Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

The Audacity of It

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

When you view the transgender community from the outside, I'm sure more than a few people, other wise known as transphobes, think we are nothing more than a group of people asking for audacious demands. 

I know with me, I often felt audacious in my demands on my wives as I transitioned towards being a transgender woman. After all, my wives were seemingly making all the sacrifices in the relationship as their man faded away. Through it all, yes I did feel guilty but at the same time, there was nothing I could do. Gender change was impossible as I journeyed along the path to eventually leaving my male self behind. Since deep down I knew there was nothing I could do about my gender issues (and or cross dressing), I knew my wives would eventually have to get over their misgivings and I would get my way. 

Also, I need to say both my first and second wives knew I was a cross dresser before we were married. I don't think either woman really cared until it came to me becoming more serious about living increasingly fulltime as a woman. My first wife was very easy going and never really pressured me before we broke up. My second wife was much more opinionated and did participate somewhat with my transgender self but never really liked my feminine self for whatever reason. From the beginning and all the way until she passed away, she drew the line at me starting hormone replacement therapy and taking another giant step along my gender path.

The audacity of it all came when she said she didn't sign up with me to be with another woman and she was right. There was nothing I could say. I will forever wonder if she ever would have come to get along with the woman I always was before she died. Of course I will never find out.

Then there are all the transgender haters or transphobes who have the ability to change our lives in the real world or as keyboard cowards (as I call them.) The audacity of all of them to intrude upon our lives speaks for itself. The only defense I can think of is, the transphobes can't and won't take the time to understand trans women or trans men. The unfortunate part of it is that just consider how long it takes most of us to understand our own gender issues. I know in my case, it was a real struggle to come to any understanding of what was going on in my life. 

The biggest audacity for me now is the fact I don't care what the world thinks of me. Especially transphobes and/or TERFS. Now I can face the world as my authentic feminine self with a tight knit group of family and friends around me. Plus I am a role model of sorts for my transgender grand-child. 

Being audacious all those years when I was struggling to learn the world as a transgender woman left me with so many scars. I learned the hard way to develop a thick skin and keep learning all the important lessons I needed to discover. The whole process was terrifying but all so satisfying.    

It's All a Dream

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to expand upon it a bit further. 

The idea I had was very simple. What if my whole life was nothing more than a dream? As with any dream, some are pleasant while others tend to be nightmarish. When I started my gender dreams, they were pleasant enough. Most of the dreams involved in me being very attractive and existing successfully in my dream feminine world. As it turned out, if that was all which was involved, life would have been so much easier.

Early on, I spent many hours shopping for just the right wardrobe additions so I could present better and better in the world as my dream woman. Due to financial considerations, thrift stores in particular were my friends. In fact, in most of them, I became so comfortable I started to use the changing rooms so I could try on sizes as well as styles. The whole process became so beneficial, I actually became very good at judging which styles would look good on me and even found sizes which fit me. Slowly but surely I began to transform my style into one that blended into the world from the former trashy fashion I thought looked good. My dream was telling me, all my validation as a transgender woman came from being admired by men when in fact it was other women who mattered.

Along the way, I was even able to learn to develop different wardrobe outfits for different occasions. Examples included if I was going to a lesbian bar, I would dress differently than if I was going to a summer downtown summer festival. My goal was to present as an "lipstick lesbian" in boots, jeans and blond wig in the bar but go for a much softer look with a light top, flowing slacks and dark wig when I went downtown. Even I was amazed on how fast my wardrobe had expanded so I could accomplish my goals of blending and enjoying my evenings. Especially the gay bar when a butch lesbian in a cowboy hat forced me into trying to sing karaoke with her. Something I was totally against because I was and am I totally not a good singer. To make a long story short, I managed to blurt out the only country song I knew and left...in a hurry. Her only comment I remembered hearing was my voice was lower than hers. At the least, the bartender got a laugh out of the whole affair since she knew the truth about me. 

Surprisingly to me, none of this was in my dreams. In fact, my dreams were fairly mundane when compared to how my life was turning out when I transitioned into a fulltime life as a transgender woman. No longer was I in essence playing with my gender. When I started hormone replacement therapy and finally came to the conclusion I was no longer a casual cross dresser, I knew I was no longer in a dream.

It took me years, to figure out my gender issues were much more than casual dreams. Plus, my gender was much more than a game I was playing with. These days, my sub conscious is catching up with the fact I transitioned a decade ago to living as a transwoman. I am dreaming increasingly of me as a woman.