More on Gender Dysphoria

 Ironically, thanks to Michelle commenting on a recent Cyrsti's Condo post, plus a recent article I read called the "Joy of Being Transgender" by Riley Black in the on line "Medium" magazine, I have been positively subjected to a couple great ideas concerning gender dysphoria. 

First, Michelle's comment:

"Here's a thought that many of us might not think about. We have these moments that our GD (gender dysphoria) makes us feel good about ourselves and at other times we think the worst. I wonder just how many cis-women have almost the same feelings about their looks, mannerisms, relationships, etc.. I have talked to female friends about their feelings and find that many have similar feelings and emotions that I have. I know that most women don't dwell on those thoughts but somewhere in the back of their minds it's there. It started way back in early childhood when they were trying to find their niche in life and to some degree it has continued to later life. The only real difference between them and trans women is that time is more compressed for us."

You are completely correct Michelle! Plus, anyone who doesn't think cis women don't go through their own brand of dysphoria is not facing reality. I have met very few cis women who don't go through some sort of contortions to meet society's standards. Examples would be diets, work outs, makeup etc. 

The second post I found is from Riley Black and is on the Medium site. Riley writes about the joy of the changes coming from her HRT. (hormone replacement therapy). As much as I try, I couldn't find much of a spot to jump in and give you a brief idea of what the writer is striving to get to. She blends it so well. However, I will try:

"I wish I could go back to myself two years ago, freshly out of a long-term relationship and just prior to starting hormone replacement therapy as I tried to pull my life together in a tiny basement apartment. The best I can do is go back and read my old journal entries from that time. Dated December 30th, 2018:

I feel like my brain and body are not in total alignment. I can think of many reasons not to change, not to follow this. But every time I do something a little more femme — the corset, the dress, thigh highs — my body flushes and my happiness seems evident. I find myself touching my chest more, wishing there were breasts there, and looking in the mirror, trying to envision what I might look like. It’s hard to imagine. I see stubble and sharp angles. Not the most masculine, but not exactly feminine, which just makes the thought of tits filling out my tees seems ridiculous. But I won’t know until I explore a little more.

Fast forward to today. I’m not washing up in the shower, touching my chest and asking what having breasts might feel like. I know. They’re there, tangible evidence of what time and a bit of estrogen can do. “They bounce,” as my girlfriend likes to remind me."

If you would like to read more, I have added a link above for you to try. One fact remains though, gender dysphoria remains  a very complex and personal issue.

Such a Day

 Yesterday was my scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist. It was a virtual visit so I didn't have to drive the 45 minutes to do it, which was nice. It was nice too, to put on a little makeup  for the visit. Little did I know such a small action would result in triggering my gender dysphoria for the entire day. 

First though, my appointment went well and I received refills on my all important hormone replacement therapy meds...spiro and estradiol. She asked all the relevant questions about body feminization, body hair and blood pressure. Spiro can be known to decrease blood pressure too low and cause a person to be dizzy. It is also used to lower testosterone. Mine is very low (15) so I am considering cutting back on my dosage which hopefully will cut back on the dizziness I feel in the morning. I did have to set up another blood test on my hormone levels for her when I go see the laboratory "vampires" in November to make sure my estrogen level isn't too high. I figure I will jump off that bridge when I come to it. 

As far as the gender dysphoria went, if the truth be known, I probably am somewhere between the best look I think I have and the worst look I try to work through. I know too, appearance is but a small part of what works together to make me a transgender woman.

Which means, the worst part of the whole activity is it is a total waste of time and I don't know why I continue to subject myself to it. I can only surmise gender dysphoria will be with me as long as I live and days such as I just went through won't be the last. 

The Craft Returns

 As you may recall, a former Cyrsti's Condo post featured a transgender "craft" theme.

How the idea started was a post I saw from the "Daily Pilot" on the return of the 1990's cult classic "The Craft". It follows a coven of teen witches. A casting call last year sought a transgender actress for one of the four witches in the reboot and came up with "Zoey Luna" (below)

When she auditioned for the part, Luna didn't even have a manager. But Dante Alencastre’s documentary “Raising Zoey” chronicled her transition as a young girl in Downey and premiered at Outfest in 2016. She followed up that project by appearing in the first episode of the HBO’s four-part docuseries “15: A Quinceañera Story.”

In 2019, it was announced Luna would join the quartet of four teen witches. 

In its latest annual report, GLAAD found that none of the eight major studios released a film in 2019 with any transgender characters, much less Latinx ones. This year will be different thanks to “The Craft: Legacy” alone when it arrives Oct. 28 to video on demand.

Finally, Luna said: The Craft needed a type of queer energy,” says Luna. “I’m really grateful for all the other trans kids that are going to get to see this film.”

The Trans Craft

 We all know there is an amazing amount of effort which goes into the gender transition enabling we transgender women and men to live comfortably in our chosen gender. It is truly an unending craft a person has to learn. To name a few important gender variables, there are make-up, clothes, hair, accessories, deportment and communication to consider. Then again, even a "normal" cis woman is constantly learning about her life as she lives it. We all know from our "observations" how positively cliquish cis women are about basically dressing the same. Examples would be as they age, skirts grow longer (when they wear them at all) and/or their hair gets shorter. 

Although, I didn't intend it to be when I started to write this post, I have decided to reference Stana's recent post in her "Femulate" blog. Years ago, I experienced the pleasure of briefly meeting Stana when she was in Dayton, Ohio. The one most amazing part of her presentation I remember were her remarkable legs. She is tall and her legs went on forever. I remember also the few men in the hotel lobby who noticed her too.

Stana is approximately my more mature age and like any women of our years we face certain pressures to conform. Legs in her case and hair in mine are prime examples. My hair is way too long for a woman of my age. It has grown down to nearly the middle of my back now. I look at it this way. I have waited decades to be able to grow it this long and if I am condemned by a few, so be it. It's all part of my "craft". I don't have to worry about wanting to wear dresses everywhere. I never have and was condemned by more than a few other cross dressers when I started to come out because of my desire to wear slacks or even jeans. 

On the other hand, Stana, keep showing off those amazing legs! You have them girl, flaunt them!

Finally, if the truth be known, this post was supposed to go another way. So I will save it for another day. 

Gender in a Cage

Among the rest of the critters around here (three cats and a dog) we have a ferret. Ours used to have a companion in her cage but he passed away some time ago. Since she really doesn't have a choice, the ferret is very territorial of what is in her cage.

This morning, as Liz was feeding her, she left the cage door open for a couple minutes. As I observed the ferret checking out her potential freedom, I was surprised she didn't attempt it. She simply leaned out of the opening and never made a break for it. 

The whole episode made me think of my life as a transgender woman. I reflected back on all the years I had to stare longingly at any opening I had to cross dress and leave the closet. But, similar to our ferret, it took me years to make the leap to gender freedom and live my life in a feminine world. 

Who knows? Would I still be lingering behind if it had not be for a series of friends who helped push me out of my closet and into the world. Another way to look at it was, I viewed changing how I lived crossing the gender frontier as sliding down a slippery slope towards a very steep cliff. 

About that time, when I was frequenting sports bars cross dressed, I encountered, friends such as Kim, Racquel and Nikki who always saw my feminine side. As I was able to slide down the slope and see the opening which was preventing me from gender transitioning totally and escaping my cage or closet.

Then there was people like Liz and Andrea who made sure my landing was soft and more exciting than I ever could have imagined. I also would be remiss if I didn't mention another group of people such as Trish, Ed, Jen., Steve and Debra (and others) whose acceptance was so critical to me building a new life. 

Of course, I can't tell what the ferret thinks but I am so happy I made it out of my cage!

Another Look at Transgender Socialization

 Connie responded to the Cyrsti's Condo post on transgender socialization with a look of her own:

"It's true, at least in my case, that living a gender-dichotomous life has required a different sort of socialization. My experiences have been three decades ahead of Ms Tanenbaum's, and, as such, included even more of a self-induced socialization - especially during my formative years. Society was largely black and white on gender in the 50s and 60s. In those days, if one displayed behaviors that did not strictly adhere to society's expectations, they would probably be labeled homosexual. As much as I wished I were a girl, I was more afraid of being seen as a gay boy. From what little I knew (or thought I knew) of gay people at the time, I was absolutely certain that I didn't fit that mold - certain most of the time, that is. I often contemplated the possibility that I was, but would dismiss it because I was attracted to girls. But, then, I would wonder whether I were only attracted to girls because I wanted to be like them, or that I wanted to be "with" them.

Perhaps, the bigger question would be: If I were like them, would they still want to be "with" me? In real life, I was socialized male by default. In my own secret fairy tale life, I was astute enough to the socialization of the girls that I could appropriate femininity any time my male-self was not in demand. There were so many times that I would come home dead-tired from football practice, but become completely regenerated by the chance to express my feminine-self when I knew nobody else would be home for an hour or two. Looking back on it, football was my release, while abandoning all male expectation in favor of my female-self was my relief. Eventually, long after my football days, it was becoming dead-tired of just meeting male socialized expectations, at all, that led me to a more-feminine socialized existence. Inasmuch as "trans socialization" is being used as an argument against certain feminists' accusations that male socialization invalidates a trans woman's actual womanhood, I'm not sure it's enough to change their minds. 

Personally, I'm not really concerned, anyway. For those who would judge me more by how I got here than by who I am now, I have no time for wasting. I had already wasted enough valuable time judging myself the same way."

Thanks for the comment!

How the Army Made a Girl out of Me.

 As strange as it may seem, my three year stint in the Army, so long ago did wonders to further my goal of living as my authentic self. It turned out it just took me a while to get here.

First of all my forced enlistment was instrumental in ending a toxic relationship I was in with my first fiancé I was with in college. She knew I was a cross dresser and expected me to use it to stay out of the draft by saying I was gay. Obviously, I didn't.

Then there was basic training where everyone learned how to be an infantryman. Needless to say, there was no room to pursue the true source of my gender dysphoria, What it did do though was to make me mentally tough enough to realize sooner or later I could achieve almost any goal. After all, I was heading to what was deemed an impossible Army job as a radio/television broadcaster. I ended up serving on three continents  in three years.

During the process, as I have written many times, I met the woman who was to present me with the greatest gift of my life, my daughter Andrea. Even though she was to find out later on I was a cross dresser (or transvestite) back in those days, when I summoned up the courage to dress completely as a woman at a Halloween party we went to. I ended up admitting to her and two other friends later on my desire to dress as a woman. This was way back in the days in the Army before the "Don't ask, don't tell" LGBTQ so called protection policy. So I could have found myself in trouble if the wrong people found out my "secret". 

It turned out this experience in the Army set the way for me to work harder on my cross dressing feminine presentation and even to attempt to come out to my Mother. Which turned out to be a failure. Undeterred, I continued to stay in my closet and explore being a girl.

Throughout the middle of my life, regardless of what the Army taught me (or didn't), I became a more accomplished feminine person and increasingly wanted to try out my new found skills in the public's eye. It was about this time as I lost almost everything else in my life, I decided to take advantage of the Veteran's Administration medical benefits which would include access to hormone replacement therapy or HRT. It turned out, the meds resulted in a wonderful feminization process which continues to this day.

So you could say again, the Army was and is - is making a girl out of me. 

  

Transgender Socialized

 There is a collection of LGBTQ posts called "Medium" which I have recently been exposed to. Since after a few visits, it becomes a paid site, I was too strapped financially to explore it further. However, through another person's blog I follow, I was able to explore another post concerning being socialized as transgender from Theresa Jean Tanenbaum.

Following my decades long attempt to fit into a male world (and failing), I have given too much thought to the fitting in process, or the lack of. I never really considered the process as being socialized as such. Until I read Theresa's post.

Here is part of it:

"I’ve been a girl my whole life, but I didn’t always know it. As a result, many of my childhood experiences were defined by cognitive dissonance. Growing up as a trans girl is like being gaslit by the whole world and still finding the strength and confidence to say “No! THIS is who I am!” After all, no other girls are subjected to the same degree of toxic masculinity as trans girls. No other girls are forced into boys locker rooms, or men’s restrooms, or all-male prep schools. No other girls are told to “man up!” or “don’t be a sissy”. No other girls are asked to prove they are girls again and again, by people who can’t themselves clearly explain what standard of proof they require, short of direct inspection of their genitals.

Trans girls are sent into male spaces, like canaries in coal mines, often not knowing why we don’t fit it. Not knowing why we are uncomfortable. When we express discomfort with the bullying we frequently experience at the hands of boys, we’re told that “that’s just how boys are” so we’d better get used to it. My failure to properly participate in male tribal behaviors made me a target for male aggression throughout my childhood. Boys who had been taught to “never hit a girl” had no problem starting a fight with someone they perceived as a boy, who acted, talked, and responded like a girl.

For my entire childhood I thought that it was normal to feel sick and nervous around other kids. 

To feel like the other kids were following some script that I couldn’t read. Fearing that if I got a line wrong they’d turn on me. Interacting with boys always made me feel like a rabbit sneaking through a den of lions….one misstep and I’d be devoured. Boys radiated danger to me. "

There is more and you can read it here.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

 Another blog I follow all the time through another blogging platform is the "Tony Burgess" Blog. 

He features many different quotes and every now and then, one really seems to lend itself to the transgender experience. Here is one of them.