Huh?

"This creation of an illness is not a trans centric concept.  It
postulates, fundamentally, a variance that is undesired in the greater
population, and, in this case, this variance is considered harmful in
and of itself. In my seeking to work and promote a trans centric
understanding of things, this fell under my sights that long ago time
and I did my usual thing of sitting on a rock like stool and assuming
a famous pose of an elbow on a leg, head resting on a fist, and
peering forward into the vagaries of that which lies behind my eyes.

In other words, I sat and thought about it.  Thunk on it, in the vernacular."

Afterwords, I sat and thought about it and thunk on it and said Huh?
Just to prove I didn't make this up...go here.
All this time I was kicking myself for not making it through the sixth grade without new crayons.

Have You Seen Her?

I'm fortunate to have restablished a tie with a person I met years ago in my formative cross dressing years.
As I look back on the experiences with him and the others in the small group of individuals we used to "hang out" with "back in the day", it is truly amazing the diversity in the small numbers.
I would say this little social group numbered at the most 8 or ten people. Included were two who went on to complete the change, so we numbered a couple true transsexuals.  Another two or three would probably be called transgender today. Of course there were a couple cross dressers, a couple spouses and even an admirer thrown in.
Looking back the 30 plus years or so and I compare the learning experience with going to a diverse public school instead of a private school with all the same kids.
At any rate, as I have started to share some of my recent experiences with him, his most basic comment is Wow, what happened to the person I (him) used to know?
Of course I don't hold the comment against him, but that person so many years ago is gone. Our paths went separate directions and he stayed firmly in the closet (his choice-it's all good) and of course you see where I have ended up. (No cheap shots!)
He now is wondering (and asked) when I am embarking down the final path to SRS.
Well, I'm not I told him. I explained I am very comfortable where I am in life right now and more importantly the people I love and love me are comfortable with me too.
I guess that very thought pattern was foreign to him and maybe more sustainable in  today's society than in the past?
With all the information available these days, it's almost as if we are going through a knowledge bonanza that us (older) trans folks haven't seen since the internet started to boom.
All of the sudden I'm finding others like me and life choices I didn't know existed. Sort of like when I was so alone as a youth thinking I was the only one in the world who thought about gender like I did.
It has been a special experience contacting with him though! The whole process has given me yet another chance to step back in time and evaluate where I have come from. In the end, it's the best way to predict the future!

Interesting Problems

As our springtime weather has finally settled in here in my little part of the world, the need for severe lawn care is upon me.
I don't have a lot of property and over the years I have let several of the old garden areas go wild.
This year however, I want to be organic hippie girl and plant herbs for a friend of mine to use in her products and grow some tomatoes, peppers and oregano to use in cooking later this summer.
So here I am with a couple of dilemmas. First it's warm and second I don't want to risk a farmers tan on my neck and arms if I'm out with a t-shirt on. (A farmers' tan comes up your arms to where the shirt starts-not exactly complimentary with a sleeveless top.) The hormones are working and my breasts are beginning to take on a very feminine shape so taking my shirt off is still barely in the realm of possibility. I'm very fair skinned and have never been able to tan so lotion is a necessity too.
I do have a high wooden fenced in yard so privacy is very good.
So, solution? Go topless?  Put on one of my sleeveless tops to do the work. I have never owned one of the male sleeveless t shirts so I didn't want to put out the money now for one of those.
What I did do was find the biggest old T-shirt I had and "customized" it with a pair of scissors.
Being the fashion designer I am not, I cut the sleeves off and cut around the neck line to expose more shoulder and only stayed in the sun for about 5 minutes at a time.
I realize as the hormones keep working their magic none of this will be feasible. For now though, today was like most everything else in my life-in transition!

From Pretty Boy to Beautiful Girl

Here's a video I thought you all may enjoy. One of the benefits the boy in the video starts with is a "female ready" body!

This is Too Damn Simple?

"There's no difference Honey (Cyrsti) between cross dresser, transgender, or transsexual for that matter. They are just the same people on different planes of development. Just like not everybody graduates from first grade, not everybody graduates into accepting themselves fully as what they are. The fetish thing isn't a fetish, at all. It's just the first step for most of us - the first thing we accept about ourselves. With time many move past that as they start accepting the other things. And some don't. It's really that simple. Only the people that don't want to admit that we're all apples from the same try try to make it more complicated."
A comment by Jamiegottagun on When is There a "T" in Crossdresser?

Come on Jamie, lets be real careful about making all this simple!!!!  Nice Job.

Trans Discovery

During my endless surfing in the transgender galaxy I come across people and places which stand out.
I compare the feeling with having access to the "Hubble" Telescope and discovering a new planet or star.
For every transsexual, transgender or crossdressing story I discover there are probably hundreds of others still waiting to be discovered.
Here is my latest which is actually a rediscovery of Annika.

Before and After!

From what she wrote, she doesn't update the blog much but it's a site with really nice videos and pix of her life.
Check it out here.

A Long Trans Woman's Shopping List

This post is from a couple of known resources, "Autumn Sandeen" and "Pam's House Blend".
 It's a very long list called a "A Shopping List of Trans Woman's Shame"
As I read it I saw one, then two then many items I wanted to pass along.
I soon realized I shouldn't highlight my own agenda's (again) and let you decide.
Read it here.

Are We There Yet?

I have never had the luxury of feeling comfortable in either gender.
Can't totally claim womanhood anatomically but feel comfortable in all the female community. Communication, friendship and all.
Never could claim manhood. Existed in it, was sometimes successful with it but never felt secure in it.
Never did I wake up thinking I was only a boy but never thinking I was only a girl...never.
As with many of my posts here, I'm only writing this from an informational view point. Maybe you have been or are in the same place. Ironically, a place that leads to scorn from within our own community.
What began my introspection into who I am and where I am going as a transgender human came from a thesis project I am contributing to.
Here are a couple excerpts from my response to a gender stereotype question:

"I believe humans are desperate for something basic to cling to and gender is the most basic one. That's all good when there are only two recognized genders. What about a third? I have no recollection of having the luxury of thinking I was one gender.

Many of the ancient Native American tribes believed in dual gender spirits in humans and somewhere along the line (major religions) many of the beliefs were lost.

I don't really identify with the gay community (not a drag queen) or either primary gender.  I do my absolute best to use my look to shout female but know that until I can birth a child (never) or have monthly periods but I can only really say I am a feminized male who (I think) feels female. Who really knows? If you were born either gender and never questioned it-you know. The rest of us? The best case is we can pick and chose the best of both worlds. The worst case is more prevalent. Confusion, depression and lack of understanding.

Two things are sure...I can only know what makes me feel natural  and that is coming as close as I can to doing stereotypical girl things.  One of my biggest learning experience was adjusting to the dynamics of feminine communication and power structures...all so much more complex than male ones.

All of this is just a huge feast for thought and no, we are not there yet.

When is There a "T" in Crossdresser?

Recently, I have had the chance to explain to others my own transition from crossdresser to transgender person.
I understand each of our cases is different but I wanted to write about mine in the hopes I can understand the process more. Hopefully parts of it will ring true to you!
I've always believe the true transsexual kids have it better if there is such a thing in our culture. They start with a clear knowledge of their true gender.The rest of struggle with a huge why?
For the rest of us our transgendered existence starts off with a fetish attraction to clothes of the opposite gender.
I'm not an expert, but I'm thinking this is more prevalent in males more than females.  Hose, bras, girdles and "borrowed" feminine clothes are irrestible attractions.
Now, if the clothes stay more of a fetish to a person and become the end result for "dressing up" chances are you are the classic cross dresser. Let me point out, I am not making any value judgements-so don't attack me.
Where the "T" starts to become part of the cross dresser may start in the mirror.
Certainly any of us live in our mirrors.  The reflection serves as a validation of our chosen gender. How the validation works is the important part.
Do you see yourself looking the part of your chosen gender or do you see yourself as who you really are?
Here are the steps I took in my journey.
Yes, in the earliest days, the bras, hose and other female clothes were sexually stimulating to me-but not for long. Something was missing.
The missing "T" in my being took a long time to understand. Gender validation became less and less in how I looked and more and more on how I felt.
I'm not a huge fan of long drawn posts on subjects, so I will write more on this later including why many of us are obsessed with less than flattering photography of ourselves.