Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.   

Living the Gender Lie

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

At some point in our lives as transgender women or trans men, many of us come to the point of telling ourselves enough is enough. Doing it is so very difficult because we tried so hard to live a lie. A lie is a lie. Once you begin to lie, you have to build in other lies to support the original one. In time, the original lie becomes unbearable.

At least that is how the process worked for me. As a kid and into adulthood I did all the right things I thought it took to be a man in a man's world. I played sports, served in the military, became a father and supported my family. It seemed the more I did to be a man, the more frustration I experienced. Perhaps it was because I was growing as my feminine self (or trying) at the same time. Being a railroad fanatic I can compare the process to two runaway trains approaching each other on the same track. A collision was not an if, it was a when. 

As I lived the process I also lived the pressure of such as an existence.  I am sure many of you can sympathize since you have gone through the same gender issues. Living the gender lie is a very real existence and it is no fun as a few transphobes would like the public to think it is. The life we live as transgender individuals is as diverse as any other so called "normal" humans and were definitely not just a lifetime phase we are going through. 

When you live a lie, you have a tendency to go overboard to protect the lie. When you are a transgender  woman that means often you have to over masculinize yourself. The result is an increased level of trans women in activities such as sports and the military. Anything to throw the outside world off the true track we are on concerning our hidden gender goals. Perhaps before we even know we had gender goals. Once I decided I needed or wanted goals, I finally decided to use them to do away with my gender lie once and for all. Since I was always a very much not a goal orientated person in my male life, it was quite the change for me. I had quite the motivation as my feminine person continued to grow and demanded more and more of a life. The more she wanted, the more pressure she created. 

In my case, pressure created results. In true feminine fashion my dominant self pushed and pushed until she finally got her way. Once she did, in dominant fashion , she never looked back. Most likely, the most ironic aspect of my MtF transition was my feminine self employed a decidedly male style push when she had the opportunity to be out in the world. Once she was out, she wasn't coming back. She was mocking me with a mental "I told you so" when it came to me living a gender lie. In addition she was very smug when I was very surprised with how well she did when she was given the chance to run my life. 

It's no wonder living a lie is not good for you no matter what lie you are trying to live. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I felt when I finally decided to take a major step and live full time as a transgender woman. It seemed the weight of the world was off my shoulders. It seemed my parents were right about not lying. Except when it came to severe gender issues they would never been able to understand.

Climbing the Gender Mountain

 

Image from David Billings
on UnSplash

As we transform ourselves over the years to live as our authentic gender selves many changes take place. Recently I came to the conclusion the whole process is similar to climbing a gender mountain. Initially we start in a huge valley and attempt to make our way out. 

Similar to so many of you, I started my journey exploring the wonderful world of my Mom's clothes and then working my way to the mirror. On a good day I was able to gather enough courage to walk down our long driveway to the mailbox when I was dressed. We lived on a rural road so cars were rare and discovery was nearly non existent.  Even so, I felt I had reached the first pinnacle of my climb and I rested then wanted more. If I had more guidance back then, I am sure I wouldn't have to have waited all those years to understand I was much more than a casual cross dresser who was attracted to wearing feminine clothes. 

Perhaps the next step I took up the mountain was when I started to go to Halloween parties as the most attractive woman I could be. Each year I improved the process so much on occasion I was mistaken for a cis woman. I loved it when it happened and was so sad when I had to wait another long year before another Halloween rolled around. Another year of just me and my mirror. The one thing I knew for sure was once I had reached a certain point of acceptance in my preferred gender, I could never go back to my unwanted, mundane male life. From Halloween interactions forward in my life, times were due to become more complex as the climb became steeper. Once I started to break out of my gender closet and explore, the more I saw of the mountain, the more I wanted.

Those were the days of escaping the endless clothing stores and malls searching for acceptance and doing my best to climb even higher to my goal of existing as a transgender woman in the public's eye. This step was radical for me and required years of work and years of learning on what I needed to do to achieve the new goals I had set up for myself. In fact, for the longest time back then I wasn't even aware I needed any gender goals. What I did know was the more I was able to look out and experience this new wonderful world I was in, the more I loved it. I certainly wanted to attempt to keep climbing. The problem was I was becoming increasingly engaged in a fight with my male self over my actual life as I knew it. In other words I was becoming more stressed on how I spent my time in each of my competing genders. Not to mention a marriage I was trying to protect . I can compare it to climbing to a certain point and then looking up to see how far I still needed to go.

At this point, the stress of the climb became too much and I became very self destructive. All the way down to falling into the valley of a suicide attempt. Of course it took me time to restart my climb after dealing with that massive set back but somehow I was able. Perhaps the biggest reason why was deep down I knew I was on the right path. I knew somehow I needed to climb higher and see what life offered. The next step I took was a major one when I started hormone replacement therapy which helped to further feminize my exterior self to sync with  my interior self. Once I did the HRT, new wonderful opportunities to climb opened up to me. Even still since I am afraid of heights, the fear of going higher often scared me.

Finally, with the help of several very supportive friends and family I was able to undertake a major step upward and decided to live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. By the time I did, I wondered why it took me so long because I felt so natural. I was just afraid to climb.

Impostor Symdrome

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection on a dinner date.

To me, impostor syndrome means once you are out and about as your authentic self  in public and all of a sudden you suffer from sneaking suspicions all is not right begins to influence you. It's similar to completing all the hard work it takes to prepare yourself for meeting the public. I vividly remember stressing out over the smallest details of my hair, makeup and clothing. When I did, the most amazing thing happened, I began to make it in the world as a transgender woman. For the most part, I was walking on cloud nine in my heels I wore all the time back in the day. 

Perhaps I was just waiting for the other shoe to fall when it came to dealing with the public. Normally, all the problems came about when I was engaging with other women, As I remember, the conversation started quite normally and as I tried my best to modulate my voice and sound feminine, I could see in the person's eyes they were thinking something was wrong. Somehow, someway I couldn't seem to close the deal I was a woman. As I considered again what I was doing wrong, I thought I had (or was) covering all the bases of why I couldn't feel entirely comfortable.

Looking back, I don't think I considered the most important parts of what was causing my impostor syndrome. I know I was very impatient and on occasion expected miracles when I went public for the first times. I didn't take into consideration how long it takes a cis woman to grow from being a female into living as a woman. It is not an easy task or even a given for either binary gender to grow up and be a responsible human being. Plus, even through I had been cross dressing as a transvestite in front of the mirror for years before I went into the world, I missed many of the basics I would need to survive and hopefully prosper. I never faced the fact I never had any of the peer or Mom influence on my fashion and public appearance. To put it mildly, there was quite a bit of catching up to do.

I also had to overcome the initial bad experiences I went through when I first escaped my dark lonely closet. I needed to try to forget all the times I was laughed at or stared at in public as well as bad restroom experiences when I had the cops called on me. Even though I have used the women's room  with no problems for years now, I still have the slightest fear of push back when all I am doing is going to the bathroom. Impostor syndrome at it's worst even though I have been in so many different restroom situations over the years, Again with no problems. 

Since I was able to live an unwanted but fairly successful male life for so many years, I am asking too much for my impostor syndrome to just go away in my feminine life. I have every bit of a right to occupy a spot in a woman's circle as any other cis woman. I just earned my rights in a different way. The problem I often have is the only person I have to convince about my femininity is myself. Impostor syndrome is hard to shake after all. After all these years of letting my feminine person out of her closet she should be allowed to totally rule my world without all these distractions. 

Staying in Your Gender Lane

Image from Robert V, Roggiero on
UnSplash

Seemingly, gender differences are one of the earliest things we learn in life. By learn I mean we come to realize there are differences in gender. To simplify the matter, I should use the differences between boys and girls. For the fortunate ones, they never question their biological sex matching up with their mental gender. At that point, if we have questions, staying in our gender lane becomes a huge issue which can linger for life. 

I mention often I grew up around very few girls and I was in a boy's world. There was only one time I can remember an incident which could be called I will show you mine if you show me yours. It came up innocently enough between the only girl and the boys. All it did was reinforce the differences we had as separate genders. Years later all I really remember about the encounter is that it happened. There was no blinding realization I wanted what the girl had between her legs. To this day, I have had no strong desire to undergo any gender realignment surgeries of any kind as I feel my gender has already been aligned by the way I live. Finding a spot in my gender lane was far from easy and took me years of learning. 

Sometimes I believe children are born gender free and early in life are forced into stereotypical boys and girls roles. In my case, I never was afforded the chance to look around the world and determine which gender I wanted to be because my sex was biologically set at birth. I am often asked when I knew something was different about me and now I reply I always knew I was different. I just didn't know how. It took me years to define my gender was different than my assigned sex and I would have a lifetime of issues because of it. Perhaps my gender issues began in my Mother's womb when she was prescribed a hormonal drug to prevent miscarriages but of course I have no way of really knowing. Plus, blaming the medication (D.E.S) would just be an unnecessary crutch anyhow. 

The older I became and the more proficient I became in expressing my feminine side, the more difficult it was for me to stay in my original male gender lane. Especially when it came to the time when I began to understand my gender was completely between my ears and my sex was between my legs and my problems stemmed from syncing up my life. It all added up to severe issues when I at first attempted to change lanes from the male to the female side of the road. As "Stana" from the Femulate blog always says, she turned on her turn signals and used her horn when she entered the passing lane. If you are familiar with her blog, you know she does well in the passing lane.  For the majority of novice transgender women, men or cross dressers we are not naturals and using a new gender lane takes a lot of effort. 

One of the main problems is the gender lanes are crowded and have very different rules to obey. It often takes years of practice to learn the new basics of gender life you are trying to live, Then you have to face the potentially other hostile inhabitants in your lane. Anymore with the number of new anti-transgender bills in quite a few states, our gender lane as trans people seems to be tilted against us. It's bad enough if you have to face an insecure hostile man  but sometimes it is just as bad when a hostile cis woman or TERF does not want you in her lane. 

The good part is, once you make it into the new gender lane you are seeking, no one can force you back,  You have passed into your authentic life and have every right to  enjoy the respect you  deserve. 

Time Grew Short

Ohio River Pride from the
Jessie Hart Collection

I was just passing the age of sixty when I finally decided to retire my long unwanted male life and start anew as a transgender woman. Of course one of the main factors I faced when I decided a transition was the best and only way I go in life was my age. I wasn't getting younger. Since, all of the sudden, I was facing my mortality I felt it was time to make a decision on my gender issues.

Even still, with time catching up to me, I still had many decisions to consider when I looked at attempting a  major gender transition. Examples are the usual ones such as what was I going to tell my family and what was left of my friends all the way to what was I going to do about my finances and a job. On the other hand, I did have several benefits stemming from the life I had lived up to being sixty.

One of the main benefits I had was the fact I had spent nearly fifty years being a serious transvestite or cross dresser. During that time, I had plenty of occasions to leave my gender closet and experiment in a women's world. By the time I decided to completely transition (at least to living full time) I had managed to go through my second puberty clothing wise and began to dress to blend in with the world. Backtracking a bit, I don't think any transgender person ever gets a chance to transition completely until  passing away. Then their family must follow the trans person's wishes to be buried (or what ever) with the transgender person's chosen gender. Always a guessing game, sadly. Thinking of what was left of my future totally pushed me into getting started. I had no time to waste.

Since I had nearly completed the difficult task of learning the feminine arts of makeup and clothing, my biggest challenge was beginning to build a whole new person who could interact in the world as a transgender woman. As I worked on the process, I needed to learn to multi task. In other words, I needed to learn how to react to those casual observers of mine who may have initially thought I was a cis-woman. Then, there were all the others who knew I was transgender and may have reacted differently when they got to know me. The entire process was intimidating but exciting at the same time. My lack of male friends when I was sixty is well documented. I didn't have many to be concerned with because by that time of my life, they had nearly all passed away. So I was starting from scratch in the friend department. 

As time grew short, I found I needed more and more to relax and enjoy how my inner feminine person was reacting to her time to live.  She learned quickly how to react to other people and decide if she wanted to be friends or not. I also found a new level of respect I never felt as a man, probably because most other women knew I was being my authentic self and respected me for it. I was fortunate I had ultra supportive women such as my daughter and other very supportive women who helped me along when I started hormone replacement therapy in my early sixties.

Through it all I was humored when someone attempted to say they were more trans than I because I waited so long to transition. Even though I often think I should have crossed the gender frontier earlier in life, there were times in my male life I wouldn't give up for anything. The birth of my daughter is the primary example.  The rest of the time, I prefer to think I was just trying to make the best of an unfortunate gender situation. Finally, the pressure of attempting to live as two genders proved to be too much for me to handle. After much thought, I took the correct way out and chose to live as a fulltime transgender woman. I had put reality off long enough.   

Gender Escapism

Image from UnSplash and Let's go Together

 For most of the earlier years of my MtF gender transition I literally and figuratively tried to hide behind my skirts. As I was attempting to make my way through an unpleasant male existence, when nearly anything happened to me which I considered unpleasant, I resorted to thinking if I was feminine I could escape my problems. Little did I know, or consider at the time, girls/women had their own set of problems to deal with. 

Let's take dating for example. As I was very shy to begin with, asking any girl out was a huge problem for me. From that point forward I would have rather been the pursued not the pursuer and have someone ask me out instead. Of course it never happened. Another example was when I didn't make the cut for the junior varsity football team at the very small school I attended. When it happened I immediately wanted to go back home and try on my feminine clothes in front of the mirror. In addition, my top fantasy was how it would be to be one of the school's ultra pretty and popular cheerleaders. While at the same time not taking into the amount of work the girls would have to put in to do it.

It wasn't until years later when I realized how much my escapism hurt my life. Every time I ran to hide behind my skirts turned out to be a time when I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Once I did, I finally began to build the courage to leave my male existence behind and begin a new life as a full time transgender woman. Essentially I was following through on what my second wife told me to do. Be man enough to be a woman. Sadly I wasn't able to accomplish what she told me until after she passed away and she was never able to meet the new woman I was destined to become. Since through much of our marriage I was intensely unhappy with my gender, I believe she would be happy I made it to a point where I could be satisfied with life. 

When I did "make it" to the other side of the gender border or frontier I discovered also the many faceted problems a woman has to go through to live. Cis-women are certainly born into the high maintenance gender. From everything such as child carrying and birthing all the way to just dealing with everyday appearances and emotions, women have to shoulder the burden of life.  It's no wonder cis-men say they don't understand women (or don't want to) because on a day to day basis they don't have to deal with lives often as difficult as women have to deal with. Which brings me to the point I make over and over again. Why would any man in their right mind leave an easier gender existence and attempt to live as a transgender woman. The answer is, and always will be is because we had to. We had no choice and needed to change how we lived our lives. Most certainly, the new gender grass was not always greener but we needed to try it out anyway because it all felt so natural.  Plus, the change just had to work to save our life. 

Gender escapism didn't work for me. Finally life caught up with me and taught me to stand up for my true self and live full time as a transgender woman. 

Was the Transition Risk Worth It?

Image from Sammie Chaffin
on UnSplash

 The answer to this question most likely depends on where you may be in your gender transition. If you are just beginning, the risks coming fast and furious these days may seem to be to much to handle. Until recently with the barrage of anti transgender political bills, I considered the era I transitioned in to have been more risky. Now I am not so sure.

As I remember, the biggest problems I faced were of my own doing such as my well documented fashion errors which led to me being rejected by the public. Once I conquered being able to present properly as a woman, I could then move on to other problems. The main one was the sudden possibility I could carve out a new relatively successful life in a feminine world. The main things which were holding me back were the extreme risks involved with following my gender dream. In my life up to that point I had achieved success in going against the odds and taking risks. The main example I can recall was when I was drafted during the ill-fated Vietnam War. Instead of serving the two year draft time, I chose the three year enlistment time and set out to see if any branch of the military offered anything close to my career in radio broadcasting. It turns out the Army did  and with the help of a US Congressman I was able to be accepted into the American Forces Radio and Television Service and then served in Thailand and Germany. You might say I was successful. 

As the years went by, I left the broadcasting business and entered the food service industry which was expanding rapidly. I was able to increase my income substantially and begin a love/hate relationship for the next thirty plus years.  The problem was, I became so adept running restaurants I was paid more handsomely for my efforts. Taking chances with my feminine life became more and more of a problem. The more successful I became in the male dominated world I was in, the more I lost if I suddenly left it. I tried desperately to exist in both gender worlds to no avail. The process became so apparent, the more I did in my new and exciting feminine the more natural I felt. The more natural I felt, the easier it became to take on the new risks I was experiencing even though I was overall terrified about the path my life was taking. 

I never attempt to speak (or write) for anyone else but for me the risk I took to stop my male life and rebuild a new one as a transgender woman was worth it. Especially when I began hormone replacement therapy which I understand has a new name these days. Regardless I look at the point when I started HRT as the point of no return for my old unwanted male self. I was ready to take the final risk to begin a new natural gender life. If, on the other hand if you are still in your gender closet, don't despair because you never know when doors may open for you to explore the world. One never can tell the future and often destiny can lead in unexpected directions. 

Sadly, though, the longer we wait, the more risks we transgender women or trans men have to take when we transition. We develop family, friends and employment to navigate. When the risk became no choice as it did in my case, it was time to take another key step in my transgender transition, throw away all my male clothes, become femininized by the hormones  and start a new life.