What Happens Next?

What if Bruce Jenner was asked (instead of what gender are you going to date) where are you going to pee? Of course we would have heard something to the effect of "we will see, not sure yet. (watch the reality show.) "

In several Cyrsti's Condo previous posts I have mentioned my extreme paranoia of getting tossed back in the closet as my life comes to an end. Better known as the closet in the back of the nursing home. Call me a drama queen (or worse) but it is a real worry for me.But, not the subject of this post. 

As much as I want to say too that "passing privilege" should not be an all encompassing factor to living a feminine life- rest room privilege may be.

The last time I looked, about four states had pending laws designed to foster paranoia against trans women and transgender men-involving using the rest room of our choice.

As much as I haven't had a rest room issue for years, the paranoia is nearly as present with me as getting tossed in the nursing home closet. By then my paper diapers should make the whole idea obsolete?

In the meantime, it is not though. I'm fortunate in that most every place I go (no pun intended) Liz is with me. Even though I don't think she understands my "clear and present danger", she "scouts" with me for "potty break" spots.

On the other hand, it's not me I worry about as much the young transgender kids who really have to face restroom trauma. They just don't seem to be going away as the radical right uses the issue to attack us. 

Most of you know how I have felt about stealth but just being able to use a restroom of our choice forces us into it. I am way past being able to fight my way out of a group of angry peeps waiting outside a restroom-or a cop.

No restroom bills in Ohio-yet. But I am always looking for one to "pop up" like a poisonous mushroom in the Spring.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Welcome! Another issue of our "Sunday Edition" has hit your virtual front porch! Here in O-H-I-O Momma Nature has blessed us with a beautiful day, so let's get started!

Page One.- The Week that Was-or Wasn't:  As the residue (pro or con) of Bruce Jenner's interview continued, the reality of Leelah Alcorn's Christmas time tragic suicide surfaced again. The Ohio Highway Patrol released it's findings. No surprises. The parents put her through "Christian Conversion Therapy" and a suicide note left on her bed at home said it all. I paraphrase (Leelah wrote) "I can't take it anymore." and she went out to a lonely stretch I-71 just north of Cincinnati and summoned a poor semi truck driver to finish the job. The whole week just seemed to highlight the polar differences in the white transgender community. Yes-white. Jenner obviously is a senior entitled person who says he is trans but stays tantalizing on the edge of the process. After all, there is the "reality show" to come. Leelah on the other hand, went to school in a very upscale in the suburbs of Cincinnati. Her misfortune just happened to be who she was born to. Leelah was not an urban inter city trans kid of color who had all of that baggage to deal with. With parental support her story could have been one of success. Speaking of "parental support" (or lack of) check out Maria's recent post on her blog: "A Cross Dresser's Wife."

Page Two.- Holiday Season? Well not "holiday" in the strictest sense but in the upcoming weeks, it is Prom time, Mother's day and even summer class reunions. An interesting time. Last week we wrote a post called Prom Daze and of course Mother's Day is till to come. Mother's Day holds interest in a number of area's; on a shallower level what title we take on as Mtf transgender women with our kids. On a deeper level, what our mothers meant to us. Were they role models, inhibited us or worse. Finally there are class reunions.  None of us need a degree in math to figure out we "more mature" trans women are perilously close to a "50th Class Reunion." As Connie said:  Well, in a couple of years you can see what happens at your 50th class reunion. You just might win the award for "Most Changed".

Page Three.- Reuniting with Whom? As i stands now, if I live a couple more years, I won't go to my first class reunion ever. There are several whys and most have nothing to do with me being trans. First of all, I transferred into the high school and my Mom taught there, so more than likely more would remember having her as a teacher, than me at all. That's all good-I have no problem. What I do have a problem with was a class "committee" listing me as one of the peeps they couldn't find years ago when I was running the most popular restaurant in town. Plus, I was also finishing up a term as president of a very active civic organization. So, if going would make some sort of positive transgender statement-I would go. But, just to be some sort of entertainment...count someone else in. 

Page Four.-The Back Page: It's time to pack up my old dog and get out and enjoy the sun on this incredible day! I hope the sun shines on all of you and life is good!!! Thanks for visiting Cyrsti's Condo and please take a moment to send a positive vibration or two to the earthquake ravaged people in Nepal. 

Street Smarts?

I can't begin to tell you the amount of pure terror I felt when I began to open the closet and venture into the world as a cross dresser.

Most assume it would be a natural reaction to the radical idea of turning your gender world upside down. 

When I saw one of the pictures of Eddie Redmayne who stars as transgender woman Danish artist, Einer Wegener.in the upcoming movie "The Danish Girl."

Two things stood out. The first of course Redmayne presents as a convincing woman but more pressing- was how "frail" he looked.  

Then it occurred to me, what may have scared me more than presentation fears were as I went out and began stripping myself of what I call the security of male privilege. There was no doubt I had it with my size and how I carried myself. I also found out quickly how much my life would change as I transitioned. 

Most certainly, gender privilege is a slippery slope. Some see a "privilege" as the opposite. I don't know though how anyone can argue most men enjoy more security in society. The picture of Eddie Redmayne just reinforces my point. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover Mtf model today is entertainer Libor Landa

Prom Daze

Although I can barely remember my days in high school on most days (64-67). Prom is a different story. And, my-my-times "are a changin'" Take Maka Brown (below) in Utah 

From left: William Floor, prom prince, Jasper Clayton, prom king, Maka Brown, prom queen and Liliana Huettlinger, prom princess

Who would have "thunk it?" I can safely tell you NO ONE when I went to my junior prom in 1966 and Senior prom in 1967.

I am actually getting ahead of the curve a little this year with my annual "prom" post. Actually, in "years gone by" here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have been "taken to task" for writing about my Prom experiences at all. After all if I went to prom as a boy how trans could I have been?.

To me though, back then prom was the pinnacle of feminine privilege. After all, the boys were expected to ask the girl out and pick up almost all the tab for the evening. Then (to those of us who cared), the girls were the ones who were allowed to wear the fancy clothes, makeup and hair. My primary color for the evening was green-with envy.

Of course back in those days (and for years after) I didn't realize the grass on the other end of the gender divide wasn't necessarily greener. My date not only had to worry about me but how she presented to all of her friends too. Plus, I had no idea then of the expense she had to put up for the evening. (Hair, nails, dress, shoes, accessories -etc.) Plus, it wasn't until years later I learned the pain of waiting for someone to ask you to Prom was as bad as the insecurity of asking.

Plus, these days, I can't imagine what the "social media" generation goes through. Somehow, I can't believe Maka Brown's selection as promo queen was met with universal approval and bullying can take so many different paths than it used to. (Another blog post.)  

In future posts, I will write about Senior Prom.

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

On some days around here in the Condo, I sit back and think this: 

For some reason, I feel put upon by the world and want to blame someone or something else for the situation I may be in.  

The other day I was at my Sister in Law's doing something I didn't want to do and was not too happy about it.

She said "just take more of your estrogen, you will feel nicer."

I just fired back "really? how many times have you told me that women were the meaner gender?"

I agree and answered the proper way with - one finger.

Hey! You Have Boobies

Ok, a couple days ago, the weather around here in Southwestern Ohio blessed us with a fairly warm spring day. Warm enough that I was able to (for the first time) to "show off" my new self. I have lost nearly 35 pounds and discovered parts of my body like a waistline and yes even my "girls." 

It's been a lifetime of waiting for short sleeves, my own hair,  t shirt tops and the feel of "Momma Nature" on my body. Also, I dearly hate wearing bra's and so far Liz hasn't been on my back (or chest) about it. Essentially, I have developed a well formed (almost "C" cup)-so why not? On top (or under) all of that-we have had more than a couple "active" conversations about what to wear under a sun dress. Could be why I notice more than a few generics seeming to be in better moods around here as the weather warms!

At any rate, I was wearing my "peace sign" T-shirt getting ready to go out and my sister in law walked by and said "Wow! You do have boobies!" I thought to myself-forget the damn diet and let's get to the real compliment!  

I had to come down to earth before I went to meet my trans girl friend who is getting ready to move to Texas.

Just a Cross Dresser?

Before I get to the post, here is another comment from our "Did You Hear" post:

Alice BrouleApril 30, 2015 at 10:45 AM

SVU Season 4, Episode 21 was an episode about a pre-op transsexual girl. It was dark and sad but nonetheless well done. Worth watching.
I've always loved the show..

As have I Alice and have always respected the longevity of the show!!

The other day, I had a message on Facebook from a person who identified as "just a cross dresser." 

I responded just??? The comment though, says it all when our "communities" mix. Connie brought it up in our last post when she mentioned for whatever reason, her friend (who had been on HRT for years) became increasingly isolated. She also preferred to identify as a cross dresser. I would suggest (just as a female does not equate a woman) HRT does not identify a transgender person. (As Connie would I am sure.)

I think too, a major factor with HRT is "passing privilege." Yes, it IS a major move and yes it does help one to gain more of the precious "PP". But, in no way in this lifetime (there are not enough hormones in the world) will I ever be able to look like all the beautiful cross dressers or trans women on Pinterest. As Natasha said in our last post, (I paraphrase) just because you are out as a cross dresser or trans woman does not mean you hang out with others of like persuasion. Truly, I don't much. (Another blog post.)

So, there is no such thing as "just a cross dresser." By far, the days I identified as a cross dresser were the toughest of my life. I was hiding behind my dresses refusing to face who I was and managing to make many others just a miserable as I was deep inside.

You cross dressers! It's cool to be who you are!!! Life is too short to not embrace it!

"Cyrsti's Condo" Cleaning

Today, I have many comments to get to! 

The first couple come from the "Installing Windows in your Closet" post.

NatashaApril 30, 2015 at 5:33 AM

"In my experience many of the "out and proud" trans people about the place are actually a whole lot more closeted than they let on. They socialize exclusively within the trans support group community and online, and have few or no friends in the actual world."

Right on Natasha! Actually coming to the realization you are a transgender woman or trans man is one thing-coming out another and carving out a life in the "actual" world-another.

Then, there was my co-blogger Connie! 

"I'd like to know if you can even install Windows in that old computer of yours.:-)  (Ha Ha! My Windows 1949 still works!)" Seriously, here are a couple excerpts or (extracts) from her comment: 

"Windows can be seen through from both sides, but they still don't necessarily make things clear. I know a person (a fellow musician) who is our age, and has been a cross dresser since childhood. She (because that is how I know her) has told me stories of how she would, as a child, get all dressed up and stand at the picture window of her home, waiting for someone to notice her. She actually continues to do it today. Now, this is someone who has been on HRT for at least 10 years, but still considers herself a cross dresser because of fear to let go of her male (privileged?) life completely."

"She does venture outside the window often, but I don't believe she does so with a different mindset than if she were exhibiting herself from the inside. She has complained to me so often about being alone, lonely, and lonesome that I finally stopped seeing her altogether. I mean, what am I, chopped liver? With some people it is just an exercise in futility to try to understand, let alone help."

More to come in our next post!