Seasons Change

 

Image from Jamiethlene Reskspe on
UnSplash.

It appears that Spring has quit teasing us here in Southern Ohio and is finally here to stay. Spring teases us every year, so it is no real surprise when it happens. We can go from summer like weather to winter in one week. 

What it means is wardrobe adjustments which account for cooler mornings and warmer afternoons have to be made.  Plus, I always use the unique seasonal changes here to completely go through my clothes to see what will stay and what will go.  From nearly the very beginning of my love of everything feminine, I had admired how girls and women had the opportunity to completely change their fashion with the seasons. Putting aside all the challenges I had with having any resources at all to buy new fashion, I still did my best to meet the seasonal change challenges. 

My biggest challenge this year is coming up in the middle of April when my wife Liz and I have been invited to my daughters in laws house for a lunch get together. I am planning for it already and am planning to wear a two-piece lightweight top I just purchased for our trip to the Florida Keys. I will pair the top with leggings I have and hopefully will be dressed well enough to blend in with the rest of the women who will be there. Sadly, I don't think my transgender grandchild will be there because they (pronoun of choice) will be hiking the Appalachian trail with their partner. I will have to find out from their mom if they still are going to have a job as a civilian nuclear engineer with the US Navy or did the orange felon's threat against transgender women and trans men destroy any hopes of having a job. 

In the meantime, it is opening day in Cincinnati for the pro-baseball Reds, which has a huge parade and is close to a complete local holiday. Since the parade is televised during the afternoon, and I really don't care much for parades, it will give me a chance to get started with my spring wardrobe assessment. I know right now, I am setting fairly well with my collection of light weight tops and T's. Especially when I added a few select T Shirts from my trip to Key West, Florida. I purchased a very colorful T(shirt) from "Harpoon Harry's" where we ate lunch and later made a special stop in Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville" shop where I picked up another shirt to add to my collection. My second wife and I were huge fans of Jimmy and when he passed way, another of my bucket list items went with him.

Watching Buffet's famous Cincinnati summer riverside concerts were always a hit with us, but little did my wife know how badly I wanted to be one of the women watching the show. My transition took so long, I sadly never made it. 

Now, I hear the birds chirping and a pile of clothes awaits to be sorted to be worn or donated. It has always been a labor of fashion love for me to go through the seasonal changes which made being a woman much more fun for me than being a boring man. Even though, sometimes I think the fashion experience is shallow in nature, it has always been fun to me. 

Especially, when I can shed the boring dark colors of winter and become a part of the new bright spring flowers and budding of the trees. Everything I wanted to do when I started my path to transgender womanhood. It also time to put all my sweaters away and turn another page towards my future and bright as a new season.

 

The Light in the Mirror

 

Image from Alessandro 
Bianchi 
on UnSplash.

I spend quite a bit of time here attacking my mirror when I was growing up.

Recently, I have come to the conclusion some of my negativity could have been wrong. First of all, I was fortunate to have a beautiful full length mirror dad installed at one of the ends of the hallway in our house when I was growing up. When no one else was home, I would spend as much time as I had admiring myself in the hallway mirror. As I did, I could always see a brief dim light in the mirror when I viewed my feminine self for the first time. Even when I knew, the light would have to be extinguished soon, and I would have to go back to my unwanted male world. 

As I grew up and began to explore the world for the first time as a beginning cross dresser, I made plenty of mistakes the mirror did not tell me about. In fact, the mirror light shone brightly and told me I looked great when in fact, I looked just the opposite. I was presenting as a clown in drag with no one to warn me. For a long time, the light in the mirror nearly went completely out as I was rejected in public time and time again resulting in a deep depression for me.

I kept trying though, and the light began to come back on. I lost weight and began to find styles of women's fashion which flattered my body shape and finally began to present better. Especially when I was making the mental transition to novice transgender womanhood from cross dresser. To do it, I needed every break I could muster. Plus, I needed to turn up my light in the mirror, and let my femininized light shine through, so I could see her better. 

The extra light turned out to be all I needed to become more skilled at my makeup art and do the best I could with my testosterone damaged male face. With a little help from a professional makeup person, my light in the mirror grew even brighter, and more importantly, I could trust it. With trust came confidence which equated to more acceptance as a transgender woman in the public's eye. All of a sudden, my lifelong dream to lead a feminine life was within reach. If my light in the mirror stayed on. 

It did and I was even able to turn up my light to a brighter level with the addition of HRT or gender affirming hormones. Among the many other positive changes I went through was when the overall texture of my skin softened. Which meant the male lines in my face softened and I could use less makeup. Specifically, foundation. I quickly learned with more femininized skin and being able to wear my own hair, I was suddenly more presentable to the world. 

Looking back, I may have been too quick to judge my light in the mirror. It just took a little longer (along with the rest of me) to become more situated with living a new life away from my old male self, and perhaps it was my fault for not switching to a brighter bulb sooner. Plus, I was fortunate in that my light in the mirror did not burn out altogether. 

 

Preparing to Lose

 

JJ Hart speaking at a Cincinnati Trans Wellness 
Conference.

When I first began to explore my transgender womanhood in public, I was rejected so much, I was totally dejected by the whole outcome.

The only thing which kept me going was a deep feeling I was doing something right in my life for a change. Plus, I did experience very brief moments of gender euphoria when for once, I had my feet on the ground and was able to blend in with other women in the world. One night I remember in particular was when I dressed in my best oversized fluffy sweater and short black mini skirt and set out to do a portion of the family's grocery shopping. After shaving my legs and brushing out my favorite wig, I set out for the store which was not too far away. 

Once I arrived at the store, it was early, and I was relieved to see it was almost empty when I went about doing my shopping. Just to prove I could, I picked out a few items I thought we needed and headed for the checkout line where one woman and a young male bagger was working. As I was unloading my cart, I slyly caught the bagger looking me over and when I looked at him, he quickly blushed and looked away. Then I looked at the checkout lady who just gave me a knowing smile and asked if I needed any help taking my items to the car. It was the first time in my life I allowed myself a brief moment to think I looked good enough to fluster a young man. I carried the experience forward with me for weeks because it gave me such good confidence in my new feminine world. 

As we all know, confidence is so important to those of us working our way down our gender paths. It does not matter if we are experienced cross dressers or transgender women, having a healthy sense of confidence in ourselves helps our progress in the world immeasurably. People are like sharks and can spot a weakness in another person a mile away. Even though my newfound confidence was still very fragile, I could feel it growing. Which was all that mattered to me. 

From there, I tried to experience living more of my life as a novice transgender woman doing things a cisgender woman would do. Again, doing a portion of the grocery shopping was an example. Looking back on it now, I am surprised my second wife did not question what I was doing but she never did. Through it all, even though I was being successful for a change in my cross dressing or transgender experiences, somehow, someway I still prepared myself for failure. I suppose it was because I experienced so much failure earlier, I still expected it. 

Then, I began to think about what I was doing and came up with what I was really prepared to lose. Since I had advanced to the point of passing in my presentation, was I prepared to lose more and more of my male world. As much as I did not like it, through out and out effort, I was able to carve out a decent male life, and I needed to decide if I could make it without my spouse, extended family, friends and job. What was I prepared to lose?

Long story short, I decided I felt so good in my new transgender womanhood, I decided what I could lose, and it was everything. I should say, I risked it all for a better life and I had very few things to lose when I tried it. My wife and close friends all had passed away and it turned out my all-important daughter came all out to accept me. So, I was very fortunate. 

All along, I was still prepared to lose, it never really happened to me. I can't take much of the credit because I put myself out in the world and good women responded. They were all I needed to restore more of my inner confidence and start a new life.