NOT for Entertainment Only

 

Image from Alice Alinari
on UnSplash

As I went along my path to transgender womanhood, I found the journey was never a choice and was not for entertainment only.

My journey did not begin that way. Similar to many of you, I started by exploring my mom's underwear drawer and wearing what would fit. All of that was seemingly innocent enough unless I was caught. Then there would undoubtedly be hell to pay, along with a trip to a psychiatrist. Later I would wonder if my mom ever knew because her underwear was stretched out, but she never approached me at all. 

It was all fun and games until it wasn't. Slowly, I learned wearing girls/women's clothes was not for entertainment only. I was becoming increasingly serious about it. For the first time in my life, I was obsessing over how I looked. How was my makeup and very limited access to a wardrobe appearing in the mirror. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I thought I could get away with it. In addition, I did my best to study the other girls around me. I did not know it then, but I probably was wearing makeup before a few of the girls I knew were allowed to do it. At the time when I could not seem to muster the same passion for building the model cars I had and painting them well, makeup was an entirely different challenge and one I could not resist doing my absolute best at doing well. With no help whatsoever. 

I found, for the first time in my life, I was completely serious about doing one thing and it was being a girl. Not just looking like one. It took me years to learn just gazing at my reflection cross dressed as a feminine person was just not enough. I needed more. My problem was early on was having the budget to do anything such as being able to afford having a nice wig. It was not until my college days until I could buy a long blond wig I cherished for years. Spending all the money on one specific fashion accessory proved my passion to look good was not for entertainment only. I was really serious.

Of course, then I really started to step up my gender game. When I was released from my military service, I began to seriously explore the world as the feminine trans woman I was destined to become. As I write about often, my journey was filled with ups and downs and my mental health suffered. Definitely not the way I thought it would be when I looked at myself dressed as a girl in the mirror early in my life. What I never had a chance to consider was I was not a transvestite or cross dresser at all. In fact, I was a transgender woman and needed to accept it. I was never in it for the entertainment and my life depended on a successful outcome. 

What I mean is, I needed to stop all the self-destructive behavior I was exhibiting as I sought to destroy everything successful, I had ever done. Along the way, I had tried to lose jobs, drink too much all the way to trying to kill myself with pills. Never realizing how much I had to live for if only I followed my transgender path far enough. 

I wonder now, if I had realized how difficult my journey would be and not be entertaining would I have ever undertaken it at all. I also realize now, I never had a choice, and my life would have been better had I realized it sooner. I would love to get back just a tiny portion of the stress and tension I lost during my life as I worried about my gender. Outside of a few therapists who tried to help me by telling me the truth about myself, I was on my own. My life was never for entertainment only as I followed a gender path full of turns and dead ends before I discovered my truth in my transgender womanhood. 

Christmas Lights and the Trans Girl

 

Clifton Mill's Holiday Lights.

When I was first exploring the world as a novice transgender woman, I set up a small bucket list of activities I wanted to explore. 

As Christmas approached every year, my second wife and I made it a tradition to explore a wonderful Christmas light display at a restored grist mill near our hometown. The more I was successful in my presentation as a trans woman, the more I wanted to experience the lights as my feminine self. Since I knew my wife would be completely against any idea of us going as women to the display, I knew I would have to do it on my own. If, at all. It got to the point if I could not go as me, I did not care to go at all. So, I changed it all one night. 

To accomplish my dream, first I needed to find the proper time to do it. At the time, my wife worked in retail and was working many nights so all I needed to do was find the night she was working, and I was not. Once I established when I could go, then I needed to make all the important decisions on what I was going to wear. Since I live in a winter climate and would have to spend quite a bit of time outside, many of my fashion choices were easy. 

For the evening, I chose one of my favorites, a warm, and soft sweater, paired up with my fleece lined leggings and low-heeled boots. Suitable for long walks in the cold weather. To really stay warm, I wore my full-length wool coat, and I was ready for what I hoped would be a fun evening. Of course, before I left, I did my makeup and put on my favorite blond wig and headed for the car. I was lucky and weather was on my side. The evening was crystal clear and just cold enough to be winter. 

The Clifton Mill's holiday display is very popular, and I knew parking spaces would not be easy to find so I took my time to find the best one I could. It gave me time to calm down as my expectations of having a fun time were at an all-time high. What differences would there possibly be between experiencing the lights as a guy versus as a transgender woman? Very quickly I was going to find out. 

Since the actual mill is in a very small village, I found several of the other shops were open and selling hot chocolate. I felt buying a warm beverage would help me to see how well I would be accepted the entire evening. As I stood in line to order, no one noticed the tall blond ordering a hot drink and in fact the server was even nice to me. So, I left encouraged and thankfully, a little warmer as I continued my walk to the mill itself. Since the real crowd was ahead of me, my challenge still had not been met. 

Once I paid to enter and went into the mill itself, I began to relax and enjoy myself. No longer was I on high alert for a bigot making fun of me. I was able to enjoy all the lights and attractions better than I ever had before. Most likely because I was finally having the chance to enjoy my time as my authentic self without the constant worry about how it would be to do so. My confidence in myself to present well as a woman came through and all too soon, my time was growing short, and I needed to return to my old boring male life.

However, checking off the Clifton Mill's Christmas display from my transgender woman bucket list was well worth the time and effort I put into it. The next step would be to enjoy it with another person which sadly never happened. Due to my mobility issues and me moving away from the area where the mill is located, my current wife Liz and I have never been back, and my wife back then passed away.

Changing the subject just a bit (or a lot) my Alzheimer's diversity council lunch turned out to be a girl's day out and was fun. It is always nice to be around other gender affirming women as I was the other day. I hope to do it again soon.

Mountain of Hope...Mound of Ash

 

Image from JJ Hart

On occasion when I was following my very long path to transgender womanhood, I did experience enough hope to keep moving forward towards my ultimate goal of living a fulltime feminine life. 

Those were the days I was on top of the world and felt good about my life as a whole. Sadly, too many times my dreams were crushed mainly with me making poor gender decisions. Those were the nights I returned home with tears in my eyes following brutal interactions with the public. I was at the least stared at and at the worst laughed at to my face. Since I had only the mirror to blame for lying to me, I needed to find a better way to improve my presentation as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

Really, the only recourse I had was to keep going out hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Very gradually, out of sheer will power, I did become better at my craft and my confidence grew. I was climbing my mountain of hope and staying there. Sadly, my only mound of ash came when I was discovered by my second wife when I was returning home after a night out. Predictably a massive fight would happen, and feelings would be hurt. It wasn't until years later when I finally had the courage to face my gender truth and finally transition. By that time my wife had passed away and it was a moot point. Following her passing, I found I had another mountain to climb. 

My mountain was one of loneliness. For the first time in over twenty-five years, I was by myself with only my two dogs to take care of. No other person to worry about disappointing with all of my gender adventures. It did not take me long to decide which direction to go with my life. My inner feminine soul was screaming to be let out and for once there was nothing to restrain her. She was my woman, and I was her.  With new enthusiasm, I began to climb again. Sure, there were still setbacks and problems with my new life. A primary example was when I tried to date men and was constantly stood up on potential dates. Fortunately, when I began to be accepted by lesbians, I found I did not need a man to be validated as a woman. 

When I climbed my gender mountain, I began to begin too clearly see what was going on around me. As all the clouds and doubt parted and I could see there was only one path for me to pursue. I finally gave up on my male self, gave away all his clothes, started gender affirming hormones and never looked back. 

When I finally freed myself up to be me, I never had felt better. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which I had carried way too long. Since I am afraid of heights, climbing my gender mountain was never easy but I made it.