase someone else.
I know what you are thinking. Come on out girl! Grow a pair (or lose them).
When you feel soooo good as a girl-why not do it full time?
Can you teach an old dog a new gender?
We all know you can and I might.
In the meantime, life goes on a step at a time, in work shoes or high heeled boots.
Wow. If I did go full time, how long would I see that police car?

Oh No She Didn't!

Really?

"Cassandra Cass" pictured here is a star in San Fransisco and recently has been added to Showtime TV's new midnight show "Wild Things".
This "Wild Thing" was born "Casey" in Des Moines, Iowa 32 years ago and has reportedly spent 150 grand to be the girl she is today.
I knew that SRS and cosmetic procedures were expensive but WOW that's a lot of cash!
Go to her "Flickr" site to see what 150 grand will buy! I wonder which "sugar daddy" bought it?

A "Fault" in the Gender Quake?

The other day, I overheard a conversation from a mother accepting a personal phone call at work. (Against the rules.)  She explained it away by saying she was going through a divorce and it was her 10 year old son calling.
The boy, it seems was a little nervous being alone after dark.
Of course I flashed back to my youth and thought how much hell I could raise in the extra time alone. No way I'm calling them!
Did that make me any more of a boy than this kid? Was I more of a male because I couldn't wait to get my license and a car? Today, it seems it's not a huge priority for guys.
We all know the answer-no it didn't make me more of a boy.
But I still wonder if the vast amount of single females raising boys- opens the door just a little more for boys to explore feminine things?  What's a Mom to say if her son comes home and wants a manicure and pedicure so he can win a "womanless" beauty pageant?
Mom's thinking-what's the harm and Dad's not there anyhow to go WHAT? Plus, we all know there would never be a revenge factor in a messy divorce! Here Dad-isn't your son so pretty? BUT:
OK, girlfriends this is how I really feel.
We are either destined to be female at birth (true transsexuals) or we are exposed later in life to something that leads to a transgendered experience.
Society has finally advanced to a point where all of this is more acceptable. In my generation, being alone as a boy at the age of ten was OK. I had my parameters and if I screwed up-I paid. If I was a girl of ten that would have never happened. So, I'm glad gender lines are blurring. It's no secret, younger females are beating the boys in most everything except major sports and the guys do make the prettiest girls in gay bars! (And some beauty pageants!)
The lesson in all of this? I need to quit eavesdropping on other people's conversations!

KIlling Me Softly...

With his song!
OK girlfriends, I don't pretend to be a music critique. But as you know I'm not shy on writing about what I like and dislike with you!
I do live in the Central Ohio area (Go Buckeyes!) and the 4th Saturday of every month a mixer is held for T-Folks at "Club Diversity" in Columbus.
Last Saturday was actually my third visit and truthfully mixers aren't really my cup of tea or glass of beer. I don't mix well and actually I'm kind of shy.
Fortunately I was meeting a new friend from Columbus and we attended together. She is gorgeous and was immediately attacked by a couple of dirty old men in dresses-leaving me to kind of roam the club.
"Diversity" is located in an old Victorian house just south of downtown and does have a very diverse clientele!
In the main room with the bar is a small entertainment area.  As I walked by, the musician was singing "Angie" by the Stones. I liked it!
As luck would have it, as the night progressed I kept making my way back to hear more of "Shane" who was the entertainer. To preclude being a total bitch, I still made my presence known with the T-crowd...but loved Shane's music! The mix of music I heard was classic and diverse and kept bringing me back.
Finally, I could only describe my emotion "Roberta Flack" style. Shane was "Killing me softly with his song"!
It has been years since I've felt that way about music!
If you live in my area and would like to hear a non-rap, diverse (Beatles, Stones, Seger and MUCH more) musician- I know Shane will be back at "Diversity" November 6th. I do have an E-Mail if you would like more info!
The nice thing is I wasn't killed softly and can still chat  with you!

Can You Ever Go Home Again?

If I can quote "Bob Seger's Hollywood Nights" tune-"he knew right then he was too far from home. He was too far from home." Then relate it to losing your male identity, I would. Wait! I just did!
The reason I did quote the song (basically about a beautiful California blond and a Midwestern boy lost in her charms) is that I remember defining moments when I didn't want to go back home to my male self.
I know many of you girls have always known you were just that-a girl. Many of us however, did not have that luxury. I went through the first 30 years or so of my life fighting and giving in to my female urges.
I knew I could never go home happened to me when this Midwestern boy moved to the NYC area.
Within two months, I enjoyed two defining moments that would set my life on a female path.
The first was a trans "mixer" of sorts I attended on Long Island . The real lady at the door wouldn't let me in until I proved I was a guy. "No single real women allowed!"
The second was a Halloween party I attended with a couple friends at work. It just so happened that one of them had two other tall female friends that were dressed as sleazy as me! To this day I remember walking across an intersection in a mini dress and heels WITH 3 other real females. What an evening! The girls insisted I dance with them and even a couple of their boyfriends.
I knew then, I could never go home-even if I did move back to the Midwest.
If I was a betting girl (not) I bet you girls have defining moments too!
I welcome any stories you might have, when you knew you could never go home!

So Much-So Little Time!

As fall and October get ready to make their appearance (already has where I live) there are so many things to consider!
I already bought a pair of new fall boots that I managed to fall in last night in front of a bunch of people. I know what your thinking! The boots were not the four inch stiletto style. Still had a heel of course but not enough to go down!!!! Just a little sore in the body and very sore in the ego department!
But girl friends it's almost the magical time of the year called Halloween!
If you've got that fun Halloween story, feel free to share it here!
I have mixed emotions about the day now. Since I'm out so much, I can't attend a party with friends. There is too much of a chance that they have seen me!
But some of the bigger parties at venue's in the area are too much fun to pass up. I went to a big outdoor event last year and just kind of hung out and watched the crowd.
I pretty much just went as female. No real costume.
This year it might be fun to head out to one of the big straight clubs..haven't decided yet!
Halloween was my first high heeled step out of the closet. It very much has a near and dear place in my heart! I dressed as a hooker years ago and went to a party with friends and ended up telling them it was more than a costume to me!
Two rules, however-don't expect to win a contest unless you are dressed as a female
character. (not just as a girl) Sarah Palen comes to mind. Rule two is don't expect to present easily as female! People are really looking at each other!
Then again you may not want to on Halloween! Don't know what delicious trouble you could get into!
Trick or Treat!