Boundaries

Photo from the
Jessie Hart
Archive

 Throughout the journey I undertook to live as a fulltime transgender woman I faced living with many boundaries. 

The earliest boundary I faced was learning how to dress and makeup myself to present well as my feminine self. As most of us know, just learning the art of makeup is daunting enough. Not to mention the time effort and money it takes to acquire and wear a new women's wardrobe. Believe me, the process involved more error than trial until I finally began to get the process right. Problems included not dressing for my age and body shape. In other words, I certainly wasn't the teenaged girl I was trying to look like. Predictably my early experimentations did not work because of my testosterone ravaged body and I just ended up subjecting myself to ridicule by the public. Learning my boundaries of how to present as a woman were difficult to learn but I did become fairly proficient in the ways of dressing to flatter my body style (the best I could) as well as learning through practice better makeup routines. 

Along the way, my personality entered in when I considered the boundaries I faced when I was a serious cross dresser or transvestite. By nature, I always had pushed the boundaries of any thing I attempted. Once I thought I could do something above average, it was never good enough and I had to try to make it better. My whole attitude came from my parents pushing me along in life. I learned the hard way, nothing was ever good enough. 

The whole process pushed me into going places I shouldn't have attempted as a novice transgender woman. Once I rejected going to the so-called "safe" gay venues, any other venue became fair game. Even though many times I was just going there to just see if I was presenting well enough to do it. The process led me to my well publicized times when I was formally asked to leave venues I shouldn't have tried to be in-in the first place. Once I learned what my venue boundaries were, most of my problems went away. Once I was able to dress the part and knew where to go, I was able for once to enjoy the process of living as a transgender woman away from the mirror in the world. 

Just about the time I was becoming a little too satisfied with my progress in the world as my authentic self, I began to meet and gain friends. By doing so, I was able to progress farther and faster as a woman than I ever thought possible. I was able to watch and learn from them and just happened to have a wonderful time doing it. At the same time my friends were in essence were shielding me from potentially negative gender responses from the public, at the same time they were providing me a platform to learn and exist as a feminine person. I was enjoying the best of both worlds as I had the finest on the job training I could find.

By the time I had completed my on the job training as a transgender woman, I was ready to cast my boundaries aside and live my dream.  

More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

Father's Day

 

Image from Derek Thompson on
Unsplash

This year Father's Day marks a milestone for me. As some of you regulars may remember, Mother's Day this year marked the first time ever I received a Mother's Day gift and card from my only child, a daughter who obviously is very supportive. I need to point out receiving anything remotely tying me into being a mother was totally a surprise.  Or, I didn't ask for it. But, I did shed a tear when it happened. 

Now, on to my Dad. In essence he was long on being a provider and short on providing any sort of emotion. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me although I know he did. 

My Dad was a product of the great Depression and World War II. He was in many ways the image of a self made man and I was in awe of his accomplishments. My Dad rose from very humble beginnings to building his own house and rising to the position of a bank vice president. Since I was there when he mercifully regained his dignity and passed on after suffering from Dementia, I wish I was able to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of the life he had lived. Being a product of his world, I wasn't able to.

Now I regret I never tried to come out to my Dad. My excuse is I didn't know myself what I was back in those days other than a cross dresser or transvestite. Bottom line was I never wanted to face his rejection.

It has taken me many years to do it but now I have reached a point of understanding where my parents were coming from when they raised me. Knowledge of what being transgender was all about was lacking to all of us.

To honor my Mom, I adopted her first name as my legal middle name and finally have come to the point of being able to say I love you Dad and thanks for raising me the best you could and yes it was you I feared disappointing the most when I failed and did something wrong. Coming out as transgender just wasn't wrong.