Playing with Dolls

Perhaps you remember Roddy Alves who went through all the expensive and painful surgeries to resemble a human "Ken-Doll"? Well, he became tired of being Ken, and now wants to be Barbie:

You May Be Trans If...

My word goal for my book is a rather mundane 60,000 words. Supposedly, the average book contains 64,000 words. So, along the way, I am trying my best to remember every little nuance of my life and how it related to me ultimately deciding I was transgender. I easily remembered the Christmases with no doll as a gift and the envy I felt when my girl cousins appeared up in their velvet dresses, black patent shoes and white tights. 

I remembered too, the fishing trips we took to Canada as a family. On occasion, on the interstate we would encounter another car with a girl I could admire. One in particular stands out to me. She had long dark hair and was riding by herself in the back seat. My heart ached to be just like her. 

What has been harder to remember ironically are the years later in my life when I was still so envious of the feminine gender. The biggest envy was not so surprising. As the Vietnam War increasingly encroached on my life through high school and college, I really resented the fact women didn't have to worry about being drafted and killed too. 

Recently as I considered all of this I remembered vividly one of the conversations my second wife and I had one summer day when I was in one of my severe emotional downers. In fact, it was during one of the vacations we took to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. During that period of my life, I had achieved quite a bit. I was a highly successful restaurant manager with a loving wife and daughter and a unique restored Civil War brick home. She finally sensed my mood and asked what the one thing I needed to allow myself to be happy. I never gave her the answer I quickly thought of. I wanted to be a woman. I would rather be making the trip as a girl. Instead I did the manly thing and hid my emotions. Sooner more than later, we would be back home and I could cover up my true emotions by cross dressing and relieving the strain for awhile. 

Looking back at just these three instances (there were more of course) I wonder now what took me so long to come out as trans and how I even made it at all. The only way I really did make it was maintaining a rather frenetic lifestyle, with a pressure packed job and self medication with too much alcohol. I was able to build a successful male life which was difficult to think about giving up totally. So again I did the guy thing and tried to "tough" my way through it. 

What  a relief it was when I finally decided I was transgender and had been all along.     

Building a Dream

I am currently working on one of chapters of my book which focuses on the past decade or so of my life. I did it because it occurred to me a large majority of the book dealt entirely with my life before that time and nothing more current. 

One of the ideas which occurred to me was how long it actually took me to leave my male self/life behind.  I literally wasted decades seeking out an answer to my gender dysphoria which I had known all along and was afraid to confront. I only knew the time I was spending as a prospective transgender woman felt increasingly natural. The changes came because the time I was spending in a feminine world had changed because of my perspective. Suddenly I was approaching my life as a transgender woman as just that...not a cross dresser. There was a huge adjustment to face when I did it.

There was also the question of what I was going to do with the decades of male baggage I carried with me. I was fortunate in that I discovered I could go to and be accepted by others with similar "hobbies" such as drinking draft beer and watching sports. In fact, back in those days, it was just becoming fashionable for all women to enjoy a craft beer and watch a game on one of the many new giant televisions in the venue. 

I began to appreciate the male years which had did their best to deliver me to the spot I had finally arrived. After all, the body I inherited proved to be very resilient to health problems and provided me just enough background to not be bullied much at all. Plus, good or bad, my body had carried me through three years in the Army and provided my share of DNA to reproduce a very talented and intelligent accepting daughter. 

I'm not a big fan of "what if's" but if I had it all to do over again, I would have followed through on my wife's advice to be man enough to be a woman much earlier. I was just too stubborn to do it.  

Another Transgender Success!

Variety reported in January transgender actress Josie Totah will be playing "Lexie" a beautiful cheerleader and the most popular girl at Bayside High School in the reboot of the "Saved by the Bell" television series. Josie Totah is 18 years old. For more, go here.

Big day Out?

Anymore, Sunday has replaced Saturday as our "market" day. This morning though, Liz was feeling bad with a headache, so this Sunday morning changed around for me significantly. 

First of all, I went through my wardrobe and found a pair of distressed jeans I haven't worn for awhile. I tossed them in the laundry yesterday and surprisingly they fit me well. From there I found a matching lightweight soft sweater and decided it was time to put on some makeup and get ready. Getting ready for me still involves some shaving. Since I am blessed to have a light beard anyhow which is predominantly gray these days I don't have to seek out expensive painful electrologist sessions to look my best. From beginning to end on a normal day, getting ready to go takes approximately fifteen minutes to apply my makeup. This morning though, I took the extra step of wearing ear-rings. I felt I needed to, to insure the piercing holes in my ears are still open. Which they were.

After all this effort though, it was still unclear if Liz felt good enough to go at all. After a couple cups of coffee she felt good enough for a partial trip to our pharmacy. From there she decided she still had to go to the market for a few essentials. By this time, I was regretting not bringing my mask so I had to stay in the car  to be safe. 

For once, the wait wasn't very long, plus I was still enjoying being out, no pun intended! Finally, on the way home I offered to buy us lunch to go at our favorite local BBQ venue. I happened to see the owner this morning on the local news speaking on the difficulties the virus has caused local, home owned small businesses. I am especially sensitive to restaurants since I spent most of my career in them. So we headed to their store front and ordered lunch out of our meager funds and felt good about supporting them. 

Please make sure you are supporting your local small businesses too!

So much for my exciting day out.

A Triple Transition?

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo how I believe I have transitioned twice in my gender journey. The most likely transition was from cross dresser to transgender. It took me over a decade to finally decide I could make the decision to live a full time feminine existence. For me, starting hormone replacement therapy sealed the decision. In a relatively short period of time, it became impossible to hide the changes in my body. I know too, others who have not needed hormonal assistance to make the transition. 

Now I think there is a third gender transition on the journey, To be fair, like so many other ideas here in the Condo, I picked this up from a Tweet I read on one of my email feeds. The person was explaining how she had transitioned from what her previous male self had thought she would be all the way to what her feminine soul knew she was. 

I thought, Wow! That was me, When I first began going out and exploring the world as a transgender woman, I spent way more time on worrying about how I looked rather than how I felt. In fact, if you go back to the earliest days of this blog, you will notice a definite difference in an underlying theme. Again, it was appearance over feelings. 

Of course, living full time did have a lasting impact on me. Having to plan a wardrobe out of only feminine clothes for days, weeks, months and years has taught me what I needed to transition from what my former male self thought would be appropriate to what my inner woman told me what I really was. For what it is worth, my partner predicted the very same thing would happen years ago when she asked me what kind of a woman would emerge. 

Who emerged was a person who wouldn't normally leave the house without some sort of makeup but wasn't the extreme picky fashionista I used to be. In other words I could be described as a "lipstick lesbian" a little mixture of leftover butch with a touch of makeup. 

The interesting part of all of this speculation is the fact I am still evolving in my journey when I think it is nearly over.

Who knows, maybe there could be a fourth transition other than death. The ultimate one.  

New Transgender Parents

From the ITV News:

"A transgender couple have said they "could not be happier or more grateful" to announce the birth of their daughter.

Cardiff-born mother Hannah Graf, who was the highest-ranking transgender officer in the British army, came out as a transgender woman in 2013.

Jake Graf, who is a television director and actor, transitioned in 2008.

The couple announced in December they were expecting a baby.

Jake said that the couple's "amazing surrogate" gave birth to their daughter on Tuesday morning."

More Rest Room Hints

Connie wrote in with more restroom hints:

"At our age, carrying a Tampon and offering it may be grounds for suspicion. Carrying and offering an incontinence pad may work, however. :-) Also, since - no matter how many surgeries we would get - we will still always have a prostate that is often affected by age. So, flow may vary. I had a cross dresser friend who used to describe what she heard in the ladies room as a "cow pissing on a flat rock." I could never duplicate that sound, especially when sitting. But then, I almost always squat, as I don't really like sitting on pubic toilet seats. When it's a unisex facility, I especially won't sit, since there are plenty of guys who won't lift the seat, just as there are guys who won't put it down.

Another thing to remember, especially when wearing pantyhose, is to always check to be sure you have not tucked the back of your dress. I did that once, in my fledgling days, and a woman ran to warn me just as I was going out the door into the crowded lobby of a theater. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also had a ribbon of toilet paper stuck to my high heel. Needless to say, any attempts I'd made to not be noticed while in the restroom were completely blown as I tried to leave!"

I neglected to say I carried the feminine hygiene products way back in the day when I was younger and could have been perceived as still needing one. Plus, I wanted to be ready for the first snarky cis woman who asked me for one. 

I also appreciate the dress in the pantyhose comment, as it has happened to me too. Also, the long skirts I own and specifically the two maxi dresses in my wardrobe totally intimidate me in the rest room. 

Even with all these ideas, I am sure there are a couple I am missing. Of course cis women have most likely lived through all of these "Girl Code" bathroom debacles too and could add their own... like what do you do when there are no paper towels after you wash your hands. 

If you have anything to add...please comment! Thanks as always for yours Connie.

What you See Is What you Get

Monday night I did participate in the on line cross dresser-transgender support group meeting. I was surprised it was less well attended than I expected. I wasn't so surprised in the number of new participants who were just coming out of their closets (at least with others) to explore their femininity. Remarkably to me, there was another person who checked in who was ten years older than even me. She is 80! I was interested to see also, what sort of effort the attendees put into their appearance. For the most part, those few who did "dress-up" mentioned it was to relieve the boredom of dressing in their old boring guy self as they are stuck at home. At that point I added I am a what you see is what you get person. In other words, I don't have any male clothes to be seen in. Even if I wanted to. 

On the other hand, I did (like I always do) put on a light application of makeup and brushed out my hair. I am fortunate in that my former hair dresser and I decided to let my hair revert back to it's natural shade. So I don't have to worry about going back to the old days of trying to color it at home. I went through more than a few adventures attempting to make my hair a different color and presentable. I found out the hard way how easy it was to color everything else other than my hair. 

So, with a touch of makeup and a quick brushing of my hair, I was ready to go and I hoped the camera on my lap-top would help me too. It turned out not to matter much anyhow. Predictably, the new people spoke at length about their coming out (as they should). All I really added was how my endocrinologist had approved another six months of my recently increased estradiol prescription. 

All in all, I found the meeting to be interesting but no substitute for the real thing.  

By the way, the picture is from last years' Cincinnati, Ohio pride. My hair is rapidly getting close to that length again.