I'm More Trans than You???

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

How can that be? It shouldn't be but it's one of the many dividing points we face in the transgender community.

Plus, with all which has happened recently in our country with bigoted politicians we all need to stick together now as never before.

We also have to consider just how many factors go into considering why anyone would consider such a preposterous thought. It used to be surgeries were one of the dividing points over someone was more transgender than another. Years ago, Connie and I coined the term (probably not original) "Trans Nazi" for those who thought since we had not undergone extensive gender realignment surgeries, somehow we were not allowed to claim the term transgender. 

These days I feel as if the pressure to conform to being more transgender than anyone else is more involved with how you live. In other words, if you claim to be trans and don't live it on a daily basis in the public's eye, are you no more than a dedicated cross dresser. Repeating what I said in yesterday's post, gender doesn't come from what is between the legs, it comes from what is between the ears. Even though for whatever reason, the trans person just can't live everyday as their chosen authentic gender. Along the way, perhaps we have lost the perspective of the common point of what is was which brought us altogether. In the beginning perhaps we felt a need to feel somehow superior to other cross dressers because of appearance. I know I faced a superiority complex from a group of transvestites I referred to as the "A Listers". Sadly their beautiful appearances didn't carry over into their personalities. Most of the "A's" acted similar to the mean cheerleader types in high school. A few I knew did take the extra move to pursue surgeries to supposedly enhance their femininity and the rest I simply lost track of. 

These days I am stuck in some sort of a middle point in the argument of being more transgender than the next person. On one hand, I could put myself up on some sort of a fragile pedestal. On the other, I could feel the rejection from others because even though I live full time as a woman, surrounded by those who only see me as such, on the other hand, for whatever reason I have never undergone any gender surgeries. I am sure more than a few could consider me as no more than a glorified cross dresser. Or, as one reader pointed out so rudely years ago...just another old man on hormones. I found the comment to be humorous and if the truth be known there are very few people who I care what they say anyhow.

As precarious a position most transgender women or men find themselves these days with anti LGBT legislation, there is no time for petty bickering concerning who or who is not better situated to represent our community and should not be so segmented. We need everyone from those deep in the closet to those who have undergone genital realignment surgeries to understand their paths contribute to an important path to guide others. 

Being more transgender than someone else, simply should not exist for the welfare and advancement of us all. 

As the Seasons Change

R.I.P Jimmy Buffett

As the calendar changes to September, around here in Southwestern Ohio, thoughts turn to the arrival of the Fall season.  Around here, Fall is finicky because it arrives in stages, It comes, goes and teases us before finally arriving for good with a vibrant display of colorful foliage in October. 

I have always been fond of the Fall. To me it meant the return of  warm fuzzy sweaters, leggings and boots. Plus, it means the return of football season which brings back many fond memories. I was fortunate my love of sports spilled over in many positive ways into relationships with all of my wives. Since I had developed my sports passions as a way to hide my true gender desires when I was younger, I was nearly panicked when I transitioned into a transgender woman and wondered how I would fill the sporting void.

Fortunately, I didn't have to worry long. I fairly quickly ran into other women who shared my passion and knowledge of sports. I have many great memories when I was able to gather with them and enjoy sports over a large draft beer. Something I would have considered impossible when I began to consider my male to female transition not so long before. The whole process enabled me to bring a huge part of my personal baggage with me into a new world.  Making my world more enjoyable was being able to enjoy the weather and the fashions of the season.

Before I did it, I needed to go through my wardrobe and add or subtract any necessary items. The whole process brought into focus one of the most enjoyable pastimes I craved when I transitioned. I had always been so envious of the women who were able to change their wardrobe with the seasons. Out went the old clothing boredom which came with men's clothing in came colors and vibrant change.  In fact, I have just started my process of wardrobe evaluation, and have began to plan for replacements. After looking, I know I better begin the process of shopping for more sweaters before the good selections are picked over. 

Over the years, I came to recognize the Fall with the good as well as the bad when it came to my existence. The change of the Summer foliage dying off represented the possible change of my old male self dying off. I remember vividly one night when I was driving all alone and shed a tear when I saw the dried brown leaves blowing across the road in front of me. I so badly wanted my life to change also but little did I know it would be years before it would. Speaking of changes, my blog gently weeps today when I learned of the passing of musician Jimmy Buffett. One of Buffett's biggest concerts every year was here in Cincinnati. It was one of the must see traditions for my second wife and I every summer. My passion for Jimmy began when I won the corporate front row tickets from the company I worked for at the time. His music always resonated with me and I am so sad to learn of his passing. Rest in Power!

The one good thing about a musician, their music has the potential to last forever.  

I Couldn't Take It

 

Image from Adam Jicha 
on UnSplash

The process of completing my male to female gender transition admittedly took me many many years. Over fifty to be exact and the whole process took a toll on me. 

During the time, I experienced many peaks and valleys on my way to living my ultimate dream. My attempt was to try different scenarios to see if I could pass successfully as a woman in the public's eye. As I said, I experienced many failures and returned home to cry my eyes out. Through it all, I was still determined and kept going back to the cross dressing drawing board to try harder. Thankfully, the more I tried (and learned) the better I became at my presentation. The better I became, the more I wanted to try.

From that point, the better I became at being transgender, the better my chances of trying to live a fulltime life as a transgender woman became. The problem was my entrenched male self was fighting every gender move I made. He did his best to discourage me and did it well. After all, he had a lot to lose. Such as an entire life he had worked hard to create. Friends, family and employment were all at stake. So the pressure was intense to somehow stay the course and try to live a life stuck firmly between the two primary binary genders. 

The problem was when I was living the life of a transgender woman, I felt increasingly natural. I had a deep seated feeling all was right in my gender world for a change. The process should have brought about a welcome change, when in fact it was causing extra pressure. As much as I tried to avoid it, I could see ahead I would have to make serious decisions in my life. If I was ever able to salvage what was left of my mental health. Dealing with the pressure had led me down the road to self destructive behaviors including suicide. After my suicide attempt, I made a very unhappy decision. I decided to purge (or get rid of) most all of my feminine belongings, grow a beard and live fulltime as a guy. The whole process was designed to please my second wife who told me any number of times she didn't sign up to live with another woman. You regulars know within a year after I purged, she passed away unexpectedly from a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. 

At that point my life entered a new stage of being totally alone. Between wife one and two, I had been steadily married since when I was in the military approximately thirty years before .Through my tears, I reached out to my feminine inner self for comfort. Off came the beard and on came the makeup as I set out to rebuild what was left of my life. It took awhile for my confidence and mental health to improve as I was suddenly able free to explore a world I had only ever just dreamed of. The pressure was relieved and I could finally enjoy where I was headed again and I could take it. I didn't want to self destruct.