To Be or not To Be

During our Cyrsti's Condo discussion on Mtf gender transitional walls. I am considering using this one as my second wall.

I am using cross dressing as my first wall. After a point (which differs in all of us) a transgender person feels comfortable enough with her make up and clothing to consider the next step...going out in public. Or, should I say, uncomfortable enough. I know in my case, just dressing up for the mirror wasn't enough. There had to be more.

Once I opened the door and began to climb the public wall, I found out people wanted to interact with me and what was I going to do then? Essentially, dealing with the public pushed me off the wall and towards the next one. Interaction meant learning more than looking like a woman, I had to learn to communicate as one too. Since I had the benefit of working with many primarily cis women populated employees over the years, none of this was too difficult to relearn.

Something else I had to learn was in most all situations, other women read me for what I was, a transgender woman or cross dresser. Passing at this point became "personality." I found when and if I returned to the same location, people would have the tendency to remember me. So, to not be friendly labeled me as a bitch. Or worse yet, someone who was doing something wrong.

I found too, scaling this wall turned out to be easy, compared to the walls I would face in the future. After I became more comfortable in my feminine role, I found more and more I didn't want to go back. This also was the point in my life the term transgender was appearing for the first time and HRT was beginning to become more available.

In the distance, I could begin to see my next wall to climb and it was a scary one too! Going full time as a trans woman.

Could I or would I? Increasingly, my feminine lifestyle told me I could and the naturalness of how I felt told be I probably would have to.

Rest Room "Groupies?"

Recently, I saw this story about a gender fluid LGBT activist using the women's room at the Oscars.

From the Los Angeles Times and reporter Robin Abcarium: 

"On Sunday night, in a restroom at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood, I was washing my hands when someone in a crimson ballgown swept past me toward the stalls. There was something about this person's energy that was different than that of other women who were milling around, redoing their lipstick, chatting about the Oscars show.

I felt I knew this person in the crimson gown. Or had seen them somewhere before. So I left the bathroom and waited outside, in the lobby. And when this person left the ladies room, I stopped them to chat.

Sure enough, it was Sam Brinton, 29, an unforgettable, gender-fluid LGBTQ activist whom I'd met almost four years ago at a conference in Las Vegas for educators who work with LGBTQ students. There, Brinton spoke about the degrading experience of undergoing reparative therapy as a teenager.

Today, Brinton, who has a master's degree in nuclear engineering from MIT, works for the Trevor Project, a suicide prevention group for LGBTQ youth."

For more on the story, go here.

The story reminded me of the "old days" when I would go out to the same venues (mostly straight) and normally always attracted the attention of a cis woman or two who were curious and/or just wanted to chat. Plus, from socializing with the other transgender women in one of my support groups  and hearing their conversations, I know the same thing still happens with them.

The reason why, I think, is very complex but mainly revolves a cis-woman's natural curiosity concerning why we trans women would ant to play in their "sandbox" at all.  Any other reasons would take another blog post to go into now!

Historical Moment!

As you have probably heard by now, Daniela Vega made history this weekend at the Oscars:

The star of Oscar-nominated film Una Mujer Fantástica (A Fantastic Woman), Daniela Vega, made Academy Award history Sunday night, when she became the frist transgender actress to take to the stage as a presenter at the ceremony. The Chilean introduced Sufjan Steven’s performance of “Mystery of Love,” which features on the soundtrack of Call Me by Your Name. “I want to invite you to open your hearts and your feelings to feel the reality,” she told the audience. “To feel love. Can you feel it?”

From El Pais:
The triumphant moment could not have been further from how things were when, as a 14-year-old, her life split in two, and she began her transition from a man to a woman. Once in her new female body, Vega did not know what path to follow – acting or singing – nor whether the artistic world would accept her.

"You learn and grow from pain,” she told EL PAÍS in February, hours before A Fantastic Woman took the Best Film award at the Goyas, Spain’s answer to the Oscars. “Transgender people are marginalized. You suffer a lot in the transition. And this pain makes us strong, hard, and can even make us bad tempered,” she explained, while Juan de Dio Larraín, the co-producer of the film, brought her a beer. With the support of her family, Daniela broke with social convention and assumed her identity as a trans-woman. “I have a lot of hope in the future generations in Chile, [society] is opening a great deal.

For more, go here.

Selective Hearing

Well, today was my annual appointment with the VA audiologist. While again, my hearing showed the same losses as before, it hadn't gotten any worse.

So now, I don't have to go back for two years and Liz will have to continue to complain about my "selective hearing."

Two year old Trans Ohio picture with The
Ohio State University mascot "Brutus
Buckeye" 

The biggest problem this morning was getting up early enough so I could get dressed and do my make up for an appointment which was a half hour drive away. I am getting lazy in my old age but I guess now, I know I can hear about it!

The cis woman doing the exam did comment on my hair (which is very thick) as she had to get it off my ears to put the ear plugs in for the exam. She said she wished hers was as thick and I said my daughter felt the same way. My kid has always wondered why she didn't inherit my hair and I always tell her, she got my personality. Which is a tough enough burden to carry through life! :)

Also today, I received my final confirmation for a workshop presentation at the Trans Ohio Symposium.  Since it is not until the end of April, I still have quite a bit of time to refine my ideas. If "refine" is the right term to use with me!

Females or Women?

El Rondo wrote in and commented on one of my older Cyrsti's Condo posts, from 2013. I thought it to be relevant enough to revisit:

"

Females or Women?

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated with the feminine gender.  As with many of you, it's difficult to explain the deep, deep yearning I had to be a woman.  

Of course any success I have experienced in the transition process has been self taught and I wonder when I see genetic females who aren't women, I wonder why.

REALLY?

One of my pet gender ideas is "just because you are female, you aren't necessarily a woman." When I watch my daughter "interact and coach" my 13 year old granddaughter I understand why.  She is actively involved in how she stands, dresses and even does traditional feminine past times such as baking.  I'm dazzled when Ms 13 year old Math and Science wizard bakes.

On the other hand, I just don't grasp how so many females have no idea or will power to be women.  Then again, a dear friend who passed away some time ago told me it seemed to her so many women weren't teaching their daughters to be...women.

So maybe that's it. Where I live, we have an extremely high teen maternity rate. I know the stats reflect more than kids having kids and young females just being "baby makers". Self esteem and family conditions play into their lives too.

None of that takes away from the fact I don't understand why these females so easily toss chances to be women away.  Especially when I know so many transgender women who can't wait to get out of the closet and have their day in the sun.

Another Week "In the Books"

At my age, the weeks increasingly fly by, as if they know I have fewer and fewer remaining. At least last week, I got my money's worth.

During the week, I had one support group meeting, one therapist visit, one doctors appointment and one night out.

What did I learn? Many trans people still are miserable to the point of attempting to bring others down with them, the VA still thinks they want my blood (even though they didn't this time) and the drive North to be seen by my Doc's is getting increasingly long and more boring.

On the "knock on wood" news from last week, the laptop seemingly is hanging in there, the flood waters from the Ohio River have retreated and we can take all our usual routes to where we have to go.

On the negative side, I experienced a transphobic slur on one of our trans karaoke singers. It's been awhile since I have encountered such a jerk. Our group was smaller than usual because of a local HRC  fundraiser. If some of our other rather outspoken participants had been there, the results of his mouth may have been different. Plus, I am not sure the trans singer even ever heard him because the singing area was so far away.

Speaking of hearing, I have another hearing check up close by at the Veterans Administration clinic. It's the day I pay my dues for listening to all the heavy rock I used to be addicted to.

Past the hearing test, the week is shaping up to be rather quiet. Or, maybe then again, I won't be able to hear it.

Trans Dar?

Our Friday night out came and went without any world beating changes.

The only points of interest came when another of the transgender women took it upon herself to critique my appearance from the support group to last night's "social" night out. Obviously, it was unsolicited. I was good and didn't ask if that was the only dress she had, since she has worn it the last three times I saw her. Sometimes it isn't so much fun being good!

Picture from my first "cis girls" out night.

Also of interest was the tall blond woman who walked in in the low cut dress. My trans-dar was immediately set off... but if she was trans, she had a wonderful singing voice singing karaoke. Liz though, noticed her very big hands, and was strongly thinking she was.

There was one potentially transphobic comment when one of our transgender members got up to sing and someone yelled "Show us what you got!"  What a jerk!!!

Other than those three happenings, the night was very enjoyable!

Another Day of Errands?

Yes, very much so. Today I usually go to Liz's karate class and from there, we normally stop two or three places to shop for necessities.

This is the spot I need to mention Paula Goodwin's comment about becoming the woman I was destined to become, not who I look like. Becoming an everyday woman has become a distinct reality for me for some time now.

That is not to say, I don't have my fun getting dressed up on occasion but now it is such a small part of me. The bigger part (as we approach the Transgender Day of Visibility around here) is making sure I present femininely correctly to the civilian community. Now particularly is not the time to be a bitch un-needlessly.

How do I do this? For one I dress to blend and wear a smile as my number one accessory. My problem is it's been so long since I have encountered any problems at all, I have to work to always keep up a semblance of a guard  So, as Mtf transitions go, I am still thinking I am on the path to stealth without ever thinking about it. Then again, I think I have such a long way to go with my voice and mannerisms, there is no way I will ever be able to go totally stealth.

Plus, there is the ever present paranoia of what will happen if I ever have to go into a nursing home. A long way (I hope) from worrying what I am going to wear to the grocery store and if  I should wear my hair back or not.

Decisions...decisions.

Building Walls

It turns out, we received quite a bit of quality mail concerning our Cyrsti's Condo post about the walls we have to climb as we transition as transgender women and trans men.

The first from Marcia:

"MarciaMarch 1, 2018 at 1:42 PM

Wish I lived close to you (I don't-I live in Portland, OR). I think this is a great topic-especially the walls part. Have you considered taping your presentation and making it available via You Tube or the like?"

That is a great idea! In fact, I have been considering adding a pod cast to the blog for a long time and most certainly I think Liz could tape the workshop. Thanks!

And, a unique look from Connie:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMarch 1, 2018 at 5:00 PM

Your mention of levels and walls reminds me of my daughter's mastery, a number of years ago, of the Mario Brothers video game. I remember so well how I spent all night trying to figure the game out before giving her the Nintendo, thinking I would certainly need to show her how to play the game Christmas morning. Of course, while it took me all night to figure how to get through the first level, she was through the third level before the day was over. I was the one who learned from her that some walls need to be jumped, some crashed through, and some climbed. Between the walls are things you must learn to avoid, as well as others you can use to your advantage to take you to the next level.

My twisted mind makes parody of things, usually through analogy and metaphor. I re-imagined the game as "Mario Sisters," with the object of the game being the transition to finally becoming the Princess, rather than saving her. Revisiting that idea, now, has me thinking that my own becoming of the princess was, at the same time, saving myself."

I love it! Thanks :)

Finally, from Paula Goodwin:
"Paula GoodwinMarch 2, 2018 at 10:18 AM

This sounds like a very interesting idea, I would certainly be interested in hearing your thoughts on Walls, so next time you are in London.......

Thinking about my own transition it has certainly gone in stages as I negotiate individual walls. I have tried to only think about the next decision ~ or to negotiate the wall in front of me. i.e. "am I trans or do I just like dressing up?" "Should I go full time?" "How do I tell people?", once all that was in the past and I was starting to live my own life I then had to work out what sort of a woman I am, more than what I want to wear! Then I would start to think about should I go on HRT; now I have to decide about GRS!

I think for many of us there is an idea that just doing that one thing will solve all our problems, whether that one thing involves surgery, drugs, or clothing; and the answer is usually that it doesn't! We do that one thing and then hit the wall, we can look forward so much to climbing over that wall, that it is all we can focus on, then when we get to the other side we find that not everything is solved, we still have issues to deal with, not all our problems are solved.

I remember seeing a video during my Disability Awareness training, "Will the real Glynn Vernon Stand up!" Glynn Vernon was at the time vice-chair of Scope he had sever Cerebral Palsy was a wheel chair user and used an interpreter to communicate. He started his video with the line
"My name's Glynn Vernon, I have two problems, not enough money and not enough sex""

I love the part about working out what "sort of woman" I am...much more than what I wear! And yes Paula, I would love to make it to London some day. Almost made it when I was in the Army, but the tour was cancelled due to an IRA bombing (dammit!)

I think I will use the "love" word once again to describe how much these comments meant to me!