Burying the Mascara?

Of course, so many of us "started" our cross dressing activities in our Mother's clothes and makeup.  Also, the majority of us either spent tons of energy "hiding" our "hobby" from Mom for years and years.

I have written numerous times here in Cyrsti's Condo about my relationship with my Mom who has long since passed away.  She was very much a product of the "Greatest Generation".  She grew up through the Depression Years and WWII.  She was also a teacher, outspoken and had a real edge. 

Another focus of my therapy visit was my own lack of empathy.  Really me? Get away Lol!  And then returned to my upbringing and Mom. Finally, I mentioned the electro shock therapy suggestion Mom threw out when I came out to her in 1975 as a transvestite. 

Excuses turned out not the best solution with my therapist as I said (truly) I didn't have much emotional connection growing up with either of my parents.  They were great providers and cared deeply for their children but just did not have the capacity to be emotional role models.  So, I told the therapist, I didn't view my Mom as my ideal feminine role model.  Without missing a beat she said, why don't you "adopt" another "role model?" And, if you did, who would she be?

Good question.  Ideally, my perfect role model would be mixtures of feminine values such as intelligence, nurturing, spiritual mixed in with a soft touch of vulnerability.  After the laughter in the room calmed down, (not many of those Goddesses running around!) We moved back to Mom.

To make a long story short, at 65 years, at three in the morning the other night-I decided to remember all the good things about Mom and love her for what she was in the era she lived. Some of you do know too, I'm am beginning to make my very first efforts at changing my gender markers.  The names I am adopting come from my Grandfather on Mom's side - Jessie and Mom's name as my middle name.  Cyrsti, for lack of a better term will become sort of a stage or writer's name.

One thing is certain, after I do it and Mom quits spinning in her grave-I can hear her say "Don't tell your Dad!"

Courage Under Fire/ Words?

I imagine most of you have worked for a company or were in the military and had a chance to ask a superior a question.  I'm not talking about your immediate boss, but one way up the line. Way back in the day when I was in the Army I was a "Spec 4" so I really didn't register on the radar of anyone of the "full bird" colonel rank or above (general.)  So, I never was able to ask any rhetorical questions such as "Why are we fighting this stupid war in Vietnam-Sir?"

So, I was surprised and pleased when I read this story from the
Advocate :Last Sunday, a young Navy officer serving in Afghanistan made history with an act of bravery that’s made headlines around the world.
It took place during a “commander’s call” in Kandahar, Afghanistan, where the new secretary of Defense, Ash Carter, was speaking to troops on his first visit to the country. When he finished his remarks and called for questions, Lt. Cmdr. Jesse Ehrenfeld of the U.S. Navy Medical Corps raised his hand. He thanked Carter for speaking with them, then asked, “Sir, what are your thoughts on transgender service members serving in an austere environment like this?”

There are yet other positive advances on the transgender military front:  LifeSiteNews.com) – A draft memorandum uncovered by USA Today suggests that the U.S. Army may soon make it more difficult to discharge soldiers who consider themselves transgender, a move reminiscent of policy changes made during the lead-up to the repeal of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT) policy on homosexuality.
Currently, gender dysphoria – more commonly referred to as “transgenderism” – is considered a psychosexual disorder by the U.S. military and is grounds for being dismissed from service.

Check out the links above for more.

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

“Transitioning is such a personal decision.”

While Angel Qinan, Sacramento’s first transgender model, is sounding off on Bruce Jenner’s presumable dilemma, she may as well be talking about her once-upon-a-time private struggles.

Angel Qinan was born Angel Castillo and attended La Salle Greenhills, a private Catholic school for boys in Manila.

 

Angel Qinan waited patiently for the right time. The FilAm photo

“In grade school I wondered why my mother dressed me only in plain shirts, shorts and trousers. I preferred the girls’ clothes–pretty blouses, skirts, and dresses!” she remembered. “Feeling like a girl, I wanted to wear girl clothes and was frustrated that I couldn’t!”

Such feelings were taboo in a strictly Catholic society like the Philippines, so she kept them to herself for years. At age 17 she first expressed her desire to become a woman. Angel’s mother urged her to keep those thoughts to herself because she wanted to shield her son from gossip, ridicule, and sometimes physical assault. Angel patiently postponed her transition.

Read more here from GMA News

"Eye-Eye" Mamn

As Momma Fortune would have it, as I was beginning to write this Cyrsti's Condo post, I jumped over to Femulate  and read what Stana was up to. It turns out she had written a very interesting post about the concept of "passing".  I think it is very much a which came first "The chicken or the egg?" concept. Indeed, how much does attitude factor into navigating the world as a feminine person and does it come after one has achieved a certain level of knowledge of how to present one's self. 

How Stana's post worked into mine happened yesterday, as I mentioned briefly in my last post. Essentially, I was wrapping up a long day. After the therapist visit I made the 100+ mile trip down to Liz's in time to help take her 89 year old Dad to the Doc. We then got him home in time to ship a package at USPS before they closed and only then had a chance to stop and get vittles for dinner.

By this time of my day, I had had no time to touch up the make up I happening to still be wearing by the time we went into a close by regular big grocery store, close to Liz's house.  As we came through the front doors, I just happened to make eye contact with a nearby woman.  Normally anymore, my eye contacts with women are fleeting and without much reaction. This person was different in the fact she was nearly as tall as I am and happened to show up again in the checkout line next to ours.  By this time, I had alerted to Liz to take a look at her and see if we knew her.  She said no but Liz began to watch her as she watched me. 

I was just interested.  I am pretty much way past how peeps view me.  Sure I get looks but most of the time I am with Liz, so I am passing by default.  I am living my life and the world is living theirs'.

Like Stana (and so many of you) I work hard on the image I present to the public-because I want to and I have to. I do think the effects of HRT have helped me to quote "pass" but the added confidence I have from the shear amount of life "lessons" I have learned (and continue to)-probably helps me more.

Finally, I go back to one of my basic "passing" concepts: You can look as beautiful as you can in your mirror -or in a picture but as soon as you enter the world, it's a whole different gender universe- no matter if you identify as a cross dresser or a transgender woman.  One really has to act like she has been there before to "pass" and by the way-didn't the egg have to come first?

Training the Therapist?

Well, what turns out to have been my last VA therapist visit for awhile, went very much without any amazing results.  I don't think therapy in essence is designed to have instantaneous mind blowing results. (No pun intended-yes it was!)

In yesterday's Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned perhaps offhandedly about not thinking my therapist may be qualified to talk to me.  Michellewhois (Thanks!!!) mentioned in a comment, I could request another. It turned out my therapist is leaving the VA for greener pastures and I didn't have to-if I wanted and she offered. I respectively declined. Historically, for the most part, I have been able to balance the many facets of my life without therapy. Please remember though, to each their own as far as therapy goes.

Perhaps the most meaningful part of the visit grew out of when she told me "I seemed 'more grounded.' (Remember, I did my first session with her in guy drag.) I just said, I am more grounded now because I have very simply "synced" my gender with my outside self.  The conversation "morphed" into perhaps I had a bit of an easier time of transitioning into a feminine lifestyle because of my previous experiences working with groups of generics.  Specifically, power structure differences between the genders. 

All of this lead us into coming up with her three major male gender influences-or what men really care about (other than sex). I don't remember her other two, but I added power to her list. After all, it has been a very relevant topic following the release of the "Fifty Shades of Gray" movie.  I just told her, like so many aspects of a guy's life, power is a much simpler concept than a woman's. Just toss in equal parts of physical and financial powers and pretty much you got it.  The sublets of athletic prowess and looks fall into the physical parts and the financial speaks for itself.  Yet another benefit of working through a MtF gender transitioning I told her, was watching men. Interact in their world-one which is no longer mine.

So, that was it.  On another bright side, my primary doctor's lead nurse literally ran into me in the hall and she was able to update all of what has been happening with me within the VA.-a highly desirable deal!!  Before the day was over however, people watching was very much back into my thoughts. Not with men though, but with a generic (I assume).  More coming up!

Therapy?

Today is my second therapist appointment of the winter. Actually, looking back, only having to reschedule twice since January isn't too bad considering our weather.

I have a problem with therapist appointments. Are they supposed to talk?  Get me started jabbering and I dominate without thinking about anything else. Last time I even stopped and asked the therapist if she was supposed to talk? The problem I have with therapy sessions are-what are we having them about?  In my case, actually, being transgender is just a small part of why I'm there. Everything else in my world is what has a tendency to get in my way.  As I think about it though, much does come from reestablishing myself in the world in the gender I always wanted to be.  Yesterday, I even locked up in a conversation with my sister in law concerning the internal changes of HRT on me.  She asked what? After stuttering around I finally said, it's a whole new gender world for me. I can't explain it to you because you grew up with it.  Enough said?

Rightly or wrongly too-as far as I know, the therapist I am assigned to at the VA, may have never seen another transgender person before. But, I do know at my clinic at least, they became very concerned about my mental well being after I expressed concern last December.  Either way, it's all good. I wish I could forward any relevant info from today's session, but you all read enough of my jabbering here in Cyrsti's Condo, so I won't bore you more.  At least the therapist is getting paid!!!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Transgender woman Candis Cayne is our feature today and aging well!!!!

Coming Home?

Ask any natives of my part of Southwestern Ohio about the small village of Yellow Springs and they will say or think "liberal or hippie" central. I'm "more mature" of course and remember back in the day how the military draft and service itself effected me. When I was home on leave-a trip to "the Springs" would allow me to see how the "other half" lived and I died a little bit inside everytime for a couple reasons.  Of course I would have rather been there with the long hair than in the military with the short. Very few knew of course (none) I actually identified with the women with long hair. Ironically, I am fairly sure I got more negative reaction then from being a G.I.(military) than now being transgender.

After the Army, I ended up again away from Springfield/Yellow Springs area for any number of reasons-mostly employment.  I never did forget though (with all respect to the Beatles) the girls with "kaleidoscope eyes" I saw first in YS. 

These days, as I have been blessed with my own head of hair, going back to Yellow Springs and all it's small shops is going home- especially everytime when I see small stickers on many of the merchant's doors saying everyone is welcome in their diverse village.  I feel much better these days because I think the little oasis of hippie/liberal thought is being relevant again in our often gender twisted world!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Our feature cover today is Mtf transgender woman Josephine Jochmann  who appeared in a documentary made for German TV station RTL2 entitled, "Transgender-my way to a competent body) - was born in 1994 but came alive as a girl in 2010 when she first went to school dressed in girls clothes. She started hormone therapy in 2011.