Nonsense?

 

Recently I received this comment from Kendra referring to one of my political posts. Since I am a firm believer in  equal time, here is the comment:

"I am sorry you believe that nonsense about Trump. I am also TG, and I feel none of what you are speaking of. We conservatives are actually a loving caring group of people. Yes, many don't understand the lifestyle, but no one wants to hurt us. Please do not fear us."

Thanks for the comment and the first fact I would like to counter with is I do not fear conservatives and I have often thought of voting for Liz Cheney if she had ever made it on the ballot. To make it clear, I do not consider tRumpt to be a conservative. I consider him to be a threat to our country's security and the basic rights to all citizens. 

Now, let's add in tRumpt calling veterans (which I am one of) losers, bragging about reversing basic women's rights to their own bodies and increasing the national debt four times while he was in office while at the same time pushing through tax breaks for the very wealthy. Plus the biggest one of all, his threat to be a dictator from day one after trying to overthrow the government before (Jan 6th).

Kendra, what I really fear are the transgender citizens and allies who don't realize tRumpt and the paid off SCOTUS is coming after your basic rights. Perhaps you haven't heard of the 2025 blueprint. If you haven't I suggest you research it yourself. 

What I also fear is my hopes for my transgender grandchild's life in the future long after I am gone. At the least I want my grandchild to use the rest room of their choice which is being challenged now in my native Ohio by (yes) a conservative majority in the state legislature. I want them to know I tried my best in any small way to help the transgender and LGBTQ cause. 

I know sometimes I may sound as if I am some sort of a radical left leaning person but I value the counterpoints of having conservatives in the system and I used to have lively discussions when I was in the Army when I was the only once saying at the least Nixon was a crook. 

My deepest desire is tRumpt is never given a chance to advance his agenda against the the country in general and the transgender community in particular. It doesn't take someone in a paygrade higher than mine to recognize that after trans people are erased the bigots will come after the remainder of the gay and lesbian community. 

So Kendra, yes I deeply believe the "nonsense" about tRumpt. 

Un-Common Risks as a Trans Girl

Liz on left. Date Night. 

Most people undertake a risk or two as they make their way to the undertaker in the end. 

When you come right down to it, which person you chose to marry is a risk as well as which profession you choose. Transgender women and trans men seem to have an added layer of risk in their lives. Along the way as we pursue a gender transition, we have to make many difficult choices which aren't really choices at all. They are paths we have to follow or face devastating self harm to ourselves. Which results in extremely high suicide rates in the transgender community. 

When we are growing up in a world where our families often don't accept us, the entire process makes the risk factor even more important. I am so blessed to have a daughter who completely accepts and supports her transgender child and I am proud to have been a role model for my grandchild to follow but it wasn't easy. 

When it came to my marriages, seemingly destiny has led the way into several different areas of acceptance. Acceptance of course led to risks being taken. My first wife was very easy going and knew of my cross dressing desires before we were married and had our daughter who turned out to be my only child. My first wife accepted without question my desire to cross dress as a woman and venture out on Halloween adventures. I often thought if I came home from work one day and told her I was checking into a hospital for gender alignment surgery, she would have said that's fine, just be careful. As it turned out, I was not ready for that sort of surgical risk and would never be.

Then destiny threw me a curve ball with my second wife. The moment I saw her for the first time, I knew I wanted to be with her in the worst way. Even though she too knew I was a cross dresser, she still restored feelings I long ago had forgotten when I was ready to compete with another man for a woman. In order to win the competition I needed to divorce my first wife and move on to a totally different strong woman who knew somewhat of my gender issues. I say somewhat because back in those days I was just learning myself how deep my transgender feelings ran which were to cause strong problems in our twenty five year marriage later on after the newness wore off. From the start, I always thought she would be the one who would help me to break through in my cross dressing world and help me to be successful in my dreams. As it turned out, she wasn't that person and always drew the line if I suggested at all I wanted to go further into the transgender world. By the time she had passed away, our relationship had deteriorated into an ugly cat and mouse game of me taking risks and seeing what I could get away with.

Another main risk I took was with my job. Slowly but surely I had been promoted through the managerial ranks to a successful position as an executive general manager of a big popular casual restaurant chain. A position with a company I knew would not accept me transitioning into a transgender woman. In my haste to destroy myself anyhow, I began to go to my competition as a woman thinking no one would recognize me. Well, I was wrong and the roof began to fall in on me. It was tough but I denied all the rumors and kept on going.

By this time, my second wife's life was coming to an end and she suddenly without warning passed away from a massive heart attack. By this time I had purchased my own restaurant and was somewhat in control of my own financial destiny until a recession in the Rust Belt where I lived wiped out the population. I ended up losing my restaurant as well as my inheritance by taking a major risk and losing nearly everything I had. I finally was able to find me a fast food job to hold me over till I could take an early retirement from Social Security and sell vintage items my wife and I had collected over the years. Between the two I survived.

I then found myself in a period of wonderful gender discovery, when with the help of new women friends everyday seemed as if I was reborn. Specifically Kim and Liz helped me the most. Liz lived in nearby Cincinnati and we met on line. After corresponding by email  for months, I finally became brave enough to talk to her in person and our first date was at a drag show. That date was nearly twelve years ago and we are coming up on our second anniversary of marriage. Liz cemented her place with me when she told me she had never seen a man in me and why didn't I finish my transition into a feminine world with her.

Finally, after a half century of wondering and suffering over my gender dysphoria, someone else recognized my truth and wanted to accept it with me. My un-common risks were over. I accepted her advice, gave away my male clothes and never looked back.

Being Afraid to Try

 

Image from Jas Min on UnSplash

Since it took me nearly a half a century to fully leave my dark lonely gender closet, I have to assume there was an extraordinary amount of fear which was holding me back.

As life progressed for me and I became more and more entrenched in a male lifestyle I never really wanted, it was harder and harder to let go. I had a family and spouse who I loved plus a job I was progressing in. So it was not an easy decision to give it all up. 

It all finally came down to what my wife told me after one of our gender based arguments. She told me why didn't I man up and become a woman if I was so enamored with the idea. Had I followed her advice, I would have saved both of us so much turmoil over the years to come. By now, you know the story. I was stubborn and tried to live with one foot in the male gender world while at the same time learning if indeed I could live as a transgender woman. 

Through it all, even since I was taking small steps in my gender journey, the fear of not being able to make it as a full time transgender woman kept creeping back into my life. My scope became so much larger than just admiring myself cross dressed in a mirror to attempting to try the world in costume as a woman during Halloween parties. What kept me going was I felt so natural as my feminine self and then wanted to experience more and more. 

I write extensively about my experiences as a novice transgender woman. Even if I was petrified to try new experiences in the world, I pushed myself to still do them as my age was catching up to me. I wasn't getting any younger and all of a sudden, family and close friends around me began to pass away. Making my mortality even more of a reality than my gender dysphoria. Finally, when I reached the age of sixty and was exploring my life increasingly as a trans woman, it was time to act and put my fears behind me. Realistically, I knew I wasn't going to have a better chance to transition so I better do it. Setting all my fears aside and living in a feminine world turned out to be the best move I could make. I lifted a ton of weight from my shoulders when for the most part, my life restarted again. It was around this time when my new gender affirming hormones (HRT) were starting to change and control my body. Along with developing breasts and softening skin, my whole world softened and I felt emotions I never knew I had.

Now, I am so glad I wasn't afraid to try. My only disappointment is I waited so long to do it. Fear finally turned out to be a powerful motivator for me as it turned potential panicked situations into  successes. Rest rooms were a prime example of success or failure. 

This blog itself is another example. Way back when I was given the idea to write about my new experiences in this world, I didn't even know what a blog even was. Now with well over seven thousand posts and four million hits, it is time to stop and thank all of you for taking your time to stop by Cyrsti's Condo to visit. I have always embraced and enjoyed your participation and all I can say is I am humbled and flattered.