Sexuality .The Great Divide

Image from Jack Lucas Smith
on UnSplash

 It is no big secret men are more insecure in their sexuality than women. Many to the point of being toxic in their approach. I think the toxicity is the reason for the uptick in violence against all women, transgender or not. 

When I transitioned out of my old unwanted male world into a new scary exciting feminine universe, I wondered if my sexuality would or have to change. For me, it meant giving up on my long held belief I was NOT a gay male. God forbid if I wasn't . Somehow I never the connection of dressing up as a girl with wanting to be with a man sexually. Even to the point when I finally understood I wanted to do more than just look like a woman, I wanted to be one. To be honest, the sexuality scared me more than anything else about my MtF gender transition. Could I have been wrong my entire life about my attraction to women? 

Very early in my transition I was "coached" by friends such as Amy on how to practice being with a man by using a banana. While I appreciated the advice, I never really decided to think about a banana the same way again. Plus, since I was living a whole new lifestyle, who was to say I needed to live it a certain way. After all, there were many lesbians I knew who would disagree with me or anyone about  needing a man to validate their existence. Since so many had told me I shouldn't or couldn't change my gender, what was one more idea to shatter. 

Still, I wasn't sure on how to proceed when I decided to leave the fragile world of men who were secretly struggling with their own sexuality and build a new one for myself. It meant entering a time of experimentation for myself. First I searched high and low on dating sites for a man who happened to live close by and wanted to try to date me. To put it mildly, I failed miserably when I was completely upfront about being transgender. Almost all of them saw me as only a fetish sexual object. They wanted to skip the dating aspect of meeting me in a public venue and go straight to a motel room. When I refused, most all of them would have nothing to do with me.

On the other hand I discovered women did not feel the same way about me. Curiosity I believe led most of the women I met to find out more about me when I went out to many different venues. It all made my life fun and exciting again. Of all people, I found many accepting lesbians who I could socialize with. As I always say, they taught me so much about being a woman who could stand on her own. Once again, my sexuality became secure again without having to make any drastic changes.  No bananas for me except to add to my ice cream sundaes. When I was with my close knit group of lesbian friends, I could watch the fragile world of men from afar as I relied on my  previous experience as a guy to let me in on what they were feeling. Which was probably the biggest reason men didn't trust me. I knew too much. 

By living a transgender lifestyle, I was able to observe the sexuality of both of the primary binary genders. I came away knowing I made the right decision. Destiny led me the right direction. I obviously nothing against the male gay community but it just wasn't for me. I was correct in believing women were the most secure gender when it came to accepting any variations in their sexuality and men are the most fragile.

The Blue Coat

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Jessie Hart
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Many years ago I frequented a wholesale coat store which seemingly carried an endless inventory of women's coats including many in my size. Which was rare.

I used to make the store a regular stop on my circuit of favorite places to haunt looking for a coat I could not afford. Even at the store's sale prices, finding one would still be a struggle.  One day I was there was an extra special day when I saw and then slipped into a powder blue wool lined three quarter length coat. Once I tried it on, it was lust at first sight. It seemed to fit in perfectly with my honey blond shoulder length wig I was so fond of. 

The problem I had was one of the usual ones many of us encounter as novice cross dressers or transgender women have, And, where is the money coming from for our new fashion discoveries and would the new fashion really be worth it in the long run. At that time, I was still struggling to hide any extra money I could from my wife who was a trained book-keeper and kept track of our finances. If I was going to my usual thrift store, it was easy to hide my limited expenditures from her and not be afraid of making a huge fashion mistake. If I did, I could simply take the item back and let someone else make the same error without losing much money in the process. 

This time though, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't leave the thoughts of how great it would be to be able to buy the cherished blue coat. In desperation, I kept going back to the store and then modeling it in front of one of the many mirrors. At one point, I wondered if I was parading the coat so much that someone would finally notice me and tell me to buy the coat or leave it alone. Luckily, that never happened but on the other hand I was never able to get together enough cash to purchase the blue coat and make it my own. Plus I had no idea where I would be able to hide it where my wife would never notice.

During this point of my life, I was completely entranced or obsessed with looking like a woman. Particularly a well dressed professional transgender woman in a mall or restaurant. My wardrobe at the time included a black silky pantsuit I loved as well as a pale green jacket I paired with a matching mini-skirt and kitten heels. Those were the days of colored opaque pantyhose and I even managed to find a pair of hose which also matched my outfit perfectly. 

Ironically, when I look back to a decade or so ago when I started this blog thanks to urging on from friends such as Connie, I can't believe how much I have changed. In the early days, I still believed being a success as a potential transgender woman was just looking the part. As I progressed I learned I was so naïve and I was looking ahead at so many layers of learning what it really meant to come out as my authentic feminine self. Leaving the mirror behind and entering the world was terrifying and extremely challenging at the same time. All the years I spent studying the women around me helped but I discovered it was only the beginning. 

Through it all though, I still remember how much I wanted that blue coat and wonder if I would have continued to cherish it as much as I did in the beginning for years. Or, similar to so many other lustful encounters in my past, it would have lost it's newness and just fade away.    

International Womens Day

 

Image from Joeyy Lee on UnSplash

As International Women's Day rolls around again, it is always worth mentioning how transgender women fit in the the group of women at large.

Of course, there is a group of "TERF's" or transphobic cis-gender women, who feel we trans women should be outright excluded from any sisterhood. Shame on them for their narrow minded ideas. It has always seemed to me, the more the merrier in how the feminine population is perceived and should be important to all women. Especially now with all the attacks on women's reproductive rights by Republican politicians across the country. Bottom line is diversity in how women hood is achieved should be celebrated not restricted. 

Which brings me to one of my favorite points concerning womanhood and how it is earned not just given at birth. Even though many women are born female, it doesn't mean they necessarily ever go through the process of becoming women and the same can be certainly said for men. As a transgender woman, I feel I have had to follow a gender path which has led me to my own particular brand of womanhood. So I should be included as much as the next person in "Women's Day." One day in the past I was when I was chosen to participate in a photo shoot celebrating the diversity in all women, not just the classical beautiful ones. Even though the album wasn't chosen to advance to a competition  in Chicago, I was thrilled to be a part. But that wasn't all.  

In my journey, I have been fortunate to have experienced many more positive feminine role models than negative ones who aided me in my journey. Many were lesbians who brought their own brand of being women with them since primarily showing me I didn't need a man to be validated in the world. I could stand alone and make it. On the other hand, I had other women around me who built their lives around children and family and I learned from them also how to further cherish what I had with my marriage to Liz and relationship with my daughter and her grandkids. Especially when my oldest grandchild decided to carve out a non-binary gender path of their own. All of a sudden, I was a role model on how to be brave enough to pursue a life outside the normal gender boundaries. Primarily since I never pursued any gender realignment surgeries, I still deep down knew who I was and needed to make changes  to live my truth.

Also, I don't understand why most all women don't accept trans women on "Women's Day" or any other day to speak of. After all. we have spent time on the other side of the gender fence and decided we did not or could not live there. I have discovered though many more women than men have embraced my change. Men especially are very fragile in their sexuality and have a tendency to ignore me while women are just the opposite.   

If you are still working your way out of your closet into the world and are wondering how you fit into "Women's Day", rest assured you are in the learning process and the day is for you too. When you look at all the young women being educated and starting their own businesses, the future is certainly female and we are certainly in the right group.