We Got Mail

I received two great comments about the Cyrsti's Condo post yesterday which primarily revolved around accepting compliments and hair. The first came from Paula across the pond in the UK:

"I found that it was only when I abandoned the wigs that I began to truly be me, before that I was always playing a part, maybe it was two different parts, but still playing acting. When I could start wearing my own hair it became real!

I think the thing about compliments of common to a lot of Trans women; we were programmed like men, we were expected to give compliments not to receive them, it goes against all our conditioning to simply accept the compliment and say "Thank you".

Excellent points Paula! As I wrote before, I was exceedingly bad at attempting to buy the right wigs. For the most part, I was either trying to go more blond or with more hair than I could pull off. 

Now, let's check in with Connie:

"I was once told by another trans woman that I would never be able to transition successfully because I wear wigs - no better than a "professional cross dresser," she said. Having a good head of hair is definitely a luxury for a trans woman, but it's certainly not a necessity. I know that I am, at least, more of a lady than she is, and some people may be no better than a "professional bitch," I suppose.

I receive compliments on my hair from time to time. Some may not know that I'm wearing a wig at all. A friend I've known for five years did not realize that I wore wigs until just a few weeks ago. She had invited me to spend a girls' weekend with her at a nearby casino, and I must admit that I accepted the invitation with some trepidation. I was flattered that she felt accepting enough to be sharing a hotel room with me, a trans woman, not to mention that she also felt safe enough to be doing so. I wasn't sure how I was going to conceal all of the causes of my dysphoria, including my bald head, and her touting the wonderful pool and spa that we could use did not help. I finally told her that I don't swim because of my wig, and I don't think she thought any less of me for wearing one.

It's been years since anyone has seen my bald head. Even I will spend as little time as possible looking at it. If it's not a wig on my head, there's almost always something covering it - whether it's a turbine or just a towel wrapped around it. I will sleep in a wig if there is a chance that someone may see me. I did it with my friend in the room, and I even left my eye makeup on for good measure. Everything else was covered up, too. ;-)"

Thanks Connie! I think Stana of Femulate  blogging fame is another transgender woman  who does an excellent job with her hair and shows having your own hair is not a necessity for a successful Mtf transition. In fact it sounds like one of those "I'm more trans than you" statements. 

I'm sure too, since I have opted not to have any genital surgery some would think I am no better than a professional cross dresser too. Regardless, I have decided to do the very best I can! 

The picture to the right is one of me in one of the few wigs I bought I really liked.

Maybe I am Getting Better?

It all started with the compliment I didn't know what to do with from my ex wife on Thanksgiving. It continued with Connie thanking me for the compliment I gave her after the picture she sent in. And, I was complimented on my hair today by my therapist.

I am guessing but I think my inability to respond to compliments or give them goes back to my parents. Growing up, I can not remember a time when I received a compliment which wasn't tied to a qualifier. In other words, you (me) did good, but...

I think also, I have a difficult time with feminine based compliments because I think the "qualifier" is still there. An example would be looking good as a woman for a transgender person or a man.

Truthfully though, I am on cloud nine (where ever that is) following all the compliments I have received on my hair. The qualifier this time is being fortunate enough to still have a full head of hair to not have to deal with wigs anymore. Unlike Connie, who looks great, I was usually hit or miss in the wig department. Mostly miss from quite a few fashion mistakes. I have always believed I was really able to navigate the feminine world as a transgender person after I began to grow my own hair.

Plus, I feel as if I am being repaid hair karma from my time in the 70's when I was in the Army and had to have short hair when everyone else I knew had longish hair. Of course I also completely envied the hippie girls with all of their long hair.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have complimented more women on their hair. I have come to the understanding now why so many women rely on their hairdressers for an occasional boost. Figuratively and literally, it makes us feel better about ourselves.

The bad news is now I will have to find a new stylist to do my hair. My current one had to retire due to carpal tunnel hand problems.

I will miss the pampering I received every two months when I went to the salon and all those pesky compliments which came my way.

Life is nothing without change though and finding a new stylist will be exciting in it's own way.

New life based challenges are good too when you are 70 as I am. There is still plenty of time to get better. I hope!

If You Care

I thought I would pass this along since I really don't have anything else to post about today. Caitlyn Jenner with her rumored partner trans woman Sophia Hutchins:

Ex Wives

One of the very few times of the year when I have to deal with people who knew the old me, is when my daughter has get togethers for the family.

Over the years, I have two ex wives (one is deceased) one ex fiance, long gone since before I joined the Army and a partner (Liz) who I have been around for over eight years now. One thing I need to say is all of the women I mentioned knew in some way of my gender struggles. However, only one...Liz has been able to nurture my transgender nature.

My surviving wife remains a solid acquaintance and she is the mother of my only daughter. So, I normally see her a couple times a year during one of my daughter's meet ups.

I did see her a couple days ago on Thanksgiving. As we were getting ready to leave, she turned to me and said how good I looked. I was stunned and (even I) was temporarily without words. Finally I recovered and deflected the compliment to my VA health care for some unknown reason.

I can only imagine what she really thought since she has been around me since the mid 1970's and quite a few years of my earliest cross dressing adventures. After all, she witnessed more than her share of my earliest mistakes as a feminine person.

Hopefully, one of these days I can figure out how to properly thank her for the compliment.

Loose Ends

Today I have several loose ends to take care of here in Cyrsti's Condo.

First of all, Mandy (who is a fellow train buff) asked about the picture I posted of Liz and I on the Royal Gorge train in Colorado. It by far was my favorite of the trips we took. The road bed was better and the rail coach was more comfortable. Also, more importantly, the view of the river which ran next to us was gorgeous.

My next favorite was the  Durango and Silverton narrow gauge trip, also in Colorado. I enjoyed the fact the trip was pulled by a real steam engine. Also I enjoyed both Durango and Silverton. Silverton was especially authentic to me.

Finally, we also rode the Georgetown Loop narrow gauge railway. It was fine but still my third favorite to me. So there you go Mandy, my humble opinion on the rails we road.

As you can see in the picture, it was definitely windy on several of the trips, so bring a brush for your hair (or wig).

Speaking of pictures, Connie sent in a festive new holiday picture to share!

Looking good!

Merry Thanksgiving

Hello again! I hope you still have a family of sorts you can enjoy Thanksgiving with. I am acutely aware of those who don't. In fact I sacrificed seeing my only brother and his extended family again after I came out as transgender to him.

I seemingly have an embarrassment of riches now. Starting with my partner Liz, my daughter, my grand kids and an ever widening group of accepting friends.

In the midst of all of this though, I still wonder why I still have a difficult time on occasion accepting what I have.

Last night was a good example. Approximately two thirty in the morning, I found myself wide awake and thinking about Thanksgiving. In addition, I have a tendency to sleep with the Hallmark cable television channel on. Somehow, I am ashamed to say a few of the movies have driven me to tears. It happened last night.

As I internally churned, I finally came to the conclusion I should do more embracing of who I am. Being weepy on occasion is just fine. Especially after the life I led before when I never cried.

Finally, I ended up going full circle back to Thanksgiving and who I have become.

Before I go though, I need to thank to Mickie, Trish and Zena who commented on the blog through Facebook! Zena brought back a few ancient memories of me showing up to a dinner at her house in heels, hose and a short skirt. Needless to say, it was many years ago! Better yet, I still was allowed to eat :).

Again, I can't say enough how much how much I appreciate all of you!

Going Out to be Alone?

Every once in while, or especially after the transgender - cross dresser support group meetings I go to, I like to reflect back to the early days when I was exploring the feminine world. Overall I was trying to figure out when and if I could live full time as a transgender woman.

Back in those days, for the most part I was having fun. These days I receive satisfaction from the rare days when I think I look my best. I know years ago when I went out, I liked to think I was going out to be alone.

Let me explain. First of all, I was still grieving the passing of my wife and close friends. I was intensely lonely but was aware any or all of my forthcoming friendships would have to revolve around me as a different gender. Not an easy thing to do.

Liz and I's vacation picture from the "Royal Gorge" train in Colorado.

So I cross dressed all up and went to several of the sports bars I used to go to before as a guy. For the most part I was successful. For awhile I was able to spend an evening in my own little world, thinking no one would notice my secret. It worked when I let nobody in.

As it turned out though, that didn't work very long. I found several people who were attracted to me as a friend regardless of my secret. Essentially, they found a way into my solitary world. Ironically, the people most interested in me were all women and I quickly bonded with them. I did have a couple dates with guys which never seemed to work.

Then I even went on several on line dating sites and found the person (Liz) I was destined to move in with and start a relationship which now is going strong at eight years.

Even at that point, I was still clutching at what remained of my guy self. He just didn't want to let go. It took my partner Liz to kick me totally out of the closet.

So now, I don't have to worry about going out to be alone anymore. I am so fortunate.

Charlie Martin

Transgender Le Mans racer Charlie Martin:

Cyrsti's Condo "Thought of the Day"

"As I so often say, we are just like everybody else, some of us have faith, some don't some of us are musicians some aren't, some are tall some are short, we are everywhere and we are everybody. I recently looked at an old post of mine about yeast ~ I wrote about how yeast permeate every part of what ever it is added to, whether it's beer or bread. In a way Trans people are like yeast, we permeate all of society ~ maybe it's time society realized that we add something special, just like yeast, and celebrate us instead of trying to get rid of us ~ who wants an unleavened society?"

Paula Goodwin