Down but not Out

 

Hair by JJ Hart, Beret hand beaded
by Liz T Designs on Etsy.

One point I always worry about making is how many times I was not successful when I was trying to survive in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. Or how many times, I walked completely out of my way to escape groups of teenaged girls coming towards me. Perhaps, similar to many of you, I was out and out laughed at by girls seeking their own sense of femininity.

Too many times, that I would like to remember, I needed to rush home with tears in my eyes to go back to the drawing board and reassess what I was doing because obviously, something was wrong. After years of failure, I finally found the person I needed to blame, my old male self and his ego. He was the one who kept urging me on to dress trashy in a failed attempt to show off my own femininity primarily to other men. It turned out I learned I was trying to impress the wrong gender; I should have been trying to impress the ciswomen I encountered. Blending in with them became my primary goal so I could be successful.

Many times, blending myself into a completely new and terrifying world became very difficult due to the layered life women live in. Every time I thought I had turned the corner in my gender life, something would come up and slow my progress down. Again, I was frustrated many times and ended up with me being down and out again in my transgender thinking. Through it all, I needed to keep my head up and be aware of any possibilities I may run into. Or, I should say opportunities to improve.

Out of all the opportunities I faced, I like to point out that communication was the hardest problem I faced once I finally got my appearance situation taken care of. To do it, I needed to solidify who my feminine person was. No more changing wigs and names every other time I went out. I had to settle on what wig and name I would use every time I went out because I was so recognizable. The pressure was on to make sure I was doing all I could to make a good first impression as a transgender woman. I needed to make sure I was properly social without coming off as being bitchy. When in fact, I was just shy with all strangers.

At this time, at least, I was not getting laughed at. I was learning what I needed to do not to be down and out as a transgender woman. Plus, I was still amazed how many other women wanted to communicate with me and understand what I was doing in their world. At that time, it was so important to me not to make a fool of myself and go back to my gender drawing board again. In my case, practice did make perfect, and I was finding myself less and less in potentially embarrassing situations. The problem was (if I had one) was keeping myself engaged at all times in my old male life. In fact, I was always flipping the script when I featured my female life over my old dominating male life. I needed to really concentrate what was left of my male life to make sure I preserved what I worked so hard to build up.

Looking back, I don’t suppose I was ever completely down and out as a transgender or transfeminine person. Even though everything I faced was not a positive situation, deep down I realized I was in a total learning situation, and I could (or should) work my way through it. Sure, I was blindsided in numerous situations, and I needed to rise above my limitations but somehow, I made it.

Every now and then I find myself in a position to give out advice. This time, I am challenging you to challenge yourself if you are actively seeking to change your gender life from male to female, or female to male. It will never be easy as you are attempting one of the most challenging experiences a human can undertake. But your positives will outnumber your negatives if you learn from your opportunities to improve.

Finally, you can get to the point where your old unwanted gender will not pull you down and you will not be down and out as a trans person. When you begin to trust yourself and build your confidence, you will be able to enjoy your new life for a change. You will be an up-and-coming person in a brave new world. Then maybe you to can be down but not out.