Watching the Wrong Movie

 

Image from Mason Kimbarosky 
on Unsplash

Recently it occurred to me the biggest problem I had in life was, I was watching the wrong movie. 

The movie I was born into was simply the wrong one and I ended up not being able to escape from the theatre for too many years. It took me way too long to finally decide I was transgender and get on with it. The problems were not unique to me and ran deep within the transvestite or transsexual community. I wanted to be a pretty cheerleader instead of a football player, I wanted to wear the beautiful gown and be courted at prom. The list went on and on along with the wrong movie. Also, I spent hours daydreaming of how it would be to be a girl/woman along with hoping I would wakeup and be able to live my dream. 

As with all movies, the one I was living in had it's ups and downs. Even though I didn't want to experience a male existence at all, I was forced to and managed to find pockets of satisfaction when I was successful. The greatest one was when my daughter was born. The rest of the time, I was mainly locked in the wrong theater and forced to be part of the unwanted movie. It turned out during most of this time, I was working behind the scenes for when the movie ended and I could escape. During this time I managed to break out of my gender closet and begin to explore the world as my feminine self. The times I was successful at watching a new movie just helped me to wanting to see more of it.

The new movie was so interesting when I saw more I just knew I had been forced into the wrong theatre my entire life. The new movie featured the women I wanted so badly to become, if I could fit in and be accepted in the show. Many aspects were correctly pre-identified by me from my years of closely observing women. Such as, women were the high maintenance gender and nearly always on stage if they liked it or not. I needed to become used to the more or less constant attention from both genders. The part I could never pre-learn was how it would be like to really live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. The communication aspects alone of being in a new movie were scary to say the least. Not only did I feel I had to be equal to the cis-women around me, I had to be better to be allowed to continuing to watch the movie.

As we all know, movies change and have plot twists in the middle and being up to date on what I was watching became very important to me. Was I dressing to blend, how was my voice were all part of key elements I needed to face daily and not get rejected from the new movie I loved so much. As the movie unfolded it was clear I always should have had a ticket. Sadly, I did but I took so long to use it.

Another key to knowing I was finally watching the right movie was I never lost interest and haven't to this day. I love the new transgender movie I am in and try to live it to the fullest.

Transgender Crisis Management

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I suspect many of you have experienced your share of "crisis management" during your life. It applies to you no matter how you identify as a transvestite, cross dresser, transsexual or transgender person, you have experienced your share of potentially embarrassing moments.

It all started early in life for all of us (in the extreme majority) who did not grow up in a gender supportive family. We needed to be extremely careful when we dressed in our feminine wardrobe, or clothes we "borrowed" from sisters or mothers. We had to be careful not to ruin the clothes we were trying desperately to wear. Plus when we tried to wear makeup, there was the problem of taking it back off. Crisis management became very important to me if and when someone in the family came home early and I needed to take off all the clothes and makeup in record time. 

Little did I know crisis management would follow me through my life. When I got married to spouses who totally didn't approve of me cross dressing so much, I would need again to rush to take all the makeup off along with the clothes of course. Life with my second wife was the worst because we made a deal I ended up breaking many times. The deal was I had three days a week to cross dress as a woman any way I wanted. Even to the point I could leave the house as a man, rent a motel room and redress as a woman. It was heaven to me for awhile until I became so successful as a feminine person, I wanted more and more. I came to the point where I was sneaking out of the house every chance I had and breaking the promise we had set. In essence I was cheating on my wife with myself, the other woman in my life.

Along the way, I sustained many other crisis management situations. Looking back they are humorous now but at the time were anything but. The most embarrassing I can remember is when I had the brilliant (not) idea to use water balloons as breast forms. What could possibly go wrong, right? One night as I was enjoying the "bounce" I experienced from my falsies, one exploded and my water balloon broke. Fortunately I was on my way to the women's room anyhow, so I was able to hide in a stall, dry myself off and sneak out when the coast was clear. It turned out to be all right and I didn't have to tell someone I was pregnant and my water just broke. Or explain how I had just lost my bustline. 

Another of my mis-adventures occurred when I decided to wear my high heeled boots to my regular venue on a snowy night. I was certain I had navigated the boots in the past and if I was careful I could do it again. Of course I was wrong and when I had to stand up from where I was sitting at the bar, down I went. Not exactly the feminine exit I wanted in my new fancy boots. Very quickly I gathered what was left of my confidence, summoned  what was left of my dignity and walked out. I was lucky my dignity was all which was hurt. 

Through it all, my previous experience with having to deal with any crisis served me well. I was prepared for having my heels get stuck in a sidewalk all the way to the more extreme situations I described. Just think, it all started with me rushing to remove my makeup when my brother came home from school early. I was prepared for the worst and expecting the best. I was lucky, my gender glass was always half full. No matter how much misfortune I was experiencing. 

Similar to everyone else with deep gender dysphoria, I went through my share of crisis management. Even if it was based in reality or was all mental, somehow destiny was telling me I needed to see it all as I followed my own transgender path. 

One thing you could say was somehow even with advanced crisis management, life was never boring.

Regrets?

 

Image from Lucien Andrei 
On UnSplash

Recently I wrote a post which in part involved any regrets I may have had when I transitioned into my authentic feminine life.

Today I decided to go a little more in-depth on such an important topic. Why? Because I can not write enough concerning all we transgender women and trans men can lose we we attempt a gender transition. Families, friends and occupations can all disappear quickly when people close to us and can not adjust to the gender adjustment. 

The biggest mis-conception comes when ordinary citizens think we actually had a choice when we transitioned. Like anyone wants to give up potentially their whole life to live as they please. Often it comes down to a life or death decision when it comes to transitioning. Suicide or self harm becomes a very real possibility for many transgender people, including me. So when it came to regrets, I didn't have many because I was able to transition and preserve my life as I knew it. In essence I wanted to change my life dramatically while I kept my soul. 

Through it all sadly my male person kept hanging on. Somehow he knew his days were numbered because once I had determined I needed to follow a different binary gender path, as a transgender woman, I could never go back. The regrets of leaving a lingering male existence behind were lessened when several obstacles disappeared. The first of which was how much of the old baggage I was able to take with me into a new life. Could I still enjoy several of the same things such as drinking a beer and enjoying my sports teams with like minded people. Or did I always need to plan ahead for hours to put together a feminine outfit everyday I went out. Jeans and a nice top would work to blend in with most of the women in the venues I was used to going to. Life began to normalize out quite nicely when I learned my only child (a daughter) accepted my MtF gender transition totally. The trade off was I lost my brother who did not accept me but the blow was softened when my wife Liz's family took me in. 

As it turned out, life didn't hand me many regrets when I transitioned. I know I was fortunate and probably not the norm when it comes to the transgender community. All I really had to do was find a way to basically financially support myself. I knew there was no way the company I worked for would accept a radically different me interacting with others in the people intensive industry I worked in. I solved my money problems when I decided to retire early and do my best to augment my income with selling collectibles. From that point further my regrets were few and I was free to proceed ahead with living a fulltime life as a transgender woman. 

Of course the biggest regret factor I experienced was the fact I dodged the self harm aspect of not being able to live an authentic feminine life. Once I progressed past that dark period of my life, I was free to concentrate on learning a whole new life, almost. First I needed to mesh my past male self and all his baggage with my new self and her future life. Once I did, any further regrets went away and I embraced a bright future. One I never thought I could ever achieve.      

The Best Part of Me

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 For the longest time I resisted the idea there were two of me. A male and a female side. 

The further I went in completing a MtF gender transition, the more obvious it became I did indeed have two sides to my being. I had a male side I needed to desperately protect to even exist in the world as I knew it and a feminine side. I worked hard to cover any signs I was feminine at all and for the most part all my efforts were successful. Through my love of attempting to play sports and work on fast cars, I was able to hide.

One way or another hiding became impossible as I gained confidence in trying to head out of my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. The whole process was very scary yet exciting and my feminine self turned out to be exceedingly patient and giving with the process. She stood by as I grew through my teenaged cross dressing years and managed to arrive at a place where I could at least blend in with the public the best I could. 

Then, she stood by me in my communication years when I took on the world one on one as a transgender woman. Looking back she most likely knew the truth. If she bided her time, she would win eventually and being able to fully take over my life. Taking all of that into consideration I found as she was taking over, she had always been the best part of me. My parents had always tried to raise me with a strong moral compass and when I was able to come out and live an authentic feminine life, all my truth could be out for the public to see. Naturally when I did finally come out, I felt so much better about my life.

The deeper I began to live as a transgender woman, the more I found the less I needed to do. What I mean is, my feminine side had been waiting so long for a chance to fully live, she was happy to take over and show me the way. She happily took to the guidance and knowledge she learned as she went all the way from "girl's nights outs" to lesbian mixers with friends. It was quite the process. Through it all she found she could be the best person possible since she had learned from both sides of the main gender binary spectrum. It wasn't as if the male person was bad, the female person could be better. Plus, as I always point out, my feminine side very much benefitted from positive cis-woman friends who showed her the way.

Maybe it is an unfair comparison because my feminine side had such a longer time to grow and observe what my male side was doing wrong. But on the other hand, she had to go through the frustration of waiting to come out. By doing so, she had to face a dual edged sword. She benefitted from the male mistakes I made but then had a chance to be the best part of me when the wait was finally over and she could live our truth as a transgender woman.

Trust the Process

 

Image from
UnSplash

Over a very long life of considering and attempting a MtF gender transition, I went through many highs and lows. 

On occasion more lows than highs as I went through the process of trying to balance both of my primary binary genders. In other words, I did plenty of inadvisable things which came back to haunt me. I was fortunate in that I didn't experience bodily harm on a couple of occasions when I was in  places I should not have been as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. Where? On a dark, late night urban city street to name a specific one. I did get stopped one night and was lucky I got out of it by just giving five dollars to a couple of panhandlers who clearly wanted more. Through all of my mistakes I just had to trust the process.

Seemingly the process was I had to pay my dues before I was rewarded with any positive feedback as a transgender woman. All the times when my second wife essentially made fun of the way I looked, just made me try harder to work on the many facets which went into a more convincing image as a feminine person. I knew I had made strides when she had to ask me to help her with her makeup on special occasions. I had trusted the process and kept on working hard and it worked for me on those occasions. Even though she had given into my makeup expertise, my wife still didn't give me an overall approval rating in how I presented. 

The farther I made it along in my transgender journey, the more trust I needed to put into what I was attempting to accomplish. All in all, I was trying to build my way into living a dream and I had so much to lose if I had failed. I say often, because one of the reasons I kept going was I felt so natural as my feminine self. When I did feel natural, it was easier for me to blend in with the public and overall present better to the world. I was rewarded when I was able to spread out from the gay venues I was going to and made my way into becoming a regular at several straight, mainstream sports bars I always enjoyed as a man. In them I was able to enjoy my favorite teams along with a big cold draft beer without any problems. When I was recognized as a regular. Probably the hardest prize to attain was my restroom privilege. As you beer drinkers know,  beer doesn't last long with you and being able to use the women's room (again without complaint) was huge.

Trusting the process also gave me added confidence in myself. Even though on occasion I was still petrified, I still was able to interact with the world and learn to enjoy myself. I finally made it to the point of feeling there was nothing wrong with me and if someone else had a problem, it was theirs to deal with. 

As I look back on trusting the process, for me, being allowed to begin hormone replacement therapy medications involved the most trust for me. I needed to trust the medical community the meds would not hurt me and move on from there. I was fortunate in that the process worked for me and I loved the results. By the time I tried HRT I was used to taking chances with my gender transition and hoped I could go even farther. To living my life fulltime as a transgender woman. 

The Second Half

 

Image from Nik
on UnSplash

Relax, this is not another sports post...As I approached the age of sixty, my gender feeling of something not being right grew ever stronger. 

I knew then, if I didn't immediately make a move to correct my issues, I never would. Even though I was in a fairly comfortable position to keep living as a man, there was still time to get out while I still could. It would mean the possibility of sacrificing the remaining family, friends and job security. I had to do it and I still needed to move forward into a life as a transgender woman.

Once I decided to begin hormone replacement therapy and my external appearance began to change fairly quickly to an androgynous looking person there could be no turning back. The whole process took me by surprise when it happened so fast. I adjusted to the progress and moved on. I found living fulltime was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. When I threw out all my male clothes and was responsible for dressing feminine every day, the whole process changed dramatically. I needed to be able to plan long term for my appearance and not just rely on short term bursts of wardrobe creativity to get me by. Like it or not, looking at myself in the mirror every morning when I got up became a gender dysphoric process. Some days I thought I looked feminine and others I looked terrible. The same old guy.

It turned out too I had several other main issues. One of which was I going to consider any major or minor surgeries. I decided no to all because I felt I could barely present well enough to get by and I didn't need any painful major gender surgery to allow me to feel any better as a transgender woman. Plus, at my age any major surgeries such as gender realignment surgery could be a health risk to recover from. My motto became "don't pay anyone to hurt me." So I stuck with my HRT and hoped for the best and for me it worked and I didn't have the money anyhow.

The second major issue I needed to face rather quickly was how was I going to explore my sexuality once I transitioned into a transgender woman. During my life as a man, being with another man never appealed to me so would it change now? Even though I dated and kissed several men following my gender transition, I found nothing had really changed.  Being with a man most certainly validated myself as a woman in public but it didn't lead to much else. I did interact with a couple men I thought I could be friends with too but it turned out my sexuality in the future would firmly remain with women.

I became entrenched with a very kind and giving small group of cis women who I was able to learn so much from about being a woman in todays' society. When I did, my sexuality never did have to change from what I had felt my entire life. 

Other issues were more mundane yet still very important. I wasn't independently wealthy so I needed to figure out how I was going to live and support myself. I was fortunate when I grew close to early Social Security retirement age. I took it and supplemented my income by selling vintage collectables my second wife and I had collected. I remember vividly my last day at a job I disliked as I walked across the parking lot into a new world. A world where I was free enough to re-create myself as a brand new person. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that new person had been there all along just waiting for her chance to emerge. She was good people which made interacting with the outside world much easier. I found very few people are ever given a second chance at life so I needed to make the most of it. 

I did and found myself moving and marrying my current wife Liz following her finding me on line over eleven years ago now. I would have never dreamed the second half of my life would take me this far.     

Set Back to Come Back

Tom on Left with the Author
at a Witches Ball. From the 
Jessie Hart Archive

I have always rooted mainly for the underdog in most things I follow. Especially in sports. Nothing is as thrilling to me as seeing an underdog come back and win. Unless it is against one of my teams.

Lately, as we approach and go by the Fourth of July, there are no more visible underdogs these days as the transgender population. We are easy pickings or low hanging fruit for many politicians who have chosen not to know us at all. Then seek to gain votes by using lies against us. We are even still the weakest link in the LGBTQA+ field because of many reasons.  Primarily because we do not have the economic clout of the gay community. 

However, I didn't want to write a political post today, because you regulars (thank you) know where I stand on the subject of a certain political party which peddles hate of all kinds rather than offer any constructive legislation. Here in Ohio, where I live, they are even leading the charge to change any amendments to the state constitution away from a simple majority just ahead of a vote on abortion this fall. Needless to say, I will be voting no on the issue (one )to keep changes as a simple majority.  

Other than our rights taken away from us, I have other reasons to have rooted for the underdog in my life. The biggest one for me was facing up to the fact I was transgender at all. I took many years of gender experimentation to realize I was deep down a woman all the time just trying to act like a man. It finally took my wife Liz years ago to kick me over the cliff for the final time. I discarded all my male clothes, began hormone replacement therapy and never looked back on my old unwanted male lifestyle. Little did I know ten years ago, the amount of potential hate I could be facing today. Like it or not, I need to beware of my surroundings more than any other woman.

During the period of my life when I was making many mistakes with my presentation it made it more difficult for me to navigate the world as my authentic self or transgender woman. As I said, I still needed to make the final determination I was trans to begin with and what did it mean to me. I was fortunate enough to be just stubborn enough to keep trying when I was rejected as a transgender woman. Plus I found friends who helped me along. They helped me to come back strong when I was set back. Being the underdog they were rooting for, I needed to make sure I was worthy of their attention by doing my best to become a quality person. During that time, I became quite the gender "observer."

These days, as I have written,  I am trying to do more in the transgender community as far as out reach goes. In fact, in addition to the Alzheimer's committee I am going to serve on which spot lights diversity, I signed up for another Veteran's Administration group yesterday which will spotlight VA trans veteran care. My goals for participating in both are if I can help anyone who comes after me, it will be worth it. I don't want them to suffer the setbacks I did.

My setbacks were many and varied and can be turned into comebacks if I can help others in any way from my experiences. I just hope I can.  

 

The Wasted Years?

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

 Many times when I am asked what my biggest regret in life is, my quick answer is I didn't transition quicker to my authentic feminine self.

However, after taking a deeper dive on the subject, sometimes I have to come up with a bit of a different answer. Most assuredly I miss not being able to have experienced all the facets of life a younger woman goes through but then I needed to realize not all early life feminine experiences were good, as hopefully she made her way to being a woman. Not every female can claim womanhood as it comes through a socialization process.

Also, saying I wasted nearly fifty years of my life living as a man would be wrong to say. I did have good times as well as experiences I am intensely proud of. Plus I think several of the experiences made me a better transgender woman when I transitioned. For example, even though the process had its ups and downs, there is no way I would have traded the experience I had when I served three years in the military. Or how could I ever give up the years when my only daughter was born and grew up. Obviously too, my second wife and I could not have made it twenty five years together if there were not some good times mixed in.

I guess you can say I became a survivor of all my male years. As I was surviving, it's important to note I was experimenting the entire time being feminine. I studied how the cis-women around me carried themselves and reacted to the public situations the best I could. And, although I could have never gone as far as I wanted to with my experimentations, the thoughts were always there in the back of my mind. Finally I made it to a point where I could develop a plan to see if I could in reality follow my dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Every time I was successful trying one adventure, I was able to move on to another. I learned one way or another I wasn't the only novice transvestite or cross dresser in the world as I began to successfully navigate clothing stores and malls where I lived. When I became bored, I started to go to more challenging venues such as restaurants and test the environments there to see if I would be accepted  When that worked I began to work on my overall communication skills and again concentrated on improving my presentation which was an ongoing process.

So, in reality, I wasn't wasting any time as I attempted to live a life between both of the main binary genders. Trying to do both nearly killed me before the doors opened wide and I again could pursue my life long gender dream. Could I ever really be brave enough to leave my male past behind, along with all the privilege I had earned and live as my authentic feminine self. 

The more I lived as a transgender woman, the more I felt I was doing the right thing and began to resent the fact I didn't try earlier. Throughout the whole process, it was easy to forget the evil days when I disliked all aspects of being male. But over the years I came to realize it was all a learning experience anyhow and helped me to realize how I could lead a more complete life.

Invited Diversity

Image from Danie Franco
on UnSplash

Recently I posted concerning my upcoming invitation to become apart of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association as some sort of a LGBTQ volunteer. 

More precisely I wanted to become an advocate for anyone facing the terror of Alzheimer's or Dementia memory loss during their life. Much of my passion for advocating comes from my own Dad passing from a very sad and ugly case of Dementia years ago. I figured if I somehow could help one person cope in the future, my effort would be worth it.

As I suspected, since volunteers are becoming rarer and rarer to come by these days, I was received with open arms. In fact, the person I "interviewed" with said I was a "needle in a haystack". Meaning it was becoming so difficult to locate anyone willing to give anytime at all to give time to the Alzheimer's Association. The Association does have a diversity committee but it is down to only three members with one wanting to leave. Plus, there are no transgender or LGBTQ members on the committee. Regardless of my expertise I am rare and thus the proverbial needle in the haystack.

What I was very much pleased to learn was the Alzheimer's Association already has an outreach program for LGBTQ patients. However what we transgender women and trans men know, much of the outreach doesn't extend to the transgender community. As I pointed out to the woman who interviewed me, the biggest thing I was paranoid about is if or when I need assisted living care, my gender is effectively taken away from me. That was the point when the person I was talking to told me the association provides extra assistance. Not that I doubt that but I again would feel blessed if I can provide an example to an accepting transgender family struggling with the tragedy of memory loss.

My starting point will be an initial diversity committee meeting coming up later in July. It will be interesting to see how I am accepted by the remainder of the super small committee whose diversity consists of race or national backgrounds. So I will be the first LGBTQ member and even more important the first transgender member. 

So far, the process went fairly smooth with the interviewer. She only mis gendered me once after immediately asking for my preferred pronouns. Of course she quickly profusely apologized but the damage was already done. 

We went on, and I will go onto the committee to learn in my small way if I can make a difference with a huge tragic problem.