Would You Rather?

Over the space of time here in Cyrsti's Condo (nearing five years), one of the questions which has popped up along the way for those of you who are seriously considering a male to female gender transition is-(From Connie) " One of the questions I used to ask of myself, and now of others who may be contemplating transition, is whether it would be better to be considered a beautiful transgender woman or an average-looking cis-woman."

To be fair, I am taking this part of her comment out of context to make mine, but the thought is a very real one. (Go here for the rest of the post and comment.)

On a very deep level, trans is trans and presentation is just something which makes it easier for your inner self to navigate society. 

Obviously, cis women face the same situations as we do and that's why we see the tremendous marketing drives towards women's makeup and fashion products.

I'm actually just getting started on a very intimidating process of putting together similar groups of the over 4,000 posts I have here for another book. It has been no real surprise to me that my earlier posts revolved more completely around what I wore. I guess now, I am boring and expect everyone to just know I'm going with Liz to her doctor's today and no, I will not go through an hour make up process. I can't and work on a blog post, the book and list a few collectibles to make an extra Shekel or two.

So, what's a trans woman to do? Well, it depends quite a bit on how far you have to go to make a "gender jump" in the public's eyes. Some men quite naturally are more effeminate than others and it is easier. In my case, I don't think I ever really was, so I rely heavily now on the external effects of my HRT. Speaking of, I consider my hair as the biggest plus as I consider who I am as a trans girl these days. O (then again) my attitude which helps my public acceptance, or the fact I am very fortunate to have a group of friends and a partner who accept me for who I am.

It's never been a question in my noggin-I would rather be the transgender woman I am trying to make my way- than the so called 'beautiful trans woman' of many dreams.

ShaZAM!

I guess it my be true, if you wait just a little longer for the VA to grease it's squeaky wheel and approve my name change  will it be worth it? 

Today it did just that and it was. But, it was too cold to do my happy dance naked in the middle of the street.

So now my legal name is legal within the system. Now I have to replace my Goddess Awful Veteran's Administration I.D. card and I am free of my old self.

Wow. Just wow.

It Was Only a Dream

Years ago, I used to wake up broken hearted from a reoccurring dream of being a girl. 

Then, as I began to advance through life and became more knowledgeable in the look or looks I was trying to achieve-and the more I began to go out- my dreams followed the process.

In my dreams, I was the prettiest or at the least most convincing girl in the room. Reality to say the least wasn't pleasant. So, in it's place-day dreaming took over. 

I have always wondered how much of my life I essentially wasted in the day dream mode. How would have things been different? Who knows, can't cry over spilled hormones and I am not.

These days, interesting enough though, my dreams are going a different direction. Or not. 

I'm dreaming about coming out as transgender to people. Or appearing to get my gender marker's changed-or whatever.

I guess dreams do follow reality.

Except, I think I would look good in that brand new Porsche of my dreams!

Fright or Flight?

The last couple of days I have had a couple of those moments when I wasn't totally sure which I was going to do. Stay scared or get out of the situation I was in. 

The first was the actual picture taking of the families before the Bar Mitzfah- with focus on the extended families of my grandson as well as him. I just don't like pictures to start with...so I hitched up my big girl panties and got over it.

The second time was today when (for the first time in my life) I went to a fitness club with Liz.  So, I basically went sans most makeup in sweats. (Proud owner of my new ID.) Needless to say, I was at my best but again hitched up my panties and began on my fitness goals. Why?

I need to see if I can exercise my way out of my bad hip's influence. Burn a few extra calories and become more agile before I begin my plan to start yoga. In my quest to live longer and get this transgender trip I'm on as far as I can possibly can.

Even though "fright or flight" seemingly at times is as much a part of my journey as the night years ago when I sat in my car seemingly forever gathering courage for the first time ever to go into a restaurant by myself to eat as a woman. Why would I possibly stop now>

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another cold Sunday edition is hitting your front porch. Around here in Cincinnati, we are at a balmy (yet sunny) thirteen degrees. Lets get a hot cup o joe (coffee) or cocoa (with marsh mellows) and get started.

Page One - The Week that Was or Wasn't: Saturday (yesterday) was one of those days when life's transgender changes seem to pile up. In chronological order, yesterday morning, I went and did the final work to get my Ohio drivers' license with the magical "F" under gender. I wrote yesterday about 50 years between Major license changes. What I meant Fiona was I got my original license when I was 16 and now I am 66. I got to thinking, does a half a decade sound better? Pretty intimidating to me-either way! Then, I didn't have much time to reflect upon the moment, as we Liz and I had to head up to Kettering, Ohio for my oldest Grandson's Bar Miftzfah. Being a grandparent, I had to do my duty and step up and in for what seemed like a million pictures with the family. I could only think that years later, future generations would look at the picture and see very (very likely) the immediate family's first transgender member. Although-my first wife (and mother of my daughter) has a trans man nephew. Indeed it is a small world.

Page Two- Yesterdays' Coffee - Opinion: As I rejoiced in the success of changing over my State of Ohio ID (driver's license), a trans girl friend of mine reminded me how difficult it is to do it. From Racquel: 
" Kick ass. Appeasing the Ohio BMV is no small feat. It took me over an hour on the phone just to get them to figure out which form to send me. Then you gotta get a shrink to certify you as trans enough. I can't help being proud from a "rite of passage" standpoint. But needing to beg for the permission of so many gatekeepers — having to satisfy doctors, therapists, the BMV, the State Dept, probate court, vital statistics, and the Social Security administration — is total BS."

Thanks Racquel! You see, she is much younger than me and I forget many don't have the benefit of a free therapist like I had being a trans vet. So, indeed my therapist had to approve my transness to enable me to start HRT. 

"BS" to be sure and my problem these days too is "treating" transgender youth (to prove their 'transness' has become a business of sorts. 

Page Three - The Back Page - Back to the Future?: Last night I literally had to stand up and do a "special reading"my Grandson chose for me in front of approximately 125 people. So, for the rest of the evening, it was tough to hide- if I wanted to. Plus, I saw more than a couple peeps I knew through my daughter from my male past. The top moment I suppose, was a rest room visit of all places. Liz and I were going to pee before the trip home and all of the sudden, it was "old home day." Seemingly, two or three women showed up from nowhere to have a bathroom chat-mostly about how much weight I have lost and how long my hair was from the last time they had seen me. At that moment, I knew the world had come full circle - at least for now.

Page Four- The Back Beat: As always, thanks soooooo much for stopping by the Condo. Hopefully, you are in a spot out of the snow and/or cold!

Legal Under the Law

Seemingly after what seemed like a half a decade since my first driver's license- I went out today and changed mine from male to female. And, of course while I was at it I changed my legal name too.

Well, actually it was fifty years ago!

How did it go? I was a puddle of goo :) but with Liz's help and a very helpful BMV clerk-we "got-er-done!"

Beauty and the Art

Recently a friend of mine has launched her "on line" beauty business and it got me thinking. (Scary) And her business is not the purpose of this post.

It's another cliche but a woman's true beauty does come from the inside out. But, after it's filtered through media and society etc- beauty becomes one hell of an external deal.

SIT on WHAT???

I'm sure if I had the money to buy products from my friend (or one of the upscale make up stores) life would be easier for this transgender woman-and yes-like many of you, I feel like some days I am trying to make a purse out of a sow's ear.

Then again why not? All I am really looking for is a break even beauty point. And, I am off point.

Women of all ages compete for attention of some sort. I remember distinctly years ago when my granddaughter invited a girl who just didn't fit the mold of the other kids. She was somehow prettier etc. Years later as I attended one of my first "transvestite" mixers (of all places) I saw the same thing with a group of three or four CD's who I called the "A" listers. They were the ones who made a big deal of looking you up and down when you tried to speak.

I am going to have to release my list again of reading women-reading you as it is changing quickly in many spots.

Another key beauty point is being able to try to apply it to make it look like you aren't trying and you are able to erase in your mind what ideals your old guy is screaming look good.

I'm lucky. No matter how I'm perceived on the outside, my friends see me from the inside out. It's like last night when Liz and I went to another of our "creative" Meetup get togethers. I approached (and was approached by) several cis-women I had never met. I am not naive enough to think some of that was trans curiosity. But these days I am more apt to seek out new acquaintances.

I know too, that beauty is a combination of hobby/fun and necessity for most all cis women. So I hope my friend does really well with her sales!!!!  

Well "Heeled?"

As the 'first class' winter snow storm of the year heads towards us, I decided to dig a little deeper into my boot wardrobe. We are going to be lucky by east coast standards - who are expecting to get pounded. However, most of the congressmen are never there anyhow and Washington (expecting over 2' of snow) has snowed us for decades anyhow.

I have had a pair of faux fir topped black boots with an approximate two inch wedge heel which come about half way up my calf.I have never really worn them but-

Liz and I are going out tonight and it may be the ideal evening to get "reacquainted" with the boots. I won't be walking far and not have to worry about going over my own "personal glass ceiling height." Without heels, I'm rarely the tallest women in many rooms. Plus, I know a height paranoia with me is my problem as there are more and more beautiful cis women of height. Who cares anymore?

So, we will see if the extra rear padding I'm beginning to add again from HRT, does me good if I fall on my can tonight!

It looks as if I am going to have to stock up on a little extra tissues for my Grandson's Bar Mitzfah  this coming Saturday night.

If you are like me, perhaps you don't/didn't know much about the Jewish 'coming of age" tradition. My grand daughter had her "Bah Mitzfah" not long ago. So I had a chance to learn a little bit more.

For no particular reason except for info - I'm not Jewish and my kid converted-so that is why I didn't know much.

I chose a couple to pass along to you ( paragraphs), including these which I will be reading Saturday.

Be Generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with what you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

And the best (and final) paragraph:

Be loving to those that love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you, and they may change.
Above all...BE YOURSELF!

Plus, if you didn't know, the U.S. Reform Jews last November -Temples and synagogues affiliated with the nation's largest Jewish movement In a resounding voice vote, Reform Judaism embraced some of the most far-reaching policies for transgender people seen among any of the nation's mainstream religious organizations, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT advocates said.)

I can't say how proud I am of my daughter. Some say the apple didn't fall far from the tree.  

I think in my case, the apples fell and rolled and she went and picked them up!