Reaching Out for Truth

 

Image from Jen Theodore
on UnSplash.

As I transitioned into my form of transgender womanhood, first I needed to find my own truth. In order to do it, I was placed in a dilemma. 

The dilemma was I needed to make sure my gender journey was taking me in the right direction. I needed to make a huge life changing decision so I needed time and experience to make certain I was taking my life in the right direction since essentially I was risking everything to do it. In other words I needed confidence. 

Gaining confidence proved to be a fragile thing to find. I would have it following a successful day out away from the mirror as a novice transgender woman when I seemed to do everything right. My makeup, wardrobe and wig were on point and I even carried myself fairly well. I was building the life I always had dreamed of and seemed to be within reach until the next time I went out and everything crashed and burned. Either I did something very unrealistic and was laughed at or my overall appearance just wasn't right. Whatever the problem was, my fragile confidence was shattered. And, as we all know, confidence is our most powerful accessory. Humans are similar to sharks, if they perceive something is wrong with you, chances are the other human could act on it. A big turning point for me was when I arrived at the point where I did not care what anyone else thought of me. 

Actually, let me re-phrase that. I did not care what men thought of me because for the most part they had all felt as if I was from another planet anyway and wanted nothing to do with me. On the other hand, I did care what other women thought about me. Since I needed other women's acceptance to exist in the same world they were in, I needed their approval. In order to survive, I needed to be honest to myself which in turn, made me honest to them. I was not hiding anything. I was upfront on what I was trying to achieve which was to give up my old life as a man. Very quickly I learned I appealed to more women as a friend than I ever had as a man. I thoroughly enjoyed my learning curve as a transgender woman and wanted to build on my truth even more.

Even still, on occasion, I was still having issues with living my truth. My biggest hurdle to conquer was myself. I was the last to know my truth because I hid it all so well. To my everlasting shame, I even lied excessively to my second wife about what I was really doing while she was working at night. So, by osmosis, I was lying to the two closest people to me. Something I am certainly not proud of. However, I am proud of the fact I did reach out and grasped my truth during my long life. 

It took me long enough to do it. I struggled for over fifty years as a cross dresser and went through so many stages of attempting to figure out who I really was. I was so much more than a man who liked to wear women's clothes, I wanted to be a transwoman wearing women's clothes. Once I learned this major truth about my life, finally everything came into focus. 

Into One Club and Out of Another

 

In the Women's Club. I am on the bottom row
to the left.

As I transitioned into transgender womanhood, I learned how quickly I could be pushed out of one gender club and make my way into another.

The first club I was quickly rejected from was the good old boys club which I was tired of anyhow. I quickly found many of the gender stereotypes were true. My primary example was and is when I am in a conversation with a man, I seemingly have lost a good portion of my intelligence. In many ways, I was expecting it because of the way I had seen many men around me in my life treat women. I wanted a change in the worst way.

Of course leaving one club and being accepted into another was not going to be the easiest thing I had ever done. As I set my course into the world of women, initially I was met with little resistance except for two key people in my life. Along with my second wife who hated the idea, of course my male self was dead against it also. He was the one who was getting kicked out of the club.

One of the first aspects of being accepted into the woman's club I learned was to look for the hidden knife behind the back trick. All of a sudden I was in the world of passive resistance. Some women did not like the way I looked or acted all the way to resented my presence in the club all together. Rather than tell me to my face, they worked behind my back to drive me away. I came away from the learning experience with many claw marks on my back. I considered it all as a initiation experience into a new exciting world where all I wanted to do was play in the girl's sandbox. What I never counted on was how complex the new world would be. I knew women were much more complex than men but slipping behind the gender curtain and living my dream proved it.

I fought hard to keep my dream from becoming a nightmare. First there was the problem with learning how to dress myself so I could stand a chance of blending in with the other women in the world. Then there was the problem with learning how to go with the flow, or practice moving like a woman and last but not least, there was the problem of learning to communicate with the world in my new club. The more I progressed with all of this, the more I did not want to be forced back into the male club because the pressure was constantly there. Going back meant leaving all the gender struggle behind me and regaining all the male privileges I had lost when I entered transgender womanhood. 

Somehow, I always managed to keep my dream alive and no matter how beneficial going back seemed to me at the time, maintaining my hard earned membership in my new club was more important to me. I had served my time in an unwanted male existence and had no desire to return. So I continued to spend time in my new club as a transgender woman and learn the benefits of living an authentic life. 

I never really missed the benefits of living in the male world.  Then I needed to set out on the complicated process of telling all of those who thought I was still in the male club, I was not and please listen to the reason why. Some people and family I was successful with and some I was not but none of it kept me from trying. My main goal now is to keep my membership in good standing in the transgender woman's club.

What I Really Learned at Halloween

Kenny Eliason image from UnSplash.

 Sadly, since I have lived over ten years as a full-time transgender woman, Halloween has become just another day to pass out candy to any kids who may come by the house. The neighborhood is becoming older and we don't have the influx of kids we used to have years ago.

Regardless, I still have fond memories of when I went all out for Halloween. I used the experience as a testing ground to see if I could actually go out into the world as a woman and live. Throughout the month, I have focused on several Halloween adventures I had. When I first started, I thought dressing sexy would validate myself as a woman. Then I started to tone down my "costumes" all the way to going to the last party I remember dressed in feminine business casual attire which I was used to presenting in the upscale malls I was going to. 

The party itself was sort of a who's who of invitees held at a real live Victorian mansion in a restoration district in the town I lived in. I received my invitation because I was a fairly well known radio disc jockey in town at the time and happened to know the couple putting on the party. I knew immediately what I wanted to wear and just needed to decide who I wanted to invite to come with me. I knew my first wife was not into Halloween and wouldn't care if I invited someone else to go with me, so I invited the news-woman where I worked to go instead. An example of how easy going my wife really was. I always thought if I told her I was leaving for a month for gender realignment surgery, it would be fine with her. So the stage was set to be out and about as my authentic self. No playing around with a "costume", I wanted to be mistaken for the real deal.

Since there are no pictures from the party, my outfit consisted of a business suit, heels and blond shoulder length wig. Needless to say, my wife was not surprised but my date was completely. Mainly because of my shaved legs and how well I walked in the heels. When we arrived, thankfully, parking spots were not a problem and at the door, a coffin with a real skeleton greeted us . The mansion was really decorated well and we found a seat. 

Predictably, as the night went by, no one knew who I was and I blended in as a woman who arrived late from work and did not have a chance to find a costume. I was having a great time, when another couple came up and said how impressed they were with the way I looked and they thought I was a woman. Furthermore they were leaving soon to go to another party and wanted to know if we or I wanted to go along. Even though I was extremely flattered I turned them down but not before I found out who they were. The couple was a young congressman and his wife, leaving very soon to go back to Washington, DC. So I guess I destroyed any chance I had at a political career. 

What I really learned that Halloween was I could step out into the world as my authentic feminine self and survive. Very much worth all the time and effort I had put into to being a girl over the years. And, as far as the news-woman went, she never said a word.  

I guess you can say with out a doubt although the thrill is gone for my Halloween, the day more than any other one in my life served a wonderful need when I did not have any other outlet.