Sometimes I Feel Small

Two historical events in my life I can remember like they were yesterday.  It seems they were burned into my mind.

The first was when JFK was assassinated November 22, 1963. I was just getting started into my 14th year and doing what I became a success at in Junior High, not much of anything. The other was September 11, 2001, the 9/11 attack of course. I remember turning on the news and seeing the damage of the first attack and then watching the second. My first move was calling my wife who was a manager of a book store very close to Wright Patterson AFB in Dayton, Ohio. My second move was to get to work early. I was the manager of a very busy casual dining restaurant/bar also within a 25 mile radius of the base. We didn't deal in much direct active military but dealt with an incredible number of civilians who worked on the base.

Of course the base went on lock down and the rumors were flying concerning what kind of an attack were we under and specifically what would that mean to the area around "Wright Patt."  Starting in the early afternoon my place filled up as people preferred getting around my large bar, consuming adult beverages and watching the four or five televisions. Very quickly staffing became a problem with employees uncertain if they should leave their families to come to work.

All in all unforgettable memories to be sure but quickly I started to realize how really  insignificant my problems were in the grand scope of the world.

On this anniversary of 9/11 though it's fitting to pause and remember those who suffered the ultimate sacrifice of their own life,  as well as those who rushed to the aid of the victims.

May the force be with them!

Do You Have to Pay the Dues?

I do spend moments of wonderment about the changes I have experienced in my personal transgender transition.  Often it's easy to try to out think the process.

Bottom line is I have read of or know no one who has undertaken their gender reallignment without first suffering before and during the process.

All too often I see the joy in pictures of a transgender person who is completing the process and then is tragically murdered. To be sure I don't write about them much here in Cyrsti's Condo because of the tragic anger the news evokes.

Every so often though, a post appears which captures the elation of being a transgender woman or transgender man and how we are indeed special. Here is one called "What are the top 3 things you like about being trans?" from The Transadvocate.

Here are a couple of my favorites:

"Being able to see the truth of things so many cannot see Being free to express myself as me and in doing so help liberate others Having the opportunity to fight one of the noblest and most righteous battles in the fight for equality for all."

And:

"3) Being part of an exciting and vital group of people who are exploring new conceptions of gender and sexuality; as well as coming to fresh understandings of how we fit into the older models. 2) Living an authentic life. As an artist, Truth is important to me. It is the center of everything I do. 1) My new body! I LOVE my body!!!"

Enjoy them all here.

Cyrsti's Condo "Horror Scope"

After the past several weeks of exciting and dare I say "passionate" Horror Scopes for we Librans, I couldn't wait to get to theFrisky for this week's scope:

" (September 23-October 22): No matter how much compassion you think you can muster up, it won’t stop you from blurting out the truth. Real peace of mind will require making some bolder moves and standing your ground. When it comes to power, you won’t rest well until you have it all. So, be glad that you do have the universe on your side now."

Well, people around me will tell you, I do a lot of "blurting out" and it's true I am taking bolder steps to take more charge of my transgender life. Recently I have had to "call out" a sandwich chain fast food manager for trying to overcharge me as well as do "battle" for a big screen in one of my sports bars for a game I wanted to watch.

I have decided to not sit meekly by and have others attempt to control my existence as a trans woman.  Just to be safe though, I'm happy to have the universe by my side!

Follow the link above for your "scope".

Kickin' It This Fall

I do have a fondness for fall.  The weather, the football and the fashion! Another fashion site I subscribe to (free) is The Budget Babe.  "The Babe" recently passed along a selection of "tough girl" boot picks for fall. If you are thinking sizes like I am and can't find your size one place,  many times you can discover a good selection in your size in other stores such as Payless Shoes.

In my case, I have a very difficult time with sizes on line and almost always need to purchase footwear in person. Boot's in particular are difficult. An example is when I'm looking for say a pair of slouch boots, I just can't assume my regular 11W size will work. Most styles won't slide over the top of my foot and up my calves.  If I move up into a 12, then the boot is too big on my foot and my calves. Finally I also have to factor in comfort and safety in a boot. Too much heel on a snowy or even icy sidewalk can mean an embarrassing look up at a cloudy sky from the ground for me.

Over the years I have also been successful in finding a quality, good fitting pair of boots on sale at Lane Bryant's or The Avenue. Quality is important in a boot which can last you several seasons if you add a timeless classic to your wardrobe. (Always a great idea!)

Many of you have your own shoe shopping solutions to one of the best, fun parts of being a girl but if you don't, maybe these ideas may help! The stereotype of a woman and her shoes definitely carries over to us!

***For those of you Cyrsti's Condo readers like me and are rather forgetful - I have added "Cyrsti's Beauty Nook" here in the Condo. In the nook I have added most of the fashion/beauty sites I mention and their links. If you have other faves I would love to see them and add them to "the Nook"!

The Reality of Perception

"I have breasts, hips, and will soon not have a penis. When I have a vagina will I still be a transgender woman? Am I a transgender woman now? Am I transgender only when someone doesn’t recognize me as a woman, and misgenders or harasses me? Do I only think of myself as transgender when I remember I’ve been male-identified most of my life? Trans and cis gender categories are tedious, hierarchical caste categories I would happily forget about completely, and which I’m finding less and less relevant to my self-conception."

This is a quote from Leela Ginelle on the PQ site called ID Check: It's Not Me, It's You.

It's safe to say "reality is only in the mind of the beholder". It's also easy to say body parts should not dictate your identity. In essence, Leela makes that point well.  SRS or not,  the public's perception of you equals reality- no matter how you label yourself..

In my case, Saturday was an excellent example of perception equalling reality with me. As I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have not considered SRS, have been on HRT and feel comfortable identifying as a transgender woman. Around the home front, I basically just go to places where people have known me for awhile. Saturday though,  I ventured out of my comfort zone. My girlfriend and I watched football in a neighborhood tavern close to Cincinnati. Perception of my gender by the tavern clientele only became a potential issue when it was potty time. Both trips during the game...no issues but I never take my restroom pass for granted.  I can only wonder what a problem the potty would be if after SRS you were still hasseled?

Selfishly I only had two goals. (or three) Enjoying time with my gf, judging public reaction to my new hair style and watching the Buckeyes win. I went three for three.

Not long ago, ironically, a friend of mine and I took basically this same perception/reality discussion to a whole different level. He has an unwavering view that no male can truly ever transition totally to a woman and it's a myth gender is primarily between the ears.  He cross dressed years ago and purged never to go back so in all fairness to him, he is stuck in that mindset of judging a world which has changed from his past.

Of course you know I don't believe in any of his ideas and in a future post I'm going to pass along more of the discussion.  I know where he wants to go but gets lost doing it.

In the meantime, following up on Leela's comments, if she has a vagina or not, the only reality she has to consider is how she perceives herself. The world will follow...or not.

Cyrsti's Condo Quote of the Day

"Before you climb into the lion's den, try to figure out where she is".

cyrsti hart

Matt's Cute Pink Robe

Many of us know how wonderfully nice and feminine it is to have a soft snugly robe to cuddle in on a cool evening. It turns out movie stars Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leo felt the same way in their "Dallas Buyer's Club" movie. The "Pink Robe" story turned out to be rather complex as both men wore the robe in the movie and it actually belongs to McConauhey's wife.( He later admitted to wearing it at home.)

By the way, the movie hasn't really opened yet but Leto is getting great reviews for his portrayal of the flamboyant "Rayon" character. According to McConaughey:

Jared Leto (left) and McConauhey

“Leto came in after three or four years of not working. An actor could go I really need to make this count. He didn’t. It’s a very subtle and human performance. Rayon is in good hands. He cut out all the extra lagniappe, the etcetera. He kept Rayon real.”

I wonder if McConauhey's wife got her robe back?

Mostly Likely to Be....

I will let you decide what Big Ang (left)  from the reality series Mob Wives looks and sounds like.  I don't want a hit taken out on me.

Here's more to go with your pasta.

A "Penny" for Your Thoughts

Disclaimer time kids...I never have considered myself an expert or a "theologian" of any sort.

My ideas are mine alone from experiences I have been through in an area of the country where I live and areas where I have worked down along the Ohio River - from Portsmouth, Ohio through Ashland, Kentucky and over into West Virginia.

I'm picking up this thought from the "Autumn Sandeen" post where she said she grew up in a Penecostal Church family.

My knowledge of the "Pennie's" comes from knowing a few and the fact there is a fairly sizable "Penny" church down the street from me. I worked with a disc jockey once who was disowned by his Penecostal family.

 In a similar vein, I have traveled to the coal mining "hollers" of central and eastern Kentucky for funerals of friends held in "primitive" Baptist churches. One of them even recently added an addition with indoor plumbing! In one I thought I was going to have my first experience with a preacher "speaking in tongues". As he was close to going into a trance of sort over the coffin, I considered the idea he would somehow "discover" I was transgender and call in the devil.

Afterwards, I jokingly asked where the snakes were kept. I was seriously told that church was not their flavor of religion but there was one a couple "hollers" over. We could go if I wanted...hell no!

Let me add many of these people I met were in fact good solid folk but just had no wiggle room in their social beliefs. In fact I don't toss these folks into my "immoral right" category of those who may "preach" an agenda for the sake of monetary gain. Most have led a difficult life and their religion gets them through.

Sadly though, I more or less lost a  long term friend of mine who refused to even consider me being transgender and she is from the "hollers" and is back there now.  She couldn't accept me but would be on attack mode if anyone else would slander me. It's sort of like, here have a another piece of fried chicken and more mashed "taters"...now, what's this sh-t about you dressing as a girl?

You know though, I would rather face peeps like that than the ones who smile and then shove the knife into your back. Let's see, I will take another piece of chicken!