Store the Ego in the Closet

It's time again to collect up parts of my male past and store them in the back of my very dark closet as I move closer and closer to changing my legal gender markers.

Lately,I haven't made any secret here in Cyrsti's Condo about how much my life has improved in the last year or so. (Over an improving one already.)

Plus, I began to think years ago how I would attributed it to my appearance as a crossdresser and how my old male ego impeded my progress out of the closet. But that is another story for another post.

It took awhile but with the help of friends and family, I have to began to understand my new life had nearly nothing to do with appearance but the rest of the world catching up with the LGBTQ community.  Which in turn, instills a certain confidence-no a lot of confidence.

You all also know I'm always trying to overthink this whole trans life process, so here are a couple quotes to leave you with:

Also lately, I have been attempting to come up with a well written quote which says something like "You can get to where I have become-just do it a LOT easier."

Another would be "There is a ton of room in your closet to leave your ego-when you leave it."

Semper Fi

From the "Telegraph" comes the story we transgender veterans know so well:  A former US marine who served in Iraq and Afghanistan has shared her inspirational story of accepting herself and becoming a woman.

Sona Avedian, 33, said she identified as a girl ever since she was a child, but hid that side of herself until three years ago.

Previously known as Matt, she was married to a woman and has a small daughter. Ms Avedian said she had "hid behind the mask of a US Marine" because she was ashamed of the way she felt."I could only hide so much," she said. "I was exhausted and I could no longer hide behind these deployments".

In all fairness to Sona though, we all should be as fortunate to be able to gain as much passing privilege as we Mtf transition!  For more, go here and "Semper Fi"!

She said she prepared to "come out" by exercising and changing her diet, and eventually beginning to take hormones and altering her hair.

She hoped to inspire others with her story. "It's about being you," she said, "no matter what society thinks!"

Shouldn't You Really Wait?

A couple weeks ago here in Cyrsti's Condo last week we sent along the story of trans woman Elaine Walquist who was able to set up a meeting with an Oregon legislator. He (the legislator) was attempting to pass a bill prohibiting 15 to 17 year old transgender youths from going through SRS. He had never met a trans woman and she reportively didn't change his mind - but what do you think?

As much as I wish I had had the information and family support to begin a very early transition in my life, going as far as sexual reassignment surgery at that age may have been going to far.

First of all of course, one has to consider the maturity level of the person - plus factor in the influence of puberty blockers and HRT on the transgender youth considering such a huge move.

I have seen a couple kids in that age bracket around here who you would never in a million years think they were born into the wrong body. And remember, it is being proven puberty blockers can be reversed. 

Finally, I know I am more mature and not the best example of a passable transgender woman but then again I have been able to carve out a pretty decent life these days. I just don't think two years (15-17) would be too long to wait.

Feeling Guilty This Year?

Halloween (named after the patron saint of crossdressers everywhere) St.Weenie (just kidding) is fast approaching. 

Some time ago here in Cyrsti's Condo I mentioned Liz and I planed to accept an invite to a gay couples Halloween Party this year. As the pumpkin turned though, her son's birthday is on Halloween, so getting the family together was difficult. She had to do it on the day of this year.

So, for the first time ever (or my first two years in the Army in 1972-73) I will not be going to a Halloween Party of any kind. For several days I felt very guilty about not having to worry about coming up with the most creative costume EVER! It would be kind of tough to just show up as myself and say I'm Caitlin Jenner? Although I believe I have some her same style of clothes buried in my closet from the 80's. 

That's OK though, I have been fortunate to have had my share of some very fun times which happened to coincide with my first efforts to come out of the closet. Also, I should mention the Wicca/Pagan spiritual faith Liz and I follow has it's own different beliefs in "All Hallows Eve." or an even more ancient Celtic (NOT the basketball team!) festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off roaming ghosts. Been to a few of those too!

So even though I am feeling a bit guilty of not being able to join one one or two of what would prove to be a very enjoyable evening-it's time to move on this year...and not on a broom!!!!

Research Day

The problem I have now with all my pending gender marker changes is that I'm trying too hard to connect invisible dots which aren't really there.

Example? The paper work to change my name and gender with my veterans administration care. In many ways it is the most important for me simply because I interact one on one with more people - right now. As I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo before, I won't have to guess which name the staff is going to use with me-or the right pronoun. The fine print says complete forms and send to the "Privacy Officer". That's cool, but which one? My home provider hospital in Dayton, or a higher up? At any rate, I am going to call later today too see if I can get an answer. The VA tops my list of changes to make first, or at the least get started so I can "hurry up and wait."

After that, I have a little bit more of a different agenda than some of my other younger transgender sisters. Since I am already retired, I don't have to make a social security change a priority yet because I don't need it to apply for jobs.

On the flip side of the coin (no pun intended) I have to be careful with my Social Security name change "syncing up" with my bank for electronic deposits. Plus, how about those pesky loan payments still in my male name? Shouldn't matter if the loan number still remains the same. See, all of those questions are great to keep me company at 4:30 in the morning.

Plus I have not forgotten to factor in my legal name change which will be needed and a new driver's license.

All of this is proving to me I was right in my noggin...this could be very as complex as other parts of my transition - up to and including HRT. (Which is another story right now.)

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk!!! Listen closely as another "Sunday" Recap is hitting your virtual front porch! Here along the Ohio near Cincinnati, we are dipping into the 30's (or lower) for a couple days before climbing back towards the 70's. Ideal for leggings, boots and big bulky sweaters. Lets get a hot "cup o joe" and get started.

Page One-The week That WAS-or Wasn't: Very definitely, it was the week that WAS for me. If you follow the blog at all you know Thursday my VA (Veterans Administration) psychologist signed off on my all important paper work to proceed changing my legal gender markers-which means my name and gender on documents. I have often written and thought the legal path is as challenging as navigating the world as a transgender woman at all. The next step for me this week is determining the sequence I want to do it in.  I can tell you for sure I am sick and tired of being called my male name at the VA, which is not their fault because that is what is in the system!

Page Two- Trans Allies: For some reason (other than yet another trans paranoia) I have read certain "T-peeps" blister transgender "allies." I thought I was missing something? Didn't I want/need more peeps on my side? Liz and I's "Meet Group" on Friday was one great example and my psychologist was another last week. Let me point out the group has absolutely nothing to do with LGBTQ causes and probably many wouldn't know the meaning anyhow. But they accept me warmly for who I am. So I guess they became allies out of "osmosis?" But I love them none the less and a whole lot more for them being - well-them. As they do me.

Page Three-Opinion: I have always considered paying forward a major goal of my life and I may have a yet another chance to help out coming up. In my discussions with my psychologist I mentioned several residents who sat in with my regular Doc's who asked if I had ever-or would talk to a Medical College class on the do's and don'ts of handling a trans patient. Of course I said no, but I would. Then she (my psychologist) said, would I be interested in talking to one of her interns. Again, I said sure-I would be honored. I hope something comes of the invitation because my VA clinic as a whole has become very diverse over the recent years - mainly with the help (again) of my psychologist. Great company to be included in-if only an itty bit!!!

Page Four- The Back Page: Well kids, time to wrap this up and put together breakfast vittles before the second half of my B&B football squads take the field. Of course my ultimate thrill yesterday came when "The team up North" lost to Sparty (Michigan State) in the last second-then my THE Ohio State Buckeyes beat up on Penn State. Then today the Cincinnati Bengals continue down their unbeaten path. To all of you though, I  hope the sun is shining in your world! Thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo!!!

Luv ya All!!!

A Post I Never Thought I Could Write

Yesterday was a big day - no a HUGE day in my life-my psychologist signed off on my paperwork to begin my gender marker changes.

First  of all, lets back track more years than I can even remember to my earliest fascination with most things feminine. Like most, I made early excursions into my Mom's clothes and makeup. Like many I wanted a doll-not a toy gun for Christmas and like even a fewer, I just wished I could wake up a girl. But- this was in the 1950's and my parents were World War II/Depression born and raised. You want to be a girl, boy????  Get to the barber for your burr haircut NOW. Then go to your room and we will ALL forget this happened. Could have been worse though, they weren't particularly religious. 

Plus, there was nearly no information to work from as you remember back then and most certainly a legal change of my gender was only a distant idea. Instead, I fought the good fight the best I could-still thinking I could beat the deep down thoughts that I could be other than I man the world thought me to be.

I even went the crossdresser route. After all, what harm could be in "fooling" the public into thinking I was feminine. My bi-weekly trips into the world as a girl led to only to more frustration. I would journey out, with various levels of success. If I was successful, I got my fix-for two days at the most. Something was still certainly wrong.

So wrong, I was feeling so bad about my place in the world, I actively tried suicide for the first time in my life. (Some time I will have to explain my idea of a passive versus active suicide attempt.)

Then friends, parents and family began to die on me, so finally I had to follow my soul and transition. Even still, just starting HRT doesn't necessarily lead to changing gender markers.

Finally (as had happened quite a few times in the past few years) I got kicked off the gender marker cliff too. Mainly Liz and my daughter get the credit. They became flat out over me whining over certain aspects of my transition, not to mention my procrastination taking on the whole process too.

See-you all were wrong!!! KIdding! You all were right.

So going back to the beginning, gender is no longer defined what is between your legs, I 
positively love my psychologist AND have been working on my happy dance since yesterday.

After the gender dust settles, Liz and I are going to set a time table to start the Mtf gender marker process in earnest!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!

"Fear and Loathing" on the Elevator

To get to my psychologist office tomorrow, first I have to make several other stops in the VA Hospital- one on the second floor for blood work, fourth floor for my "blood letting" and finally up to the seventh.(where my psychologist office is.) Perhaps if you read Cyrsti's Condo yesterday (and your memory is better than mine) you will remember tomorrow is my first meeting to pursue changing my gender markers.

At the least it will make it easier for the person who called for me with my male name (she had to) to confirm the appointment. She said are "we" coming? Ha-ha! I said, "Indeed "we" will be there to see ""they."

The point to all this jabber is riding in an elevator as a trans woman just could be the most paranoiac experience I have next to bathrooms.

Why? It is not because of any deep fears I have of elevators themselves, unless I happened to find myself on one with Lady Gaga or Kathy Bates on American Horror Story - Hotel. If you do---get off ASAP!

I believe my fear of elevators to this day goes back to my earliest crossdressing in public days. Being "trapped" on an elevator (especially one with mirrors) brought a terror I can only describe as asking Lady Gaga to push the fourth floor button for me. All of my fears are re-introduced everytime Liz and I are going to a big event full of impossibly small attractive cis women in their impossibly high heels and impossibly skimpy black dresses. For sure, feelings NOT only experienced by me - but by so many other cis women to!!!

So elevator time is only another long standing transgender paranoia which needs to go away. Many more people than not have been nice to me, or at the least didn't react to me at all.

I suppose too, I'm lucky I only have seven floors to worry about. I hear rumors about "Gaga" and the Gang having parties on the thirteenth!

Oh-By the Way-

Juliet (right)

Red carpets might be run-of-the-mill for Jackie Evancho since the 15-year-old vocal wonder placed second on America's Got Talent five years ago. But when she stepped out to perform at the Global Lyme Alliance's inaugural gala in New York Thursday, the whole night was full of firsts for the person by her side, her sister Juliet. 
Juliet's first fancy gala, first time posing on a red carpet – and first time sharing with the world that she is transgender. 

As soon as being transgender becomes so routine it is barely mentioned-we have arrived! Sometimes I think we are getting there when I read stories like this;