These days, when I write, I am dividing my time between the Cyrsti's Condo blog and the book I am trying to put together. In my mind it is much easier to write a blog post because it fits my short attention span. As I work on a book chapter, I have to go more in depth.
Here is an example for a chapter I am working on which revolves around leaving your male closet and finding your life as a transgender woman:
In many
ways, it seems those days of rummaging through my meager wardrobe of girl’s
clothes and make up were just yesterday. Then again, taking my precious time to
admire myself in the mirror seems so long ago. The impossible dream was to try
and get out of my restricting closet and try to live a feminine life. Along the
way I had so many misconceptions of what that life would be like, it seemed I
was hitting wall after wall. The only thing I do know is I went from hiding
behind my skirts when the world threatened me all the way to becoming an out
and proud transgender woman. Let’s go back now to how you change closets and
why.
The “why” is
simple. If you don’t feel the need deep down inside to change your gender, don’t
do it. Because really you are not changing anything. You are connecting the
dots back to the person you have always been deep down inside. Perhaps, this
idea is the hardest to explain to an outsider trying to understand being
transgender is not a choice for us. We are simply trying desperately to live
the life we were always destined to live. Unfortunately, most of us are
subjected to what is referred to as “testosterone poisoning” The time starting
at puberty when we begin to develop the male characteristics which will come
back to haunt our attempts to externally transition later in life. Very few of
us are lucky enough to physically transition seamlessly into the feminine
gender. For the rest of us, it is a real struggle. Once you decide it is time to change closets,
the problem arises on how you are going to tell friends and family.
There is no
easy way telling others. Some decide to slowly tell family and friends
while others decide to quickly pull the band-aid off and tell many people quickly.
Younger trans people have their entire lives to try to carve out a niche where
they can find employment and hopefully someone to have a relationship with.
Older trans people have the opposite problem with primarily telling a lifetime
spouse and family. Naturally, many spouses feel as if they have been deceived.
They married a man, not a woman. It leads to heartbreaking dramas on both sides.
In my case, my wife of twenty-five years accepted my need to be a cross dresser
but never my need to be transgender and more of a woman. We had massive
disagreements. Looking back on it, she was right when she told me to be “man
enough to be a woman.” In gender disagreements each side essentially is right
and it makes the whole situation very difficult to navigate. There is no easy
answer. I certainly am not wise enough to suggest one.
I have such a long way to go!
